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AIBU?

Adult child not wanting to pay their way

491 replies

Cazzalou · 04/01/2024 20:23

18 months ago my daughter spilt up from the BF and moved back home with me.
We agreed that she would pay £500 a month for rent and bills. We live in London.
Now she and BF are back together and are hoping to buy somewhere out in Kent.
She would like to reduce her monthly payments to £300 a month so she can save for the deposit on a new home.
This could take a long time.
Should I agree the reduction or keep it at £500?
Is daughter taking me for a ride?
I'm an almost retired nurse and my monthly income has reduced as I have reduced my working hours to 30 per week.
Am I being mean if I say no?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1966 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
39%
You are NOT being unreasonable
61%
Ponderingwindow · 04/01/2024 22:08

I would want two things

  1. that her contribution to the household cover the cost of her living there

  2. that you have a written agreement of exactly how much she is going to save each month and she sticks to that agreement. If you want you can even have her pay it into an account that you can see. You can set the amount to be in-line with what she would pay if she was paying market rent. By living in your home, she should be able to save an extremely large amount of money very quickly.


    so often in these arrangements people still save a pittance and it’s easy for the hosts to feel that the generosity is not appreciated. The saving should be at least what would be paid in market rent at minimum, plus maybe even more on top of that through frugality. If your daughter understands that, then I would help her reach her goal. If she balks, then she is going to waste the opportunity and I wouldn’t bother with the inconvenience.
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DelphiniumBlue · 04/01/2024 22:10

Oh, just seen that BF stays over 2-3 nights a week and she earns more than you! In that case £500 seems very reasonable.

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spriots · 04/01/2024 22:10

I think some posters massively underestimate the costs.

The extra food alone is probably costing £200/month

Once you count council tax and bills, I can quite easily see it being £500/month

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verdantverdure · 04/01/2024 22:11

My younger sibling paid £400 a month in similar circumstances donkeys years ago

(For reference)

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Theunamedcat · 04/01/2024 22:12

£500 take it ir leave it especially with the bf staying almost half the week

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Viviennemary · 04/01/2024 22:14

It all depends what amount of money covers the extra expense of having her stay with you. I don't think you should be out of pocket if you don't have a lot of money yourself.

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jannier · 04/01/2024 22:15

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/01/2024 20:30

Well this. Would you have rented her room out had she not moved in? It seems like you are making money out of her.

As a previous poster said the op has lost concessions on council tax bills are higher and if bf has moved in a lot more on food. A room in Brent is £760 no food.

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jannier · 04/01/2024 22:16

Bellyblueboy · 04/01/2024 20:57

I have always worked on the basis family members don’t pay ‘rent’ they contribute to the extra cost they impose. Unless you really need the money.

in terms of food and bills does she consume £500 worth?

i contributed to bills when I lived at home and was working - but I certainly didn’t pay the market rate for a house share - because I was sleeping in my childhood bedroom and living with my parents!

£500 is no where near the going rent in London

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verdantverdure · 04/01/2024 22:16

Also my sibling is now paying £2500 a month for what she laughingly calls her "garret" in East London and another youngster in the family is renting a room for £900 a month with bills but not food included and considers it a bargain.

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verdantverdure · 04/01/2024 22:20

Bellyblueboy · 04/01/2024 20:57

I have always worked on the basis family members don’t pay ‘rent’ they contribute to the extra cost they impose. Unless you really need the money.

in terms of food and bills does she consume £500 worth?

i contributed to bills when I lived at home and was working - but I certainly didn’t pay the market rate for a house share - because I was sleeping in my childhood bedroom and living with my parents!

£500 a month is about half the market rate I reckon. Not including food.

To be honest, in London you can probably pay £500 a month for a parking space.

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alwaysmovingforwards · 04/01/2024 22:22

Unless I was on the breadline I'd charge her nothing, I'd see it as a helping hand and an investment - the quicker she saves up, the quicker she moves out.
Plus I'd say no partner staying over in my house pls as part of that condition. She'll not like that at all, but it will focus her on getting out asap.

Charging her the £500/mth with your current set up stops her saving but it dies allow her to sleep with BF half the week - you then can't be surprised when her and BF are still with you in 5 years time... which personally I'd not want.

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Honeychickpea · 04/01/2024 22:22

44PumpLane · 04/01/2024 20:25

Do you NEED the extra £200? If not perhaps keep the rent at £500 but (without telling her) put £200 a month I to an ISA or premium bonds.

Then if she is serious about moving out, when she finally does you can help her with any expected nice lump sum.

If you do need it then feel no guilt in charging it.

I suspect the OP needs the 200 pounds a lot more than her daughter does

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Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 04/01/2024 22:24

If you are facing hardship as a result, I would say your dc is being selfish and unreasonable! If it's costing you more than 300pm to host her then she's got to pay her way!!
It's that simple 😌 x

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Runningwater1 · 04/01/2024 22:24

@Cazzalou a couple of questions for the sake of context-
do you plan to stay in London after you retire? If so will you rent out rooms for income?
do you have a mortgage?
do you have concerns about your daughter’s partner? Such that you wouldn’t like to see her buy a house in Kent with him?
Does he earn more than her?
are you charging her 500 because you need it or because you feel taken advantage of?

would want to know some of the above to say whether I thought you were being unreasonable, but on the face of it you might be glad to give her a break or pass on some of your wealth now to help her to buy if you can. Most people who make it in this world these days have had serious help from a parent, you don’t have to do this of course if you’re not in a position to do it, but if you’re not helping on principle I think there’s a fair chance you might regret it

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mottytotty · 04/01/2024 22:25

YANBU, I paid my mum £300pm rent 15 years ago. With a cost of living crisis, high energy and food bills, and the fact that her boyfriend stays 3 nights a week, £500 is reasonable, especially as she earns more than you.

She can still save plenty for a deposit.

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verdantverdure · 04/01/2024 22:25

I just looked at rooms in a shared flat in Hackney and going rate looks like about £1000 with some on there for £1200 or £1300 a month.

A couple were a bit cheaper but not much, and not many.

Adult child not wanting to pay their way
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muchalover · 04/01/2024 22:28

Sometimes you have to put boundaries in for someone who won't.

She is an adult and her savings shouldn't cost you.

You are not making money off of her, as a previous poster ridiculously stated, she is facing the responsibilities that come in adulthood.

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Scrantonicity2 · 04/01/2024 22:29

Not the point I know but having split up with her BF once is it really the best thing to be committing to a mortgage together?

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verdantverdure · 04/01/2024 22:30

mottytotty · 04/01/2024 22:25

YANBU, I paid my mum £300pm rent 15 years ago. With a cost of living crisis, high energy and food bills, and the fact that her boyfriend stays 3 nights a week, £500 is reasonable, especially as she earns more than you.

She can still save plenty for a deposit.

Maybe ten or eleven years ago my dad worked out how much he thought my sibling would cost them if she moved back in and charged her that. (£400 pcm)

He says he underestimated. Grin

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Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 04/01/2024 22:31

Eerrmm, if her bf also staying. You are not prepared to subsidise this!! Give kids an inch.....

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Paddleboarder · 04/01/2024 22:34

My son had a small and terrible room in London recently and it was £1000 per month. He hated it.

If you need the money, or feel like you don't have as much disposable income due to her being there, I think £500 is not too much. She is 26 now, not 18, and should be able to save on her salary as well as pay reasonable rent. You deserve to be able to do the things you like and to have enough money to do so. Also, it depends on how dedicated to saving she is, and how long it takes them to get together a deposit. If they are half-hearted about it then it will take forever. I like to economise as much as I can, and when my son is here I won't let him put the heating on unless it's within the times I'd usually have it on! It can soon add up.

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mottytotty · 04/01/2024 22:35

verdantverdure · 04/01/2024 22:30

Maybe ten or eleven years ago my dad worked out how much he thought my sibling would cost them if she moved back in and charged her that. (£400 pcm)

He says he underestimated. Grin

Sounds about right Grin

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tachetastic · 04/01/2024 22:36

Cazzalou · 04/01/2024 21:23

She is 26 and is a teacher on a better salary than me.
BF stays 2-3 nights a week.
I feel that I've been happy helping them over last 18 months and £500 a month in London is a bargain.
I would love to be in the position of letting them stay rent free but I do feel like I'm being a bit of a door mat.

I think 500 per month including all bills is a bargain. Does this include much of her food?

The average teacher's salary in London is 35k. Discounting this to 30k because of her age, that would still leave her with over 2000 a month after tax.

She would be lucky to get change from that for a one bedroom flat in a reasonable area of London with all bills and council tax on top, and then she would have to do her own cooking/cleaning/laundry which I am guessing you are at least helping out with too? I agree with helping your kids out when you can, but this feels like a scenario where you are already helping her out quite a lot and you probably need the money as much as she does.

I say keep her rent at 500 and, if you can afford it, put anything that is left to one side without telling her, and maybe give it back to her when she moves out to help with getting the new place ready/decorating/new baby costs etc. That way she isn't taking you for a ride to the extent that there is no incentive for her ever to move out (though that may be the case even with a rent of 500 a month), but you maybe don't feel that you are making a profit out of your daughter.

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whynotwhatknot · 04/01/2024 22:36

if shes saving from scratch(where does the bf live) it would still take her years to save a deposit and 500 isnt alot to pay you anyway

you cant liv ein london for much under a grand these days

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verdantverdure · 04/01/2024 22:36

Scrantonicity2 · 04/01/2024 22:29

Not the point I know but having split up with her BF once is it really the best thing to be committing to a mortgage together?

I was kind of wondering if this idea had come from the boyfriend.

Surely she must have a sizeable amount left from her take home pay if most of her living expenses are covered by just £500 a month?!

Our mortgage payment has gone up by more than that thanks to the Tories.

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