To leave DH for these reasons?

[YouStupidGirl]

Been together for 21 years. These are some of the things he’s done over the years that have led me to this point:

Found out when I was pregnant with youngest (now 13) that he was on extra-marital affair websites and was conversing with several women and arranging to meet up in hotels.
Upon me finding out he insisted nothing had ever happened and it was all titillation. Subsequently got mad at me if I brought it up and told me all the usual stuff like “we weren’t having much sex at the time” (not true). I think this was the start of when I really started to resent him and the scales fell from my eyes.

Financial abuse: I’m a sahm (I know, I know). He pays me an allowance each week for food/clothes etc. I will admit on this he’s quite generous and rarely buys things for himself. But we have no joint finances - I have absolutely no idea how much he earns (though he has told me if he was on a salary he would be in the top 2% to afford our lifestyle)
He owns £££ in assets but I am not privy to any of this information. I don’t even know who we pay our bills/mortgage to. All his paperwork is kept in his locked offices and it’s such a mess I wouldn’t know where to begin. Now we’re getting older (and after a few sudden deaths in the family) I have asked repeatedly that I’m included in financial goings-on so that I know what to do should anything happen to him. His response is to shut me down with phrases such as “the solicitors will deal with it” or “just sell everything- you’ll be fine”. His business dealings are extremely complicated, he works 12 hour days to keep up - yet he thinks il be fine with absolutely no knowledge of the business if he dies?(he’s older than me btw)

Sex: he has, I think, a porn addiction - or has in the past. I’ve caught him many times, he knows I hate it.
I believe this has ruined our sex lufe as he’s always wanting to do things I’m not comfortable with. I don’t want to go into too much detail as it’s embarrassing but he will sometimes punch me and choke me during sex. If I complain he says he does it bc he knows I like it really. He also has some pretty gross fantasies that knock me sick. As a result I really don’t like having sex with him anymore.

He has just made me take a second lot of speeding points for him bc if he takes them he’ll be banned. If I refuse he’ll say that I will then have to do all the driving and it’ll affect his work and our finances.

He loves the sound of his own voice, is a complete bore and only talks about certain subjects: the economy, the state of the country, how much he disagrees with certain things etc. I feel he is a very negative person, though he would describe himself as positive - but this is only “toxic positivity” in my view. If you are upset about something he has the attitude of “you just need to change your mindset” or “stop moping” - as a result I don’t confide in him or really even talk to him any more. It feels like if he’s not the one controlling the conversation he’s not interested.

I read things on here about people saying their partners are kind and do things like bring them a cup of tea when they’re ill or do some cleaning. He does nothing. Bc he earns the money and I don’t work, everything else is down to me. He won’t do any diy around the house and won’t pay tradesmen to do it, as a result I feel the house is falling down around our ears - it’s really stressful.

Ive been ill this week and have been getting up late as I can’t sleep and when I come down he hasn’t even fed the poor dog. If I ask him to do anything he says “later” or gets the hump.

He’s suddenly decided after 20 years of going out of the house for 12 hrs a day that he’s now working from home as he’s no need to be in the office any more. When we were younger and the dcs were small I used to sometimes beg him to take a day off if I was ill and he wouldn’t. One thing that sticks in my mind was my dd knocking herself out and I’d just had another baby and he wouldn’t come home and take the baby whilst I took her to A&E. that’s just one example - there are many other similar incidents. I’m so annoyed that now the dcs are all flying the nest or at high school he’s suddenly decided he’s staying home. It’s driving me mad. I can’t play music whilst I’m cleaning bc he’s working etc.

Im 42 so is this age-related? Do I stick it out bc he’s not that bad or for the dcs sake? The thought of spending the next 30 years with him is depressing.

Ive no idea what position il be in financially if we do spilt - I’ve no money, no idea about his financial affairs and wouldn’t even have the money for a solicitor. I do know (or he’s said) that my name is on some of the properties he owns. I don’t think he’s done this to protect me but to protect himself should his business go tits up!

I could go on and on but I realise this is already very long. I don’t really know what I’m asking - maybe just to document things for my own sanity.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or knowledgable about instances like this where one partner holds all the cards?

I feel like if I divorce him il be completely at his mercy. He’s very clever in business dealings and knows how to hide things/use loopholes.

thanks to anyone who read that mammoth OP!

Leave him, but be wise. You had raised his kids and forgiving him a lot. Be as sneaky, calm, wise, cold blood as you can and find as many assets as you can before he hides them even better and tell you he is reaching poverty and leaving you without nothing.

Are you better without him? yes you are.
Are you going to leave without your share? Don't do it. Patient is a virtue and you had had more than enough with him.

I’m worried for you. I wouldn’t normally say this to anyone but I think you should make very discreet plans to leave. As in tell nobody. Leaving a man like this can be very dangerous and you will need professional help. Please get in touch with Women’s Aid and copy your post to them but do it through a public computer not the one you use at home. What your DH is doing to you in the bedroom is a huge red flag but then so is everything else. The most dangerous time for a women is when she tries to leave a man like this. Which is why you can’t tell anyone you will be doing it or when you do it. Things won’t get any better and you can go on to have the life you’ve always wanted, perhaps with the partner you’ve always wanted.
I am speaking from experience here and can promise you there is a huge light at the end of the tunnel but you have to swallow that fear. I will leave you with a quote I live by now;
Forget what you feel and remember what you deserve. Good luck , keep us updated. 🙏x

You deserve a medal for putting up with this for so long. Seriously life is better than this. Agree with others, get a volunteer job first and ease yourself in. Do some online courses (FutureLearn etc).

Maybe speak to Women's Aid and see what they suggest - they may be able to help you work out an exit strategy and build up to leaving. I would be suspicious that he is now working from home all the time, almost to keep an eye on things.

Oh OP. Like @Sunshinealways8 says, I'm worried for you too. You must not let him know you plan to leave. He's dangerous.

OP please leave this awful
man. You and your children deserve so much better. Get a good solicitor and let them help you.

OP
You have 25 years until you retire.

Im not sure how much older than you he is, but you could have 30 or 40 years left.
You are not too old.
You deserve to be happy and safe. I know this because everyone deserves this

This all sounds horribly familiar to me. Get out while you still have the time to make your own life. And get a good solicitor.

Wow!
Hoenstiy @YouStupidGirl I am not easily shocked but he is shocking.

I can’t believe you think “he’s not that bad”
Ypu need to start putting any time he leaves and get all the info you need.
I actually think he knows how fine you would be if you left him and tooke half that he never wants you to find out.

If you speak to women’s air about this “abuse” you would get help I’m sure with legal aid.

Is he too old to mess around now is that why he has decided to work from home. Or was he just pig ignorant and don’t want to parent. .

How stay your news to leave like yesterday.
You have a whole nee life ahead of you I wouldn’t give this man another second .
As you have read on here I am sure “get your ducks in a row”

I’m sure a solicitor can advise on a specific accountant that can find out all the account he has it’s shocking he doesn’t even tell you what you have in your own name (financial abuse)
He gives you a decent allowance as it’s your own money OP

Start with downloading an Experian account and transiunion this will trellis you what mortgages or loans you have in your name and the amount of your debts.

Use the support on here and LTB

Getting a job is NOT the priority right now !!,

Sorting a divorce from someone like this will be a full time job in itself...

Keep your powder dry. Use the time you have with him at work to gather as much evidence as possible.

House value,
Who is the mortgage with ?
Assets ? Where are they, what are they...

Smile. Be nice. Get your shit together.

Research SHIT HOT LAWYERS..
START stashing cash.

Go to a shit hot lawyer and tell them EVERYTHING you have said here.

You cannot possibly do this whilst looking after 4 kids and working in Tesco part time !

Make THIS your job and investment in your future.
5 years is considered a long marriage especially once added to the length of your relationship...

Then spring and fucking CHOKE AND PUNCH him financially.
Do it for you and your children.

I would have said my h was a good day too. Since we've split he's been shite. They have pretty much given up on him.

I was also a SAHM and not worked for nearly 23 years. So much resonates but all I can say is yes, you can leave. You should leave. You'll get all the help you need from posters on here but only start the process once you are ready. Don't be pushed into it by strangers. It's your life and you should live it how you want.

you might be his wife but he's not your boss. Free yourself

You had me at extra-marital affair website.

Agree with @Outofmydepthnow

Focus on getting out and getting as much as you can from him. It’ll be a full time job in itself.

You can do it OP. Just imagine what your life will be like without him. Freedom, contentment, peace…always wins over a wealthy lifestyle. It’s easy to feel afraid if you’ve never dealt with the finances or know anything about them, but honestly it’s part of him controlling you, keeping you ignorant and scared.

Imagine what your own home will feel like! Just you and the kids and do whatever you like!!

YANBU to leave. However, I'd keep v quiet about plans to leave. Get as much info as you can (quietly) about finances etc. Check your credit file, see about maybe getting a new phone that he's not aware of, where you can get info without him knowing (maybe he has software on phones/tech in the household). Do you have a bank account that he can't access, one just in your sole name? Maybe do a cash withdrawal (or get cash back from shops) and then put some of your weekly allowance into a new bank account. I'd speak to Women's Aid about best way to go about this.

In the meantime, don't let on that you plan to leave. Maybe whilst he's WFH, buy yourself the time to get yourself a bit more sorted: either with gathering info, or getting advice...or getting yourself back to the workplace: you can look for a volunteering role to get some more up to date work experience, or get on a course to give yourself some confidence/update skills. All very reasonable things for a SAHP to do. Did you have a career or qualifications from the past?

I'm wishing you all the very best xx

Not read many PP but regarding the properties he has - you can look up at the Land Registry online and find out who the owners are if you have the addresses to see what you own jointly.
Although apparently the LR is rather ''behind'' at the moment regarding recent details. You can also phone them.

Is he too old to mess around now is that why he has decided to work from home. Or was he just pig ignorant and don’t want to parent.

Both I think.

The irony is I nearly had a nervous breakdown and drove myself insane wondering who he was with/what he was doing when he was never home.

Now he’s home all the time I couldn’t care less - I wish he would piss off with someone else!

I am taking it all in, I really am. You are all helping so much x

I'm worried for you. He is a very dangerous man. Choking and punching you during sex is unforgivable. Please make plans to get away. He is evil

You can and should leave for any and all of those reasons.
I second advice to start looking for a job and also to get some legal advice. I wonder if a women’s aid charity or similar would provide some help? His behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

Jesus, he's absolutely vile OP. You deserve so much better and you are worth so much more than this awful man. You've become used to him so you accept his behaviour but you know it's shitty. Making any big life change is scary and daunting, but you will be so much happier not having to put up with his shit. He does not treat you as an equal partner and he's abusive in every sense of the word. You're still young - get out as soon as you can and start living your life for you and your children, not him. Good luck, you've got this xx

He punches and chokes you. That is severe, serious domestic violence. He could kill you - he might do. Men putting their hands around your neck is a huge red flag. You are in danger with this man.

Everything else in your post is terrible too, and grounds to leave him. But punching and choking is extreme and it is awful and you deserve so much better in life. Get away from him, as soon as you can.

You will need a good solicitor and even then you may not come away with much

I have a friend who had same marriage and she left. She went into rented accommodation and on benefits as had no qualifications - had been a sahm since leaving school pretty much. She didn't get much in the divorce. She is skint, working minimum wage job but she is happier than Iv seen her in years.

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry that you are in this terrible situation. Just to give you a bit of perspective on how life can be here is how my life works:

I am a SAHM too. I haven't worked since my DS was born.

I know about every single penny of our joint money, where it is and how to access it. A lot of our savings are in my name because then we don't have to pay tax on the interest, so DH trusts me to own and manage all our savings in my own single name.

My DH pays the maximum amount into a stakeholder pension in my name and sets up his taxes so I get child benefit and full state pension contributions.
We both have life insurance. We have separate bank accounts. Every month we talk about what money there it and where it is, and work out if we are both happy with the outgoings. I keep my own passport and driving licence and neither of us gets points on our driving licence because we don't break the speed limit.

Our house is in our joint names. We were married before we ever had sex, and we bought our house before our DC was born because we wanted safety and security for everyone, and trust.

About sex: Consent between DH and me is extremely important and we don't do anything that anyone isn't 200% comfortable with. That means both of us, so I don't impose anything on DH or vice versa.

Dh is happy for me to get a job if I want one, but I don't. Likewise if DH wants to change his work circumstances then I am happy to support that.

If we have problems, we book an appointment with a clinical psychologist and work it out.

I hope it helps to explain that because there is a whole lot of bad stuff happening in your relationship that shouldn't be happening. The lack of transparency about money is bad, but the sex stuff is truly awful. That is assault and could put your DH in jail. I don't think you should have to leave and get a job. I think he should be in jail for assault.

I think the lady who warned you to treat carefully in handling this is probably right unfortunately. If your DH is in the habit of punching you then that is very bad indeed. I think it would be good to go quite quietly to a the best lawyer that you can find and take your opening post with you and give it to him/her and ask for help.

Good luck.

LTB.

It’s a horror show and you have normalised it. You’re left with no choice really you have to follow the advice on this thread for your own and your children’s sake. To stay is unthinkable.

Go and see a solicitor - show him your original post.

And yes do this .! That’s an excellent idea when you are stuck for words. .
I also think this is no time to look for a job . You will have a massive financial fight to use your energy on and getting yourself free.

Oh OP, he sounds utterly vile. I know the type and I cannot imagine how wearing being in a relationship with your H must be. It sounds to me like he has been wearing you down and calling the shots for years. It’s no coincidence that the hard child rearing years are over and he’s miraculously now able to work from home.

Unfortunately I think you are right that he would hide all his assets and make things extremely difficult for you. It takes an absolute age to sort out anything before the courts, and there will be a toll on you associated with divorce proceedings. I think you might also want to think about how your DCs will react. Could your H manipulate them in some way to make things worse for you?

That said, I think you have no choice but to divorce him, as the alternative is living the half life you have described until he passes away. It won’t be easy but at least by the end of it you will have your freedom.