DH doing everything for DSS, is this normal?

[Hop27]

DSS is 16 and living with us, we've been off work for 2 weeks and I didn't realise how much DH actually does for him (normally I work long long days) and it's driving me round the bend!!
DSS has a job, accepted any / all shifts and expects DH to drop him off and pick him up, leaving us constrained to what we can do during the days & evening.
On the days he's not working he expects DH to drop him off and pick him up to see friends.
DH does all his laundry, checks his uniform is clean for work.
Makes him all his meals.
DH is out tonight, his parting shot tonight was let DSS know when dinner is ready. We are just having rotisserie chicken and pre-made salads, AIBU to think DSS can help himself when he's hungry and that DH is doing WAY too much for a 16 year old, or is this standard for a teen?

The son has been working to support his mother who is an alcoholic and then supporting her with her breakdown

I would say he's more prepared for adult life than man children who have been taught to cook, wash and clean.

Jeez @Hop27 'He's been with us over 2 months '

Really, I am always a GUEST for up to 3 months or longer of moving into a new home of a relative. He doesn't see it as his home, yet.

Just ASK him if you want him to clean up after eating or say on days he if OFF work/ whatever you can work with as a start- he is NOT doing it because NOT ONCE did you or his dad ask him. I too, wouldn't volunteer in another woman's home. What if he scratches your pans as he has no clue what you use- then you will come to MN to moan about DSS.

Regarding impacting your schedule because of disorganisation:
1.Be thankful he has a job FFS and he is accepting all and extra shifts. Countless threads on MN of Sep-kids refusing to work. I know what I will choose between being inconvenienced and a layabout Step Kid/ my kid.
2.See what all 3 of you can do together, to minimise this disruption- either suggest buses in clear situations (not enough notice to give you or you already have plans) or maybe offer to PAY him for his extra last minute shift from YOUR [OP] own pocket and enjoy your convenience instead: win win

I like his work ethic.
It is lovely when you are working hard (as he sounds to be) and dad or mum or step mum (lovely step mums do exist) can drop you off.

Or is there a back story?
If he planning to stay with you long term, (6 months or more), I do agree to you and DH agreeing your expectations from DSS from NOW 9the sooner the better) and the things he can clearly help with. None is a guest after 6 months.

Since DH does a lot for him- I bed DH will not support most of your suggestions. Good on him. Parents do miss their kids when they are not with them and will naturally want to do a lot for them- can you also not see this?

It's pathetic

What's pathetic?

A father encouraging a 16 year old to be so dependent

Wow @JustanotherMNSlapperTwat
Talk about how missing out a hugely relevant back story changes an op. Jfc. Support this poor child!

or he could just be supporting his son after the kid has had a rough time of it ?

Firstly well done for DSS in having a job and even taking on extra shifts at 16 years old. Great work ethic and he's learning invaluable skills that will benefit him in the future.

Could he get to work himself easily? Bus, train, bike? If not, or it would take a long commute then I think his Dad giving him lifts is perfectly reasonable. Wouldn't most parents will be willing to give lifts if it meant their child had a job and was taking responsibility for themselves?

In regards to washing his uniform and clothes I don't see why these just can't be done with the family washing? Your husband could show him how to use the washing machine himself, but I don't think it's a massive deal if he's just able to throw his clothes into the wash basket with the rest of the family? He's his son, not a random lodger.

Should he also be cooking his own meals at 16? Do you expect him to not eat with you as a family? Not sure what your husband did wrong telling him what time food would be ready?! Only would be an issue if he was demanding specific food at a certain time.

Your husband sounds like a great loving Dad actually. You seem a little bitter about your DSS.

I don't think it's particularly unusual for a parent to still be washing a 16 year old's clothes as part of the family wash and cooking family meals for them. My mum was still doing that for me at that age. I did get public transport to work but my dad would have happily given me lifts if it wasn't available or was problematic. He also gave me lifts to see my friends because we lived rurally and there were no night time buses. I think your DH sounds like a great Dad.

He is still a child, and is a family member living at home with his Dad, not some lodger. It is normal for parents to do things for their children. Is it really the case that he "expects" this, or more the case that your DH happily does these things for his son and you resent this?

Of course he should eat meals with you at family meal times. Would you really expect to prepare meals only for you and DH, and ignore DSS?

If you want him to walk the dog or do other chores then ask him. Or ask DH to ask him. Instead of huffing and puffing that a child in his mid-teens isn't stepping right up to do all these tasks when he hasn't even been asked by either of you to do them!

You sound far more resentful and bitter than should be considered normal here.

I have a 16 year old and do most of what the OP is complaining about for him though I don't worry about breakfast or lunch too much. I might remind him to eat and maybe suggest what he might have for lunch based on what's in the fridge/cupboards and what I want used up. Laundry, lifts, inclusion in evening meals are standard parenting things at 16 I would have thought, though my son cooks dinner once a week and is very courteous in requesting lifts generally speaking. He'll walk the dog if asked very nicely. You have got to cut the boy and his Dad some slack - the boy has been through a lot but sounds a good un and the Dad wants to nurture and care for his son at a time when he needs it very much. I want to hug this boy myself! You sound very hard and cold and I know who Id be choosing if you decide to make a big deal of this. Even if the Dad was going over the top a bit - which is itself up for debate - you would do well to ride it out with grace and compassion. In no time at all, this very well functioning young man will be living his adult life and the dynamics will shift again..

This child has been working to financially and emotionally support his alcoholic mother during a breakdown... he's far more independent than MANY adults already at this age.

He's been through what I can only imagine is an awful lot already at the age of 16. There's nothing wrong with minding this child and giving him some extra love and care so that he can recover from this trauma.

There's plenty of time for him to be completely independent, this age and stage of the boys life is not that time.

Doesn't look like the OP got the responses she was looking for.... 🤔

She hasn't got the responses she wants on any of the threads bashing this child.

Any chance she might be self aware enough to read the responses she's getting and realise she's just being horrible and needs a seriously hard look at herself??? Doubtful...

Sorry, where does op say about an alcoholic mother, or is that in another thread?

There are multiple other threads although I'm sure there are probably more than I have read. I have a photographic memory so I remembered the user name

Well that’s not on the thread, so please link.

It’s not either/or he’s still at a disadvantage if he can’t do these things. And there are unfortunately many teens who are carers for parents or siblings for whom learning this stuff would be part of the process.

I'm sure the child is more than capable of doing these things @Mirabai if he's been supporting his mother.

But just because he can do these things, doesn't mean he needs to be doing them for himself all the time, at the age of 16, when he's obviously going through some trauma and the poor kid is still managing to hold his job.

Maybe his father just WANTS to do these things for his son, wants to show him care and affection through acts of service.

I can guarantee you if a man I was with started questioning my care for my son in a similar situation, he'd be fucked out the door quicker than he could turn around.

Thank you. I wasn’t aware of the other threads. It perhaps explains why dh is going the extra mile at the moment.

However, going forward there does have to be ground rules about lifts etc so dss doesn’t take advantage.

Op does sound resentful of this ‘intrusion’ into their life. It doesn’t sound like they have any other kids, or even that she has any dc of her own.

If you want to find the other threads then go look for them?

I was a child carer so I am well aware of that thanks. And my friends who I went to uni with who didn't know how to do laundry or cook learnt with their friends which was far nicer than being screamed at by my mother so I'm still not seeing its such a dire thing if he hasn't figured out a washing machine yet.

Why are you assuming that he can't do these things anyway? That wasn't in the thread either.

I didn’t say he needs to be doing it all the time. But there’s no reason he can’t get on a bus.

Considering the op is the op. I’d say he probably does get the bus sometimes and that dad actually offers many lifts. Ops just jealous of the dss full stop anything he gets she wants to control. Even his fathers lifts and loves.

I don’t, you’re the one who made the claim.

Once you start taking care of yourself as a teen you generally do it everywhere. It would be unusual to do stuff in one house and nothing in another, if he can do all of it it would be odd to let his dad do all of it for him nonetheless.

My mum did all of that for me and my siblings at 16 (apart from lifts) and did until we left for Uni. We were able to cope with cooking, washing and cleaning. Let's face it; it's not exactly hard.

I'm convinced that the people (let's face it mainly men) who say they don't know how to cook or can't use a washing machine without ruining things are purely saying it because they don't want to. I refuse to believe that they can't follow a recipe or things like that. They say it because its easy rather than because they can't.

👏👏

You seem a little bitter about your DSS.

All these step parents RUNNING to MN hoping to 'rent an anti-step parenting mob' as they properly get in their equally unreasonable friend circle.

Looked at objectively, nothing wrong with this young person. If any thing is OP's own preference how the household is run, equally no reason for this OP not to just speak to DSS or his dad or both, unless of course OP secretly knows the DH will have none of it. So was maybe also hoping for: 'you have a Dh problem' posts. We see nothing wrong here and some of us have it all: natural kids, adopted kids, step kids, relative kids all under the same roof. This is just a young person getting on with life whilst looking at his parents for protection, love and guidance.