Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

Do can't just promise the earth and then, when plans are finalised, leave you to be the bearer of bad news - esp when it just leaves you looking like you're favouring your daughter over his children.
He needs to be part of the discussion about what's sensible for everyone concerned.

However, growing up, it was always the youngest that had the smaller room so I'm not sure how you go about choosing which of the boys gets the smaller room over your daughter. A conversation might reveal that one of them isn't all that bothered so I'd start with that - but as a discussion with you AND your DP, not just you.

I think the fairest would be to explain to the children someone has to have a smaller room and draw it out of a hat, then reassess in a couple of years if necessary.

I agree they shouldn't have been promised a bigger room.

One bathroom - whatever size - doesn't seem enough for 5 people.
And do you really need a bath?

Instead of moving a wall, could you fit another bath/shower room elsewhere? En-suite perhaps? Glory-hole?

Jeez your DP has created all this stress. Give your daughter one of the doubles. Boys- one has a double, one a single. Kit both rooms out with something they would really like, games console seems like a popular choice. Tell boys they will rotate rooms to make it fair.
Explain your daughters room will be decorated more girly and not befitting the trendy teen boys. Let them choose bedding, lamps etc.
Yes they may kick up a fuss, but these things pass and ultimately they will both have peace and quiet in their own rooms.

Your DH sounds like an idiot.

Your DD gets a big room non-negotiable. Your DH should decide what happens re the remaining rooms as it was his error. He doesn’t get to pin this on you, you take a step back and don’t get involved, other than to ensure your DD gets an appropriate room.

This would have made me reevaluate whether I want to be with him TBH! He clearly doesn’t respect you or your thoughts.

why not post a room plan to get some ideas regarding remodelling.
We did a full remodel/renovation and had to think out of the box regarding bathrooms due to loft conversion and height restrictions.
Mumsnet is a great source of ideas.

Is there any way to look again at your plans, maybe even moving another wall? Alternatively, can the single bedroom steal space from another room by opening a door/doors into storage or wardrobes built into the bigger room?

I get the arguments on both sides - the daughter being at home nearly full time, but also the need for teenagers at GCSE age to have private space to study.

As a lot of posters have said, it is a time limited problem as the eldest child is 15 and should be expected to move out of the family room in a few years time.

Your daughter’s need for space for all her toys is probably even more time-limited. How long will she be playing with her toys and lego for?

I’m not saying that she should definitely have the smallest room, but I don’t think her need for playspace is going to be for very long.

Have you got any space downstairs to be a teenager space? Can you create a small shared space downstairs for this?

You might then be able to negotiate bedrooms with two older children..

You've chosen the wrong house and are now prioritising a bath over your DCs. You should have had this conversation before you exchanged contracts. Now your DH is expecting your DD to take the hit.

If your DSCs were a boy and a girl I would have some sympathy with a view that the youngest child gets the smallest room, but in this case it is not the end of the world for two boys to continue sharing. Or say that they can have separate rooms if one takes the smaller room, or if they take turns.

I like that idea.

Then you will have two shower rooms. If necessary you can enlarge the existing one little, but not enough to impact the bedroom.

@ProbablyAmy we've redesigned lots of houses over the years- this calls for a diagram! Have you a plan you could share? I'm sure we could come up with a solution....

Not fair on your DD when she’s there’s the shortest. Either you cope with small bathroom or someone compromises

The boys can decide who gets the double and who gets the single but they need to remember that the one who gets the double will need to move out for guests (truckle under bed that makes a double when needed) so they’ll probably both be fighting over who gets the exclusive single.

I wonder if the OP would be quibbling about this if the teen boys were hers and the 9 year old was her SD? I doubt it

Of course the teenage boys should get the bigger rooms. Mine needed double beds at that age as adult sized. They’re teens who will have homework, want some privacy, and will probably spend most of their time in it which is pretty normal for teens. A 9 year old does not NEED a double room. I’d have been a bit concerned if any of my DC at 9 wanted to stay in their room all the time tbh. At that age mine were mostly downstairs in the lounge or doing stuff at the kitchen table.

It’s the boys home as well and your DH has a responsibility to provide one for them as much as you have a responsibility to provide a home for your DD.

The fact they only live there 50:50 is irrelevant.
Your DH is not contributing to their home with their mother I take it if they have 50:50 custody?

If you want to get pedantic about equality for financing the house, his DS’s will have the benefit of larger rooms for much less time than your DD will assuming they go off to Uni, leave home or even decide they don’t want to live with their Dad anymore in the next 4-6 years. Then your DD can have two rooms to herself. Your DH will also be financing the home your DD lives in for longer than his DC living there.

If your DD was a teen as well, then I’d rotate it but that’s a few years off to be thinking about that now.

The suggestion that the boys share a room so the much younger child gets a double room of her own is terrible and there’s no way I’d agree to that in your DH’s shoes.

I would say tell the two boys they have to share and put your DH in the single room.

😂

But the older boys do live there. It's their father's house. They have two homes.

If the room is not big enough to fit your DD then it is not big enough for any of the children - the decision making in puttig you all in this position is the issue here.

I note EOW but no overnights, no holidays, half term etc.

This!! 100%. His problem to sort with his kids, he created it!

Looking for a solution to the impossible. Shudda bought a house with a bigger bathroom. Surely you knew the size of the bathroom would be an issue when you bought?

But on that basis they don't LIVE in the other house they spend 50% of their lives in either. So they're homeless? Or just less important everywhere?

OP says:

That’s one of my biggest gripes, he promised them the bedrooms off the floor plan before we’d even moved in! I repeatedly told him to stop promising rooms until we actually knew what the plan was, but he ignored me and steamrolled ahead.

So presumably they bought the house knowing that something may need doing with the bathroom - and that's why OP didn't want her DH to make any promises about room allocation. He appears to have ignored that, and has now created a problem.

The boys need to share or accept that one of them will have a single room if they really can’t manage to share

It's also in the OP:

I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

He chose to disregard that and made promises that couldn't be fulfilled to his own kids. So now he needs to unmake them himself, and not make this OP's problem.