Husband and MIL

[Eventingmum]

Over Christmas none of us were well and so we had to cancel Christmas. This meant we never managed to exchange gifts with my Mum, who was supposed to come to us for Christmas day.

Flash forward to yesterday and my Mum comes to visit and we are able to swap presents. My Mum arrived at 2pm and left at 3.30pm as she does not like driving in the dark.

I told my husband on Saturday that my Mum was popping in for a visit at 2ish. He just nodded his head.

It was lovely to see my Mum after so long and we had a good chat, swapped gifts and had a cup of tea. My daughter (14) sat with us the whole time and it was nice.
My husband was upstairs tiling the EnSite bathroom for the day. He started at about 10am and finished off at about 4pm (Has not completed it yet). He was up and downstairs quite a bit, cutting tiles, and as I was making my Mum a drink I told him she was here.

My Mum left his present on the side and we opened ours. My husband never appeared and my Mum then left before it got dark.

I am really cross with my husband for not popping in to say Hi. I know he was busy, but all he had to do was pop in, say hello, explain what he was up to and then disappear. My Mum and he do not really get a long, however this is the sort of thing that makes it worse. I feel that he lets himself down.

I would never dream of ignoring his parents if they came to visit. Even if I was busy I would pop in and say Hi.

He is now sulking with me as I told him I was annoyed at his rude behaviour. He hasn't even opened his present. He has just left it.

I thought that sleeping on it would make me less cross but it hasn't.
AIBU?

OP I’ve given you a gentle YABU. Your DH probably thought he was doing something nice for you, and that he would let you catch up with your DM.
If I was your DM, I wouldn’t mind at all if my DS-in-law chose to continue his DIY and let me spend the afternoon with my DD and DGD…

That’s a massive DIY job - yes it would’ve been nice to say hello but surely she could have gone to see him briefly?

Nope I’d be with you @Eventingmum - if he’s up and down getting brews etc the he could spare 5 mins or a quick hello to build cordial relations with his MIL and say hello. I wouldn’t ignore someone visiting my home

YANBU. I wouldn't expect him to stop and sit with you and your mum but I would expect him to take thirty seconds just to say hello and thank her for bringing the presents over.

"Hi MIL! Nice to see you. Sorry I can't join you for a chat, but as you can see I'm up to my eyeballs in tiles and grout at the moment. Thanks for bringing the presents over - I'll look forward to opening mine this evening when I'm done with the DIY."

That's all it would have needed to show basic manners.

Not saying hi is ridiculous.

Its incredibly rude

I think that is disgusting behaviour, especially when your daughter was there . Very disrespectful. Hope your daughter doesn’t follow his lead . He’s not setting a good example.

I think he was incredibly rude it would have taken him 3 mins ri say hello and open his present. I would be angry too

Things can’t be that bad between them if they were due to spend the whole of Christmas Day together. Saying hello and happy new year is hardly much to ask.

YANBU I wouldn't have expected him to stop what he was doing or even sit down with you but come off it of course he should have popped his head in to say hi

They don’t get on and his tiling the en-suite from morning till afternoon.

Id have no issue at all and would have told mum his off finally get that big job done. My mum would have then laughed with an about time and we wouldn’t have given him another thought.

YANBU as I agree each others families come first above DIY and u gave dh prior notice she was coming.
BUT I would have gone up and hauled him down, DURING her visit, not waited till afterwards when he can't do anything about it, so you're also BU iykwim.

Depressing when dhs and mils don't get on. Mine are the same but DH is really good at falking it for the kids sake amd the fact I really really try with his parents who also are not the easiest.

He should’ve said Hi, I’d have probably popped up to the bathroom & said to him, come and say a quick Hi to my Mum.
It was thoughtless of him I agree but I’d probably have given him a nudge whilst she was there.

Don’t see how anyone could argue with this?!

@Eventingmum - you wrote “My Mum and he do not really get a long,“
I’ve read a lot of posts on MN where the wife doesn’t get along with her MiL and the response tends to be “Don’t worry, you don’t have to get along with her, she’s you DH’s mum so he can go visit/see her/whatever”.
Do you mind me asking why you might think that just because the spouse/in-law is reversed in your situation, your husband is the one who should be making the effort to be polite and no effort from your mum? Could she not go up to see him as he was working?

I’m always extremely friendly and polite to all my wife’s guests. Usually put the kettle on, make everyone a cuppa and have a chat. I’ll even be the main source of entertainment for any children who wander in.

I can 100% guarantee she would swap all that for a husband who could tile a bathroom😂

It was fine for him to do the bathroom, but he should have spared five minutes to say hello and exchange pleasantries.

@Eventingmum does he normally act like this around her or was this a one off? I’m sad to say but my DH is very rude to my Mum - he will ignore her, disappear upstairs to watch tv without saying a word or just be plain rude. My mum has never done anything to upset him or warrant this - he’s just plain rude. We’ve had many arguments about this but he doesn’t seem to see anything wrong on his actions - it makes me sad when I see families out together and my DH can’t even bring himself to say more than hello to her. I also hope for your sake the sulking is a one off also - I’ve been on the end of that many times too.

YANBU, but in my case I'd have asked my dh to come down and say hi. No point waiting until afterwards and then getting angry.

That’s very rude of him. It would have taken 20 seconds out of his Terribly Busy Day to pop his head round the door and say hello, sorry I can’t join you. He may not like her but it would have been easy to be civil in this small way.

Not opening the present she gave him even the next day seems like he’s making a deliberate point.

That. Of course he should have done it off his own bat, but I'd definitely have gone up and told him that DM had brought him a present so could he come and say hi.

However busy I was with a job, I'd never ignore a guest, even if it was someone I barely knew. His behaviour was grim. But for your mum's sake you should have asked him to come down for a couple of minutes.

Incredibly rude!

She could have popped up to say hello. You could have encouraged her to do that?
Why don’t they get on?

But she was the guest who had brought a present. It was her 'Christmas Day' visit for goodness sake It's not the guest's responsibility (even, and maybe especially, if it's a MIL) to go and interrupt someone who's clearly staying out of the way, in order to get their attention.

What kind of a host completely ignores a family visitor to their home? A two minute hi and present unwrap at a convenient point is hardly a chore. If she'd gone up and interrupted him, it would be bound to be at an inconvenient point and he'd be irritated.