Husband and MIL

[Eventingmum]

Over Christmas none of us were well and so we had to cancel Christmas. This meant we never managed to exchange gifts with my Mum, who was supposed to come to us for Christmas day.

Flash forward to yesterday and my Mum comes to visit and we are able to swap presents. My Mum arrived at 2pm and left at 3.30pm as she does not like driving in the dark.

I told my husband on Saturday that my Mum was popping in for a visit at 2ish. He just nodded his head.

It was lovely to see my Mum after so long and we had a good chat, swapped gifts and had a cup of tea. My daughter (14) sat with us the whole time and it was nice.
My husband was upstairs tiling the EnSite bathroom for the day. He started at about 10am and finished off at about 4pm (Has not completed it yet). He was up and downstairs quite a bit, cutting tiles, and as I was making my Mum a drink I told him she was here.

My Mum left his present on the side and we opened ours. My husband never appeared and my Mum then left before it got dark.

I am really cross with my husband for not popping in to say Hi. I know he was busy, but all he had to do was pop in, say hello, explain what he was up to and then disappear. My Mum and he do not really get a long, however this is the sort of thing that makes it worse. I feel that he lets himself down.

I would never dream of ignoring his parents if they came to visit. Even if I was busy I would pop in and say Hi.

He is now sulking with me as I told him I was annoyed at his rude behaviour. He hasn't even opened his present. He has just left it.

I thought that sleeping on it would make me less cross but it hasn't.
AIBU?

After that update, YABU. He's following the mumsnet stance pretty well. Someone has been a twat to him in the past and whilst he won't stop you having a relationship with her, he'll keep out her way. Unless he's been making nasty comments about her for years and years but you don't mention that.

How old is he? Clearly not 10.. Acting like a grown up and being polite to family is not a big ask.. He’s behaved like a child and continues to do so if he’s sulking after you mentioned it.

I think that was really rude and childish behaviour. He should have acknowledged her with a quick hello at the very least.

But he’s an adult. He knew exactly what he was doing: he didn’t want to say hello to her.
He’s an incredibly rude person.

He is rude and his behaviour was awful really. But in those circumstances I think I would have gone up at the time and said "Mum has brought a present for you. Please come down and say Hi and open it.!" At least then he cant just blame absorption in the job he was doing! Then after Mum had gone I would say "Look I know you ad Mum find it difficult around each other but does that really merit you making yourself look so rude?"

Why is he the only culprit here? I’m a MIL and I would have gone up to see what he was working on and say, “Hi, looks great! Merry Christmas.”Your mother could have greeted him just as easily as he could have greeted her….

Unless he’s a Tiler by profession, he was probably stuck in the job.tile adhesive goes off quickly etc
I do my own tiling there’s points where you can’t stop!
why didn’t your mum nip upstairs poker head round the door and say hi

My sons partner often does that to my husband and I,makes it pretty obvious she has no time for us.

Rude and childish. So the present hasn’t been opened. What’s he going to do? Leave it on the side indefinitely, throw it away, give it unopened to a charity shop? He was obviously deliberately being rude to your mother and because he knew this would upset you, he was being rude to you too. YANBU.

I don’t think it’s on guests to track hosts down in their own home, if anything that could come across as rude, so don’t get the comments that MIL is equally to blame.

They don't get on. Your mum came to see you and her grandchild. She was probably equally relieved not to see him. If it was that important, you should have gone upstairs and asked him directly to say hello. But you left him tiling. And he was quite happy getting on with a DIY job. If people don't get on, don't force them together. People have been using household or garden chores or golf for centuries to avoid in-laws. Next time, if you need DH there, invite MIL for a sit down lunch.

Yes it was a bit rude of him.

However, he was told she was coming but that doesn't mean he was available. It honestly gets on my nerves if I'm expected to drop everything I'm doing to fit into plans that have been made without my involvement.

This.

As a bloke on here, amuses me the amount of woke women giving predictable "men are assholes" answers. They don't get on, so he's cracked on. Well done him for getting a hard job done. Also the MIL could have made the effort to say hi - and didn't. Pot kettle black.

Let it go, geez.

Some peopleparticularly men, in my worlddo not multitask well. They need to do one task, complete it, and then another. They cannot interrupt that task (tiling) to do another short task (saying hello and opening a present). I have seen this many times. They get angry if asked to do what someone else considers a simple juggling of time and responsibilities. I suspect your husband may be one of these. This would be compounded by him not particularly liking your mother--the task of being sociable would be even harder and take more energy.
You could have preempted this by explaining to your mom that your husband is tiling, he is hyper focused on his job, sends his Happy holidays through you, but you are happy he is working and not distracted so you will get a lovely tiling job done! Your mum can come over in a week.or two and admire it! And your husband should be relaxed and able to enjoy her company.

Your DM didn't stay long OP, he could have thought he'd finish the section he was doing, clean up then come and say hi.
When your DM was saying her goodbyes, why not call up to him to come say hi/bye.
If you know they don't get on and want them to, you could have helped the situation.
Could have sent your DD up too or called out to him when he was downstairs.
Basically, could have been avoided but being knee deep in a big job, time goes quickly and he might have been thinking, I'll go down in a minute.....

I'd be pissed off too! I mean, yes, he was doing an important DIY job and yes, he was giving you and your daughter and mother quality time together, but he could easily have spent 5 minutes saying 'Hello,' opening his present and thanking her. It's common courtesy.

My MIL and I do not get on (long story) but I have a duty of care and I'm not rude and there is common courtesy.

I would have given him a dressing down too. If the shoe was on the other foot how would he feel!?*

Does your MIL slag you off to your husband and keep telling him to leave you ever since you have been married ? Always in his ear about you? There is a big difference to just not getting on as opposed to knowing someone is always manipulating someone against you as OPs mother does to him , Vile .

I wouldn't want to say hello to someone that has spent 18 years telling my wife that I'm not good enough for her and that she should leave me. Fuck that! Team husband here.

@Here4thechocs @KrisAkabusi My MIL hasn't been over the threshold of our home in 5 years or more. Oh she's vile. I avoid her as often as I can, believe me. She has hospitalised me before now (accidentally - on purpose)!
Unfortunately she is my husband's mother - and he is a good person and he didn't choose her. I am courteous in my loyalty to him, but I don't chose to be sociable with her at all. My daughter no longer wants to see her - and it's her choice (I will not force her).

I totally get it. I do. I'm just saying to keep the peace. A head around the door, a 'Hello' a 'Thanks for the gift.' Don't even have to open it! She's old. She's your wife's mother. You don't have to like her, or agree with her, or anything that she represents.... But she did produce your wife. She is (unfortunately) part of your family.

That is all.

This^
however I always tell my DH about expectations clearly as he can be carried away a bit while doing DIY jobs.

Actually that is a good point!

OP said she doesn't tell DH what her mum says about him. So guessing he doesn't know about her wanting OP to leave him.

We have no idea what she says to him when OP isn’t around.

All with him not liking her (he obviously can’t stand her if he didn’t open present) but feel like he has let himself down by wasting the opportunity to be over the top sickly nice to her.

now she has the upper hand that he was rude, DH needs to up his game next time

And you would be as pseudo polite to a MIL who still considers you inferior after 18 years? The thread's such a great example of MN double standards.