DH doing everything for DSS, is this normal?

[Hop27]

DSS is 16 and living with us, we've been off work for 2 weeks and I didn't realise how much DH actually does for him (normally I work long long days) and it's driving me round the bend!!
DSS has a job, accepted any / all shifts and expects DH to drop him off and pick him up, leaving us constrained to what we can do during the days & evening.
On the days he's not working he expects DH to drop him off and pick him up to see friends.
DH does all his laundry, checks his uniform is clean for work.
Makes him all his meals.
DH is out tonight, his parting shot tonight was let DSS know when dinner is ready. We are just having rotisserie chicken and pre-made salads, AIBU to think DSS can help himself when he's hungry and that DH is doing WAY too much for a 16 year old, or is this standard for a teen?

I’ll tell you what’s NOT normal- lacking the basic decency and manners to let your family know that their dinner is ready. Do you do the same if you have guests? Instead of giving them a heads up ‘your teas done’, if they’re 16 or over you play mind games instead because they should ‘know better’? I wonder if there’s a reason your dp goes out of his way to make sure his son has some kindness in your home?

I think YABU.

My 16 year olds knew how to use washing machine if they had to, but for the most part I would throw all our clothes in together. I don’t know anyone who separates it all out to the extent you describe and it must be a waste of resources surely?

If you eat together, just ask DSS if he can do one meal a week for you all? Or at least assist with clearing up. Lunches and breakfast he should be fending for himself but if I am around, I would ask DC if they want something.

If DH is happy to give DSS lifts that’s his choice. Take it up with him if there’s a specific clash that affects your plans and suggest he ensures DSS is familiar with local public transport options.

DSS hasn’t lived with you long, and it seems like DH is keen to make him feel welcome. You, not so much.

Do you have your own children OP? You sound quite resentful of the time your DH is putting into his relationship with his son.

I did most of that stuff when my daughters were teens. I drove them around because we live rurally and buses are only once every couple of hours if at all. I expected them to put laundry in the correct laundry bin and put dishes in the dishwasher, they grabbed their own breakfast and lunch and we ate together in the evenings. They kept their rooms tidy, did school work and had holiday jobs. I can’t really see what OP has to complain about.

I have and would do all of that for my 16yo's, although I have always expected the DC to make their own way around by bus if possible.

The eldest is off to uni this year and he can cook and look after himself if needs be.

I like looking after them while they are still at home.

Just admit that you don't like him. You make that clear in the several threads you have started about him.

But the OP says herself she's only noticed because she's been off two weeks

So normally it doesn't impact her life

And quite frankly her long working days probably impact her DHs ability to plan things in the evening with her. So he's probably fallen into the habit of agreeing to lifts for his sons work without considering the OP because she isn't around. And then all of a sudden she's off two weeks and everything needs to change to suit her?

When she's back in work and she's out working her long hours is the DH then expected to sit a home alone waiting for his DS to arrive back on the bus?

This is normal family life I'm afraid

And everyone has public transport but some is rubbish and runs once a day, hour or week in a rural setting not every 10 mins which it does where I live in a city

Sorry I missed this post.

Yes I'm afraid it's all very normal for teens to be messy, lazy and have to be asked to do something repeatedly. That's how it appears to us anyway. In reality they're simply caught up in their own world which at present, does not prioritise household tasks or walking the dog. There's plenty going on in there but it doesn't currently align with your agenda. That comes with guidance from us and time for them.

If he's not been with you for very long, I suggest you need a talk about expectations. DSS won't magically work out what he's expected to do without some guidance.

Maybe DH drives him around as an excuse to get out and away of the house

You can’t complain that someone’s opinion is ‘simplistic’ and then completely make up an issue that the op hasn’t mentioned, and isn’t even true

I don't really get how your laundry 'system' works - if you don't have a laundry basket do you all just hold on to your individual (dirty) clothes until you have a full load then do your own washing?

The fact that your DH had to ask you to tell DSS when dinner is ready suggests you wouldn't normally do so. Surely a "dinner will be ready in 10 minutes" shout out is pretty normal? Do you mean you would make dinner and not mention it to DSS? If so, this sounds a little unkind and unnecessary.

This is a fair point

Your dh sounds a great dad. Let him be

and why wouldn’t you call him down fora meal, dont be so mean

What 16 year old cooks their own meals and does their own laundry?? This all sounds very normal parenting for a 16 year old.

I think he sounds great, 😂

You sound really put out/ bitter. You should concentrate on minding your own business. He is a being a great dad from what I have read

It’s normal to take your child to a job when they are too young to drive and public transport isn’t good. Where we are, it can be 2 1/2hrs by bus to go a twenty minute drive. I think it is expected that parents would take their child to school/work and there is nothing wrong with your DSS expectation of it. It’s not really a ‘lift’ like doing him a favour, it’s a parent’s job to do this. If you live in London or somewhere with really good public transport then that is different. But teen DC would usually prefer that to Dad if it were available.

It’s also normal to feed your kids at family meals and to do everyone’s laundry mixed together. I wouldn’t want laundry done separate because that’s less efficient and costs more. Plus the faff of wanting to do my washing but a teen DC has decided to wash an entire floor of clothing, plus their sheets. It’s simpler to have a family laundry basket and just stay on top of it.

None of this means they grow up with no skills and no independence. They can still learn how to do these tasks without having to do them constantly while living at home. It’s not like we forget how to cook or wash up when we go on an all inclusive holiday.

If you think DSS16 should have a family chore then I think that is fair, he’s only been with you for two months so he can’t just insert himself into the routine you already have set up. Have a chat with his dad about potentially DSS16 taking over washing dished. As for your dog, it’s not his dog, why should he walk it or care for it?

It sounds pretty normal to me. I think, at that age, they are capable of folding and putting their own clothes away and other family inclusive chores, but the rest seems okay. Hopefully the DSS isn't demanding a ride to friend's houses but asking politely.

I think it's great that he works to earn some money. Many teens don't bother.

Yes I do similar for my 16 year old. He can do all the tasks you mention but we typically do lifts etc.

I would always invite whoever is in to a meal, it's just good manners. Yes they are 16 but once they can do the necessary life tasks then I take that as a win.

Ok your update helps a bit.

I think it sounds like all the communications aren’t great.

Breakfast and lunch - I agree a 16 yo ought to be able to get their own, esp if they’re out during everyone else’s lunch, or be able to warm up what is put aside form them. But called down for any family meals if there.

Drives me a bit mad when my 9 yo won’t get own breakfast if he’s down first tbh!

Laundry - I agree with PPs trying to avoid half loads going on.

I think there’s something in lifts being discussed if they’re going to cut across your day/ evening - so a bit of a communications issue - “these are the shifts I’ve been offered, do any of them cause you a problem?” Sort of thing.

Then with chores, teenagers do need to be asked/ told about the expectations. So if everyone who is present is expected to help clear up, let the teenagers know this. If you expect him to have certain chores, discuss with your DH and then together with him.

You don't need a family laundry basket. Just some basic manners will suffice.

You know "Hey, DSS, I'm about to put a dark load in. Have you got anything that needs washing?"

He'll learn from the example set by the adults. Which will either be

• Every man/woman for themselves. It's a dog-eat-dog world and we don't do favours for each other.
• Or, we all help each other out and do nice things for each other.

I prefer the second option. You seem to prefer the first.

Some of it is her business. If they can never go out for a meal or show or whatever because DH always has to take his son to work then it affects OP.

There needs to be some compromise.

How can you not be bothered to tell DSS that dinner is ready and on the table

I can't see this relationship lasting much longer