Husband and MIL

[Eventingmum]

Over Christmas none of us were well and so we had to cancel Christmas. This meant we never managed to exchange gifts with my Mum, who was supposed to come to us for Christmas day.

Flash forward to yesterday and my Mum comes to visit and we are able to swap presents. My Mum arrived at 2pm and left at 3.30pm as she does not like driving in the dark.

I told my husband on Saturday that my Mum was popping in for a visit at 2ish. He just nodded his head.

It was lovely to see my Mum after so long and we had a good chat, swapped gifts and had a cup of tea. My daughter (14) sat with us the whole time and it was nice.
My husband was upstairs tiling the EnSite bathroom for the day. He started at about 10am and finished off at about 4pm (Has not completed it yet). He was up and downstairs quite a bit, cutting tiles, and as I was making my Mum a drink I told him she was here.

My Mum left his present on the side and we opened ours. My husband never appeared and my Mum then left before it got dark.

I am really cross with my husband for not popping in to say Hi. I know he was busy, but all he had to do was pop in, say hello, explain what he was up to and then disappear. My Mum and he do not really get a long, however this is the sort of thing that makes it worse. I feel that he lets himself down.

I would never dream of ignoring his parents if they came to visit. Even if I was busy I would pop in and say Hi.

He is now sulking with me as I told him I was annoyed at his rude behaviour. He hasn't even opened his present. He has just left it.

I thought that sleeping on it would make me less cross but it hasn't.
AIBU?

It depends on what’s gone before. If she’s said something disgraceful to him, it would be understandable that he keeps,out of her way.
Otherwise, at the very least as an example to his daughter, he should have greeted her and sat in for 5 minutes.

That was rude and I would absolutely have it out with your DH. It’s a horrible thing to make someone unwelcome in your home and by not saying hello and chatting that’s what he has done.

My DH and DM don’t get on and there is a rule that he has to pop in and say hi - even if he is working.. in saying that she still gets pissed off because nothing less than the red carpet is enough 😀

YANBU
He was rude and I would be cross too.

I think your DH was busy, this was something you organised without consulting him, and it was fine for him not to talk to your mum.

If you think it was poor for him not to come in and say hello, why did you not ask him to come down at a convenenient time before/during the visit? Why did you not say to your mum that you would got up and say hello to DH and see how he was getting along with the bathroom? Frankly, why did your mum - in her daughter's house which presumably she knows well, not want to say hello to your DH? It sounds like they were both equally happy not to interact and the only person with an issue over the behaviour is you.

At the end of the day, whether he likes your DM or not, he showed himself for being rude. It would have taken what? A minute max to stick his head around the door. I would not be happy either unless there is a backstory. Why don't they get on?

If this was about a MiL coming to see her son and it was the wife staying out of the way because she doesn't get along, would you honestly be saying the above?

One other thing - it was the OP that was the host, not the OP's husband. The OP wasn't ignoring the visitor in their home. The OP's husband was doing DIY while the visit was going on.

The OP's husband doesn't have to get along with the OP's parents. He just doesn't.

I also think that bringing the gift, if the OP's mother and husband don't get along, is a bit of a red herring to the situation and the OP's husband doesn't have to open it or even accept the gift if he doesn't want it. There have been so many threads where the players involved would be the wife and the MiL not getting along and the MiL trying to force a relationship by buying gifts.

@Eventingmum - If your mum and your husband don't get along, just accept that and move on. You're not going to make things better by trying to force a relationship between them. Sufficient to know that they, individually, both love you but they don't have to like each other.

@saraclara - you wrote "He, on the other hand, has a guest in his home who has brought him a gift. And he can choose a convenient time during his task, to take two minutes to at least greet her and open his gift."
He is under no obligation to do any of the above. HE didn't have the guest, his wife did! Why should he break his momentum and have to take time out to greet her and open a gift?

This is starting to resemble the thread from a while ago (at least in my head anyway) where a grandchild didn't want to give their grandparent a kiss and one parent was trying to force the child to hug/kiss the grandparent and the other parent was saying that the child had autonomy over their body and no one should invade that space and the child shouldn't have to hug/kiss their grandparent. In my head I can see a lot of parallels.

We don’t know the details of why the h and MIL don’t get along. For all we know, the h has good reason not to like the MIL and not want the gift as gifts from people we don’t like are often loaded with uncomfortable motives like obligation and other strings. Is your mum the type to baulk at a messy appearance and stained clothes by any chance?

Saying that, it could be possible that the h is to blame and being rude. The DIY provided a good excuse for him to avoid his MIL and he used it to his full advantage. If you wanted him to spend a minute to say hi, why didn’t you nip out and ask him ? It might have annoyed you that you had to prompt him but your mother would have got her greeting which is what you’d preferred.

Is it possible that your h and mum were both relieved to not see the other? Maybe your mother was happy to pretend that your h wasn’t at home and spend time with you and your dd?

He was rude.

Why don't they get along @Eventingmum ?

I think that might sway people's choices if they knew which side is the primary culprit of the 'not getting along'.

Your DH was incredibly rude.
Your poor mum 😐

That’s rude. It’s one thing if he was locked in the bathroom to contain the dust or something but given he was up and down it he stairs anyway he really should have popped his head round the door to say hello. He didn’t need to stay but a quick, ‘Hiya Teresa, Happy New Year, good to see you. Make sure you have plenty of biscuits - we’ve tonnes left over from Christmas. Right, back to the tiling’ would have been the least he could do. You’re angry because he has disrespected your mum, and rightly so. Tell him, along with expectations for the next time.

Yes this. Mum could just have easily popped her head in to to say Hi to DH, "Hi, Happy New Year, you're doing a grand job, I won't hold you back".

Don’t you sound nice…

If this was about a MiL coming to see her son and it was the wife staying out of the way because she doesn't get along, would you honestly be saying the above?

Yes, I would @LookItsMeAgain . Taking a single minute to say hello to a MIL who has brought you a gift is the very least one can do, even if you dislike them.

The original plan had been for them to spend Christmas Day together, so they clearly aren't at the point of being anywhere near NC.

He should have just popped his head round the door to say hi - but you say they don’t get along anyway, what’s the backstory?

God my mam would have been straight upstairs to see what he was up to! But then again, DH would have made an effort to at say hello, ask how she was etc. We see her all the time though, if we hadn't seen her in a while he would make much more effort. Especially if she was bringing round gifts!

I think he was rude, but she seems strangely standoffish. Has he made her feel unwelcome in the past?

Men don't always think like that, he may have just wanted to get on with the job. MIL wasn't there long, he might have been thinking I'll finish this bit first. I would assume his mind was fully on the job in hand and trying to get to a target (got to finish this wall for a good starting point next time). He may even have been a bit annoyed that you were sat chatting while he was running about cutting tiles, mixing cement and trying to get a job done. Maybe you should have suggested he didn't start the tiling that day as your Mum was coming for a Christmas meet up.

I do a lot of DIY and if I'm in the middle of wallpapering or anything I hate having to stop, my DH would be saying come and get some lunch, but I would want to push on to finish that wall or this tricky bit here. I don't need visitors at that point either, however much I might want to see them another time.

YANBU. Two minutes to pop his head in and say Hi is nothing.

What point do you think he was trying to make?

Honestly is this worth being so cross about? move on, he was busy.

I wouldn't overthink this one OP. Your mum was only there for an hour and a half, and tiling is a job that takes some concentration. So it's perfectly possible that he planned to pop in and say hello, but was engrossed in what he was doing and she left before he had chance.

Unless you went in to him and said "mum will be leaving in 10 mins" or similar, then it seems a bit like he is being set-up to fail imo.

If he is normally civil to your mum, then this in isolation isn't worth an argument. If it's part of a wider pattern of disrespect then I get your point.

So your mum didn't bother to say hello to the host when he was busy working?
Rude.

But that’s the wrong etiquette - the key is there - “host” - dh is the host. It’s up to him to come and say hello and make the guest feel welcome. It’s not up to the guest to wander around the house and seek him out and say hello.

I don’t think anyone can give an opinion without knowing the context of why they don’t get on…
perhaps talk to him?

YANBU OP

I'm the least social person in the world and hate being made to interact with folks i don't particularly like ...

BUT even i would have stuck my head around the door of my own house and just said hello!!

He's got the hide of a rhino to ignore a guest in his house ALL DAY!