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Adult child not wanting to pay their way

491 replies

Cazzalou · 04/01/2024 20:23

18 months ago my daughter spilt up from the BF and moved back home with me.
We agreed that she would pay £500 a month for rent and bills. We live in London.
Now she and BF are back together and are hoping to buy somewhere out in Kent.
She would like to reduce her monthly payments to £300 a month so she can save for the deposit on a new home.
This could take a long time.
Should I agree the reduction or keep it at £500?
Is daughter taking me for a ride?
I'm an almost retired nurse and my monthly income has reduced as I have reduced my working hours to 30 per week.
Am I being mean if I say no?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1966 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
Ruffpuff · 08/01/2024 00:15

People need to get a grip. I’ve had to live independently since age 18. I’m 26 now (same age as OP’s daughter) and I have £30 a month left after paying for all my bills + food + transport (on a £1.6k p/m salary). It’s hard. Honestly, paying my mum £500 to live at home while I save sounds like a stress free dream. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have £1000+ in disposable income each month (starting salary for a teacher in London is more than what I’m on a month). Why try to cheat your mum out of £200 in that situation? It’s a bloody good deal.

Solo · 08/01/2024 07:30

No way. £500pm all in is actually only £115pw.

I've witnessed several young people over the last few years who are living with a parent and saving to buy their first home with a bf going out every weekend, and going on holidays to Mexico and other countries. Holidays each year costing £3k. How is that saving? When I was saving for my first house, I literally had nothing to spend on days out, let alone a holiday. I still paid my parents 1/3 of my wages.

Don't reduce her contribution.

Crafthead · 08/01/2024 07:35

Comparing this with private rent is an example of how cheap the OPs offer is already. She could probably get £800 for the room in the open market.

The child is a professional in teaching, likely to be earning at age 26 around £41,000 (if progressed to M6 on teachers pay scale) possibly with additional London weighting, if these assumptions are correct will be taking home at least £2300 monthly (with pension & student loan deductions) and paying mum £500. So depending on her travel to work costs and whether she denies herself holidays clothes entertainment hair appointments take away coffee etc could be saving up to £20,000 annually towards a deposit. The child was living with bf and paying rent, so felt she could afford that, but split with bf and made agreement with mum as it was hard to find somewhere else affordable solo, yet now reconciled with boyfriend is using the cheap accom to save up. I'd be inclined to ask to sit down and see the budget and see if the £200 can be shaved off luxuries rather than what's being given to mum.

I was always required to pay my mum 1/3 of my salary when working & living at home as a rehearsal for adulthood, even when a student with a summer job. That would be more like £750/month.

Mumof2choasensues · 08/01/2024 08:12

You’re not being unreasonable. I paid rent when I lived at home and continued even though I moved out (it was money to look after my cat since we moved temporarily into a flat) while saving for a house with my partner. This agreed amount never changed. It’s about responsibility and knowing that it costs extra money to have me home. In water food etc etc it was a percentage of my wage. Oh and I live in Kent so I know the house prices. Me and my partner just worked more hours and saved. My mum the. Took the money I was paying her and brought me and my partner a really expensive suitcase each since we were going on holiday the following year. I don’t blame her for asking but don’t ask don’t get but she agreed to pay that amount regardless if you can manage or not.

Minadka · 08/01/2024 20:14

What is icluded in £500 a month at the moment? Food, increased council tax, water, electricity, gas? How much does it actually cost you to have her live with you?
If it’s exactly £500 then explain her that. Show her bills, how much you spend on food etc. Say that you can’t accept £300 because it won’t cover all the extra expenses and you can’t afford to pay for her due to decrease in working hours.

However if having her in the house actually cost you less than £500 and £300 would cover all the expenses I think you should agree to her terms. At the end of the day she is your daughter ❤️ and it’s a good thing to help your kids to find their way in life.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 08/01/2024 20:22

Two questions OP:
How did you manage before she moved back home? Did you reduce your hours after she moved back in or have you always worked reduced hours? In which case how did you manage before?

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 08/01/2024 20:23

@Crafthead £41k? Are you for real?

Crafthead · 08/01/2024 20:24

That's what M6 is for teachers.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 08/01/2024 20:29

And how do you know she's on m6? She may not even be QTS.

Crafthead · 09/01/2024 19:37

I don't but if she finished her degree at the usual time and has met her pay progression objectives she'll be be M5/M6 and with London weight add a grand or so. Even on M1 she'd be on £31, 350 so take home of £1922. So even in this scenario she's got almost £1500 a month to play with.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 09/01/2024 21:45

You have no idea what her salary is. She might not have gone straight into teaching. She might not be QTS. You have nowhere near enough information to tell us all what she must be earning.

Dutch1e · 09/01/2024 22:15

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 09/01/2024 21:45

You have no idea what her salary is. She might not have gone straight into teaching. She might not be QTS. You have nowhere near enough information to tell us all what she must be earning.

Totally unrelated, I've been watching/reading Daisy & The Six this week and am wondering if your username is deliberately 6 X Daisy!

Crafthead · 10/01/2024 15:12

Even an unqualified teacher in London on scale point 6 gets £37,362 and at scale point 4 the same as a M1 teacher. Even at point 1 unqualified she'd be getting £25,831 and taking home over £1600. This is publicly available information, as is the use of an online take home pay calculator with student loan and pension deductions.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 10/01/2024 17:00

I'm not going back and forth on this with you. You can pull all the information you like from whatever tables you've been googling. My comment remains perfectly valid. You have no idea what area in London the OP lives in and how much experience or what qualifications her daughter has. In my many years experience working in schools I have very rarely ( possibly never) come across a teacher in their 20s earning £41k.

@Dutch1e how funny! My name comes from the highly irritating Daisy Daisy Daisy etc perfume ad! 5 x Daisy would have done me fine.. but it was unavailable!

Crafthead · 10/01/2024 20:21

It's irrelevant really: the girl was paying rent with bf, almost certainly more than £500 (no doubt you'll want to argue about that too, but very few places under £1000 a month all-in in London so it's a fair assumption...), then she wasn't and agreed to pay £500 to mum, and now she's back with bf and wants to reduce the rent. I don't see why the mum should get a reduction when bills are going up, and it's almost certain that the DC could save AND pay the rent, as long as she lives frugally as most people do when they are saving up.

And as for being M6 in your 20s - I always progressed one scale point per year until I was UPS 1, then 2 years per point to UPS 3.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 10/01/2024 20:46

'the girl'
Says it all really.
I'm out.

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