DH doing everything for DSS, is this normal?

[Hop27]

DSS is 16 and living with us, we've been off work for 2 weeks and I didn't realise how much DH actually does for him (normally I work long long days) and it's driving me round the bend!!
DSS has a job, accepted any / all shifts and expects DH to drop him off and pick him up, leaving us constrained to what we can do during the days & evening.
On the days he's not working he expects DH to drop him off and pick him up to see friends.
DH does all his laundry, checks his uniform is clean for work.
Makes him all his meals.
DH is out tonight, his parting shot tonight was let DSS know when dinner is ready. We are just having rotisserie chicken and pre-made salads, AIBU to think DSS can help himself when he's hungry and that DH is doing WAY too much for a 16 year old, or is this standard for a teen?

Dads really can’t get it right on here, can they? They either don’t do enough, ignore their kids, let their girlfriends/step mums cook and clean etc for their kids which makes them a piece of shit. Or in this case they’re fully involved, do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, lifts etc, and that also makes them a piece of shit 🙄

I think what your DH is doing is fine.

How lovely that your DSS has a good work ethic and is prepared to work as many shifts as he can rather than lazing around in bed all day and playing xbox. Under these circumstances, I would (and did) drive my teenage children to and from all of their work shifts. And we do washing as a family - I find it bizarre that people separate out different family members' clothes and wash them separately.

I treated my DS much the same at 16 and lo-and-behold he's turned into a 19 year old who cooks, cleans, does his own laundry, and gets himself around the country and to and from university. He never needed me to force him to do things for himself; he just decided to start doing them because he wanted to be independent.

I’m always confused by the ‘do their own laundry’ people. Doesn’t that mean the machine is in way more often than it needs to be? I live alone and often have to run a half filled machine… That’s bad for household economics and the environment in a house where other laundry could fill it. Whoever said they work full time and don’t have time to hang it - well, that’s a bit odd. How do you think full time working adults with no children manage? But in any case, the children could hang it. Or put the wash on, for that matter. Not doing individual laundry needn’t mean someone isn’t doing any laundry surely?

as others have said, @Hop27 , all of that seems pretty normal to me with the possible exception of the lifts if good public transport/safe cycling is available. I did it for my DD. As she got into her later teens, she started doing some of it for both of us too - laundry, cooking, even lifts once she’d passed her test. She’s perfectly functional as an adult. She hasn’t been ‘neglected’ as someone up thread suggested. What a strange idea.

We have public transport, I think it's more the expectation that DH or I will run him to and from work, without checking first.
We usually eat together as a family, in the evening, but DSS hasn't once offered to help and doesn't clean up after.
The meals I'm meaning is breakfast when he gets up, or lunch when he comes in DH will either buy him something or make him something (if we've already eaten)
We don't have a family laundry basket, DH does his washing when he needs something, like his uniform he never does it of his own accord, hangs it out of takes it in.
He's been with us over 2 months and has walked Ddog once, and that's because I asked him and he didn't do it while we were out he had to be asked again.
Surely that's not normal?

I wouldn't expect a 16yo to do their own laundry or to eat separately from the rest of the family I can see how the lifts would be a bit of a pain, but that's tricky if there are no public transport alternatives, as obviously it's great that he's working hard.

Could DSS get about by himself if he wanted to? I know of kids who are ferried around but that is due to being more rural and a lack of decent public transport.

It does sound like he does too much, at 16 I would expect a kid to make their own meals if not in time for the family meal, know how to put on some washing and make sure they have a clean uniform when needed.

Pretty normal parenting. It's all mum/dad's taxis at that age as there's not much public transport here.

Washing/cooking separately is daft as it simply generates higher bills.

When I was 16 and had a job my mum would pick me up and drop me off for most of my shifts - I could get the bus if needed but it would take an hour vs 10 minutes. She was happy to do this as liked the fact I had a job, I would also regularly take on extra shifts at late notice and she would still take me.

I would get myself to my friends houses, but they mostly lived locally. If they lived far my mum would take me and pick me up (as well as giving my friends who lived close by lifts).

I would make dinner sometimes but mostly dinner was cooked for me.

I did my own washing but that's because my mum was lazy and barely did her own washing. If she did washing regularly I don't think there would have been any expectation for me to do mine.

Sorry, cross-posted, OP. If this is the first time he's had an extended stay in your home then he might just need a bit more 'telling' about how you'd like him to contribute around the house. But I certainly wouldn't exclude him from family meals as a punishment, which is how it will come across.

"DH is out tonight, his parting shot tonight was let DSS know when dinner is ready. We are just having rotisserie chicken and pre-made salads, AIBU to think DSS can help himself when he's hungry and that DH is doing WAY too much for a 16 year old, or is this standard for a teen?"

Yabu. Why wouldn't you let him know food is being served? It's just the done thing.

It only seems to be boys that are picked on in than scenario. I’ve got 2 teenage girls who can obviously make themselves a meal if needed, it’s rarely needed though as I make family dinners. Honestly I’m not even sure if they know how to use the washing machine as I do the family laundry. I’m not doing mine and dh and the baby’s, and then making a point of leaving my girls out. They’re too young to drive. And even if they weren’t, at 16 the ops dh is probably very aware he’s on borrowed time with his son needing him to parent him and want to spend time with him, Id be doing everything for him that I can, while I can. He’s not going to leave home and then suddenly fester and starve because he can’t work out how to use a washing machine or micro

I do most of this, we have almost no public transport so my dc wouldn’t able to work if I didn’t drive them. Separating laundry wouldn’t work for us. And we eat as a family and I enjoy cooking. I’m not sure I would be checking work uniform. I don’t check school uniform, if they don’t put it in the laundry it doesn’t get washed.

My Dc do help in other ways though. They do the dishes together most nights, cut the grass, wash cars (sometimes). They will often hoover if I ask.

The lifts do impact on our free time, there are occasions when it’s a real pain, but we still do it.

How accessible is the public transport in your area OP? What would his journey to and from work look like?

I assume if he's only with you 2 months that the dog is not his? Why would you expect him to walk the dog?

So the problem is that the DH is parenting. He's actually putting in the effort to take his child to work, make sure he is fed and has clean clothes. The standard parenting stuff

Shit parents really can't do right for wrong sometimes can they?

Your DH is doing too much for a 16 year old, yes. If it's new that he's living with you, it might just be an adjustment period.

But you are being unreasonable not to call him for dinner - surely if you've made dinner, whoever is in the house is called to eat at the point at which it is ready?

As for chores/help etc, absolutely - he should be doing some. Your Dh should ask him but if he's living the house with you both I see no reason why you can't cheerfully say at the end of dinner, "DSS, pleas can you please load the dishwasher" which is something I'd do for a young person in my house. if that feels very uncomfortable, talk to your DH about how at 16 a few chores at home is perfectly normal and agree with him which ones you (together) are going to be asking DSS to do.

Have you spoken to your husband about how abnormal you think his kid is?
Why let his parenting bother you? If he wants to raise a man who doesn't think to do basic chores or functioning, that's on him.

Don't think the OP will be back. Just a hunch.

All seems very normal to me, though you could start to build in a few chores too.

She replied 7 minutes ago 😄

Mother of DS16 here - you cannot seriously expect even the loveliest teenager to just do household chores by magic. I'm afraid you will have to ask again and again. My DS is lovely but rarely does anything without being asked. He does it with good grace but needs constant reminding. My teenage DD is the same. No separate washing here and we always eat dinner together.

I always gave my kids a lift to and from their part time jobs at that age - I liked the time we spent in the car, though. They used to walk or get the bus to see their friends, but if they were coming home late I'd give them a lift.

It was really tiring at times but it's not for long, is it?

I can see that if his child isn't living with him, he wants to show his love for him in lots of different ways. That's all he's doing, when you think about it.

However, if he's running around the house fetching and carrying, then that's just silly - he's infantilising them.

It's the opposite in our house.

DSS is older (19) doesn't drive though and DH thinks I do way too much for him.

He will get himself something to eat if he is out for the night or doesn't want what we are having, he rarely gets himself to/from work and I always am dropping him at mates or picking him up. Do his lunch if I am working from home etc

I did it for my ds when he lived at home so it just feels natural to do it for DSS (lived with us for 5 years but was here a lot before that, including EW from age of about 4).

DH is far less hand on, feels that from 16 they should be quite self sufficient and shouldn't need to be cooked for etc. He was the same with my DS when he lived here also.

I feel that a lot of it is to do with how our own backgrounds were very different.

Dh moved out at 16 following his parents split. Always paid his own way and had to support himself. Worked 2 jobs etc.

I was living at home until brought my own house, stayed in education doing college course after college course as I didn't know what to do. Had part time job but very much financially supported by my parents.

It’s not normal but I know 16 year olds who aren’t allowed to take public transport or do things like use kitchen appliances like the washing machine. It’s up to the parent to set boundaries and if it’s only 2 months since he started living with dad full time then I can see why it might take time to work things out. Many kids will act “younger” if allowed by the parent.

I think this is a bit simplistic. It's great that her DH is involved and supportive. But even my 12 year old doesn't automatically just get lifts anywhere, anytime without understanding that sometimes we all have to be flexible. eg I might agree to take him and his buddies to the gym but they might have to go earlier than they want to because I have to collect DD from her gymnastics class, or perhaps they walk there and I agree to collect them after. Sometimes, him and his friends will do deals with each other to work around their parents, "Mum, Dave's dad can't take him to boxing today so can we collet him and his dad says he'll drop me home after".

Surely this is just normal in any family? It's absolutely reasonable and great that her DH is driving DSS around to help him to work, but it's crazy if this means everyone else's lives are constantly impacted.

There are plenty of posters on MN who seem to do everything for their teenage children. So what your dh does would be fairly normal.