To ask why the hate for boys?

[Numberttwotwo]

I know this has probably been discussed before. But I seem to come across something every day that makes me feel less worthy, someone to pity and just a bit shit.
I have 2 boys. They are kind, gentle, loving and the best of friends.
So why are my friends (really ‘good’ very longstanding friends) and strangers making comments that make me feel like this. Granted they’re comments about ‘boys’ and not MY boys.
I’ve been told (by a friend with one of each) that mums of boys won’t matter when they’re married and sons will be closer to the in laws.
I was told by a friend’s husband they HAD to find out the sex at 20 weeks because they’d have been soooo disappointed if it was a boy. (In front of my boys)
I was told yesterday (also in front of them) that my friend had been put off EVER having a boy by the behaviour of her nephew.
And this is not including all mentions of trying for a girl whenever we talk about possibly having a third.
I wish I had better ways of responding in the moment but for some reason I always bite my tongue.

YABU - boys are the worst and I pity anyone with more than one.
YANBU - the world should just parent their children and stop with the stupid comments based on nothing more than genitals

Rant over.

I think it's really weird but then so many people do seem to care so much that I start to think I'm weird.

I got very upset when I was awaiting my 20 week scan with youngest DC and I overheard a woman bitching about the fact her baby was in an awkward position so they couldn’t find out the sex. She said she needed to know, whatever it took because she definitely didn’t want a boy so she’d be paying for as many private scans as possible until she found out.

I was upset because I had 2 miscarriages at 12 weeks and I couldn’t give a flying fuck what sex the baby was, I just wanted it to be alive. Some people truly baffle me.

If some people don't see their son after he gets married maybe they should reflect on how they treat him and his wife instead of blaming it on him being male.
In other words: don't believe those idiots for even one second. You can have a great relationship with your sons for the rest of your life.

I don’t get it at all @Numberttwotwo. It tends to be women who only have female friends, or just sisters, in my experience. I think they want a mini-me, or someone they can do ‘girly’ things with (yuk).

My cousin only comments on pictures of girls on SM (to wish them a Happy Birthday etc.). My two boys never get any nice comments (they are absolutely lovely and beautifully behaved).

I agree with this, but also I meet a huge amount of men who just put no effort into maintaining relationships with their family. They love them well enough, but don't seem to think it's them that should put the effort in; that's Wife Work. It's hardly surprising that the wife is more invested in the relationship with her own parents, which leads to the two of them seeing that side of the family more.

I love little boys and think either sex of baby is a gift and their temperament is likely due to personality rather than because they are boys or girls.

However, something that I was aware of whilst pregnant with my kids and perhaps could explain why some women have a preference for girls, is that their are so many terrible men. The older I get the more I distrust men and prefer to be around women. So the pressure to raise a good, gentle, respectful man, i feel would be immense. Especially with the amount of porn and violence that has been normalised and consumed within society.

So what I'm saying is try to not raise your boys with the expectation that their wives will do this sort of thing for them!

I should say my husband is a great example of the exact opposite - he puts loads of effort into seeing his family. So I hope my son will learn from his example

Because this is a female site. A male forum would read very differently.
Stats show most men want boys, and are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female.

YABU. This isn’t about you, or your boys. Stop trying to make it a personal attack.

Some people just don’t want boys. I didn’t. I thank my lucky stars everyday I got two girls.

Look around the world at all of the terrible things happening, 95% of which is caused by men.
They can’t all have had terrible upbringings so are men inherently bad? I don’t have any answers but it’s a risk when you have a child.

I think this is so true @Crostini.

But also, if you're in the UK, you cant terminate a pregnancy for the reason if sex, unless for medical reasons, so what these women at scans are planning to do if they get the news they don't want I don't know.

Re' the comment to do with trying for a third, if you had previously had girls it would be reversed, so try not to take that one too personally.

The other stuff is bollocks, yes.

I ADORE my boy!!! Yes he stereotypically loves trucks and cars but he is so loving, loves doing little jobs around the house and baking. Loves dancing and singing.

The way I see it is it’s a gift to raise a boy, I’ve never been a boy? As he gets older I will get an insight into what it’s like to be a boy in this world.

I will gently guide him to be a good young man and a support to women and I’ll teach him about misogyny and sexism.

Is there a better way to make the world better for women than to try and raise a good man??

But then what about mummy’s boys? Lots of those around who are very close to their mums throughout life.

I think wanting a girl is more of a safe feeling, you think you’ll know what you’ll get, as a woman. Obviously not the case though as some girls and women clash massively with mums.

People in general expect everyone to want one of each, it isn't all boy hate! I have one of each, I'd have been happy with 2 girls (oldest is a girl) but I've had a lot of people mention the one of each thing. I had a slight girl preference but DS is the sweetest baby and I'm very glad to have him and wouldn't want it any other way now

So why are my friends (really ‘good’ very longstanding friends) and strangers making comments that make me feel like this.

Because your friends, and some strangers, are idiots, with ridiculous, old-fashioned ideas.

I don't understand either,OP. I also had MC and I just thought of DS as 'the baby' when I was pg, I just desperately wanted him to survive!
I get the 'men do most of the terrible things' reason BUT surely if boys have a sense of being a disappointment because of their sex (which they will, kids know these things), it's not going to make them better men in the longer term..

*TheJanuaryPinks · Today 07:27

YABU. This isn’t about you, or your boys. Stop trying to make it a personal attack.

Some people just don’t want boys. I didn’t. I thank my lucky stars everyday I got two girls.*

And

*Fairyliz · Today 07:28

Look around the world at all of the terrible things happening, 95% of which is caused by men.
They can’t all have had terrible upbringings so are men inherently bad? I don’t have any answers but it’s a risk when you have a child*

Are pretty much proving the OPs point what absolutely horrible comments. Especially the second.

Well said. I’ve posted on here before about how I shut down any comments about how I’d be disappointed with a second boy. PIL got the message. I went as far as hinting that anyone who expressed disappointment wouldn’t be seeing the baby. We didn’t know the sex in advance but I think I was sure he was a second boy. No problem for us, and if there had been any negative comments it would have been a problem for them. PIL had already openly said how disappointed they were to have a second boy - in front of DH’s brother! You’re right that it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If my DF made any comments about being disappointed that I wasn’t a boy, I wouldn’t see him very much.

But the way I see it it is a personal attack - they are making these comments to me knowing full well the sex of my children. They have known me for 20 years.
And to the other poster who ‘thanks her lucky stars’ she had 2 girls; why? I would like to know what people think boys are like.
I would never blame any of my children’s behaviour (good or bad) on their sex. I have not done anything different in my parenting because of their sex except slightly different clothes (and I do mean slightly because my eldest loves purple and glitter and unicorns)

I used to really want girls but currently in hospital recovering from surgery to remove my right tube due to ectopic pregnancy, so now I’m firmly in the “as long as they’re healthy camp”.

To reassure you, my MILs have always been included in my life and are often more included because my relationship with mum has been rocky at times. For all of my extended family, my aunts are all included in their sons lives too.

Also, worth noting that if you’re aristocracy all you want is boys, an heir and a spare, and everyone in many non-western counties only really want boys as well. So the girl craze is not a global phenomenon and when you look at it like that, perhaps it’s not so awful that girls are preferred in modern times in some parts of the world - balancing the books a bit as it were!

A friend of mine has the most gorgeous boy toddler and after meeting him I wanted a boy, and this medical experience has confirmed it x

I'm childfree by choice for a lot of reasons but one of them is that I felt I would have been disappointed to have boys. To me this indicated I shouldn't have children at all because it would be unfair on any boys I did have. Then we hosted a Ukranian family with a boy and a girl - both children were lovely but I found I preferred the boy (he was an animal lover, gentle, funny, and kind to his little sister)! So I know from first hand experience that these prejudices do exist but that they are unreasonable and a bit ridiculous.

I have 2 boys ,one girl and 5 grandsons and 2 granddaughters. I don't see one of my sons as much as I'd like but that's because we live hundreds of miles apart.
Guess who is/was the trouble makers, yes the girls. My daughter was not a stereotypical girl, still not into clothes and makeup so she's much happier with three boys.

Well I have managed to raise two boys who don’t go around hitting people or behaving unpleasantly. The worst I can say about them is I’d like their rooms to be tidier.

I’ve dealt with some very unpleasant behaviour by female students over the years. Not violent, but still very unpleasant towards others. Maybe female unpleasantness is less visible - but it’s still there

OP, the only thing you’ve done wrong is not push back on these comments when they’ve been made in front of your boys. Please do that. Even if you just say politely that you love having boys - go ahead and say it.

@Numberttwotwo They won’t have thought that much about it.

I was very happy I had two girls. It’s about being into the same things, and being able to dress in lots of pink, pretty things. It’s about dance and princesses and cute things.

Yes, yes, yes. Lots of people follow the spiel that boys can like X too and do Y too.

But no, in the world we live in boys are generally ostracised for liking those things, and it would be inappropriate of me and wholly unfair to put them in a situation they would be negatively affected by just because I liked it.

I don't know anyone who has hate for boys, only perhaps the perception that they are 'boisterous' and harder work but ime girls seem more high maintenance (even the very little ones!). Also the assumption that females want a 'mini me'.