DH doing everything for DSS, is this normal?

[Hop27]

DSS is 16 and living with us, we've been off work for 2 weeks and I didn't realise how much DH actually does for him (normally I work long long days) and it's driving me round the bend!!
DSS has a job, accepted any / all shifts and expects DH to drop him off and pick him up, leaving us constrained to what we can do during the days & evening.
On the days he's not working he expects DH to drop him off and pick him up to see friends.
DH does all his laundry, checks his uniform is clean for work.
Makes him all his meals.
DH is out tonight, his parting shot tonight was let DSS know when dinner is ready. We are just having rotisserie chicken and pre-made salads, AIBU to think DSS can help himself when he's hungry and that DH is doing WAY too much for a 16 year old, or is this standard for a teen?

A child taking advantage of his dad for lifts?

I think this thread has gone a bit crazy! Parents ferry children around loads - have you ever seen the mum’s taxi and dad’s taxi stickers?

why do some people on mumsnet not like it when parents do things for children over 14? There is a strange ‘send them down the mines and kick them out’ mentality.

@Mirabai I've already asked the OP what the journey to work would look like for him on public transport... for all we know, he might have to get 2 busses and a 30min to get to work, we don't know.

He could be finishing work late in a dodgy area, we don't know.

If my son has shown the initiative to go out and get a job (not to mind the strength this kid has shown in supporting his mother financially and emotionally and deal with the trauma that comes with watching your alcoholic mother have a breakdown) then I would absolutely go out of my way at every possible opportunity to make sure his journey to work was as easy and safe as possible by giving him lifts at every single opportunity I could.

Oh, I didn't even know the history of this boy! More power to him and I hope he gets to stay with his DH FOREVER for some love and attention (exactly what he needs right now)

OP @Hop27 If you are still reading this, you are WELCOME to pack your bags and GO! Or if DH is living with you, please ask him to go with his brave and wonderful son. You don't deserve this DH.

And this is simply not the case @Mirabai "Once you start taking care of yourself as a teen you generally do it everywhere. It would be unusual to do stuff in one house and nothing in another, if he can do all of it it would be odd to let his dad do all of it for him nonetheless"

My son lives with his dad, his gf and her two children some of the time. He changes nappies, he does dishes, he cleans cat litter and has a whole host of other chores. While he has chores here, I don't make him work that hard in my house, so he doesn't. He enjoys coming to my house because its quiet, relaxed, I take care of him and just generally love on him an awful lot more and he shows his appreciation with the love I get back.

Can my son do more than he does? Yes. Do I want my son to do more than he does? No. I love my child dearly and want him to be a child, he'll be a long time slogging away as an adult, and I'll be a long time missing him under my roof in just a few short years.

I would imagine the OP doesn't exactly make him feel comfortable in his dad's house

Besides it's perfectly normal for children from split households to do things one way in one house and a different way in the other house, I'm not sure why you think it wouldn't be

@Bellyblueboy Sorry, perhaps phrased wrongly. What I meant that if dss wants a lift to his mates, then to mention it in advance, rather than springing it on his dad last minute. Or if he’s doing extra shifts, then check that dh/op haven’t got other plans before agreeing to the overtime. I didn’t mean no lifts at all.

(As stated quite near the beginning if this thread, I’m team dh and think it’s great he’s supporting and helping his son).

He’s 16 - he either has to be in education or work and he’s chosen the latter like many other school leavers.

It’s not just about leaving work - it’s going to it and seeing his friends as well. He expects lifts to all of it which is unusual for a 16 year old.

I just do not see the logic of has a job and a difficult mother ergo can’t get on a bus.

Mothers turning emotional neediness into doing everything for their child is quite a common pattern.

How harsh. It's not creating dependency. They're only teens living at home for a precious few years. Kids soon pick up life skills when they go to university or move into a flat share. Men who can drive and set up a lap top and use power tools will manage a washing machine.

Don't most teens get meals and laundry done for them? My mum did and made our beds etc. no lifts but public transport was better back then.

@Mirabai the child is still in school. He's in school AND working.

And I'm not in the least bit emotionally needy 😂 My life is pretty full and happy, feel free to do some snooping on my own past threads if you wish.

I really hope you don't have children because you're deeply unpleasant

OP says nothing about school only work, so it’s a logical inference. But if he’s at school too, I still don’t see why that means he can’t get on a bus.

I have zero interest in you or your past threads.

Child is going to school
Child is working
Child has been helping to financially support his mother at the tender age of 16
Mother is an alcoholic
Mother has had a breakdown
Child has witnessed said breakdown
Child has been removed from his primary home
Child continues to work

Should I give this child a helping hand, show him some extra little bit of love and give him lifts wherever possible?

@Mirabai: Nah, fuck him... he can get the bus.

Yes parenting is either love and support or cold hearted bus enforcement.

This is exactly what you're suggesting, that even after everything he's been and is goi g through and all the effort he's making... he can just get the bus.

I'm actually not going to engage with you anymore, you're posts are cold, unkind and I feel sorry for those around you who might ever look to you for support, let alone a be a child looking for support.

Best of luck to all those who know you

I’m not sure how it works in the UK but in Australia a learner driver has to spend at least a year doing 120 hours of supervised driving with a licensed driver before they can do their driving test. So even if your kids are very independent on public transport, as mine are, once they turn 16 suddenly you are going everywhere with them in the car to get their hours up. Yes it’s a big commitment of time but again, part of parenting.

@InAPickle12345 😂

But if he’s at school too, I still don’t see why that means he can’t get on a bus

Because his biological parent doesn't want him to

Job done

Re: the doing their own washing - there are few things more annoying than stripping the beds or whatever and bringing the sheets downstairs to put in washing machine to find someone else's washing in there already! I would far rather be in control of what goes in when even if that means I end up doing it all. Also it is far more economical to combine clothes washing for the whole household that have several people doing multiple smaller loads. Grown children somehow both managed to figure out how to work a washing machine etc after they moved out as did I a generation before and my DF when DM became unwell. It really isn't difficult.

Dad parenting 16 year old is pathetic.
Dad not parenting 16 year old is dead beat.
I hope your parenting is perfect because you sound pathetic.

Brilliant that your step son has a job and seems to be working hard as a responsible person . Is he also a student? If so, he’s got his work cut out and his dad is supporting him?

regarding transport, it seems like a normal parenting thing to drop and pick up their teen, especially if public transport is not great where you are? If there is a tube link, that would be quick and easy, but otherwise, it can be a lot of standing around for busses in the height of winter?

on the subject of making meals and doing laundry, I think that 16 year olds should help out when they can…help to chop veg or clean up…load or unload the washing machine, but why wouldn’t he be cooked for, as he’s a family member? He’s not a lodger, who would be expected to make his own meals?

Had dss been living with you guys for long?

We have a 16 year old and a 19 year old, they both cook their own meals because some of us are vegetarian. We do meals for them if we are all having the same thing. We do laundry for them both but they know how to use the washer and the 19 year old will ask have we any washing to so before putting the washer on. Life skills need to be taught, how to cook, clean and get public transport. We do give lifts if needed. Every parent does things differently.