DH doing everything for DSS, is this normal?

[Hop27]

DSS is 16 and living with us, we've been off work for 2 weeks and I didn't realise how much DH actually does for him (normally I work long long days) and it's driving me round the bend!!
DSS has a job, accepted any / all shifts and expects DH to drop him off and pick him up, leaving us constrained to what we can do during the days & evening.
On the days he's not working he expects DH to drop him off and pick him up to see friends.
DH does all his laundry, checks his uniform is clean for work.
Makes him all his meals.
DH is out tonight, his parting shot tonight was let DSS know when dinner is ready. We are just having rotisserie chicken and pre-made salads, AIBU to think DSS can help himself when he's hungry and that DH is doing WAY too much for a 16 year old, or is this standard for a teen?

To add...ds1 is 22 now and takes care of himself perfectly well.
Tbh we live in a small house with an open plan kitchen/sitting room and don't need or want a load of separate entities washing, cooking and cleaning at different times; it's disturbing.
So a family meal it is. Ds1 does his own washing.

Yes I do most of this for my 15 year old for school too. He is capable of sorting a dinner for himself if I’m out or he wants to eat before us or whatever so he’s capable of needed. I have shown him how to use the washing machine too and it’s not hard so hopefully he could do that if needed to.

I agree that you're describing fairly bog standard parenting and caretaking.
Your dh sounds like a dad.
Don't be jealous or resent it. It's a good thing.

My kids did their own laundry, I just did bedding but they had to strip and remake the beds. They did cook but I cooked the family meal and they did dishes. We all cleaned the house together with music on.

Any pets were the sole responsibility of the person who wanted them. My DS had a kitten at 6 but he had to look after her. Same when he got a dog at 12.

I pity any partner of your DSS as he is likely to expect this level of service from them too.

How far away from DSSs job do you live?

I have DS 14 and I do all of this for him. Due to where we live, I will also be driving him to and from work when he gets a job, which is he eager to do asap.

And what was the issue with letting DSS know about dinner or even plating it up for him? Surely it's not that big a deal to shout him for dinner and put up a plate for him when you're doing your own? Do you not all eat dinner together?

I really don't see an issue here, he sounds like a living supportive father.

Yes feeding your children and washing their clothes is normal.

The lift situation depends on how easily it is to get around where you live. 16 is too young to drive himself. That being said I don't really think giving your 16 year old lifts is unreasonable.

Cor some blokes just can't win

The laundry thing sounds normal that all family laundry is done together. But DSS should be making sure their uniform is ready for work. The lifts depends if DSS could get to work otherwise? I worked from age 14 and always walked there myself, but it wasn't that far. He should be enabling DSS to be independent where possible.

The lifts sound annoying, I had a part time job at 16 and got a bus to work, it took an hour.

It’s a tough one because DH is doing all these things for his son himself and not expecting you to do it, so I think you have to let him parent as he sees fit.

If the lifts are affecting you then have a word with DH about that.

Bloody hell. Bordering on neglect. What a joke. It’s a washing machine, he’ll figure it out when he needs to. And he’ll be be raring to learn to drive when he’s old enough.

It depends where you live

In a city you'll have buses and fairly decent public transport

If you live in the sticks then yes like many many families with DC you have to suck it up and drive them around and that's that

Until they are old enough to buy a car and drive themselves

That's just how it is

Be grateful the boy has a job and friends so isn't moping around at home all the time

You're a step mum so you see it in a different way

This is actually what you do for your DC

I've always been a softy and my DS's have me wrapped around their little finger. Didn't stop DS1 from going off to Uni very independent - more than capable of sorting himself out/organising bills with housemates etc

You could get off your bum and help your DP out with the lifts like a normal partner

You clearly do not care about this boy

Is DSS also in school as well as working during the holidays?

The way it works in this house is to differentiate between can they do something and should they always be doing it?

So can DSS do his own laundry, does he know how to operate the machine, put it on the right setting etc? Mine do chores that they have always done and then things like cooking they can do, so tonight its meatballs which they make from scratch. Ds2 is 17 and usually does them by himself but Ds1 is home from uni so they will do it together for a laugh.

Mine have always done their bed stripping and remaking, bins, when you come home from shopping they are at the door waiting to receive bags, they unpack them and put away anything they can, they also do the dishwasher. As Ds1 is at uni he does everything, cooks from scratch, laundry, online food orders ie Tesco not takeaway but he had to learn to do all of that which is what the teen years are for. Ds2 passes a supermarket on his way home from college so I often ask him to grab bread, fresh veg or a tin of coconut milk etc.

I do the laundry as it is all in one place rather than in rooms but they know how to do laundry and do it just not all the time.

Is it because he's a DSS and not a DS?

My parents did all of this for my siblings and I at that age. TBH my mum will still offer to do our laundry when we visit though we generally all politely decline.

We are all three functional adults with partners/spouses, good jobs and can run our own households.

I can't drive so I obviously do not give my 15yo DS lifts (single parent). He uses public transport to get where he wants to, just the same as I do. We have plenty of it where we are though, we live in a town centre with 3 different 24 hour bus services and a train station. Most of the places he needs to go are within walking distance anyway. He doesn't have a job but he volunteers at a riding stables which is a 10 minute walk from our place.

I tend to do laundry and cooking but he knows how to use the washing machine and is capable of cooking for himself if he wants something outside of meal times. He sorts out his own school uniform, tidies his room and changes his own bedding.

I think it's VERY important especially for boys to start learning how to do these things from a young age so that they don't expect their wife to do it all in future.

My dc have done their own laundry from age 11 - dh and I both work full time and don't have time to hang it all up etc. they can also cook an evening meal in the holidays but we all eat together.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way.

How hard is it for ds to and from work? What would happen if dh said no on occasion?

Would ds do his own laundry if he needed to?

Do you really want him making his own meals. Plenty of parents complain that their teens don’t eat at meals times, make themselves something and then ingredients are missing for dinner later in the week.

I think doing thinks for teens is fine. But there should also be willingness from them to do things themselves. My dd is an adult. She might ask for a lift. But gives plenty of notice and if I can’t, she sorts herself out. I will put her washing in with mine. But if she notices she needs something she will put hers in and ask if I need anything put in.

I don’t mind dd making her own meals as long as she lets me know she isn’t eating with me and ds, but she will check its ok to use certain things when making herself food.

Its all about give a take and what happens when a parent can’t do something.

when mine lived at home I organised meals and did washings. only in some sections of mumsnet everybody in the house are doing seperate washings and nobody has family meals, I mean he is a member of your family does he not deserve to know there is chicken and salad for tea?

Agree with everyone else - if there's no other way for him to get places, then lifts are a necessity (and a nicety if there is other options but for example it's raining, or they just want to have a chat in the car).

My 16 year olds washed their own bedding and cooked once a week. And I'd expect to tell them when dinner was ready and for them to eat with us.

I'd suggest your views are more appropriate for an adult child.

If you've never previously even noticed, I'm not actually sure why it is bothering you?

Mine are a bit younger but I imagine I will be doing most of that when they are 16. Maybe not so many lifts as we live in outer London and public transport. We always have family meals.

I think what DH does is reasonable

Why are you so bothered?

the lift thing needs a bit of context, is he demanding is there no buses is it late shifts?