DH doing everything for DSS, is this normal?

[Hop27]

DSS is 16 and living with us, we've been off work for 2 weeks and I didn't realise how much DH actually does for him (normally I work long long days) and it's driving me round the bend!!
DSS has a job, accepted any / all shifts and expects DH to drop him off and pick him up, leaving us constrained to what we can do during the days & evening.
On the days he's not working he expects DH to drop him off and pick him up to see friends.
DH does all his laundry, checks his uniform is clean for work.
Makes him all his meals.
DH is out tonight, his parting shot tonight was let DSS know when dinner is ready. We are just having rotisserie chicken and pre-made salads, AIBU to think DSS can help himself when he's hungry and that DH is doing WAY too much for a 16 year old, or is this standard for a teen?

My parents did all that for me at that age (minus the lifts).

I moved out at 18 and could figure out a washing machine and how to feed myself easily enough. If he's happy to do it, it's not hurting anyone.

It sounds reasonable to me, 16 is still quite an immature age, and it's great that he is working. Your husband sounds like a really supportive dad.

And what exactly do you think gives her the right to start dictating the relationship between the father and his son? None of what you’ve listed affects the op in the slightest. Just imagine if all the sexes were reversed and it was a stepdad trying to ban a mother making her 16yo daughter meals, and fucking lecturing her that she’s an adult now so her mum isn’t allowed to do these things for her. If a man tried to interfere with me and my daughter that way he’d be out quicker then you could say ‘mind your own fucking business about the perfectly normal way I’m parenting my child’ 😡😡

I would say this is just normal parenting.

I do the same for my almost 16yo DD.

Do you have kids?
Do you not do these things for them?

It almost sounds as though you see him as a guest or something and not a child in his own home.

I would think is pretty standard also I would think that now is a good age to encourage DSS to start to do more for himself. Frist no lifts on free days, then food etc.

He sounds like a loving supportive dad and DSS sounds like a normal 16 year old with a decent work ethic.

Do you have your own children OP? And if so how old are they?

I wasn't for a moment suggested OP "dictates" anything - I replied what is normal for US and made some minor suggestions "Talk to your DH and agree to move the goalposts slightly and slowly" starting with making his own breakfast and lunch is hardly dictating anything.

If her DH doesn't agree then I agree it's up to him.

I have a teenage DS and a partner who is not his father. My partner is entitled to have an opinion on how my DS behaves. He doesn't voice it to DS but will let me now if he thinks DS is taking the piss. Sometimes I agree and deal with it, sometimes I don't agree and I leave things as is. My partner has a daughter too so I'm perfectly aware of how tricky step-paretning is but it's really not something to get so angry about online!

My kids are all independent adults now and have no problem with behaving as responsible members of society even though I generally did their laundry and ran them around when they were younger.
They were all hard working at school and worked hard when they had part time jobs. I was more than happy to facilitate this. They appreciated it. I don't see it as a problem at all.
I wouldn't have made breakfast or lunch but would have often made the evening meal.

They were expected to help around the house but if they were studying for exams I gave them a free pass for this too.
We had a cleaner a few times a week too though so although they had to be considerate and pick up after themselves it wasn't like they were scrubbing floors.
I wanted them to enjoy themselves as young adults and was happy to help.

They've all grown up into responsible, hardworking adults with clean houses!

Just be glad he’s doing it, not expecting you to (like so many seem to). I don’t think it’s a helpful way to parent - hardly preparing the SS for adult life is it - but he’s not your son, so probably best to stay out of it.

All very normal. This young man isn't a lodger, he's a member of the family.

i think you need to ask him to help regarding meals. My kids are similar ages and wont help if they think they can get away with it! Happy to help if asked too.

As for washing, we have a family basket and wash everything together, its cheaper! as for uniform for work, we all help get that washed and dried in time, including child who will bring it ready to go on ( we add our own stuff to make a full load)
you are being a bit unreasonable.

eating dinner as a family is nice and he is a member of the family

My children are at uni, and whilst there they cook, clean, do their laundry, manage their own transport etc.

But when they are at home, we act as a family. DH and I do their washing when we do ours (their responsibility is to put it in the laundry basket), we do the supermarket shop (their responsibility is to add to the shopping list if they need anything (e.g deodorant or shower gel etc)or have finished any store cupboard items (e.g peanut butter), we cook family meals (their responsibility is to come down and sit with us to eat it), they do make their own breakfasts and lunches, but we always offer them whatever we are making if they are around. We give them lifts to/from work as they work evenings and don't drive and we would prefer they don't walk around alone after dark. On the occasions when we can't offer lifts due to other plans they will take a taxi/uber at their own expense - but that would be too expensive for them to do every time (we're about a half hour walk to the nearest bus stop/train station which is also in the town centre where both of the work - so public transport doesn't really help).

I can't imagine why I'd want to make my children's lives harder just for the sake of it? We love them and show them kindness and consideration, and this in turn has taught them to grow up to be strong, self confident, independent young adults who are kind, capable and decent and work well in teams. Unkindness and being uncaring towards children doesn't teach them to be independent adults, it teaches them to be fucked up adults who are unkind and uncaring to others.

God, I've heard it all on here now

The boy is 16, not 21!

We encouraged DS to get a part-time job at 16, we are quite rural and the place where young people of his age get part-time work is not really somewhere you can walk or cycle to, especially late shifts, so we pretty much had to expect to be taxi for him. Studying and work were his priorities so during term time wasn't expected to do many chores.

Never understood families where everyone is responsible for their own laundry, must end up with so many small loads or a vast number of clothes. DS was responsible for putting clothes in laundry bag and putting away clean clothes.

Would cook the odd meal and help clear away.

If it’s not his dog I don’t see why he would walk it. However, you could just ask him to help clear the table and wash up after a meal.

DH is always giving our teenagers lifts. He says he prefers that to wondering where they are

It’s great your DSS has got himself a job. That shows initiative. When my DD had a job at 16 we drove her there and back. We don’t live on a convenient bus route so one of us had to do the lifts or she couldn’t have worked. Ditto trips into town or to see friends. We do the same with my 15yo but my DD is 17 and we put her through lessons and her test as soon as it was possible and she can drive herself now. Both my kids have been doing their laundry since the age of 12. They have baskets in their rooms and do it at the weekend. They can cook simple meals (pasta bolognese, lentil soup, that sort of thing) though I tend to do most of it. My DD cleans the kitchen and puts on the dishwasher every night and in exchange I pay her car insurance and gym membership. This amounts to about £3k so she’s getting a pretty good deal!

As far as I’m concerned, my job is to raise my kids to be well adjusted, functioning, competent adults. My mother was a SAHM and did everything for us almost invisibly. I went off to uni not knowing how to use a vacuum cleaner or a washing machine - or how to hang out laundry properly or change bedlinen. It was a humiliating experience having to ask someone to show me and I got teased about it for ages. I am determined my kids will not end up in the same boat. I think there’s room for your DH to loosen the apron strings and to encourage independence, but a lot of what he’s doing isn’t unreasonable.

If you had given different examples, such as cleaning up after dinner and walking the dog, then you would have different responses. It doesn't sound like you ask him to help, so maybe try that first.

Does he feel comfortable enough in your house/around you to grab himself a sandwich for lunch, if you've already eaten?

However, the things you've listed are totally normal, except for kids who live in a place where they can get to jobs or friends easily. DSS didn't get to choose where you lived and can't drive.

You are talking about him as a sort of housemate rather than a family member, it's really odd. Some of these things might be him holding back around you rather than laziness, so work on making him feel like a family member rather than a guest of his dads that you'd like to leave.

It's all about expectations.

And the earlier you set them, the easier your life becomes.

If you don't set them, they won't know.

I don't think many 16 year olds would just grab a load of family washing to put in if it wasn't expected of them or asked of then or part of their own chores list.

My dc have been expected to sort their own breakfast and lunch since they were about 10, so it's not even a conversation any more. I showed them how to make everything they would eat, but also when they started doing it but then asked 'what is there for breakfast', I responded 'look in the cupboard and fridge and don't ask me that again.' And they haven't.

However, I messed up on setting expectations for chores, I think I took the oh I'll just do it myself route, which was a mistake. So I still do it all and if I want them to do it, i need to ask and it always results in negativity.

So, telling him what you expect is key. And if he doesn't know how, show him once.

On the bright side, you haven't yet reached the age where you need to worry about your DH helping to pay for driving lessons, car insurance and a vehicle so that he can stop giving the lifts... (that is next year)

Oh, dear - sounds like someone is welljel!

@WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome gonna be totally cheeky and ask could you summarise these past threads for those of us on mobile who can't search, would be helpful to add context to this thread.

I lived a very different life to most because I left home at 16 and had to fend for myself so I find it difficult to have any understanding of teenagers who have everything done for them like this. It’s great he works but he should be making his own way to work and your DH shouldn’t be doing his laundry.

DP did all this for DSD at 16, except the lifts as it was just a few minutes walk.

I was also on my own from age 16 when I aged out of the foster system (I know it’s older now). Guess who taught herself to use a washing machine and cook a meal with pretty much no effort? I also got a full time job on top of a full time college course, got a flat and paid my bills. People on here are acting like it’s rocket science, and if you don’t get taught to do it as a child then you’ll never get the hang of it 🙄my children can stay children as long as they are. That’s not going to mean they’ll be completely useless the second they’re out of my front door