Husband and MIL

[Eventingmum]

Over Christmas none of us were well and so we had to cancel Christmas. This meant we never managed to exchange gifts with my Mum, who was supposed to come to us for Christmas day.

Flash forward to yesterday and my Mum comes to visit and we are able to swap presents. My Mum arrived at 2pm and left at 3.30pm as she does not like driving in the dark.

I told my husband on Saturday that my Mum was popping in for a visit at 2ish. He just nodded his head.

It was lovely to see my Mum after so long and we had a good chat, swapped gifts and had a cup of tea. My daughter (14) sat with us the whole time and it was nice.
My husband was upstairs tiling the EnSite bathroom for the day. He started at about 10am and finished off at about 4pm (Has not completed it yet). He was up and downstairs quite a bit, cutting tiles, and as I was making my Mum a drink I told him she was here.

My Mum left his present on the side and we opened ours. My husband never appeared and my Mum then left before it got dark.

I am really cross with my husband for not popping in to say Hi. I know he was busy, but all he had to do was pop in, say hello, explain what he was up to and then disappear. My Mum and he do not really get a long, however this is the sort of thing that makes it worse. I feel that he lets himself down.

I would never dream of ignoring his parents if they came to visit. Even if I was busy I would pop in and say Hi.

He is now sulking with me as I told him I was annoyed at his rude behaviour. He hasn't even opened his present. He has just left it.

I thought that sleeping on it would make me less cross but it hasn't.
AIBU?

Ditto!!

That's an incredibly naive viewpoint. I have an ex boyfriend whose mother clearly didn't like me. Did she ever vocalise it? No. Was it bloody obvious? Yes. If you have any slight skills at reading people, it's clear. And if your skills aren't that great, 18 years is a long time to practise them and work it out.

Your husband is an ungrateful twat and rude to not say hello. Regardless of how they get along, your mum did make an effort.

I would never dream of ignoring his parents if they came to visit. Even if I was busy I would pop in and say Hi.

If he won’t make an effort with your mum then I’d take his cue on how to behave with PIL. I would be polite but I wouldn’t host them or cook for them or choose their Christmas presents.

How would he react if you ignored his parents?

You really don’t know any of this, you’re just presuming. A lot of spouses don’t get on with PIL but are civil.

For you to claim Op’s husband knows exactly how MIL feels is ridiculous.

Its usually fairly easy to tell when someone dislikes you so much so that even after 18 years of marriage they are still keeping a mental list and talking about how you aren't good enough for their precious daughter

Can't blame your husband really. Plus tiling is an annoying fiddly very time intensive job so he was probably just getting on with it.

For you to claim Op’s husband knows exactly how MIL feels is ridiculous.

I haven't said that he knows exactly how she feels. I'd put good money on him having a general sense of her dislike though. It's easy to pick up on this, no matter how 'civil' someone is being. In fact sometimes it's precisely that civility that gives it away. There's no genuine warmth, there's something quite forced about it.

This is a woman who has never thought he's good enough and who thinks her daughter should leave him. He'll have a good sense of her dislike, that's what comes through in these situations.

It's hard to understand why there's an underlying tension between them when your mother has felt he isn't good enough for you and has been encouraging you to leave him for 18 years?! You really don't see the problem?

Well done to your husband for leaving you to it and ignoring her.

Precisely. Were I in his shoes I'd avoid her like the plague.

People who strongly disapprove of someone are very often unable to resist communicating that disapproval. Even if it is only subtle hints.

To not even say hello though is v rude, especially when she brought him a present

He's not a child he shouldn't have to ne told to say hello to a guest in his home who brought him a gift

It's not very rude
It's not like he was sitting in the front room with them and blatantly ignoring her, pretending she wasn't there

He was busy doing a high concentration job to improve the house in a completely separate part of the house.

Can no longer vote, but I think YABVU

But this will just be another thing for her to add to the mental list that she keeps of reasons I should leave him. She is quite open with me that she always thought he was not good enough when we got married, and we have been married for 18 years. I just get fed up of it all and could cry.

Why should he make the effort to stop what is a big job to come and sit with someone who has always thought he was not good enough ?

She clearly hasn't come to see him. She came to see you and her dgc - which she did. Everyone should be happy, but you are letting your DM influence your thinking.

This is a big drip feed here.
I don't blame your husband for not wanting to spend time with her. I wouldn't like if my mum kept a list of reasons why I should leave DH or if my MiL did that on me.
We see these scenarios on here a lot and a woman is never told to make an effort, she's told to leave her DH to it and that's what he is doing here. And frankly I don't blame him.