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AIBU?

Adult child not wanting to pay their way

491 replies

Cazzalou · 04/01/2024 20:23

18 months ago my daughter spilt up from the BF and moved back home with me.
We agreed that she would pay £500 a month for rent and bills. We live in London.
Now she and BF are back together and are hoping to buy somewhere out in Kent.
She would like to reduce her monthly payments to £300 a month so she can save for the deposit on a new home.
This could take a long time.
Should I agree the reduction or keep it at £500?
Is daughter taking me for a ride?
I'm an almost retired nurse and my monthly income has reduced as I have reduced my working hours to 30 per week.
Am I being mean if I say no?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1966 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
39%
You are NOT being unreasonable
61%
HeckyPeck · 04/01/2024 20:25

It sounds like you need the money so YANBU.

I'm assuming you pay for food, utilities and have to pay extra council tax which might well come to £500 with things the way they are at the moment.

44PumpLane · 04/01/2024 20:25

Do you NEED the extra £200? If not perhaps keep the rent at £500 but (without telling her) put £200 a month I to an ISA or premium bonds.

Then if she is serious about moving out, when she finally does you can help her with any expected nice lump sum.

If you do need it then feel no guilt in charging it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/01/2024 20:27

What’s the commercial value of the deal? What would a lodger pay? How were you managing before she moved in?

Soontobe60 · 04/01/2024 20:27

Presumably you managed without the £500 before she moved back in.

mrsbyers · 04/01/2024 20:28

There are two of them saving I would keep things as they are

Seeline · 04/01/2024 20:30

Soontobe60 · 04/01/2024 20:27

Presumably you managed without the £500 before she moved back in.

But is now having increased energy bills, water bills, possibly lost her single person council tax reduction, and buying extra food.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 04/01/2024 20:30

What are your plans once she moves out? Will you still be able to live there? How much extra is she costing you in terms of food and bills?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/01/2024 20:30

Soontobe60 · 04/01/2024 20:27

Presumably you managed without the £500 before she moved back in.

Well this. Would you have rented her room out had she not moved in? It seems like you are making money out of her.

Tagyoureit · 04/01/2024 20:31

Your post title is very misleading, your daughter is paying but has asked if can reduce her rent so she can save for her future.
If you managed before she moved back in then surely you can once she moves out again so reducing her rent for now wouldn't leave you out of pocket.

Pumpkinpie1 · 04/01/2024 20:31

£500 is low. How much extra are you paying for her living there ?
I would be saving some of the money on her behalf , but you need to also cover your bills.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2024 20:33

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/01/2024 20:30

Well this. Would you have rented her room out had she not moved in? It seems like you are making money out of her.

Only if the daughter showers elsewhere, has no heating in her room, goes to the launderette, showers at the gym and eats out.

Oh and the OP would have had an increase in council tax.

ShoePalaver · 04/01/2024 20:33

Depends how much she's earning and how frugal she is. I wouldn't want to tighten my belt to subsidise someone who is going out drinking etc. Could you compromise at 400 perhaps?

Dacadactyl · 04/01/2024 20:34

No such thing as a free lunch. The relationship between her and her BF doesn't sound the best so I wouldn't want her getting too comfortable with you subbing her.

I'd keep it at 500 if I knew she could afford it, was on a good salary and I needed the money.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/01/2024 20:34

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2024 20:33

Only if the daughter showers elsewhere, has no heating in her room, goes to the launderette, showers at the gym and eats out.

Oh and the OP would have had an increase in council tax.

Hmm, I’d like to see the figures on this. Household cost with dd/household costs without.

Flamingogirl08 · 04/01/2024 20:36

I doubt it's costing £500 extra to have her there so if you can help her out why wouldn't you?

If it genuinely is costing that much extra a month then I guess YANBU.

ilovesooty · 04/01/2024 20:37

I don't see why you should save money for her. She's an adult. If she's going to stay under your roof I think she should continue to pay the £500, not be subsidised by you.

DragonFly98 · 04/01/2024 20:38

I would say food and her part of utility bills etc would come to about £300 plus 25% of council tax so I would charge that amount.

trulyunruly01 · 04/01/2024 20:38

Since they have lived together before, does her bf now stay overnights at yours?
See, I'd go at this from a different angle - have him move in, charge them £600 a month rent, they'd have a decent deposit for a shared ownership house within a year.
Go for a 3 bed house to future proof themselves for a good few years, plenty around Maidstone on the sharetobuy website.
You've already lost your single person council tax discount anyway.

NalafromtheLionKing · 04/01/2024 20:41

I would still charge the £500 but give it all back to her when she’s ready to buy. It’s worth the sacrifice for your DD 😊

HeckyPeck · 04/01/2024 20:43

ShoePalaver · 04/01/2024 20:33

Depends how much she's earning and how frugal she is. I wouldn't want to tighten my belt to subsidise someone who is going out drinking etc. Could you compromise at 400 perhaps?

This is a good point too. If she's genuinely saving and you can afford to help, then you could work out what she costs and just charge that.

If she's not, then I say keep it at £500.

Dacadactyl · 04/01/2024 20:43

How old is this DD? I really don't understand this giving your adult kids huge sums of money thing!! I mean, a reduced rent (which 500 quid in London certainly is) sure, but she's an adult. It's not up to her mum to pay her way for her.

DeeCeeCherry · 04/01/2024 20:45

How did you manage financially before she moved in? How will you manage financially when she moves out? I charge my DD less than £500. She's my daughter, not a lodger so I charge as low as I can. I still work and have always ensured I make enough to comfortably support myself. I wouldn't ever want to be in the position of having to rely on her money for extras. She has now managed to save for a house deposit and she's so grateful. But still, if you can't manage without your DD's money you'll have to stick to £500. Doesn't seem to be any other choice.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 04/01/2024 20:47

She's already only paying 125 a week. Where else could she live for that, let alone less?

She's being a cheeky fucker.

When I lived at home I paid my mum 100-150 pw, depending on what I had each week, and paid for food shopping, and a takeaway and pub meal usually each week. And I saved a deposit.

This cheeky fucker is saving with someone else, and wants to pay less.

She's taking the piss imo.

viques · 04/01/2024 20:49

How much does she earn? £125 pw outgoings on a reasonable salary is peanuts, and she should be able to save in addition to paying you towards her keep. Not to mention that she has already had the advantage of low living costs for the past 18 months.

If the bf is also saving and they are keeping an eye on the rest of their spending, ie not blowing it on weekends away, expensive meals out, masses of new clothes etc , then they should be able to meet savings goals reasonably fast, while at the same time learning that no one gets a free ride in life.

SittingOnTheChair · 04/01/2024 20:52

How old is she?

My son pays £300 pounds a month. However he's 20.

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