Been together for 21 years. These are some of the things he’s done over the years that have led me to this point:
Found out when I was pregnant with youngest (now 13) that he was on extra-marital affair websites and was conversing with several women and arranging to meet up in hotels.
Upon me finding out he insisted nothing had ever happened and it was all titillation. Subsequently got mad at me if I brought it up and told me all the usual stuff like “we weren’t having much sex at the time” (not true). I think this was the start of when I really started to resent him and the scales fell from my eyes.
Financial abuse: I’m a sahm (I know, I know). He pays me an allowance each week for food/clothes etc. I will admit on this he’s quite generous and rarely buys things for himself. But we have no joint finances - I have absolutely no idea how much he earns (though he has told me if he was on a salary he would be in the top 2% to afford our lifestyle)
He owns £££ in assets but I am not privy to any of this information. I don’t even know who we pay our bills/mortgage to. All his paperwork is kept in his locked offices and it’s such a mess I wouldn’t know where to begin. Now we’re getting older (and after a few sudden deaths in the family) I have asked repeatedly that I’m included in financial goings-on so that I know what to do should anything happen to him. His response is to shut me down with phrases such as “the solicitors will deal with it” or “just sell everything- you’ll be fine”. His business dealings are extremely complicated, he works 12 hour days to keep up - yet he thinks il be fine with absolutely no knowledge of the business if he dies?(he’s older than me btw)
Sex: he has, I think, a porn addiction - or has in the past. I’ve caught him many times, he knows I hate it.
I believe this has ruined our sex lufe as he’s always wanting to do things I’m not comfortable with. I don’t want to go into too much detail as it’s embarrassing but he will sometimes punch me and choke me during sex. If I complain he says he does it bc he knows I like it really. He also has some pretty gross fantasies that knock me sick. As a result I really don’t like having sex with him anymore.
He has just made me take a second lot of speeding points for him bc if he takes them he’ll be banned. If I refuse he’ll say that I will then have to do all the driving and it’ll affect his work and our finances.
He loves the sound of his own voice, is a complete bore and only talks about certain subjects: the economy, the state of the country, how much he disagrees with certain things etc. I feel he is a very negative person, though he would describe himself as positive - but this is only “toxic positivity” in my view. If you are upset about something he has the attitude of “you just need to change your mindset” or “stop moping” - as a result I don’t confide in him or really even talk to him any more. It feels like if he’s not the one controlling the conversation he’s not interested.
I read things on here about people saying their partners are kind and do things like bring them a cup of tea when they’re ill or do some cleaning. He does nothing. Bc he earns the money and I don’t work, everything else is down to me. He won’t do any diy around the house and won’t pay tradesmen to do it, as a result I feel the house is falling down around our ears - it’s really stressful.
Ive been ill this week and have been getting up late as I can’t sleep and when I come down he hasn’t even fed the poor dog. If I ask him to do anything he says “later” or gets the hump.
He’s suddenly decided after 20 years of going out of the house for 12 hrs a day that he’s now working from home as he’s no need to be in the office any more. When we were younger and the dcs were small I used to sometimes beg him to take a day off if I was ill and he wouldn’t. One thing that sticks in my mind was my dd knocking herself out and I’d just had another baby and he wouldn’t come home and take the baby whilst I took her to A&E. that’s just one example - there are many other similar incidents. I’m so annoyed that now the dcs are all flying the nest or at high school he’s suddenly decided he’s staying home. It’s driving me mad. I can’t play music whilst I’m cleaning bc he’s working etc.
Im 42 so is this age-related? Do I stick it out bc he’s not that bad or for the dcs sake? The thought of spending the next 30 years with him is depressing.
Ive no idea what position il be in financially if we do spilt - I’ve no money, no idea about his financial affairs and wouldn’t even have the money for a solicitor. I do know (or he’s said) that my name is on some of the properties he owns. I don’t think he’s done this to protect me but to protect himself should his business go tits up!
I could go on and on but I realise this is already very long. I don’t really know what I’m asking - maybe just to document things for my own sanity.
Has anyone been in a similar situation or knowledgable about instances like this where one partner holds all the cards?
I feel like if I divorce him il be completely at his mercy. He’s very clever in business dealings and knows how to hide things/use loopholes.
thanks to anyone who read that mammoth OP!