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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and MIL

214 replies

Eventingmum · 08/01/2024 09:06

Over Christmas none of us were well and so we had to cancel Christmas. This meant we never managed to exchange gifts with my Mum, who was supposed to come to us for Christmas day.

Flash forward to yesterday and my Mum comes to visit and we are able to swap presents. My Mum arrived at 2pm and left at 3.30pm as she does not like driving in the dark.

I told my husband on Saturday that my Mum was popping in for a visit at 2ish. He just nodded his head.

It was lovely to see my Mum after so long and we had a good chat, swapped gifts and had a cup of tea. My daughter (14) sat with us the whole time and it was nice.
My husband was upstairs tiling the EnSite bathroom for the day. He started at about 10am and finished off at about 4pm (Has not completed it yet). He was up and downstairs quite a bit, cutting tiles, and as I was making my Mum a drink I told him she was here.

My Mum left his present on the side and we opened ours. My husband never appeared and my Mum then left before it got dark.

I am really cross with my husband for not popping in to say Hi. I know he was busy, but all he had to do was pop in, say hello, explain what he was up to and then disappear. My Mum and he do not really get a long, however this is the sort of thing that makes it worse. I feel that he lets himself down.

I would never dream of ignoring his parents if they came to visit. Even if I was busy I would pop in and say Hi.

He is now sulking with me as I told him I was annoyed at his rude behaviour. He hasn't even opened his present. He has just left it.

I thought that sleeping on it would make me less cross but it hasn't.
AIBU?

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 09/01/2024 10:28

Can we have a pic of the bathroom? Then I can make my decision

CaribouCarafe · 09/01/2024 10:29

coldcallerbaiter · 09/01/2024 10:28

Can we have a pic of the bathroom? Then I can make my decision

Hahaha coldcaller asking the real question here - I agree, we need a picture 😁

candlelog · 09/01/2024 10:29

Not popping his head in to say hi is rude. I would have spoken to dh whilst she was there and said- next time you're downstairs can you say hello to mum and thank her for the gift'. Ridiculous that you have to spell basic manners out to grown adults though. I'm sure your dd picked up on it too given her age.

everythingthelighttouches · 09/01/2024 10:30

CaribouCarafe · Today 10:23

I'm not surprised she doesn't like him - my guess is that he's always been a bit thoughtless/not well mannered and that she picked up on it, rather than him being polite and warm to begin with and then changing due to her not liking him.

That is your assumption, only OP can know this, but the point is she loved her DH and chose to marry him.

Yet her DM is still going on about him 18 years later. Perhaps he is a bit rude or socially inept but obviously the OP sees many other good qualities in him (I wish my DH could tile an entire bathroom or would take the time to do home improvements ).

It’s extremely disrespectful of the DM to both the OP and her DH, given OP’s choice to be and remain married to him, to continue to say she should leave him.

Stressedoutmammy · 09/01/2024 10:30

I am wondering what would have happened if she came at Christmas as planned? Would it not have made a very awkward Christmas for everyone?

SerafinasGoose · 09/01/2024 10:30

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 09/01/2024 10:10

At first I thought he was rude.......but your update has me thinking your mother sounds like a complete knobhead and he's had to tolerate her subtle putdowns and bullshit for years. I don't blame him for avoiding her.

I agree. @Eventingmum, you might not have repeated your mother's comments to your husband, but you don't know what she might have said to him when you haven't been listening. Even if she's said nothing at all, he's very clearly picked up on her disapproval. My MiL never confronted me, either, but constantly managed to convey her disdain through passive aggressive gestures. I speak in the past tense as I am now permanently NC.

I also believe you should be supporting him more.

everythingthelighttouches · 09/01/2024 10:32

coldcallerbaiter · 09/01/2024 10:28

Can we have a pic of the bathroom? Then I can make my decision

😂

Caleche · 09/01/2024 10:39

Eventingmum · 09/01/2024 09:32

Thanks for all the comments.
At end of the day my Mum is 76 and struggles with the stairs and as a guest I would not expect her to track my wayward husband down.
My Mum was happy to see me and my daughter and had a nice time.

But this will just be another thing for her to add to the mental list that she keeps of reasons I should leave him. She is quite open with me that she always thought he was not good enough when we got married, and we have been married for 18 years. I just get fed up of it all and could cry.

They don't hate each other, but there is always an underlying tension between them. It's hard to explain. I have never told my husband what she has said about him, but I suppose he will sense it so maybe does avoid her, but sometimes you just have to do things to keep the peace, and I would hope he would say hello just for my sake really.

It's not like asking a child to hug or kiss a person, to whoever put that. There is no physical contact required, so this comparison is crazy.

In this world you don't need to like or love everyone, but you do sometimes need to get on with people (similar to working with people you don't like) and unfortunately that sometimes means doing something you don't want to do/can't be bothered to do. Maybe this is an old fashioned opinion and not in keeping with todays values.
#bekind

OP this is exactly like my DM and DH. I found the whole thing so stressful that eventually I had to sit them down (separately) and say that the only person their actions were hurting was me and if they loved me they could at least be polite too and about each other. It hasn’t resolved the issue - my DM is very difficult and easily offended and my DH is quite intolerant. The biggest change I made though was just resolving not to give their issues my senses. I just resolved that intolerant and difficult don’t mix well !

coldcallerbaiter · 09/01/2024 10:42

Why exactly does dm think you should leave him? Has he done any bad things to you or anyone else? Or is he just not good enough due to education/class/whatever?

2chocolateoranges · 09/01/2024 10:58

In our house , If dh knew from the weekend that my mum was coming to celebrate “Christmas Day” in our home for an hour and a half I would expect it to have been a family time with us all there. It was 90mins.

however not to even pop his head in and say hello is incredibly rude. She was a guest in your home.

Ireallydontwantto · 09/01/2024 11:01

Richard1985 · 08/01/2024 21:59

I’m always extremely friendly and polite to all my wife’s guests. Usually put the kettle on, make everyone a cuppa and have a chat. I’ll even be the main source of entertainment for any children who wander in.

I can 100% guarantee she would swap all that for a husband who could tile a bathroom😂

😂 I’ve got one like you 👍

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 09/01/2024 11:01

I thought you were being a bit unreasonable at first. He was in the middle of a large job (clearly as its ongoing) and may have lost track of time. Not wanting to stop and say hello when he was cutting tiles is understandable (if I stop now, I'll forget where this piece is to go etc) and if he'd thought "I can finish this bit first" before she left quite early. Maybe you could have offered to pick her up so she could stay longer?

Then there's the fact in this thread alone the level expected not to appear rude varies from "just yell hello as you walk past" to "stick your head in for a moment" to "come and sit down and actually have a quick chat and open the present" ...

Now with your update - you are massively unreasonable. Your DM had resented him for 18 years and he'll know it. She doesn't have to say anything, he'll have picked up. It's highly likely no matter WHAT he did, she'd find fault. So if he had come in to say hi whilst dirty/working she'd have complained he was messy or that he was slacking off doing the job or didn't care for himself or something. And by having a go at him you are validating your DM's bad attitude towards him.

DuckBee · 09/01/2024 11:06

Have you ever re-tiled a bathroom? I have and I wouldn't popping to see people whilst in the middle of it.

adriftinadenofvipers · 09/01/2024 11:10

Cuts both ways. Why don't they get on?

Ahhh. Just read your update. Don't blame the poor bugger!

BoohooWoohoo · 09/01/2024 11:14

Based on your update it sounds like your h will know what she thinks of him. If she can’t let it go after 18 years (!!) then he’ll never be considered the right man for you. Wouldn’t a quick hi be seen rude as well even though he was unavailable because he was improving your home or did he pick that day because your mum was coming round?
Considering that he was ok with your mum coming round on the 25th and that day, I think that you are projecting your mum’s disapproval of him on your h. If he’d sat there the whole time then she might have considered that controlling as she couldn’t speak freely and a quick hello might have been seen as too quick. Some people can’t be convinced to change their mind and your h can’t win.

PillowRest · 09/01/2024 11:15

In our house I think that would have played out as me saying "DH is tiling the bathroom" and my mum popping up to say hi and see how it's going for him, or if I wanted DH to come down I would have gone and told him she had arrived, not expect him to keep track of time while busy and keep checking if she's there or not.

Did you not make him a drink at any point whilst making one for you and your mum? That would've been an ideal moment to ask him to take a break and come and say hello.

SamW98 · 09/01/2024 11:16

ManateeFair · 08/01/2024 10:00

YANBU. I wouldn't expect him to stop and sit with you and your mum but I would expect him to take thirty seconds just to say hello and thank her for bringing the presents over.

"Hi MIL! Nice to see you. Sorry I can't join you for a chat, but as you can see I'm up to my eyeballs in tiles and grout at the moment. Thanks for bringing the presents over - I'll look forward to opening mine this evening when I'm done with the DIY."

That's all it would have needed to show basic manners.

Absolutely this. YANBU OP to completely blank the fact your mum was there is rude as fuck.

As busy as he was he must have needed a drink or the loo so definitely had time to take a few minutes to say hello.

Branleuse · 09/01/2024 11:17

did you not ask him to take a break to swap pressies?
maybe he isnt a mindreader?

Laiste · 09/01/2024 11:20

Oh OK - after the update about her never thinking he's good enough for you and 18 years of it ....

I'm glad he didn't say hello !

Him saying hello or not wont change how she feels about him now will it!!?

She'll go to her grave thinking she's right about him no matter what he did or does now.
He knows it, you know it and she knows it. I think the time is long past for anyone pretending anything different OP.

Moveoverdarlin · 09/01/2024 11:21

He has no manners. What would it have hurt to say ‘Hello Jean! Happy New Year! You look well. I won’t sit down and chat as I’m tiling the bathroom, today’s the only day I’ve got chance to do it. You’ve got me a Christmas present? Ahh thank you, that’s great, if you don’t mind I’ll open it later, I need to crack on. Right, I’ll leave you ladies to have a chat.’

I couldn’t stand to be with a man who couldn’t handle the most basic of social situations.

Branleuse · 09/01/2024 11:22

on reading again and on reading your second post, i think you and your mum are passive aggressive. Why would you tolerate your mother giving you lists of reasons to leave your husband, or being open about disliking him? Thats toxic. No wonder he doesnt want to sit and chat with her or open her shitty present.
i think he left you two to get on with it. I hope to god she doesnt insult him in front of your children

Lorralorr · 09/01/2024 11:30

I’m with you on this - it’s just rude and so unhelpful if relations are bad. I have same situation, where DH does stuff like this but then also my mum has been known to do similar-ish things so they feed off each other 😩 The worst is feeling like you have to manage everyone’s behaviour. As if we’re not busy enough!

ohmygolli · 09/01/2024 11:33

Very rude, but maybe he didn’t see it that way.

think you should listen and try to understand why he did what he did and then tell him you’re not ok with it in future.

my DH can be a bit weird around my DM. No idea why. He is in denial. But they could be sitting silently for hours (if it wasn’t for my Dm, she will always make effort) he just doesn’t have much to say to her / not much in common. But he would NEVER not say hello and be present.

DiddyHeck · 09/01/2024 11:37

pushbaum · 09/01/2024 10:19

Ugh, this makes me think even more that you should have just popped up and asked him to say hello. If you know she is hostile to him, it would be better to help her see him in a good light. He should have known to say hi himself I suppose but why let it get so far?

Show quote history

If she was hostile to me, she could get to fuck.

And if my husband asked me to stop what I was doing to go and say hello to her, he could get to fuck too.

Laiste · 09/01/2024 11:41

@DiddyHeck agreed!

Can you imagine the replies to:

My father in law has spent the last 18 years trying to pursuade my husband to leave me. He has lists of things he says means i'm not good enough for my husband and is open about it. My husband has never shut him down about it.
AIBU to not bother with putting myself out to say hello to him when he's in the house for an hour when i'm busy with DIY upstairs?