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Adult child not wanting to pay their way

491 replies

Cazzalou · 04/01/2024 20:23

18 months ago my daughter spilt up from the BF and moved back home with me.
We agreed that she would pay £500 a month for rent and bills. We live in London.
Now she and BF are back together and are hoping to buy somewhere out in Kent.
She would like to reduce her monthly payments to £300 a month so she can save for the deposit on a new home.
This could take a long time.
Should I agree the reduction or keep it at £500?
Is daughter taking me for a ride?
I'm an almost retired nurse and my monthly income has reduced as I have reduced my working hours to 30 per week.
Am I being mean if I say no?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1966 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
Mariposistaa · 04/01/2024 21:32

Put it aside for her for the next time they break up. She will need it.

OhmygodDont · 04/01/2024 21:32

Unless you would be renting her room to a lodger then I think £500 is too much knowing she is wanting to actively save.

If you wouldn’t be renting to a lodger then what exactly are you planning to do once she leaves because I don’t see how one extra body in the house actually costs £500.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/01/2024 21:33

Based on the info on your update, I would definitely keep it at £500. I think she's being a bit cheeky, considering her BF stays so much at your house.

Riverstep · 04/01/2024 21:34

We wouldn't charge anything if our dc’s were saving up for a house deposit but realise not everyone is in a position to do that. Perhaps meet in the middle and charge £400 if you need the money.

literalviolence · 04/01/2024 21:34

I don't think you've given enough info to judge tbh.

Some people say 'rent' when they mean 'rent, bills and food' and some people don't. Does this cover all bills and all food? That could easily, just to set you square cost £300 plus maybe more if the BF eats with you too. I do think it's reasonable to also pay towards wear and tear (e.g. the washing machine will break quicker cos DD is using it), so in that instance, maybe £300 is too little.

But if this is literally just rent, and in addition she pays her share of the bills and buys her own food, then personally I'd think she might have a bit of a point (unless you're renting anyway and would move to a smaller place if she was not there or unless you'd rent her room out to help make ends meet if she were not there).

Can't offer much with so little info.

OpalOrchid · 04/01/2024 21:37

Why would you charge her 500 in the first place? Does it cost 500 for her to live with you?

saraclara · 04/01/2024 21:38

My daughter moved back in with me under similar circumstances and at a similar age. She bought her own food and would often buy shared basic items when she saw that we needed them.
Beyond that, she paid the extra council tax amount and regularly treated me to coffees or lunches.

My house wasn't heated any differently because she was here. If there was any increase in electricity from her charging her phone or laptop, I can't imagine that it was a concerning amount. And during that period she saved like a demon to be able to get her own place. Anything she bought for herself, toiletries etc, was at the lowest possible cost. She didn't go out much, and certainly didn't waste a penny.

So no, I didn't ask for anything more. Paying the council tax came from her suggestion, as did anything else she contributed. I'm sure that if she had to move in now, the cost to me wouldn't be anything like £500 a month.

Sallyh87 · 04/01/2024 21:39

Depends if you need it or not.

Flossieskeeper · 04/01/2024 21:39

£125 a week for full food and board for an adult is very reasonable for the north of the country let alone London. Especially with bf staying 2-3 times ‘/ week. I wouldn’t reduce it no. As a teacher she is likely to have approximately £1000/month disposable income after tax and board . If she wants to save she will. I’d also view it as good practice for owning a house. Mortgages don’t reduce because you want to save for something.

Hyppyb · 04/01/2024 21:41

It doesn't sound like your daughter is taking you for a ride, in your original post you don't say she's insisting on paying you less or being difficult. I think you need to ask for a fair amount, like a percentage of her salary. Like someone on £50k a year £300 a month is pennies. Also only you know your outgoings and incomings , what it costs having her at home, so only you can know what's fair.

OpalOrchid · 04/01/2024 21:44

I'm pretty sure it doesn't cost the OP £500 extra in living expenses because her daughter is living there.

Bs0u416d · 04/01/2024 21:44

Could you charge her £500 and keep back £200 in an account to give back to her when she leave? That way, you know your generosity is translating into a useful sum of money for her, rather than risking her frittering it away. I'm sure you want to help give her a leg if you possibly can?

Mostlyoblivious · 04/01/2024 21:49

No, she is the higher earner and has a longer earning potential than you. She is taking advantage whether she realises it or not. She should be able to save plenty from her salary whilst paying you £500p/m. Her mortgage will be much higher. Don’t feel bad. You’ve worked very hard to be in a position where you can offer your daughter a heavily subsidised rent and board

Bellavida99 · 04/01/2024 21:51

I think £500 is a lot. We charge our son £50 a month as feel this covers the cost of his ridiculously long showers. Almost everything else isn’t increased with him living here. He doesn’t eat many meals at home and buys us the odd takeaway which probably equals the food he eats here. By charging only this he is managing to run a car and save £1200 a month towards a house so we are happy with this. I think supporting your child’s ability to save for their future is important

San141 · 04/01/2024 21:55

£50 pm?? Wow..that's like £12 p.w!!

purplehotdogs · 04/01/2024 21:56

£500 a month surey barely covers her food and bills, if it even does cover them. It would be lovely if you could afford to subsidise her, but if you can't then you can't. She's already on a very sweet deal, if she had to move out even into a houseshare there is no way she'd get rent and bills for £500. I paid £400 living in a rural county with my parents a few years ago and thought that was a good deal for me then - as I told them, I knew they couldn't afford to give me a cash handout for a house deposit but them subsidising me and enabling me to save so much faster for a house deposit felt just as good and valuable. Ignore previous posters who say otherwise, she earns more than you and is an adult who now has to pay her way in life. It is what it is.

Josette77 · 04/01/2024 22:00

Is the issue it costs you more than that to have her, or that you feel she is taking advantage?

Personally, I would do it if I could afford it.

Epidote · 04/01/2024 22:01

I would be more concerned about you daughter been back with and ex than about the 200 pounds.

Regarding the money, if you need it YANBU. How much does she plans to save month? The 200 pounds of the discount she is asking for?

I don't know it could be legit, or a bit on the CF side. You know her best.

CatOnTheLap · 04/01/2024 22:01

Dacadactyl · 04/01/2024 21:06

@Flamingogirl08 I also agree that I'd charge a token rent (as my parents did for me...for context i paid 200 a month in the South to my parents 16 years ago). By my reckoning, 500 a month in London IS a token rent now.

I paid £200 a month THIRTY years ago when I was a teen in the south east, so I agree with you that £500 is a token rent.

Lighrbulbmo · 04/01/2024 22:03

Keep as it is, two of them are saving, she’s not carrying all the responsibility to save. £500 pm is cheap.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 04/01/2024 22:06

Definitely not unreasonable OP especially as her BF stays 2-3 nights a week. So that's 2 hot showers a day, plus heating for their room, more cooking, washer/dryer going, laundry etc etc. I'd be tempted to ask for more if BF stays for half the week! I think they're getting off lightly. She'll be on a good salary as a teacher in London so it's not as if she can't afford it. Look after yourself OP, you shouldn't have to worry about paying extra bills for your DD and her BF to stay.

Awayday16 · 04/01/2024 22:07

Cazzalou · 04/01/2024 21:23

She is 26 and is a teacher on a better salary than me.
BF stays 2-3 nights a week.
I feel that I've been happy helping them over last 18 months and £500 a month in London is a bargain.
I would love to be in the position of letting them stay rent free but I do feel like I'm being a bit of a door mat.

She is being incredibly rude, especially since her BF stays over 2-3 nights per week AND she earns more than you!

Surely he contributes extra to cover staying with you? If not, I'm afraid you really are being taken for a ride.

Keep to this agreement, it is up to both of them to cut their own cloth accordingly by reducing any unnecessary expenses. If they are not happy, suggest they find alternative accommodation elsewhere.


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verdantverdure · 04/01/2024 22:08

I can't imagine the daughter can live anywhere else for £500 a month.

Her living there costs her mum money.

If that's for all bills and food she's getting a bargain, even more so if her boyfriend eats or showers there.

I shouldn't think mum is making anything with the price of food and energy and losing the single person supplement on council tax.

You might skimp on food, heating or hot water for yourself but your kids and their guests are a different matter so her being there is also probably stopping mum from choosing to economise.

MassiveOvaryaction · 04/01/2024 22:08

How will you afford to live when she moves out?

DelphiniumBlue · 04/01/2024 22:08

I don't think you'll be breaking even on £300 pm if that is supposed to include food and her share of all bills.
It depends on all sorts of things, but I notice my fuel bill increases dramatically for each additional person, especially if they take long showers, have radiators on in their room, do a couple of laundry loads a week, watch the big TV or have monitors and computers. Over Christmas it looked like a 2-3 pounds per day, per person at least. You'll also have increased council tax, possibly water, and so on.
I agreed £350 pm with DS for me to break even, and he pays for odd bits of shopping and the occasional takeaway too. That's with minimal toiletries and Aldi shopping. But actually that's not enough with CoL, and I think I am subbing him slightly. That's OK as he is saving and does live quite cheaply, rarely goes out. If you want to sub your DD that's fine, but just make sure you and she knows exactly how much it does cost to keep her at home.

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