DH doing everything for DSS, is this normal?

[Hop27]

DSS is 16 and living with us, we've been off work for 2 weeks and I didn't realise how much DH actually does for him (normally I work long long days) and it's driving me round the bend!!
DSS has a job, accepted any / all shifts and expects DH to drop him off and pick him up, leaving us constrained to what we can do during the days & evening.
On the days he's not working he expects DH to drop him off and pick him up to see friends.
DH does all his laundry, checks his uniform is clean for work.
Makes him all his meals.
DH is out tonight, his parting shot tonight was let DSS know when dinner is ready. We are just having rotisserie chicken and pre-made salads, AIBU to think DSS can help himself when he's hungry and that DH is doing WAY too much for a 16 year old, or is this standard for a teen?

Also I don’t think you’ve said what age the other children in the house are.

Putting washing away - this is something I’m also trying to get my 9 yo to do!

Sounds as though he's just being a normal father.
Why are you so put out by it, it's good that he's working, some 16 yr olds are drinking, taking drugs and involved with police.

Oh dear. I checked out OP and this poor boy has really had an awful time of it.

You should be supporting DH to provide him with a safe and secure, loving home after everything he has been through whilst living with his mother (chaotic/MH issues/poverty)

I am usually the first to support step mothers on here, having had several, been one, and now my own DC have one. You however are veering into dodgy territory OP.

Try to show him some kindness eh?

He’s not cooking though, he’s just grabbing some ready made chicken and salad. 16 is old enough to do that.

Saw your other threads. You’ve been with this man for 16 years, the length of the child’s life. You must know how he parents by now. You wanted to leave him last year, do you think the marriage is over?

Your DSS is only 16 and he can't drive. I think it's reasonable for your husband to want to assist him in his first job, make sure he is safe and has a healthy diet. Over the next couple of years I would hope and expect that DH teaches all the domestic skills he uses caring for his son, to his son.
Then DSS will be well equipped to live a safe and caring adult life.

DH obviously sits down and eats the evening meal with his child. I don't agree that DSS should help himself and eat alone whenever.
You should call him when dinner is ready and be prepared to sit at the table and share conversation. It matters not whether he serves his own.
I respect the way your husband is supporting his teenage son.

We have public transport, I think it's more the expectation that DH or I will run him to and from work, without checking first.
I will give DS (18) lifts to/from work if it's particularly early or pouring with rain but otherwise he Limebikes or buses/walks it same since he was 16 and working. I will sometimes offer to be nice for no reason but I wouldn't be happy if he just assumed.

We usually eat together as a family, in the evening, but DSS hasn't once offered to help and doesn't clean up after.
Few teenagers will "offer", there is an expectation here that everyone helps clean up - it is an ongoing battle but still expect all functioning adults to help look after themselves and I've had a few conversations with DS that he needs to help more - it is a bit spotty though.

The meals I'm meaning is breakfast when he gets up, or lunch when he comes in DH will either buy him something or make him something (if we've already eaten)
DS absolutely sorts out his own breakfast and lunch. He's not a baby though will sometimes ask me to buy him a mealdeal for lunch if I'm at a supermarket.

We don't have a family laundry basket, DH does his washing when he needs something, like his uniform he never does it of his own accord, hangs it out of takes it in.
We don't have a family laundry basket either - only two of us. DS has been doing his own washing since he was 10 - it's a mixed blessing though as he very often hogs the washing machine as he washing everything constantly (it feels like that anyway) and has "favorites".

He's been with us over 2 months and has walked Ddog once, and that's because I asked him and he didn't do it while we were out he had to be asked again.
Surely that's not normal?
Oh that's completely normal! 😁
DS adores our dog and will occasionally be inveigled into waling with me but otherwise very unreliable.

Talk to your DH and agree to move the goalposts slightly and slowly - that's how he's been brought up, it not fair to expect things to be totally different immediately.

So for example - "DS you are old enough to sort out your own breakfast and lunch now. Let me know if there's anything you want specifically from supermarket, otherwise I'll make sure there is bread milk ham cereal (whatever)" and try that for a few weeks. It sounds condescending but lots of positive praise when he does anything over what he's doing now.

I'd very much phrase it as "now you are a yound adult you need to start helping to look after yourself not just being treated like a child".

Hes still a child at 16. I did the same at that age of course They are capable of doing things for themselves but its a complicated ages

Oh OP you are not a good person are you

I do/did a lot for my teens.

First of all, it's great that your DSS actually has a part-time job and is working as much as he can. I think it's fine for your DH to drop and collect, where he can. For the times that might be inconvenient, can your DSS easily walk to work or take public transport. The same when dropping/collecting to friends.

Your DSS should be encouraged to do his own laundry and probably would if he had to.

Making meals - well if your DH is cooking for himself, nothing wrong with preparing something for DSS at the same time to either eat when ready or reheat later. I'd want to know that he could also prepare quick meals and snacks himself.

I see nothing wrong with calling DSS when dinner is ready/you're having the meal yourself.

Your Ds should also be tidying his own room, helping around the house, tidying up after himself.

But because he doesn't, probably because he never had to, doesn't mean he's an awful person, or lazy or on the path to ruin,

I don't think it is too much to tell a 16 year old that it is dinner time!!! I certainly don't expect my children at home to just picky eat when they are hungry in the evenings.

Mine does at 18 and has since he was about 15 (10 for school uniform and sports kit)

If there is bus routes dss should be starting to use then purely to build up independence, problem solving ect

Wouldn't it be lovely to hear an SM say something positive about their step children instead of shit stirring because they find them such a massive inconvenience.

I mean....I think you're being a bit unreasonable here. 16 is only the very beginnings of adulthood, where teenagers still need a lot of support and are immature still in a number of ways, with huge emotions and learning curves that they need support with. There is so much going on in their development / emotional changes and social lives that they are contending with...They have just got the freedom of adulthood but often the skills needed to survive and be consistently organised takes a while to catch up I think.

When I had my first job my parents dropped me off and picked me up, but I made my own way to college 40 minutes away every day on the bus. I remember feeling very tired doing a manual part time job and going to college. I was grateful of the family unit behind me, making sure I had help. My Mum still did most of the laundry I think but I helped with putting it away / making sure it was in the basket. I think my parents decided what was cooked each day but I enjoyed cooking and helped out / made some of the meals myself, but family meals were the mainstay of life.

It is a big expectation to ask a 16 year old what you are asking, I feel. They need support to learn these things for themselves at this stage but not the expectation that its a day to day necessity for them. That will come in the next few years.

I don't think its at all unreasonable for you to tell a teenager that their dinner is ready.

You are just looking to find fault with everything he does

He can't do anything right can he really in your eyes OP

You are cold and unkind

I did that for my children when they were that age. Is he also in college?
I expected them to bring their laundry down but they were washed with the household laundry and we always ate together I wouldn't expect them to cook for themselves.
Lifts etc also very normal too.

What are the circumstances of his coming to live with you? It's only been a couple of months, it's likely the two of them are just finding their way in a changing relationship.

If it's due to some significant disagreement / trauma/ neglect with his mother then of course dh wants to do a lot for him - it's how he demonstrates he cares. Nothing wrong with that.

Talk to your dh about how dss can become an integral part of the household while developing some independence and recognising that he should start to help out.

He has friends and a job and as you don't mention otherwise I'm assuming he's a decent enough kid with no drug/alcohol/sleeping around problems - he sounds ok you know!

Oh is it one of those where there’s a huge backstory on other threads which we deliberately haven’t been told?

Anyway, it’s an important balance between getting teens ready for being adults but also making sure they feel loved by their family - the second being more important I think!

Is he working full time? Is he in college?

Telling him dinner is ready isn’t really a big deal.

Do you want him to get the bus more? Does he have a bus pass? I think if your DH is happy with how things are and you’re not expected to do anything then I’d let them get on with it.

I think at age 16 all that is fine. Maybe by 18 he could do more. My 16 year old likes to make their own food much of the time so when I make something, I ask them do they want it when it’s ready (usually yes) or if they prefer to get something later they can. I don’t like the kitchen messy in the evening so I am strict about them tidying up after.

I do the washing and putting clothes away although I just said to them they can start putting their clothes away.

As for lifts I give them but I never ever got a lift when I was a child/teenager and went everywhere on the bus, even in the evening on my own. My parents never seemed to worry about it!

I would point out if the lifts were starting to become a bit of a pain and encourage them to make some of the journeys.

I agree you don’t sound very kind and I think you could loosen up a bit and make the point about him helping more as he gets older but cut him a bit of slack now.

The lifts would annoy me. I don't understand why it's so difficult re the clothes washing though. Surely you can chuck them all in together? If your DH wants to do it all that's up to him. My mum did a lot for me while I was at home but I managed fine as soon as I moved out. It's not difficult to adapt.

I did all this for my children at that age and my parents did for me.
I can assure you my children are very independent and able adults now living independently and my son is a very good cook.
Caring for your children when they are teenagers doesn't mean they can't become independent adults.

he really isn't still a child. I agree late teens are complicated but you have to start the transition to being an adult in small increments at some point. What you start on varies depending on what they're like - DS likes his clothes clean and won't go out scruffy - even when he has school uniform so washing clothes was a good one to start him on young, as he likes the cntrol and knowing everything was washed and clean ready for school.

If they are a starving teen then getting them to sort out their own breakfast/lunch shouldn't be difficult.

But if as some people have implied that there is a complicated back story then it may be that this young man needs a bit more burturing for longer than the average teen. Baby steps would still be good for him IMVHO.

I would do all that for a 16 year old. But wouldn't be happy with extra shifts e.g. midnight pick up instead of 10. I'd talk to him and ask him to check with me for lifts for extra/late shifts. Because I wouldn't want every day to revolve around him. Is it possible to encourage him to catch a bus to and from work? That would be the better option.