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AIBU?

Adult child not wanting to pay their way

491 replies

Cazzalou · 04/01/2024 20:23

18 months ago my daughter spilt up from the BF and moved back home with me.
We agreed that she would pay £500 a month for rent and bills. We live in London.
Now she and BF are back together and are hoping to buy somewhere out in Kent.
She would like to reduce her monthly payments to £300 a month so she can save for the deposit on a new home.
This could take a long time.
Should I agree the reduction or keep it at £500?
Is daughter taking me for a ride?
I'm an almost retired nurse and my monthly income has reduced as I have reduced my working hours to 30 per week.
Am I being mean if I say no?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1966 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
39%
You are NOT being unreasonable
61%
Loubelle70 · 04/01/2024 22:37

Soontobe60 · 04/01/2024 20:27

Presumably you managed without the £500 before she moved back in.

Yes and there was one less mouth to feed (or 2 now) and less bills...we have to teach our kids value of money...and more so....the value of us as parents..theres giving leeway..but daughters had it quite gd, so now its time to keep that 500 as it is.

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Loubelle70 · 04/01/2024 22:38

DelphiniumBlue · 04/01/2024 22:10

Oh, just seen that BF stays over 2-3 nights a week and she earns more than you! In that case £500 seems very reasonable.

Exactly

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Itslegitimatesalvage · 04/01/2024 22:39

What are you going to do when she moves out and you don’t have her money? Maybe you shouldn’t have reduced your hours because it doesn’t sound like you can afford to be semi-retired.

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UncleHerbie · 04/01/2024 22:41

SittingOnTheChair · 04/01/2024 20:52

How old is she?

My son pays £300 pounds a month. However he's 20.

Your son has a great deal, I hope he appreciates it. I paid my mum £200/m plus 50% of calls on landline, council tax and some of my own food. I also did all my own laundry and was responsible for cleaning my bedroom, the kitchen and bathroom (3 bed Victorian terrace) that was 35 years ago at about the same age

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MILTOBE · 04/01/2024 22:44

Just say, "I'd love to help you but I'm on less money than you and I'm going to be retiring soon so I need every penny I can get. £500 is reasonable, particularly as your boyfriend stays here half the week. Of course if you could get it cheaper elsewhere, then you must do it."

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monyk12 · 04/01/2024 22:47

It is a cultural perspective so please be gentle;

As a parent myself, I would support my kid free of charge, regardless of the age or income. If I would be in the scenario as the daughter, I will definetly help with groceries and bills voluntarily - I simply fail to understand how a parent cann charge their kid?

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ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 04/01/2024 22:49

You can either afford it or you can't. Feeling like a door mat surley doesn't come into it?

Won't she be incredibly grateful when they can move out and saved up? If you can afford it why not.

I simply couldn't do what I couldn't afford to do.
I think it's a good idea to charge a small token rent for mid 20s if you don't need it and if I needed it I would ask.

However I can't believe the increase in water usage and so oh equates to 500 a month. If you feel they are taking you for granted then what's the harm in a little increase

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literalviolence · 04/01/2024 22:49

monyk12 · 04/01/2024 22:47

It is a cultural perspective so please be gentle;

As a parent myself, I would support my kid free of charge, regardless of the age or income. If I would be in the scenario as the daughter, I will definetly help with groceries and bills voluntarily - I simply fail to understand how a parent cann charge their kid?

It's a highly privileged perspective. Not everyone csn afford to support other adults who may earn more than them.

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ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 04/01/2024 22:49

But...if they suddenly move out would you miss that extra income.

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verdantverdure · 04/01/2024 22:51

Runningwater1 · 04/01/2024 22:24

@Cazzalou a couple of questions for the sake of context-
do you plan to stay in London after you retire? If so will you rent out rooms for income?
do you have a mortgage?
do you have concerns about your daughter’s partner? Such that you wouldn’t like to see her buy a house in Kent with him?
Does he earn more than her?
are you charging her 500 because you need it or because you feel taken advantage of?

would want to know some of the above to say whether I thought you were being unreasonable, but on the face of it you might be glad to give her a break or pass on some of your wealth now to help her to buy if you can. Most people who make it in this world these days have had serious help from a parent, you don’t have to do this of course if you’re not in a position to do it, but if you’re not helping on principle I think there’s a fair chance you might regret it

Saving her daughter the £500+ a month it would cost her to live anywhere else IS helping her though isn't it?

Adult child not wanting to pay their way
Adult child not wanting to pay their way
Adult child not wanting to pay their way
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Loubelle70 · 04/01/2024 22:51

monyk12 · 04/01/2024 22:47

It is a cultural perspective so please be gentle;

As a parent myself, I would support my kid free of charge, regardless of the age or income. If I would be in the scenario as the daughter, I will definetly help with groceries and bills voluntarily - I simply fail to understand how a parent cann charge their kid?

When you arent on much money yourself? . You go without when your kids are growing up, naturally. But ... Its time her grown daughter Pays her way...without leaving mum destitute. Daughter if cannot afford it.. should get a better paid job then.

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scratchyfannyofcocklane · 04/01/2024 22:52

monyk12 · 04/01/2024 22:47

It is a cultural perspective so please be gentle;

As a parent myself, I would support my kid free of charge, regardless of the age or income. If I would be in the scenario as the daughter, I will definetly help with groceries and bills voluntarily - I simply fail to understand how a parent cann charge their kid?

Erm because grown adults need to take responsibility for their own living costs....

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OldTinHat · 04/01/2024 22:52

No. Absolutely do not agree to a reduction.

Your daughter is 26! 26!!

If she doesn't like paying £500 for a room and all amenities, plus housing her bf too, then tell her to leave and rent a room elsewhere. She won't be able to at that price. She can save plenty of money for a deposit staying with you. She won't be able to renting a room anywhere else.

You're doing her a massive favour as it is. Don't get walked over. My DS and his GF rented from 19 and saved for a deposit and bought their first house in March. Aged 23. In the south east, in Sussex. On average wages. She's being a CF and you're already being kind.

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verdantverdure · 04/01/2024 22:53

monyk12 · 04/01/2024 22:47

It is a cultural perspective so please be gentle;

As a parent myself, I would support my kid free of charge, regardless of the age or income. If I would be in the scenario as the daughter, I will definetly help with groceries and bills voluntarily - I simply fail to understand how a parent cann charge their kid?

She is helping.

She's saving the daughter at least £500 a month in rent, food and bills.

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Fullofxmascbeer · 04/01/2024 22:55

We charge a bit for food but we don’t want to make a profit from them, as long as they save. Don’t want to make a loss either.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2024 22:57

Presuming this includes food, I doubt you’re making a profit. £500 seems very reasonable.

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lanthanum · 04/01/2024 23:03

If she's only paying you £500 a month then she should already be saving quite a bit - at least the difference between the £500 and what she'd be paying anywhere else. Is she doing that?

You should not be making a loss on putting her up, and I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be taking a bit more than it costs you to have her, if her salary is better than yours.

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2chocolateoranges · 04/01/2024 23:11

Our eldest (21) has recently graduated and has a graduate job with ok money. He is desperate to buy somewhere of his own. We have asked for a nominal fee of £100 a month on the condition he saves as much as he can. He goes out once a week/ fortnight with friends sometimes for drinks, sometimes for dinner and drinks and occasionally they go and play snooker. So not extravagant nights out but he assures me he is saving well and I believe him. He says he’s on track for moving out in 3 years max. By that time he will be fully qualified .

he has a tiny room and wants to have his own space, we are willing to help him and take as little off him as possible.

as a parent we can afford for this to happen so are only too happy to get rid of him…. Sorry help out! 😂

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Beeswood · 04/01/2024 23:18

I think £500 is very reasonable.

There are two of them saving.

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Howtofryanegg · 04/01/2024 23:18

Flamingogirl08 · 04/01/2024 20:54

God some people on this thread really are against helping out their adult kids aren't they.

Exactly, I lived as an adult for one year with my adult sibling for £200 which was reasonable. They didn’t live in a super high rent city like London but even if they had I doubt they’d have charged me much more since they were managing to pay bills before I came.

I paid £500-600 as a lodger in outer London in 2018 and this was to complete strangers. Granted rents have gone up but you can still find cheap rooms in family homeshttps://m.spareroom.co.uk/flatshare/flatshare_detail.pl?flatshare_id=13091887&search_id=1271258333&city_id=&flatshare_type=offered&search_results=%2Fflatshare%2F%3Fsearch_id%3D1271258333& And surely you expect to pay much less in your own family home than with randoms?

I don’t think asking for £300 is taking the piss. You shouldn’t be charging your child market rate just because. It should be more based on making sure you’re not out of pocket if they’re saving up to leave.

If Op can’t afford rent-free or a reduced rent fair enough but it’s understandable why the daughter asked.

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verdantverdure · 04/01/2024 23:22

I guess the daughter has a choice @Howtofryanegg she can live at her mums for £500 a month or she can rent a room, often just a single, for nigh on a grand a month.

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Howtofryanegg · 04/01/2024 23:23

monyk12 · 04/01/2024 22:47

It is a cultural perspective so please be gentle;

As a parent myself, I would support my kid free of charge, regardless of the age or income. If I would be in the scenario as the daughter, I will definetly help with groceries and bills voluntarily - I simply fail to understand how a parent cann charge their kid?

It’s cultural to some extent I believe. My mum didn’t have a lot of money and was a single parent but she didn’t charge us although we did voluntarily help out at times and we bought our own food although she bought food for the house too. I’ve noticed my friends from similar cultural backgrounds had the same experience whereas my friends who had white British parents tended to charge them and were quite rigid about getting money. My Dad who lives in anotjet country had his niece stay with him for several months and didn’t charge either.

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Copperoliverbear · 04/01/2024 23:25

£300 if you need it, if you don't still take the money and put it away for her so she doesn't spend it. X

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PickAChew · 04/01/2024 23:34

£500pm is very reasonable. I was paying that just for rent on a 1 bed flat in a far flung bit of the Northeast, 20 years ago.

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DPotter · 04/01/2024 23:43

Asking to drop her rent down to £300 AND the BF staying over 2-3 nights a week is taking the piss.

back of an envelop calculations........Assuming she works full time and is qualified, she'll be on circa £30k pa, that's about £23,800 pa and then there'll be her student loan of £720pa, so that's £23k roughly speaking, £1900 per month. And she wants to pay £300 rent. I'd want to see her saving £1k a month, no ifs, no buts, and she's still have £600 per month spending money. OK there may be travel costs.

I'd want to see her saving £12k a year. And I'd want to know the BF was pulling his weight in the savings effort too. Kent isn't a cheap county to buy in - how much deposit are they looking for ?

I would be tempted to offer £400 rent per month - but and it's a big but, she has to prove she's saving and saving hard. And at the first suggestion she's no (eg big holidays, lots of nights out) back full on £500.

As you are nearly retired, your income will be going down. Probably more than you bargained for as you've dropped your hours from full time. Another employed adult in the house may effect your ability to claim benefits - please don't forget this.

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