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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and MIL

214 replies

Eventingmum · 08/01/2024 09:06

Over Christmas none of us were well and so we had to cancel Christmas. This meant we never managed to exchange gifts with my Mum, who was supposed to come to us for Christmas day.

Flash forward to yesterday and my Mum comes to visit and we are able to swap presents. My Mum arrived at 2pm and left at 3.30pm as she does not like driving in the dark.

I told my husband on Saturday that my Mum was popping in for a visit at 2ish. He just nodded his head.

It was lovely to see my Mum after so long and we had a good chat, swapped gifts and had a cup of tea. My daughter (14) sat with us the whole time and it was nice.
My husband was upstairs tiling the EnSite bathroom for the day. He started at about 10am and finished off at about 4pm (Has not completed it yet). He was up and downstairs quite a bit, cutting tiles, and as I was making my Mum a drink I told him she was here.

My Mum left his present on the side and we opened ours. My husband never appeared and my Mum then left before it got dark.

I am really cross with my husband for not popping in to say Hi. I know he was busy, but all he had to do was pop in, say hello, explain what he was up to and then disappear. My Mum and he do not really get a long, however this is the sort of thing that makes it worse. I feel that he lets himself down.

I would never dream of ignoring his parents if they came to visit. Even if I was busy I would pop in and say Hi.

He is now sulking with me as I told him I was annoyed at his rude behaviour. He hasn't even opened his present. He has just left it.

I thought that sleeping on it would make me less cross but it hasn't.
AIBU?

OP posts:
NewFriendlyLadybird · 09/01/2024 11:45

Weeeeell, your mother never thought he was good enough for you. I’d say he’s well aware of that. Would his coming downstairs and being normally polite suddenly improve their relationship? I’m guessing no, and that staying out of the way, while doing some seriously impressive DIY, was a reasonable move. You probably had a better time without him and he could concentrate on the job in hand.

Hadjab · 09/01/2024 11:49

shepherdsangeldelight · 09/01/2024 07:40

I think your DH was busy, this was something you organised without consulting him, and it was fine for him not to talk to your mum.

If you think it was poor for him not to come in and say hello, why did you not ask him to come down at a convenenient time before/during the visit? Why did you not say to your mum that you would got up and say hello to DH and see how he was getting along with the bathroom? Frankly, why did your mum - in her daughter's house which presumably she knows well, not want to say hello to your DH? It sounds like they were both equally happy not to interact and the only person with an issue over the behaviour is you.

My kids grew up knowing full well that you say hello to visitors in your home. He's a fully grown adult - why should she have to ask him to come down?

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 09/01/2024 11:51

This wouldn't bother me or my DM in the slightest, I would just be glad that DP was doing the DIY job!

Theatrefan12 · 09/01/2024 11:55

Hadjab · 09/01/2024 11:49

My kids grew up knowing full well that you say hello to visitors in your home. He's a fully grown adult - why should she have to ask him to come down?

Show quote history

Because her mum has spent 18 years telling her that he is no good for her

Would you be polite and come down to speak to someone who thinks that way about your marriage? I certainly wouldnt

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 09/01/2024 11:57

My DH would have stuck his head in and said hello, but equally my mum would have popped her head in to him and said hi or bye (and nosed at what he was doing).

It works both ways.

shepherdsangeldelight · 09/01/2024 12:00

Hadjab · 09/01/2024 11:49

My kids grew up knowing full well that you say hello to visitors in your home. He's a fully grown adult - why should she have to ask him to come down?

Show quote history

I have loads of visitors that my children never come and say hello to.
My children have loads of visitors that I never go and say hello to.

It's not necessary for a guest visiting one person to be greeted by every single person in the house.

It's particularly not necessary to go out of your way to say hello to a person who's made it very clear that they dislike you.

FictionalCharacter · 09/01/2024 12:04

Eventingmum · 09/01/2024 09:32

Thanks for all the comments.
At end of the day my Mum is 76 and struggles with the stairs and as a guest I would not expect her to track my wayward husband down.
My Mum was happy to see me and my daughter and had a nice time.

But this will just be another thing for her to add to the mental list that she keeps of reasons I should leave him. She is quite open with me that she always thought he was not good enough when we got married, and we have been married for 18 years. I just get fed up of it all and could cry.

They don't hate each other, but there is always an underlying tension between them. It's hard to explain. I have never told my husband what she has said about him, but I suppose he will sense it so maybe does avoid her, but sometimes you just have to do things to keep the peace, and I would hope he would say hello just for my sake really.

It's not like asking a child to hug or kiss a person, to whoever put that. There is no physical contact required, so this comparison is crazy.

In this world you don't need to like or love everyone, but you do sometimes need to get on with people (similar to working with people you don't like) and unfortunately that sometimes means doing something you don't want to do/can't be bothered to do. Maybe this is an old fashioned opinion and not in keeping with todays values.
#bekind

Well there it is, the drip feed. If you’d put that in the OP you would have had different replies. All you said was that they don’t really get along, which is a very different scenario.

She blathers on that he isn’t good enough, she’s been doing it for 18 years, enough to make you want to cry. Yet you want him to unilaterally be nice to her to keep the peace and make you feel better. This is nothing to do with “today’s values”. It’s you wanting him to pretend it’s all good so that you can kid yourself it’s all happy families. It’s easier for you to be that way than to tell your mother not to be still bitching about him after 18 years.

Of course he can sense that she despises him. It’s always there in someone’s body language, the way they look at and speak to you. No wonder he didn’t feel obliged to come and say hello.

You can keep the stupid bekind hashtag too. You could tell your mother to be kind to you and your husband instead of sniping, but you won’t. BeKind is nearly always used like that - the kindness (usually capitulation) is expected to go only in one direction.

Cosyblankets · 09/01/2024 12:05

Couldn't she have nipped up and taken an interest in what he was doing?

Cattiwampus · 09/01/2024 12:07

She doesn’t like him, and is vocal about it. Eighteen years or more.
He keeps his head down and stays out of the way. And it’s him you have a problem with?

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 09/01/2024 12:08

Hang on, something's not adding up

Over Christmas none of us were well and so we had to cancel Christmas. This meant we never managed to exchange gifts with my Mum, who was supposed to come to us for Christmas day.

If DH was fine with the plan for his MIL to spend Christmas Day with you, then why not stick his head in, say 'hi MIL, nice to see you, sorry I'm re-tiling the bathroom so I'll leave you to chat with @Eventingmum' and go back to his DIY?

Maybe MIL dislikes him because he's always been rude to her so has come round to thinking OP would be better off without him.

Or maybe not - but something's not adding up.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 09/01/2024 12:10

Or maybe DH was of the mind "its Christmas Day and my DW wants her DM here so I'll suck it up"
But now it's not actually Christmas Day he's decided to get on with a job that needs doing and not perform arbitrary social contacts with a woman who has clearly disliked him for the past 18 years?

LookItsMeAgain · 09/01/2024 12:13

Moveoverdarlin · 09/01/2024 11:21

He has no manners. What would it have hurt to say ‘Hello Jean! Happy New Year! You look well. I won’t sit down and chat as I’m tiling the bathroom, today’s the only day I’ve got chance to do it. You’ve got me a Christmas present? Ahh thank you, that’s great, if you don’t mind I’ll open it later, I need to crack on. Right, I’ll leave you ladies to have a chat.’

I couldn’t stand to be with a man who couldn’t handle the most basic of social situations.

Edited

Did you miss the part where the OP's mum has been dropping hints to her daughter (no idea how subtle or not) that the husband isn't good enough for her, for 18 years??????

Hobbi · 09/01/2024 12:18

If my mother had spent 18 years saying DP wasn't good enough for me, she wouldn't be invited to the house. Go give him a hug and thank him for using his weekend to do a very difficult task.

m00rfarm · 09/01/2024 12:20

You are not being unreasonable. HOwever, could your mother not have called up the stairs to him at some point? Sitting and waiting was fairly PA in my view. And your behaviour the same - it sounds as though you were waiting for him NOT to do something - you also could have easily called up or walked up to tell him. Pretty poor from all of you. And of course he is not going to open his present. Imagine - he opens the present, and then what? You will say - look - how nice if mum to buy you a present and you could not even say hello? No. You caused this because you had already played the whole thing out in your mind. You are all wrong.

WhatWhereWho · 09/01/2024 12:23

Your update changes the whole tone of the interaction. Any reason you did not put that in the opening post?

He's had 18 years of having to put up with a relationship with someone who looks down on him -and he's put up with it because he loves you. She's in his home repeatedly and he was just getting on with the DIY, I do not blame him at all. Any reason your mum could not have shouted up hi how are you? Or are you expectations just on him to 'be nice' and make an effort? Sounds like he's been making an effort for 18 years. She has repeatedly made you cry, looks down on hi, can't be arsed to say hello when she goes to your house but you are annoyed at him? Guess your be kind and values do not apply equally. You should be apologising to him.

Is the next drip feed that he gambled all your money away, was a drug dealer or collected funds for ISIS?

Bobbotgegrinch · 09/01/2024 12:27

He was busy, why on earth should he put himself out for someone who has always thought he "wasn't good enough".

You're lucky if he speaks to her at all!

coldcallerbaiter · 09/01/2024 12:28

I cannot make my mind up with no info.

Is dh an asshole generally and does OP think he is. If OP does not agree with dm, then dm is out of order to keep urging her to leave him.

Dh not knowing what dm has said is probably a good thing or he would be banning her and he would be right.

Dh probably does sense dmil is hostile. If I sensed mil was hostile, I would ignore her or be hostile back.

but if dh is an asshole by the judgement if OP and MN, well then dm is wise.

MarkWithaC · 09/01/2024 12:34

YANBU. How rude of him.
I didn't really get on with my DP's late mother (like yours, just an unspoken tension) but would never ignore her. And I always opened, and said thank you for, any presents. Often she and his dad had little money and presents were very modest, but she always thought to give me something and I appreciated that.

Hobbi · 09/01/2024 12:36

MarkWithaC · 09/01/2024 12:34

YANBU. How rude of him.
I didn't really get on with my DP's late mother (like yours, just an unspoken tension) but would never ignore her. And I always opened, and said thank you for, any presents. Often she and his dad had little money and presents were very modest, but she always thought to give me something and I appreciated that.

But this isn't an unspoken tension. It's been vocalised for 18 years and appears to be one sided and vindictive.

FrostieBoabby · 09/01/2024 12:42

I think it depends on the back story re them not getting on.

If your Mother isn't friendly towards him I don't blame him for keeping away.

BardRelic · 09/01/2024 12:50

But this will just be another thing for her to add to the mental list that she keeps of reasons I should leave him. She is quite open with me that she always thought he was not good enough when we got married, and we have been married for 18 years. I just get fed up of it all and could cry.

I thought YWBU before you said this. If someone is a frequent guest and one of the family, I don't feel the need to greet them every time they come around. This would be especially so if I was in the middle of DIY. Some people just don't feel the need to stand on ceremony. I don't care about them any less, I just think some things are unspoken.

If you then factor in that you mother doesn't like him and thinks you should leave him, it's hardly surprising that he's not going to go out of the way to greet her. You're dancing to your mum's tune at the expense of your marriage. Unless she genuinely has reason to suspect your husband is abusive, your mother should be accepting your choice, not routinely trying to undermine your husband.

whynotwhatknot · 09/01/2024 13:00

has he done things in the past or is it just not good enough for your mum for you to be married to him for no reason?

hes not daft he probably knows even if youve never told him

MarleyandMarleyWoooo · 09/01/2024 13:11

i started off YABU, he was busy, then YANBU, he could’ve just stuck his head around the door and spoke very briefly but now I am firmly YABU! If your charming mother doesn’t think he’s good enough, I can’t see why it would worry her a jot to miss out on his company. If someone kept a mental list of reasons I wasn’t good enough for my husband, they wouldn’t even be welcome in my home and I’d consider him disloyal in the extreme if he tolerated that.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 09/01/2024 13:27

Eventingmum · 09/01/2024 09:32

Thanks for all the comments.
At end of the day my Mum is 76 and struggles with the stairs and as a guest I would not expect her to track my wayward husband down.
My Mum was happy to see me and my daughter and had a nice time.

But this will just be another thing for her to add to the mental list that she keeps of reasons I should leave him. She is quite open with me that she always thought he was not good enough when we got married, and we have been married for 18 years. I just get fed up of it all and could cry.

They don't hate each other, but there is always an underlying tension between them. It's hard to explain. I have never told my husband what she has said about him, but I suppose he will sense it so maybe does avoid her, but sometimes you just have to do things to keep the peace, and I would hope he would say hello just for my sake really.

It's not like asking a child to hug or kiss a person, to whoever put that. There is no physical contact required, so this comparison is crazy.

In this world you don't need to like or love everyone, but you do sometimes need to get on with people (similar to working with people you don't like) and unfortunately that sometimes means doing something you don't want to do/can't be bothered to do. Maybe this is an old fashioned opinion and not in keeping with todays values.
#bekind

My view is its rude of him but with your update I can also see why he didn't bother as the relationship between them is tense and they don't like each other. Your mom seeing things to her mental list because she didn't think he was good enough for you despite the fact you've been married 18 years is ridiculous and if I was your husband I would probably ignore her as well.

You seem to be focused on the symptom such as he didn't come down to say hello while ignoring the deeper issues about the state of their relationship after 18 years of marriage.

DriftingDora · 09/01/2024 13:39

I still think your husband was rude, but I'm sure he's fully aware of what his MIL thinks about him, even if you've never said anything outright.

And you can't be certain that he's not overheard something - or your Mum hasn't said something to him when you weren't there - that makes her feelings quite clear. Yes, he should have called her out on it if so, and certainly told you, but people don't always admit to what they've done, and he may have thought she would just deny it. So perhaps you need to consider this.