To leave DH for these reasons?

[YouStupidGirl]

Been together for 21 years. These are some of the things he’s done over the years that have led me to this point:

Found out when I was pregnant with youngest (now 13) that he was on extra-marital affair websites and was conversing with several women and arranging to meet up in hotels.
Upon me finding out he insisted nothing had ever happened and it was all titillation. Subsequently got mad at me if I brought it up and told me all the usual stuff like “we weren’t having much sex at the time” (not true). I think this was the start of when I really started to resent him and the scales fell from my eyes.

Financial abuse: I’m a sahm (I know, I know). He pays me an allowance each week for food/clothes etc. I will admit on this he’s quite generous and rarely buys things for himself. But we have no joint finances - I have absolutely no idea how much he earns (though he has told me if he was on a salary he would be in the top 2% to afford our lifestyle)
He owns £££ in assets but I am not privy to any of this information. I don’t even know who we pay our bills/mortgage to. All his paperwork is kept in his locked offices and it’s such a mess I wouldn’t know where to begin. Now we’re getting older (and after a few sudden deaths in the family) I have asked repeatedly that I’m included in financial goings-on so that I know what to do should anything happen to him. His response is to shut me down with phrases such as “the solicitors will deal with it” or “just sell everything- you’ll be fine”. His business dealings are extremely complicated, he works 12 hour days to keep up - yet he thinks il be fine with absolutely no knowledge of the business if he dies?(he’s older than me btw)

Sex: he has, I think, a porn addiction - or has in the past. I’ve caught him many times, he knows I hate it.
I believe this has ruined our sex lufe as he’s always wanting to do things I’m not comfortable with. I don’t want to go into too much detail as it’s embarrassing but he will sometimes punch me and choke me during sex. If I complain he says he does it bc he knows I like it really. He also has some pretty gross fantasies that knock me sick. As a result I really don’t like having sex with him anymore.

He has just made me take a second lot of speeding points for him bc if he takes them he’ll be banned. If I refuse he’ll say that I will then have to do all the driving and it’ll affect his work and our finances.

He loves the sound of his own voice, is a complete bore and only talks about certain subjects: the economy, the state of the country, how much he disagrees with certain things etc. I feel he is a very negative person, though he would describe himself as positive - but this is only “toxic positivity” in my view. If you are upset about something he has the attitude of “you just need to change your mindset” or “stop moping” - as a result I don’t confide in him or really even talk to him any more. It feels like if he’s not the one controlling the conversation he’s not interested.

I read things on here about people saying their partners are kind and do things like bring them a cup of tea when they’re ill or do some cleaning. He does nothing. Bc he earns the money and I don’t work, everything else is down to me. He won’t do any diy around the house and won’t pay tradesmen to do it, as a result I feel the house is falling down around our ears - it’s really stressful.

Ive been ill this week and have been getting up late as I can’t sleep and when I come down he hasn’t even fed the poor dog. If I ask him to do anything he says “later” or gets the hump.

He’s suddenly decided after 20 years of going out of the house for 12 hrs a day that he’s now working from home as he’s no need to be in the office any more. When we were younger and the dcs were small I used to sometimes beg him to take a day off if I was ill and he wouldn’t. One thing that sticks in my mind was my dd knocking herself out and I’d just had another baby and he wouldn’t come home and take the baby whilst I took her to A&E. that’s just one example - there are many other similar incidents. I’m so annoyed that now the dcs are all flying the nest or at high school he’s suddenly decided he’s staying home. It’s driving me mad. I can’t play music whilst I’m cleaning bc he’s working etc.

Im 42 so is this age-related? Do I stick it out bc he’s not that bad or for the dcs sake? The thought of spending the next 30 years with him is depressing.

Ive no idea what position il be in financially if we do spilt - I’ve no money, no idea about his financial affairs and wouldn’t even have the money for a solicitor. I do know (or he’s said) that my name is on some of the properties he owns. I don’t think he’s done this to protect me but to protect himself should his business go tits up!

I could go on and on but I realise this is already very long. I don’t really know what I’m asking - maybe just to document things for my own sanity.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or knowledgable about instances like this where one partner holds all the cards?

I feel like if I divorce him il be completely at his mercy. He’s very clever in business dealings and knows how to hide things/use loopholes.

thanks to anyone who read that mammoth OP!

VanGoghsDog

That is horrifying. Terrifying.

You must leave. He punches you during sex. You MUST leave. He is one sick twisted bastard OP. And any of the other stuff is reason enough. Though to be clear being unhappy with him and the relationship is reason on its own. Do you have people who can support you in leaving? You should take legal advice but you must get away from him. You deserve so much better than this.

That is absolutely not what I was trying to do. As I was reading your opening post to this thread (and genuinely being horrified by it), it began to ring bells so I looked to see if you were the same person or if there really was more than one person stuck in such an awful situation. Whilst doing that, I found the posts about the affair and found it a bit odd. No business of mine, or anyone else on here, what did or didn't happen, but not mentioning it as part of this thread, given the nature of some of the comments, seemed odd. There was no intention to make digs, hurt or offend.

So long as you're not perimenopausal go for it

What?

"he will sometimes punch me and choke me during sex"
Just leave. Money or financial worries should not be keeping you in this situation.

OP, you have been suffering domestic violence and marital rape.

Beating you during sex doesn't make the violence less bad, it makes it worse. Remember that.

"Only" leaving light bruises is horrific. Do you need to end up with broken bones before you consider it abuse?

Did you know that men who strangle aka "choke" their partners are seven times more likely to murder them?

Also no amount of "choking" is ever safe, it always deprives your brain of oxygen and risks killing brain cells.

You ought to contact Women's Aid, he has been exhibiting controlling and coercive behaviour, especially financially. He's sexually abusing you, subjecting you to domestic violence and the threat thereof, he's forced you to admit to crimes you didn't commit, he's left you completely dependent on him financially, and he has most likely cheated on you.

You'll gain some money and freedom - he'll have to cough up a portion of his money as you have minor children.

You leave him if he doesn't make you happy and is unlikely to recognise this and attempt to change anf improve the relationahip. I left my child's dad when I realised I was never going to be able to trust or believe him and he had done too much damage to my self esteem and confidence. You deserve better than this.

Dear DP,

You are abused in all forms - emotionally, financially and sexually.

Run from this as soon as you possible can. I would not even discuss anything with him, I would simply divorce him. He sounds awful.

Making you take his speeding points. Twice. That could.

I’m pretty shocked by your situation, OP.

For instance he’s told me he never paid back his student debt as he is self employed and “it all just goes back into the business” he can get away with it.

This is not good news. I strongly suggest you find a way to pay for a forensic accountant.

If anyone punched and choked me and said I liked it, I'd be off. To the police.

Everything else is just a terrible bonus.

Your life does not have to be like this.

Oh sorry, I hadn't read your follow up where you said he only punches you on the body. (He slaps you on the face...)

This is worse

You are minimising the mental and physical abuse he is putting you through.

I dread to think what is going on in his personal life that you don’t know about.

I also felt it wasn't bad enough to leave. I left over something he said not did.

im a completely different person. There's no denying it has been hard and expensive but I e found me. I'm back and life will always be better now no matter what happens.

please get help. You owe it as a mother to show the children the right way to be.

I was you 5 years ago, OP.

Leaving was the best decision I ever made. The second best would have been never meeting the bastard in the first place but I don't have a time machine.

You've spent half your life with this man. Your brain reached maturity while you were being abused by him, and it's likely you have formed trauma bonds, equating love with abuse.

It's very important you speak to Women's Aid and get some therapy and advice from people who understand the complexity of your situation.

There's also a really good book called Living with the Dominator. I obtained a copy about 6 months before leaving my ex, and I read it all the way through without recognising my ex once. My mind was protecting me from the realisation that he was abusive, because I was living with him and therefore dangerous. After a serious DV incident I kicked him out and read the book again - it was like the scales had fallen from my eyes and he was there, in every page.

I tell you this because you've undergone a massive and important shift already, to see him for what he is. He will probably have noticed this shift in you. Be careful. Ring Women's Aid when you are out, or when he is out.

Maybe ask @MNHQ to move this thread to Relationships so you can get better advice than in AIBU.

Sending support and strength OP.

Please try to call Women's Aid, they may also be able to recommend an appropriate solicitor for you as one that specialises in marital abuse would be best.

If you haven't already accepted the second lot of speeding points then I would do.

God, he is just horrible. So sorry you're going through this.

Sorry, I meant to say I WOULDN'T accept them.

The dcs don’t know anything about it. I think they think we’re perfectly happy.

Two things:

• they know - they really do. I was the child in this situation.
• even if they don't, what sort of example of a relationship are you setting for them? They will learn that what they see is the norm.

It is time to cut and run.

Not sure if anyone has posted this, but start here:

https://find-and-update.company-information.service.gov.uk/

If you haven’t already, get over to Relationships and find out how to get out of this relationship.

If properties are in your name, you own them. The total length of the relationship will probably be looked at especially as you have children so you will not be left with nothing. If he’s got LTD companies then he’s not self-employed. If he’s a director, then he’ll have to submit accounts to Companies House. This will be a good starting place to find out how much he owns/earns. CMS can look through his finances so he’ll have to pay something.

Check your own name on Companies House too. He may have made you a director/shareholder etc without you knowing and despite what he may tell you, you would then potentially have an entitlement to money from “his” business.

He can’t own 50 properties without having a financial footprint somewhere. I’d be highly sceptical that he owns all of them in a self-employed capacity which means he has a company/companies that own them. If you haven’t signed anything to have them in your name then he’s potentially committed fraud. Does he rent them out? Would he be a good landlord? HMO certificates? Gas safety checks done regularly? Deposits in deposit schemes?

The pinching and strangling is enough on its own to end this relationship. Do it for you. You are worth so much more.

This is still domestic violence - slapping, punching, bruising. I don’t know what has happened to make some people think this is what sex is like (I do know, it's violent misogynistic porn) - but these are not normal, unless you're in an agreed BDSM relationship with limits and safe words and crucially consent and trust. A man beating a woman during sex without those things is simply a violent abuser. Him doing it for his own sexual gratification is no different to him doing it in anger. It's assault. And the choking is extremely dangerous - it could leave your children without a mother.

I read a few books a while back, true accounts of women who married narcissistic psychopaths. A lot of this sounds very much like that - saying they're self made business men, with lots of money/properties dotted around, thinking they're above the law, being sexually/fiscally/emotionally abusive, because they have no genuine feelings or feelings of remorse, it's all a power trip to them. One poor woman found out that her husband had never been on business trips abroad, those times he was with his other wife and children, obviously telling her the same!!! This is all now ringing massive alarm bells for me OP. The mere fact that he's included your name in some of the "properties", something really isn't right there. Please seek advice before it gets any worse, if it could... 🙏🙏🙏❤❤❤

I've been thinking about you while I've been out and I recall a thread from another poster years ago. She didn't really fully understand how bad things were and so many people on here supported her on line and in real life and she got out.

Apologies if someone has already said this, I'm sure someone must have, but he's gas lighting you. When he says you like the assaults in bed it's to blindside you as well as try and convince himself it's all fine.

None of it is fine and you have to put your kids first and get the hell away from him. Hopefully via the police station.

I just wanted to say I am reading and re-reading all the responses and making note of all the helpful links/info people have very kindly posted.

I am taking it all in and it is giving me strength.

Ive googled some local divorce solicitors today and once the dcs are back at school I think il make an appointment, just see what they say.

I really do appreciate everyone’s kindness and taking the time to respond.

It is slowly dawning on me (especially after reading through the Women’s Aid website) that I AM in an abusive relationship and it’s not right and not normal.

I flit between thinking it will be best to divorce even if I end up with nothing to feeling very scared about beginning again with nothing. Having him “take care of everything” and having no autonomy over finances etc has been the norm for me since I was 20 so it’s just hard to get my head around how it will be to be independent from him.

It will be best. If I stay I'd never need to worry about money and my next house would be wonderful. I am divorcing and he's gone and I'll have to move to a smaller house, go back to work, worry about money. All worth it. Not with someone who <words fail me>. You can do this.

It will be scary for sure OP, but it will be so much better/safer/more like the life you deserve than what you have. Good luck, I am rooting for you.