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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and MIL

214 replies

Eventingmum · 08/01/2024 09:06

Over Christmas none of us were well and so we had to cancel Christmas. This meant we never managed to exchange gifts with my Mum, who was supposed to come to us for Christmas day.

Flash forward to yesterday and my Mum comes to visit and we are able to swap presents. My Mum arrived at 2pm and left at 3.30pm as she does not like driving in the dark.

I told my husband on Saturday that my Mum was popping in for a visit at 2ish. He just nodded his head.

It was lovely to see my Mum after so long and we had a good chat, swapped gifts and had a cup of tea. My daughter (14) sat with us the whole time and it was nice.
My husband was upstairs tiling the EnSite bathroom for the day. He started at about 10am and finished off at about 4pm (Has not completed it yet). He was up and downstairs quite a bit, cutting tiles, and as I was making my Mum a drink I told him she was here.

My Mum left his present on the side and we opened ours. My husband never appeared and my Mum then left before it got dark.

I am really cross with my husband for not popping in to say Hi. I know he was busy, but all he had to do was pop in, say hello, explain what he was up to and then disappear. My Mum and he do not really get a long, however this is the sort of thing that makes it worse. I feel that he lets himself down.

I would never dream of ignoring his parents if they came to visit. Even if I was busy I would pop in and say Hi.

He is now sulking with me as I told him I was annoyed at his rude behaviour. He hasn't even opened his present. He has just left it.

I thought that sleeping on it would make me less cross but it hasn't.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Laiste · 09/01/2024 09:31

Oh my mistake it wasn't all day 😂 I'm projecting!

Still if he was going past the door to get his tea he should have at least grunted through it!

Original poster
Eventingmum · 09/01/2024 09:32

Thanks for all the comments.
At end of the day my Mum is 76 and struggles with the stairs and as a guest I would not expect her to track my wayward husband down.
My Mum was happy to see me and my daughter and had a nice time.

But this will just be another thing for her to add to the mental list that she keeps of reasons I should leave him. She is quite open with me that she always thought he was not good enough when we got married, and we have been married for 18 years. I just get fed up of it all and could cry.

They don't hate each other, but there is always an underlying tension between them. It's hard to explain. I have never told my husband what she has said about him, but I suppose he will sense it so maybe does avoid her, but sometimes you just have to do things to keep the peace, and I would hope he would say hello just for my sake really.

It's not like asking a child to hug or kiss a person, to whoever put that. There is no physical contact required, so this comparison is crazy.

In this world you don't need to like or love everyone, but you do sometimes need to get on with people (similar to working with people you don't like) and unfortunately that sometimes means doing something you don't want to do/can't be bothered to do. Maybe this is an old fashioned opinion and not in keeping with todays values.
#bekind

OP posts:
DriftingDora · 09/01/2024 09:34

He's rude. Blimey, how long does it take to basically say 'Hi and goodbye?' He could have just said sorry, can't stop - look at the state of me, I'm up to my eyes in dust", or whatever.

mn29 · 09/01/2024 09:35

Yanbu to feel annoyed but you could have said before she came that it would be nice for him to pop his head round the door and say hello, or you could have gone upstairs while she was there and asked him to come and say hello at a convenient time, eg when he has a break to make a cup of tea. So in that sense it’s a bit pointless to get annoyed after the event.

Step5678 · 09/01/2024 09:41

"But this will just be another thing for her to add to the mental list that she keeps of reasons I should leave him. She is quite open with me that she always thought he was not good enough when we got married, and we have been married for 18 years. I just get fed up of it all and could cry."

I'm sorry OP, this is an unfair amount of pressure for your mum to put on you, and also on your husband. I would hate to feel that level of disapproval from an in-law, no wonder hes not rushing to greet her!

Unless he is a genuinely horrible person, you need to tell your mum to drop the judgement. Sympathies for a difficult situation, but don't blame your husband for this one

HowToSaveAWife · 09/01/2024 09:44

YABU. I'm now with your husband.

"She is quite open with me that she always thought he was not good enough when we got married"

This is toxic behaviour and I wouldn't break my heart to say hello to her, how awful. And if she hasn't said it directly to him then he's felt it as has DD, I'd wager. So I'd stop that shit in its tracks before she imparts her feelings on your daughter. It's a short leap from saying that to you and then disparagingly telling your DD 'just like your father' when she falls below your M's expectations.

YABU to entertain this nonsense.

Tourmalines · 09/01/2024 09:45

Oh ok, I’ve changed my mind after your update . So she has always been in your ear about him never being good enough for you. And the tension between the two of them has probably been because of her body language to him in 18 years .? I think that is highly likely. So she will be telling you to leave him again because he never greeted her ? I think your mum is not doing you any favours and I can see now why he didn’t say hello .

Northernparent68 · 09/01/2024 09:46

How does your MIL treat him, do you back her or your husband up when they fall out

Theatrefan12 · 09/01/2024 09:47

I originally started this thinking your husband was the unreasonable one but with your update it is definitely your mum

Do you not think that if for 18 years you were aware that your MIL didn’t like you, was telling your husband to leave you and generally not accepting that you and your husband are married, that you would stay out of the way when she visited?

Because if roles were reversed and you were complaining about your MIL behaving how your mum is, the responses in here would be stay out the way when she visits and let your husband facilitate the relationship with your children. Which is exactly what happened here

Plus you lost me with the #bekind comment as that’s just a well known way of shutting people up that have a different opinion to you

LookItsMeAgain · 09/01/2024 09:53

I'm firmly in team Husband here.

@Eventingmum - I put the suggestion about a kid being asked to hug/kiss their grandparent as I said in my head I could see parallels between your husband being asked (or forced because he doesn't get along with your mother) to be polite to her.

Now that you mention she has been saying to you to leave him, I'm even more in his team. How dare she! She is not the one living with him, you are. If I was aware that the mother of my husband was dripping suggestions into his ear about him leaving me, I wouldn't want to be polite to her either.

To use your own analogy of working with colleagues that you might not get along with but have to be polite to, you are aware that the employee is not chained to that job? They can leave the workplace and find another job where they do get along with their colleagues, right??? I would put it to you that your analogy is even less relevant to your situation.

DyslexicPoster · 09/01/2024 09:54

I think it’s rude. It’s the kind of thing my in law would do. As a result I don’t feel comfortable in their house and avoid going at all costs now. They make me feel very uncomfortable but I suspect that was the intention.

everythingthelighttouches · 09/01/2024 09:54

Based on your latest update, I have changed my vote to YABU

Of course he knows she doesn’t think he is good enough. The way I read your update, you don’t sound very critical of your mother’s behaviour. Is this the case ?

Your mother sounds like mine in that she is extremely judgmental. You’ve been married 18 years and she’s still keeping a list of why you should leave him and telling you ? She’s not very nice is she? It is a terrible way to treat your child.

This will doubtless create resentment in your marriage if you are not being open with your husband about all this. It’s like you have a big secret from him.

By the way my mother is very interfering too and my DH handles her very well and still would have come down to say hello in this situation and I love him all the more for it. But I wouldn’t expect him to.

Flatulence · 09/01/2024 09:57

It's a bit rude of him to not stick his head around the door and say hello.
However, to play devil's advocate, your mum wasn't there for especially long and if you're in the middle of a big job time does run away from you.
It's also likely that he thought he'd stay out of your hair and let you, your mum and your daughter have a chat.
While I think he should have said hello, I do think you're being unreasonable to make a big deal out of it.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/01/2024 09:57

Also - the title of this thread should be Husband and Mum don't get along or better yet Mum and Husband don't get along(because she is the one who clearly has an issue with HIM not him with her).
The way it's currently written, it could be (and probably has been) interpreted that your husband is the primary source of this discord.
He really isn't.

How he's managed to stay with you through 18 years of your mother saying to you to leave him, I'll never know. Whether you have said anything to him or not about this, he is not stupid and will definitely have picked up on her manner towards him.

By her getting him a gift she is forcing him to be in her company (when she clearly doesn't like him for you). He is not the host when your mother pops around for a visit, YOU are.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 09/01/2024 09:58

All he needed to do was stick his head round the door and say "hi MIL, I'm upstairs tiling - lovely to see you briefly!" anything less is rude and I would be pissed off too.

My husband used to just take himself off to bed when my mum visited - I had to tell him just bloody say goodnight before you go up!

Don't know why I'm shocked at the contrarians saying she should have sought out the host to say hi.

TM1979 · 09/01/2024 10:01

YANBU. He definitely could have stuck his head around the door and said hi, how was your Xmas etc? Then made his excuses and went back to the diy.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 09/01/2024 10:01

From your update I can see that he was making a point by deliberately snubbing your Mum in his house. They clearly cannot stand one another.

DiddyHeck · 09/01/2024 10:06

At end of the day my Mum is 76 and struggles with the stairs and as a guest I would not expect her to track my wayward husband down.

Firstly she's your mum, not a 'guest' and secondly what do you mean 'track him down'?

Even I know where he was...spoiler alert...he was in the en suite bathroom doing some tiling 😳

SerafinasGoose · 09/01/2024 10:07

In my house it's been the other way round. My MiL's been known to visit, I've cooked for her, gone out of my way to be welcoming, and she has refused even to speak to me. She's done it twice now. The last time, when I wished her a safe drive home, she dismissed me with a sharp gesture. This was several months after I very nearly died in a serious accident, and the first time she'd seen me since. I didn't expect concern; a simple 'hello' would have sufficed.

As ever, it's also part of a long pattern of passive-aggressively showing her disapproval of me. But needless to say, after that little display I'm none too keen on having her in my home again. I've overlooked her rude behaviour far too many times; refusing to speak to me whilst under my roof, having eaten my food, is not something I shall be tolerating for a third time. She won't be invited here, and if she was, I'd certainly be absenting myself for as long as she was present.

OP, I believe the PP upthread has it right when they suggest it might be unwise to try to force the pace of the relationship between your husband and your mum. The reverse is often true and the more you try, the more they will dig their heels in. Sometimes it's a case of never the twain shall meet.

everythingthelighttouches · 09/01/2024 10:09

In this world you don't need to like or love everyone, but you do sometimes need to get on with people (similar to working with people you don't like) and unfortunately that sometimes means doing something you don't want to do/can't be bothered to do.

If your mum has been on at you for 18 years to leave your husband and telling you she doesn’t think he’s good enough, then how is she living up to this??

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 09/01/2024 10:10

At first I thought he was rude.......but your update has me thinking your mother sounds like a complete knobhead and he's had to tolerate her subtle putdowns and bullshit for years. I don't blame him for avoiding her.

moomoomoo27 · 09/01/2024 10:15

Peak mumsnet. Your husband spends 6 hours on his own tiling, saving you money, improving your environment, probably adding to the value of your property, and doing something practical and skilled for the family. And you get to sit down and have a lovely chat with your mum. And it's still not good enough for you.

They don't like each other, and you set them up in that situation by never once popping your head round the bathroom door to say, "Mum's nipping off now, can you show your face before she leaves?" You knew he was right in the middle of a dirty, practical job, probably without realising what time it was or having easy access to a clock, being in the bathroom. You wanted the situation to happen so you could complain about it.

I have a friend like this and she's always complaining xyz about her husband, who does loads, but she doesn't see it or acknowledge it because she's always expecting to do something different and ignoring what he has done.

pushbaum · 09/01/2024 10:19

Eventingmum · 09/01/2024 09:32

Thanks for all the comments.
At end of the day my Mum is 76 and struggles with the stairs and as a guest I would not expect her to track my wayward husband down.
My Mum was happy to see me and my daughter and had a nice time.

But this will just be another thing for her to add to the mental list that she keeps of reasons I should leave him. She is quite open with me that she always thought he was not good enough when we got married, and we have been married for 18 years. I just get fed up of it all and could cry.

They don't hate each other, but there is always an underlying tension between them. It's hard to explain. I have never told my husband what she has said about him, but I suppose he will sense it so maybe does avoid her, but sometimes you just have to do things to keep the peace, and I would hope he would say hello just for my sake really.

It's not like asking a child to hug or kiss a person, to whoever put that. There is no physical contact required, so this comparison is crazy.

In this world you don't need to like or love everyone, but you do sometimes need to get on with people (similar to working with people you don't like) and unfortunately that sometimes means doing something you don't want to do/can't be bothered to do. Maybe this is an old fashioned opinion and not in keeping with todays values.
#bekind

Ugh, this makes me think even more that you should have just popped up and asked him to say hello. If you know she is hostile to him, it would be better to help her see him in a good light. He should have known to say hi himself I suppose but why let it get so far?

Dhilezzz · 09/01/2024 10:23

Your mother has kept a list for 18 years of why you should leave your husband and how he’s not good enough for you. If I was your husband I wouldn’t go near her.

The mumsnet double standards are fully on display here, if this was reversed and you didn’t get on with your MIL there’d be a chorus of “She’s your DH problem not yours, you’re fully in your rights to ignore her”.

CaribouCarafe · 09/01/2024 10:23

I'm not surprised she doesn't like him - my guess is that he's always been a bit thoughtless/not well mannered and that she picked up on it, rather than him being polite and warm to begin with and then changing due to her not liking him.

I'd also not be surprised if he'd decided that Sunday was the day to tile the en suite after you'd told him your mum was coming round. In any case, as PPs have said, it would've taken next to no effort for him to greet her when she arrived, apologise that he was tied up for the day, and graciously open his gift and thank her. You're not unreasonable to be angry OP, I'd also be incredibly hurt if my DH acted in the same way (but I know he wouldn't - I have a mother that's hard to get along with and yet my DH has always treated her extremely kindly and warmly and it's one of the reasons I married him).