DH doing everything for DSS, is this normal?

[Hop27]

DSS is 16 and living with us, we've been off work for 2 weeks and I didn't realise how much DH actually does for him (normally I work long long days) and it's driving me round the bend!!
DSS has a job, accepted any / all shifts and expects DH to drop him off and pick him up, leaving us constrained to what we can do during the days & evening.
On the days he's not working he expects DH to drop him off and pick him up to see friends.
DH does all his laundry, checks his uniform is clean for work.
Makes him all his meals.
DH is out tonight, his parting shot tonight was let DSS know when dinner is ready. We are just having rotisserie chicken and pre-made salads, AIBU to think DSS can help himself when he's hungry and that DH is doing WAY too much for a 16 year old, or is this standard for a teen?

It's not standard, but if that's what your DH does, then of course DSS will let him. Is he otherwise a good kid? It sounds like he has a reasonable work ethic at least.

Wow at that age I had no choice but to get myself everywhere, get myself up on time etc. I mean as long as the kid isn't entitled about it and your dh is happy with it I guess it's ok, but personally I won't be doing that for mine even though I can because they need to learn at some point how to look after themselves!

Everyone parents differently. Sounds like your DH is a very caring and supportive Dad. And that SS only knows that way of life.
I don't see a problem really.
Maybe time to change the dynamic a little if it's bothering you. Get SS to cook supper once a week to start, do his own laundry. Baby steps.

Does DH expect him to ever live independently and be able to feed himself and wash his own clothes? If so it’s getting on a bit to show him how to do that stuff, so barring exceptional circumstances it looks like pretty bad parenting as he’s not preparing him for adult life.

Can’t blame DSS for accepting it, who would, but DH is doing him a disservice.

Is there public transport where you live? If DH is ill or out are you expected to skivvy and taxi in his place?

I do most of this for my DD (15) though still at school not work. To be honest my mum did for me at that age so I guess it’s all I know.

No, it’s not caring and supportive to fail to equip a child with the skills they need to care for their basic needs. It’s bordering on neglect.

What’s the public transport situation where you live for DSS getting to work and friends? If it’s unreliable or inconvenient, then it’s not unreasonable for DH to provide the lifts (sadly).

I do most of this for my dd, however, she has an eating disorder so if I didn’t feed her she wouldn’t eat.

DSS doesn't drive so its not unusual to drive kids at that age. Good on him for having a job.

Do you mean DSS should do his own laundry? That is odd. My DCs laundry are part of the family laundry basket. I wouldn't expect them to do a separate wash. Also, do you not eat as a family? I don't expect my 16 year old to cook for themselves.
He sounds like a loving and supporting dad.

At what age did your DC start separating and doing their own laundry?

Does he ask him if he has wiped properly and washed his hands also? Send dss a text when the chicken is cooked. He can plate up his own..

I probably did as much for my DS
when he was 16, but in school.
He is completely independent now.
Maybe DH feels he missed out on full time parenting and wants to make up for it?

Agree with all this. Suddenly feel as I’ve been missing something 😂. Do most 16 year olds do their own laundry/ separate meals?

I do alot of that for Dd (15). Except the lifts because we live in London - do you live somewhere without good public transport, necessitating lifts? I think it the adults choose to live somewhere like that they need to be responsible for lifts tbh. is your DH going to get him driving lessons?

I think it would be odd not to include a teenager in all meals or expect them to fend for themselves, when everyone else, including the second adult, is included. However obviously teens need to learn to cook so as to cope when they leave home. Can you both give DSS some cooking lessons? Then add him cooking one meal a week to whatever arrangements you have?

My dd can cook if needs be but we mostly have family meals. She is responsible for certain chores like clearing the dishwasher, which I hate.

Washing - he should be able to do his own even if not all every time. I quite like to get everyone’s washing on together even though Dd is quite capable of doing her own and does sometimes.

Edit - I also have one younger child, aged 9, for context.

Yes I never understood the separate laundry thing?
No hardship gathering up everyone's dirty clothes and chucking it all in the machine?

Err this. It’s not setting them up for being an adult. Their future partner / house mates won’t be appreciative of it

We did all that for our eldest when he was 16. The lifts to and from work I'm not sure about...it depends how far away it is/his hours/public transport etc. I never ferried mine around...he cycled or got the bus.
But cooking and washing, yes. Still doing it for ds2, currently 16 and dd 14. They both do jobs to help out in other areas though.

It’s quite normal for a parent to do washing, cooking, etc for children, and full marks to dh rather then expecting you to do it.

However, regarding lifts, then that’s a two-way process. For Dss’s regular shifts, asking for lifts isn’t so bad. However, extra shifts, lifts to friends etc should be asked first, and not expect you to be at his beck and call.

Similarly, if the meal is ready, don’t see any problem in letting him know.

Out of interest, who calls the shots. Does dh cook a meal when dss demands it? Etc. Coukdn’t you just leave z pizza out hit him to cook ?

full marks to dh rather then expecting you to do it
😂😂😂

It depends how easy it is for ds to get to work and how far away it is. If I had the time I might take him to work but expect him to get back, but busses where I live are awful. It’s really hard for teens to get work so I would be happy to encourage and enable this to a certain extent. Would not be taking him / picking up to meet friends though, not in a million years.
I wouldn’t want a 16 yr old to do the washing tbh, I live with my adult son and I wash when there’s enough from us both to fill a machine. He’ll hang it out etc if he’s home.
He doesn’t cook much because I’m better - he cleans up the kitchen and has been responsible for this since he was quite early teens.
Your DH obviously does a lot more for his child than most fathers ( at least on Mumsnet!) which is great, but he could probably enable his independence a fair bit more.

His a 16 year old family member not a random in your spare room. His working presumed to get on good with his dad. Guessing you have poor transport links. Washing gets done together and shouted down for dinner like a normal family.

I have 17 and 16 yr old DC. DH and I often drive them places, to work, sport etc but if we can’t they get public transport. My brother always drives his 16 & 19yos to their PT jobs and picks them up. It’s what parents do.

I also do the washing for the entire family. If I’m making a meal I would offer food for everyone who is at home, so would DH.

I think what you’re describing is just normal parenting.

The lifts situation depends entirely on your location.
He's not old enough to drive yet or have any choice in where a house was purchased. If he could get a job that he could walk to or get public transport to its a different situation to if he has to get a job only accessible by car.

Food. He does too much imo. My dds make their own meals for about 70% of the time and have done since about 10yo. Breakfast/lunch/any meal just from the fridge like your meal tonight/about 10% of own dinners is on them. About 4 times a week when I have time, I'll make a proper dinner for us all. I taught them how to cook in lock down when they were 10 & 8, so they know about nutrition and can cook basic meals making sure they cover protein/veg/carb. I batch bolognaise which is always in the freezer for them to just add pasta to.

Laundry. I expect I'll still be doing my kid's laundry at 16.

Exactly.

This 100%

I do all of that for my 16 year old.
laundry gets washed with everyone else’s, we all sit down to eat the same food at the same time. (Tea time only, it’s every man for himself for breakfast & lunch).

i take her to work & collect her, even though she could get the bus. I don’t want her coming home alone on the bus at 10pm.

She still has plenty of independence & can do things alone if necessary (she gets the bus to & from college every day, makes her own way to work if I can’t take her, & lots more besides).