To ask why the hate for boys?

[Numberttwotwo]

I know this has probably been discussed before. But I seem to come across something every day that makes me feel less worthy, someone to pity and just a bit shit.
I have 2 boys. They are kind, gentle, loving and the best of friends.
So why are my friends (really ‘good’ very longstanding friends) and strangers making comments that make me feel like this. Granted they’re comments about ‘boys’ and not MY boys.
I’ve been told (by a friend with one of each) that mums of boys won’t matter when they’re married and sons will be closer to the in laws.
I was told by a friend’s husband they HAD to find out the sex at 20 weeks because they’d have been soooo disappointed if it was a boy. (In front of my boys)
I was told yesterday (also in front of them) that my friend had been put off EVER having a boy by the behaviour of her nephew.
And this is not including all mentions of trying for a girl whenever we talk about possibly having a third.
I wish I had better ways of responding in the moment but for some reason I always bite my tongue.

YABU - boys are the worst and I pity anyone with more than one.
YANBU - the world should just parent their children and stop with the stupid comments based on nothing more than genitals

Rant over.

It’s madness 🤦🏻‍♀️ I had a boy already, was pregnant with my second baby and was out for lunch with a group of friends. One of them has a girl and one has a boy. The one with a girl didn’t find out the gender but said she would have been soooo disappointed if it hadn’t been a girl. It just sounded so spoilt and was such a thoughtless thing to say when two of us have boys! I think the fact she hadn’t found out the gender seemed to make it worse, like she was just assuming it was a girl and wouldn’t be told otherwise, then it was.

When I was pregnant first time another friend who was also pregnant said she was hoping hers was a girl and her best friend joined in saying how much she wanted it to be a girl. Everyone already knew I was having a boy so I felt like I was sitting there with a second place prize or something, just feeling a bit deflated that no one seemed interested in a boy. I constantly had to shake off comments like that!

Another friend is now pregnant and said she initially didn’t want a boy but when she saw mine she went home last time and thought she wouldn’t mind it. I partly thought it was kind of sweet that she obviously likes my son but at the same time I thought it was a bit of a back handed compliment, like I have the worst thing in the world but it’s actually okay 🙈

I think any of these brief thoughts are fine to have in your head, as are thoughts about preferring a boy, but I just can’t grasp why anyone would say any of that out loud!

My second turned out to be a girl and I can honestly say I have actually found this time round to be a bit underwhelming. I think it’s probably just the second baby thing but I used to look at the girls clothes section when shopping for my son and thought they just looked so lovely but when it’s came to it they’re actually very often tacky looking and the boys clothes nowadays are so much nicer. He is now the loveliest little boy, so cuddly and always saying he loves me 🥹 I wouldn’t change him for the world. It’s just a shame that everyone’s comments can make people with boys feel a bit deflated at times

I have two DDs and am due a DS in April. He is as loved and wanted as my DDs. I never really had a preference before finding out with each child but I was convinced with DD2 that she was boy so much that I was really confused and a bit ‘off’ when I found out she was a girl. It wasn’t disappointment though. People assumed we were trying for a boy this time though. We weren’t actually trying at all and he is a happy surprise.

I agree that there is a lot of concern around men. I work with abusive men to try and help them change that behaviour so I know what they’re capable of and what their views are. However, I’m also married to the best man so I know they’re not all the same. He is kind, considerate, treats everyone with respect and more than pulls his weight with parenting and housework. I am confident that he will help me to raise our boy with the same expectations and values. As will my dad as he has the same values. FIL is a little more old fashioned but generally treats MIL like a queen and has an amazing work ethic both at home and in his job.

OP, I’m sorry you have rubbish friends.

Yes. Treat them as dolls, because we live in a patriarchy.

It’s weird. Neither sex does well out of it

I don't hear this kind of thing about boys, but I do fear that my two will drift away from me when they're adults. I see it so much with men not making much effort with their mums. Makes me a bit sad, but I'll just do my best and if I end up as a MIL, be the best MIL I can be.

Because not all boys are "gentle and kind". I don't have a hate for boys, but my girls are far, far easier for me. The constant roughness, needing to wrestle and fight physically, the loudness, the farting, urgh. I love my son and his friends are lovely, but I couldn never stand even as a kid how the boys were like. There are some lovely gentle boys, but most of the ones I know personally just love all the physical aggressiveness, shoving, pushing, loud farting, they're nice kids but just very typically male.

The comment from my friend about the in laws doesn’t worry me as such, we have no control over our children as adults and my relationship with my parents fluctuates. It was more how it was said in discussion and, like a PP said, felt like a dig because she has the ‘gold standard’ one of each.
I think I’m realising more and more that my annoyance is coming from myself not saying anything in the moment to defend my children!

Do you have to be unpleasant about girls in order to defend your son?

Granted, I don’t know many boys who are into My Little Pony (though I am sure there are some). But mean behavior and faddy eating are found in both sexes. My friends who have boys are just as likely as the parents of girls to complain about their kids wanting expensive labels and brands.

I had a preference for a girl and I have one of each, girl first. I would have been happy with two girls but so glad I have one of each now. DD has been the easier child so far but I do love my DS equally. He’s so funny and loving.

I look at my DH and his brothers and it is very apparent that they have a more distant relationship with their parents, than I and my SIL have with our parents

My DH & male cousin are much closer to their mums then I am to mine.

I have 2DS. I would like with every fibre of my being, to have a closer relationship with my 2DS than DH has with his parent (his DM died a few years ago).

It would be good if your DH could model it maybe?

I have both. My boy is my absolute world (as are my girls) he is 17 and we have the best relationship. However, there is a culture of mutual respect in our home. The amount of (mostly mothers I’m afraid to say) who allow their boys to contribute less to household chores than their sisters, allow their sons to call them names and hit them without serious consequences and then unleash them into the world when they can no longer handle them at home is a tragedy. Boys are also are more likely than girls to have a shitty same sex role model due to the disproportionate amount of men that bugger off and leave the bulk of parenting to women.

So as someone upthread said, women grow fearful of men and their behaviour generally and that gets passed on to general fear of having a boy.

A lot of women want a daughter. People want what they want. It's not that deep.

But on MN, boys are wonderful and cuddly and love their mums, and girls are horrid and bitchy and dramatic. Apparently.

Since the world has been so skewed against girls since time began, I personally welcome the shift to favouring daughters.

I'm also absolutely dreading, DREADING, when my ds finds out about sex. I hated it wtih how utterly obsessed the boys were in my school with it, I dread him becoming the same. It seems to just ruin so many young men when they find out about sex and porn and things, my own dh admitted when he was a boy all he could think about were boobs and sex etc. I just don't get it.

Numberttwotwo 'most' men. And that's if his statement is to be believed.

NC. And I don’t care.

83,128 men in prison in the UK. 3,259 women.

69% of school suspensions are boys

79% of driving offences are committed by men

Do I need to go on? Think of any type of behaviour that typically impacts on those around them and it’ll be most likely done by a man.

OK, your average child isn’t going to be going to prison or expelled. But inconsiderate, selfish behaviour is a mostly male trait.

They take up space on public transport - ‘manspreading.’

They are selfish around the home

I know this is all very reductive. I know NAMALT. My own husband isn’t. But … is it any wonder we aren’t delighted to be carrying a boy?

A lot of women say they don’t care until they have a girl and admit they had a preference all along, even if subconsciously.

It was more how it was said in discussion and, like a PP said, felt like a dig because she has the ‘gold standard’ one of each.

I only learned that this was the gold standard recently. I only have sisters & think it’s fantastic to have a same sex sibling but I guess I don’t know any different.

' It’s about being into the same things, and being able to dress in lots of pink, pretty things. It’s about dance and princesses and cute things.'

If this is what it's about, my sil must be very disappointed. She has two blond daughters, and now I think about it, she did dress them as fairies and princesses when they were tiny.

She ended up with two determined science-obsessed bookworms, both went to Cambridge, one now a junior doctor and the other a data analyst for a large IT company. Neither is into dance or pink.

Thank goodness I didn't have a 'pretty pink thing'. We'd have had nothing in common and if the apex of their thinking was how they looked I'd have been terribly disappointed.

I have 2 boys and they are fab. Very error boisterous though! No one has ever said anything nasty to me.

YANBU it is rude and ignorant and it might help to have some ready pre prepared come backs for this sort of nonsense.

And yes. I know it reflects badly on me but I do feel a bit sorry for families with only boys, I will add to that though I know one friend with two boys who are so delightful that I don’t.

When I was pregnant honestly I would have been happy no matter what I had but people did express that they hoped I had a girl. People feel they are entitled to express all sorts of opinions to you when you are pregnant. People where very open about their hate for the girls name I'd picked, people asked if I would breastfeed , was I going to co sleep , use re usable nappies.
It's insane how intrusive people become when you are pregnant. I was baffled , I'd never feel comfortable asking anyone these kind of questions

Yeah it's weird and annoying. Steeped in sexism.
And what also pisses me off is when people say things like 'aw you've got a mini me' when they see my daughter. She is nothing like me. Has the energy and fearlessness of her dad. While DS is cautious and calmer like me.

As PP said, this is a mostly female site. On a mostly male site, I’m sure there is much more enthusiasm about having boys. As I understand, divorce rates are slightly higher for families which have only daughters, which does suggest that men may feel a little closer to the family as a whole on average where there is a son. I say this as a mother of two girls.

This is exactly the attitude the Op is talking about and proof this is aimed towards girls as much as boys. It’s not any better aiming it at girls but not boys.

I have an adult dd. Who does martial arts like her brother and me. The only person who doesn’t do it is their dad. She has Never painted her own nails, buys her clothes at charity shops in her own style. Was never into ponies or selfies or social media that much.

On the other hand, my son Play’s rugby and there’s a couple of boys that are really into social media, certain labels, expensive men’s perfume and so on.

Neither is she a faddy eater? What do you even mean by that? Why do you assume girls would be faddy eaters in general? Both mine went through a phase of it as a toddler. One boy one girl.

Your son isn’t that way because he is a boy. It’s because it’s who he is and in part how you brought him up

If it makes you feel any better my parents are from a part of the world that prizes boys over girls. When they found out I was having a much wanted DD after fertility treatment they said 'what a shame. Hopefully the next one will be a boy.' 😠

I had this when I was pregnant with my third, but because I already had two girls. So many people telling me how much I must want a boy.
One particular time, a woman in the park sidled to where I was pushing my DDs on the swings and completely out of the blue said, ‘I bet you’re really hoping for a boy this time, or your husband must be’. I told her that, no, and it wouldn’t do us any good because it was another girl. She looked at me full of pity and said, ‘I’m so sorry, you must be so disappointed, your poor husband’!!
Honestly, people are nuts.
i went home and told DH and his response was, ‘What the hell! I have two perfect, gorgeous girls, why would I not want another one?)
My friend had two boys and waited a while before having a third pregnancy. She wanted a girl that time, but she sadly had a miscarriage. After that she worked through her feelings about why she felt she wanted a girl before getting pregnant again with her third son. They’re all grown up now and her ‘boys’ are wonderful human beings (as are my ‘girls’) and her relationship with all of them is lovely to see.
Just enjoy your children for who they are - the time is gone in an instant.