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AIBU?

Adult child not wanting to pay their way

491 replies

Cazzalou · 04/01/2024 20:23

18 months ago my daughter spilt up from the BF and moved back home with me.
We agreed that she would pay £500 a month for rent and bills. We live in London.
Now she and BF are back together and are hoping to buy somewhere out in Kent.
She would like to reduce her monthly payments to £300 a month so she can save for the deposit on a new home.
This could take a long time.
Should I agree the reduction or keep it at £500?
Is daughter taking me for a ride?
I'm an almost retired nurse and my monthly income has reduced as I have reduced my working hours to 30 per week.
Am I being mean if I say no?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1966 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
39%
You are NOT being unreasonable
61%
Pinky2121 · 06/01/2024 22:27

Not fair her daughter expects her Mum to reduce the rent. It doesn't sound as if Mum has an 3ndless pit if money to dupport her adult child.

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Pinky2121 · 06/01/2024 22:32

I did not get or expect help from my or my DH parents. I was brought up to be independant and pay my way. Our child was brought up to do the same. Proud to say he has a lovely partner and two lovely children. And has his own house. Makes me so proud.

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Pinky2121 · 06/01/2024 22:51

She reduced her hours as a nurse as she was approaching retirement. I guess nursing doesn't get easier as you get older.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 06/01/2024 23:04

Welshphoenix · 06/01/2024 19:23

Not is it the OP place to fund her adult daughter to the detriment of her retirement funds

EXACTLY!!

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LuckySantangelo35 · 06/01/2024 23:07

maybe OP should delay her retirement in order for her daughter to live with her rent free?

NOT

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Allyliz · 07/01/2024 00:34

Split the difference and charge her 400

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GenevièveSapha · 07/01/2024 02:39

Is the b/f living with you also... ?

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BooneyBeautiful · 07/01/2024 10:33

Cazzalou · 06/01/2024 11:34

I am not a home owner and live in social housing.
Rent is reasonable but I worry about retirement and how I will mange without a regular income in the future.
I'm really grateful for everyone's comments.
Thanks

If you are on a very low income once you retire and don't have more than £20,000 in savings, you will be eligible for Guaranteed Pension Credit. Less than £10,000 in savings means you will get the full amount and between £10,000 and £20,000 it is reduced at a sliding scale.

If you are eligible for the full amount, you will pay no rent and no Council Tax, plus you will get an extra amount on top of your State Pension. This applies wherever you live in the country. This is how it is at the moment, but obviously things could change in the future.

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Readyforrespite · 07/01/2024 10:35

Some people have strange attitudes towards their DC. £500 is mutually beneficial to the two adults living here. Mum is a single mother, renting and it helps her out. DD gets hugely reduced board and lodgings, giving her the opportunity to save.

Surely part of raising a child is teaching them to be an adult.

I wonder if the posters saying they would always financially support their DC are my SILs mother? She looks after her 3 grandchildren multiple times a week, does her DDs ironing, pays for a cleaner for her and gave her a car. They lived with her rent free until their 30s and talk very openly about 'When Mummy dies'. They bitch about Mummy constantly and there's no love there, just a gimmie gimmie gimmie attitude and a DC who would be screwed if Mummy wasn't killing herself to take all adult responsibilities away.

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DriftingDora · 07/01/2024 11:54

Readyforrespite · Today 10:35

I wonder if the posters saying they would always financially support their DC are my SILs mother? She looks after her 3 grandchildren multiple times a week, does her DDs ironing, pays for a cleaner for her and gave her a car. They lived with her rent free until their 30s and talk very openly about 'When Mummy dies'. They bitch about Mummy constantly and there's no love there, just a gimmie gimmie gimmie attitude and a DC who would be screwed if Mummy wasn't killing herself to take all adult responsibilities away.

Your SIL and her husband sound real charmers, but this is not uncommon. The OP's daughter needs to learn that people have to pay their way in life - perhaps if she can live more cheaply elsewhere she should exercise the privilege of doing so. I somehow doubt she will.

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Mintyt · 07/01/2024 11:59

You need to make sure you are not making a profit or a loss buy your daughter being there. Your rent or mortgage would be the same regardless. So she needs to cover her increase in utilities, do you cook together or does she buy her own. Is she using your washing powder and fabric softener. My daughter and BF lived with me and they paid their way but I did not profit. They have their own property now and I don't miss the money, but I di miss them

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43ontherocksporfavor · 07/01/2024 12:02

The idea is that children grow up and move on with their own life. By paying for everything you are delaying that last leap as they’ll never want to pay anything and you’ll have them at home for much longer.

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43ontherocksporfavor · 07/01/2024 12:05

I have one DD paying £900 pcm to rent in London with friends. Other DD20 works full time. We ask for £150 pm contribution towards food and bills. We don’t have a mortgage and don’t need the money but feel it’s right that she contributes as we all work full time and I cook most nights( she cooks one meal for us a week ) and I do her laundry etc . We could ask for more but won’t yet until her earnings increase. We have family Spotify and Netflix that we pay.They pay for their own phones.

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Tumbleweed101 · 07/01/2024 12:18

I would keep it as it is for now. Are they saving for a house deposit or a rental deposit? If it is a house deposit they could be staying with you a long time and you can't subsidise another adult for years.

My 23yo pays £300 a month. There are four of us here. Myself, her and her younger sisters. I still get a bit of UC support for her sisters. £300 is roughly a quarter of the basic shared outgoings such as rent, utilities, food etc (not including my car and other personal outgoings). If my rent or council tax was higher she'd have to pay more though.

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Sawitch · 07/01/2024 13:50

A lot of people have said that it can’t cost much to house an adult child. Here’s the monthly breakdown I use with my adult DS. He is 37 and no sign of him moving out, ever!
Council tax 25% as I would otherwise get a single occupancy discount - £70,
half of fuel bills £100, half of the shopping and other household items £135, half of the water and sewerage bills £20, resident parking permit £20, contributions to car and household insurance £30, contribution to internet/TV £25. £400 total and it would cost him a lot more to rent three rooms and pay all his own bills, so he doesn’t have a bad deal!

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Howtofryanegg · 07/01/2024 13:56

Sawitch · 07/01/2024 13:50

A lot of people have said that it can’t cost much to house an adult child. Here’s the monthly breakdown I use with my adult DS. He is 37 and no sign of him moving out, ever!
Council tax 25% as I would otherwise get a single occupancy discount - £70,
half of fuel bills £100, half of the shopping and other household items £135, half of the water and sewerage bills £20, resident parking permit £20, contributions to car and household insurance £30, contribution to internet/TV £25. £400 total and it would cost him a lot more to rent three rooms and pay all his own bills, so he doesn’t have a bad deal!

That makes a difference, if he is 37 and has been living there since he was a child he certainly should be paying a lot.

I feel an adult child who has spent decades in their parents house should be charged differently (more) than someone who is using it as a stopgap to quickly save for their own house.

It’s like for example if I had a friend stay in my spare room for a couple of months I wouldn’t charge as long as they bought their own food, and made a contribution to the energy bill but if it was a longer arrangement I would expect to go halves on rent, broadband, parking etc.

edit: oops didn’t mean to quote the whole post.

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BassoContinuo · 07/01/2024 14:00

43ontherocksporfavor · 07/01/2024 12:02

The idea is that children grow up and move on with their own life. By paying for everything you are delaying that last leap as they’ll never want to pay anything and you’ll have them at home for much longer.

But if you charge them less they can save more and move out sooner! Depends on the person involved, I guess.

My parents didn’t charge me rent as such, but I bought (and cooked) my own food, sorted out my own toiletries and paid for any phone calls I made. I think I may have also paid a bit towards the electric bill, can’t remember. Their reasoning was that I wasn’t actually costing them any extra for other bills, but they did ask that I was saving at least 50% of my salary. Which seemed very fair!

I’d had practice budgeting at university so not as though I needed some big life lesson in budgeting, either.

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Honeychickpea · 07/01/2024 14:17

43ontherocksporfavor · 07/01/2024 12:02

The idea is that children grow up and move on with their own life. By paying for everything you are delaying that last leap as they’ll never want to pay anything and you’ll have them at home for much longer.

I suspect that is the goal of many of the "never expect my CHILD to pay their way" brigade. Infantalize as long as possible so mummy doesn't have an empty nest.

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Umbrella15 · 07/01/2024 14:44

£500 a month seems an awful lot to charge. Thats my morgage a month. Surely her living there isnt costing you that much extra

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Littlenix · 07/01/2024 15:14

Yes the cost of living has gone up but it’s gone up for everyone and everything including your daughter. What was your plan for managing money wise before daughter moved back? -Because she’s your daughter not a lodger. Yes she’s an adult but she’s reducing her payment to you in order to better herself and make her own way in life and get her own place. She’s going to take longer in doing so if you don’t help her out. It really depends on her actual income though and her outgoings, whether you think she can comfortably give you the £500 as well as save for a place of her own.if it were me I would want her to have enough for her to save for her own place and life anyway regardless of a boyfriend and whether or not I was struggling on my own.

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coffeeaddict77 · 07/01/2024 15:15

Honeychickpea · 07/01/2024 14:17

I suspect that is the goal of many of the "never expect my CHILD to pay their way" brigade. Infantalize as long as possible so mummy doesn't have an empty nest.

I don't think anyone has said the DC shouldn't be charged at all though. Some people just think she should be charged for the extra costs rather than making a profit. Given the DC is saving up to buy a house, charging her more rent than necessary to cover extra costs will keep her at home for longer rather than for less time. Also the DC is a 26 year old teacher so I doubt that she is infantilized.

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Heidi75 · 07/01/2024 15:23

Soontobe60 · 04/01/2024 20:27

Presumably you managed without the £500 before she moved back in.

presumably she didn't use twice as much electricity, water, or food before either

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Julimia · 07/01/2024 16:50

Exactly what i was goingbto suggest

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Crafthead · 07/01/2024 17:14

My daughter pays a very cheap £650 a month to rent a small room in an HMO high rise ex council flat in Hackney with no heating or proper ventilation or even a window in her room, which appears to have previously been a communal amenity area that's now walled in and not originally part of the flat at all. £500 inclusive is a gift and is not anywhere near market rate for a room in London, without bills even being considered.

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coffeeaddict77 · 08/01/2024 00:00

Crafthead · 07/01/2024 17:14

My daughter pays a very cheap £650 a month to rent a small room in an HMO high rise ex council flat in Hackney with no heating or proper ventilation or even a window in her room, which appears to have previously been a communal amenity area that's now walled in and not originally part of the flat at all. £500 inclusive is a gift and is not anywhere near market rate for a room in London, without bills even being considered.

Landlords are running a business to make a profit. OP isn't a landlord so completely irrelevant.

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