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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and MIL

214 replies

Eventingmum · 08/01/2024 09:06

Over Christmas none of us were well and so we had to cancel Christmas. This meant we never managed to exchange gifts with my Mum, who was supposed to come to us for Christmas day.

Flash forward to yesterday and my Mum comes to visit and we are able to swap presents. My Mum arrived at 2pm and left at 3.30pm as she does not like driving in the dark.

I told my husband on Saturday that my Mum was popping in for a visit at 2ish. He just nodded his head.

It was lovely to see my Mum after so long and we had a good chat, swapped gifts and had a cup of tea. My daughter (14) sat with us the whole time and it was nice.
My husband was upstairs tiling the EnSite bathroom for the day. He started at about 10am and finished off at about 4pm (Has not completed it yet). He was up and downstairs quite a bit, cutting tiles, and as I was making my Mum a drink I told him she was here.

My Mum left his present on the side and we opened ours. My husband never appeared and my Mum then left before it got dark.

I am really cross with my husband for not popping in to say Hi. I know he was busy, but all he had to do was pop in, say hello, explain what he was up to and then disappear. My Mum and he do not really get a long, however this is the sort of thing that makes it worse. I feel that he lets himself down.

I would never dream of ignoring his parents if they came to visit. Even if I was busy I would pop in and say Hi.

He is now sulking with me as I told him I was annoyed at his rude behaviour. He hasn't even opened his present. He has just left it.

I thought that sleeping on it would make me less cross but it hasn't.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Hairspray123 · 08/01/2024 23:58

I think this is odd, so he didnt even shout down, hello MIL, Im busy doing XYZ I'll crack on and leave you to catch up. and then Shout down, bye MIL when she left? Something doesnt sound right. Why would you ignore someone completely , do you live in a massive house whereby he was in a completely seperate part? Its makes no sense as you were due to spend Xmas day together.

Copperoliverbear · 09/01/2024 00:05

Ignore him, he's being an idiot

Summonedbybees · 09/01/2024 00:12

Please all of you pop up on threads where a wife deliberately leaves the house when her MIL calls, because she doesn't get on either her. Please all say how incredibly rude she is being. Or I could use this thread to highlight advice on being polite to MILS.

clingon1012 · 09/01/2024 00:13

He was being very rude by not even thinking to greet your mum who he knew full well was there. You mentioned they don't get on but it doesn't sound like they hate each other's guts to the point of ignoring each other if your mum was going to spend the holidays with you?!

It's also not as if he was urgently needing to meet a deadline for work (though even if so, how long does it take to say "Hello, sorry I can't chat right now") and assuming your ensuite bathroom wasn't urgently in dire need of the tiling as he didn't finish anyway.

I'm surprised at the people who voted YABU and how they think its ok because he was busy? And why should the guest be the one to intiate greeting the supposed host?! How do these people treat their own family/guests...

saraclara · 09/01/2024 00:23

Summonedbybees · 09/01/2024 00:12

Please all of you pop up on threads where a wife deliberately leaves the house when her MIL calls, because she doesn't get on either her. Please all say how incredibly rude she is being. Or I could use this thread to highlight advice on being polite to MILS.

I don't think anyone would excuse a wife who remained upstairs and totally ignored her MIL's presence on what was essentially MIL's Christmas Day. All 1.5 hours of it.

Gagaandgag · 09/01/2024 00:40

saraclara · 08/01/2024 23:58

But she was the guest who had brought a present. It was her 'Christmas Day' visit for goodness sake It's not the guest's responsibility (even, and maybe especially, if it's a MIL) to go and interrupt someone who's clearly staying out of the way, in order to get their attention.

What kind of a host completely ignores a family visitor to their home? A two minute hi and present unwrap at a convenient point is hardly a chore. If she'd gone up and interrupted him, it would be bound to be at an inconvenient point and he'd be irritated.

Show quote history

I see your point definitely but I guess we are just more relaxed in our family then. My mum would have shouted up “I’ve left you a present Andy! Hope you’re getting on ok!” And maybe he would have shouted back “cheers Angie!” Or maybe come down.

Relationships work both ways and we don’t know why this particular pair don’t have a good relationship. Maybe the mother in law is at fault and the husband has finally given up being fake nice.

My husbands family have been horrible to me. This christmas I didn’t go to visit them, he took the children on his own. My husband supports me. I didn’t hear from any of them and I don’t mind.
I hate all the false niceties, pointless.

saraclara · 09/01/2024 00:47

Gagaandgag · 09/01/2024 00:40

I see your point definitely but I guess we are just more relaxed in our family then. My mum would have shouted up “I’ve left you a present Andy! Hope you’re getting on ok!” And maybe he would have shouted back “cheers Angie!” Or maybe come down.

Relationships work both ways and we don’t know why this particular pair don’t have a good relationship. Maybe the mother in law is at fault and the husband has finally given up being fake nice.

My husbands family have been horrible to me. This christmas I didn’t go to visit them, he took the children on his own. My husband supports me. I didn’t hear from any of them and I don’t mind.
I hate all the false niceties, pointless.

Show quote history

You're projecting in a very confusing way. You seem to think that this woman should feel relaxed about disturbing him (even though he doesn't like her) because your family is relaxed. And then go on to say that he shouldn't need to interact with her because your in-laws are horrible and you don't.

Gagaandgag · 09/01/2024 00:54

Sorry if I confused you but please don’t patronise me. I was simply saying that relationships work both ways. Bring a new angle to all of it. And thus bought my own personal experiences into my post.
Can’t you do that without being told you are projecting?

It appears that there was a stalemate between them - he was up and down the stairs, she would have heard/ seen him. Could have reached out. Why be afraid of disturbing him. The OP doesn’t state that he doesn’t like her she says they don’t get on. Works both ways.

saraclara · 09/01/2024 01:15

Gagaandgag · 09/01/2024 00:54

Sorry if I confused you but please don’t patronise me. I was simply saying that relationships work both ways. Bring a new angle to all of it. And thus bought my own personal experiences into my post.
Can’t you do that without being told you are projecting?

It appears that there was a stalemate between them - he was up and down the stairs, she would have heard/ seen him. Could have reached out. Why be afraid of disturbing him. The OP doesn’t state that he doesn’t like her she says they don’t get on. Works both ways.

"They don't get on" , means that neither of them likes/is comfortable around the other. Consequently she is not going to want to risk irritating him when he's working.

He, on the other hand, has a guest in his home who has brought him a gift. And he can choose a convenient time during his task, to take two minutes to at least greet her and open his gift.

The two people are in entirely different situations, with different risk factors.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 09/01/2024 02:23

Anyotherdude · 08/01/2024 09:13

OP I’ve given you a gentle YABU. Your DH probably thought he was doing something nice for you, and that he would let you catch up with your DM.
If I was your DM, I wouldn’t mind at all if my DS-in-law chose to continue his DIY and let me spend the afternoon with my DD and DGD…

Oh please what dribble? Really just stoping to say hello is now such a big deal? And you're really trying to justify it as something nice? Really?

She is not asking him to come sit down with them and chat but at least say hello.

NaughtybutNice77 · 09/01/2024 03:17

I'm on your OHs side here. If he crossed paths I'd expect a 'hello Mary, must get on' or even a just a smile and a nod. If they didn't cross over and it bothered you that much I think it was down to you and your mum to yell 'Dave, can you come down here for 2 mins. Mum's got our gifts'. You didn't and he just continued.
If you were my wife and you let it be known you were 'disappointed' I'd be angry and it would probably lead to a huge fall out where I blamed you for inviting people over on the day I was busy. I'd also sarcastically ask you what duties you had booked in for me the next day.
How did it go when you told him how you felt?

Mistlebough · 09/01/2024 04:36

It’s deeply rude and immature not to say a simple hello and thanks for the present to a guest, even if you din’t get along with them. He sounds like a really thoughtless partner.

RawBloomers · 09/01/2024 05:03

I think it’s pretty basic to at least stick his head in and say hello. But if they don’t get along (and assuming that’s not all his fault), it’s a petty thing to push. He found an excuse to stay out of the way, that’s not a bad way to handle people you don’t get along with when you can.

Noicant · 09/01/2024 05:11

Childish and rude, he could have said hi and then disappeared without engaging in a conversation. There are people I don’t like in DH’s family, I still say hi.

Shoxfordian · 09/01/2024 05:12

Why don't they get on? He sounds rude to have not at least said hello and chatted for a few minutes to be polite before he got on with the bathroom

Pipsquiggle · 09/01/2024 05:21

He definitely should have said something like

'Hi. Lovely to see you. Sorry we missed Christmas. I am doing a big DIY job at the so can't join you. Hope you enjoy your cup of tea......'

Less than a minute of chat was all that was needed - it acknowledges her presence and makes her feel welcome.

Is he normally like this? Sounds like he needs a lesson in etiquette and manners on how to let guests feel comfortable

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/01/2024 05:30

Yes, this was rude. He should have stopped to say hello.

bloodyeffinnora · 09/01/2024 05:47

yes definitely rude, he should be trying to make an effort for your sake too. how would he feel if you did the same to his mother.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 09/01/2024 06:27

Very rude. I couldn’t stand my own ILs, but would never ignore them if they visited. A quick “hello” and thanks for a gift wouldn’t have hurt him, especially as he was up,and down making tea, and would have set a good example to your daughter.

planetarynoodle · 09/01/2024 06:30

My Mum and he do not really get a long, and there is your answer. Personally I'd have nipped up and said do you mind just popping in and saying hi to mum? But it sounds like there's more to their relationship.

autienotnaughty · 09/01/2024 06:38

Rude and indicates he places little value in your family

Stressedoutmammy · 09/01/2024 06:45

YANU I often carry on with chores when my parents or in laws are around, but I always say hi, make a quick cuppa, comment on the chore. I wouldn’t want him to stop the job he was doing but it doesn’t sound like you expected that, literally just wanted him to say “hi, sorry can’t stop, busy tiling!” And I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect that even from someone who doesn’t have time to down tools for everyone who pops in.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 09/01/2024 06:50

Not saying hi is definitely rude, but on posts here where a woman doesn't get along with her MiL the advice tends to be almost unanimously 'leave DH to it with her'.

DaisyFlower2015 · 09/01/2024 07:11

Gagaandgag · 08/01/2024 23:45

She could have popped up to say hello. You could have encouraged her to do that?
Why don’t they get on?

I agree, why didn’t she go upstairs to say hello?

Onthemaintrunkline · 09/01/2024 07:16

Your husband didn’t behave well. Your Mum was a guest he could and should have done better. It quite likely will have cemented your Mums opinion of him. I wonder tho, despite it all whether both were pleased not to have to speak or interact with the other. YANBU.