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AIBU?

Adult child not wanting to pay their way

491 replies

Cazzalou · 04/01/2024 20:23

18 months ago my daughter spilt up from the BF and moved back home with me.
We agreed that she would pay £500 a month for rent and bills. We live in London.
Now she and BF are back together and are hoping to buy somewhere out in Kent.
She would like to reduce her monthly payments to £300 a month so she can save for the deposit on a new home.
This could take a long time.
Should I agree the reduction or keep it at £500?
Is daughter taking me for a ride?
I'm an almost retired nurse and my monthly income has reduced as I have reduced my working hours to 30 per week.
Am I being mean if I say no?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1966 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
39%
You are NOT being unreasonable
61%
Runningwater1 · 04/01/2024 23:43

@Howtofryanegg i agree it’s cultural, but I think it breeds a resentment in people, even white British people. I believe it’s partially why people now put their parents into some grim situations rather than bring them into their family home when they need care. Never met an “adult child” yet who genuinely appreciates these life lessons in fairness and financial management. There are a few on here though so maybe I run in ungrateful circles.

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JazbayGrapes · 04/01/2024 23:45

It’s cultural to some extent I believe. My mum didn’t have a lot of money and was a single parent but she didn’t charge us although we did voluntarily help out at times and we bought our own food although she bought food for the house too. I’ve noticed my friends from similar cultural backgrounds had the same experience whereas my friends who had white British parents tended to charge them and were quite rigid about getting money.

It is cultural. Where I am from, parents wouldn't charge rent, however, gradually delegate the running of the household to the kids, so they can sort of retire from their responsibilities.

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NicholJO · 04/01/2024 23:56

Yes op you definitely being a doormat she's 26. yes your her mum I live in Leicester rent at the moment is not to bad for my 3 bed house same as you I'm a nurse at LRI my daughter split temporary with her bf I told her half to rent 25 to gas 25 to electricity she brought her own food mainly but a couple of times a week we would have dinner together and chat when her bf started staying over I told her he pays or he's out x

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Billsareexpensive · 04/01/2024 23:56

I have 2 adult children living with me. The older one, age 24, pays £300 pcm. The younger one, age 18, pays around £200 pcm. That includes food and all bills and we live in the south.
I would reduce the amount if you can afford it, or agree to put £200 into a savings account from the £500, but considering the bf is also staying for half the week, I think £500 is probably reasonable if it includes food.

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Newestname002 · 04/01/2024 23:59

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/01/2024 21:33

Based on the info on your update, I would definitely keep it at £500. I think she's being a bit cheeky, considering her BF stays so much at your house.

Yes to this. Your daughter earns more than you OP - I wonder what her boyfriend, who often stays half the week with you, also earns. Don't let your wanting to help your daughter result in you being, even unintentionally, taken advantage of. 🌹

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Gymnopedie · 05/01/2024 00:13

So she was paying £500 a month when it was just her. Now the bf is back on the scene again he stays a few nights a week, adding to OP's expense. And the DD thinks that now is a good time to ask to pay only 60% of what she was before. Erm, no.

The DD earns more than the OP and she'd be lucky to get a room in a house share for £500 a month, let alone with all bills covered. You help your adult DC if they need it and if you can afford to. You don't sell yourself short when they don't and you can't.

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verdantverdure · 05/01/2024 00:27

Gymnopedie · 05/01/2024 00:13

So she was paying £500 a month when it was just her. Now the bf is back on the scene again he stays a few nights a week, adding to OP's expense. And the DD thinks that now is a good time to ask to pay only 60% of what she was before. Erm, no.

The DD earns more than the OP and she'd be lucky to get a room in a house share for £500 a month, let alone with all bills covered. You help your adult DC if they need it and if you can afford to. You don't sell yourself short when they don't and you can't.

I think it's impossible to rent a room in London for £500 a month.

Anywhere I'm familiar with it's a grand a month, often for a cell-like single room with a wardrobe partially blocking the window and sharing with 5-8 other people.

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verdantverdure · 05/01/2024 00:31

Billsareexpensive · 04/01/2024 23:56

I have 2 adult children living with me. The older one, age 24, pays £300 pcm. The younger one, age 18, pays around £200 pcm. That includes food and all bills and we live in the south.
I would reduce the amount if you can afford it, or agree to put £200 into a savings account from the £500, but considering the bf is also staying for half the week, I think £500 is probably reasonable if it includes food.

The way I look at it the OP is saving her daughter upwards of £500 a month compared with renting a room in a shared house. Would you say you're saving your two a similar amount? More? Less? And how much do they actually cost?

A lot depends on your finances. A single mum in London counting down to retirement might be in a different financial situation to you and not able to bear the living costs of her 26 year old daughter who earns more than she does.

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KarenNotAKaren · 05/01/2024 00:38

I think £500 for what is essentially a room is quite steep even for London. Id do the right thing and charge her less

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Sunnydays0101 · 05/01/2024 00:41

Definitely don’t reduce it down, stick to the £500 a month, it’s more than reasonable.

What measures is she taking herself to save a deposit - socialising less, eating out less, buying less clothes, less holidays ?? Or is she just expecting most of her savings to come from her proposed rent reduction ?

Don’t agree to it.

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verdantverdure · 05/01/2024 00:44

KarenNotAKaren · 05/01/2024 00:38

I think £500 for what is essentially a room is quite steep even for London. Id do the right thing and charge her less

Tell landlords in London.

8-10 years ago you could probably rent a one bed flat for £1000-a month.

Now that's what a rented room costs in the parts I'm familiar with. Often a single room. Sharing kitchens and bathrooms with up to 10 strangers.

Adult child not wanting to pay their way
Adult child not wanting to pay their way
Adult child not wanting to pay their way
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Sunnydays0101 · 05/01/2024 00:45

KarenNotAKaren · 05/01/2024 00:38

I think £500 for what is essentially a room is quite steep even for London. Id do the right thing and charge her less

Really? A comfortable room in a comfortable home with just one other adult, presumably free run of the house with bills included ?

For less than £125 a week?

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penjil · 05/01/2024 01:04

"Now she and BF are back together and are hoping to buy somewhere out in Kent."

Out? Out in Kent?

You make it sound like the Outer Hebrides!

How about "somewhere in Kent". 👍😁

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penjil · 05/01/2024 01:06

What will you do for money when she moves out?

Will your pension have kicked in by then and will it cover the £500 per month?

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Busy75 · 05/01/2024 01:18

We live in London. Our 27 yo DD moved out two months ago. She’s renting a flat in London, not sharing.

We were a household of five before she moved out. Two school aged children at home. Adult DD had the loft room with her own ensuite shower room. We charged her 30% of her monthly salary. She bought her some of her own food, snacks and sometimes cooked her own meals. We asked DD to start doing her own laundry a couple of years after leaving Uni. She lived at home whilst attending Uni in Central London.

DD’s 30% household contribution went into a pot, which we’re planning to give back to her as a deposit on a property.

I’ve worked since I was 14. DD started working at 16. DH at 16.

OP - In your financial situation, you should also be charging the BF as he’s living at your house 2-3 times a week!

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mottytotty · 05/01/2024 01:21

penjil · 05/01/2024 01:06

What will you do for money when she moves out?

Will your pension have kicked in by then and will it cover the £500 per month?

I’m guessing OP will get single person council tax discount as will save money on food and bills.

She could also get a lodger.

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justanothermanicmonday1 · 05/01/2024 01:21

Flamingogirl08 · 04/01/2024 20:54

God some people on this thread really are against helping out their adult kids aren't they.

I thought it was just me.

😩

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Frangipanyoul8r · 05/01/2024 01:56

I wouldn’t charge my children for anything other than to cover utilities if they occupied a room I wouldn’t otherwise be renting out and making money on. You’re profiting from her being there whether you charge £300 or £500, she isn’t taking you for a ride. You’re the one taking advantage of her financial situation. I doubt she wants to be living at home at her age.

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verdantverdure · 05/01/2024 02:10

Frangipanyoul8r · 05/01/2024 01:56

I wouldn’t charge my children for anything other than to cover utilities if they occupied a room I wouldn’t otherwise be renting out and making money on. You’re profiting from her being there whether you charge £300 or £500, she isn’t taking you for a ride. You’re the one taking advantage of her financial situation. I doubt she wants to be living at home at her age.

She's at a perfect liberty to go and rent one of those £1000 a month single bedrooms in a shared house with no reception rooms isn't she?

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mottytotty · 05/01/2024 02:11

Frangipanyoul8r · 05/01/2024 01:56

I wouldn’t charge my children for anything other than to cover utilities if they occupied a room I wouldn’t otherwise be renting out and making money on. You’re profiting from her being there whether you charge £300 or £500, she isn’t taking you for a ride. You’re the one taking advantage of her financial situation. I doubt she wants to be living at home at her age.

Do you have any concept of what life is like for many people or do you think everyone lives in your little bubble?

No one cares that you wouldn’t charge your dc, you are not the OP, you are not in her shoes.

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monyk12 · 05/01/2024 02:13

Please let me explain, is really important that I perhaps explain a bit, but I do not think is priviledged.

My parents and also my husband parents supported us to get excellent education and payed for our tuition as well as helping in the early stages of our careers.

For me and my now husband, our parents provided, each.
During University: Pocket Money and Rent, me in turn I got scholarships and distinctions
Early stages of my career: Rent. Me - saved fiercely and in 2 years I bought my first appartment. My parents gave a significant amount towards deposit money.

Then fast forward getting married:
Parents payed for honeymoon; no cost on their end for our wedding; wedding gift went all exclusively in pension savings.
Me and husband saved and bought a larger apartment before getting married, whilst his apartment was on rent and both were in good jobs; We took our parents toghether in one trip/year payed exclusively by us, as a rule.

When Baby arrived:
Each of our parents opened a Junior Bank Account and placed a very significant amount there;
We opened a Junior Bank Account for our DD with a very reasonable amount and we save each month too.
We bought our first House in central London, parents payed for stamp duty and furnished all house;
We go each year in one holiday toghether and we pay for that exclusively.
I pay private insurance for my parents and my husband for his. I oferr 200£/PM to my parents and this is just a little help to ensure they can enjoy their pension. I invite them for dinner at least twice a month and we go out at least once a month. I take my mum to all her medical appointments.
My mom drops and picks my daughter from school voluntarily as she absolutely adore my DD.

And now, yes, we are in a good job, but that;s because our parents sacriced for us almost half of their life. This is not privileged, it was a sacrifice on their end. Also, see example for my husband, same case.

Going back to the original poster:
An almost retired nurse has a salary that is approaching £57,102£ and that is just for a basic nurse with no additional qualifications.
She said she reduced her hours to 30pw, so let's just presume a very low salary as alleged. Bare in mind that nursing staff have a lot of benefits: time off after shifts in which you have time to get extra work (one relative that is a dialisis nurse makes a wooping 150.000£ after taxes from locuming, this is because she works a lot). Let's just assume that OP has restrictions that cannot let her work extensively - at least she can work an extra premium shift to boost her income, there is always staff shortage - she can do as she pleases with that money.
Also, now, how she will manage after her daughter her will move with her BF? Will she take a lodger or move out to downsize?

Is not yet clear if the OP has issues with the behaviour of her daughter or she simply cannot afford to live in that area alone.

I am not saying that all the parents should/can do the same, but at least family should come before money and there are always ways to solve a problem.

I do hope OP finds a good solution for her and her daughter.

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verdantverdure · 05/01/2024 02:17

penjil · 05/01/2024 01:06

What will you do for money when she moves out?

Will your pension have kicked in by then and will it cover the £500 per month?

I'd imagine, get the single person council tax rebate and use less than half the hot water heat and food etc because she won't have to live to please someone else, having the heat and hot water used at different times, buying different food. Or drying three sets of towels etc.

My dad said you could really see it in their energy and shopping bills when my sister moved out.

They had charged her £400 a month based on what they thought she'd add to their costs. And my dad said it was an underestimate of the actual cost.

Ten or eleven years ago.

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ilovesooty · 05/01/2024 04:01

@monyk12 I don't know how you've managed to deduce that the OP earns that kind of money.

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Passingthethyme · 05/01/2024 04:11

I find it weird taking money from your children, afterall they never asked to be born. Maybe if they are middle aged, and you're now retired and they've come back home to live, but that's quite a different scenario. Even then if I didn't need the money, I wouldn't take it. I don't think anyone would choose to live at home after a certain age so I would assume they need to save as much as they can

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GentleSponge · 05/01/2024 04:29

2chocolateoranges · 04/01/2024 23:11

Our eldest (21) has recently graduated and has a graduate job with ok money. He is desperate to buy somewhere of his own. We have asked for a nominal fee of £100 a month on the condition he saves as much as he can. He goes out once a week/ fortnight with friends sometimes for drinks, sometimes for dinner and drinks and occasionally they go and play snooker. So not extravagant nights out but he assures me he is saving well and I believe him. He says he’s on track for moving out in 3 years max. By that time he will be fully qualified .

he has a tiny room and wants to have his own space, we are willing to help him and take as little off him as possible.

as a parent we can afford for this to happen so are only too happy to get rid of him…. Sorry help out! 😂

I think this comment really speaks to the heart of the issue. Charging your children rent isn't usually about paying their way, it's about exercising and enjoying power and control. The parents demonstrate they can still call the shots through a 'nominal' fee.

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