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AIBU?

Adult child not wanting to pay their way

491 replies

Cazzalou · 04/01/2024 20:23

18 months ago my daughter spilt up from the BF and moved back home with me.
We agreed that she would pay £500 a month for rent and bills. We live in London.
Now she and BF are back together and are hoping to buy somewhere out in Kent.
She would like to reduce her monthly payments to £300 a month so she can save for the deposit on a new home.
This could take a long time.
Should I agree the reduction or keep it at £500?
Is daughter taking me for a ride?
I'm an almost retired nurse and my monthly income has reduced as I have reduced my working hours to 30 per week.
Am I being mean if I say no?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1966 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
39%
You are NOT being unreasonable
61%
Flamingogirl08 · 04/01/2024 20:54

God some people on this thread really are against helping out their adult kids aren't they.

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Bellyblueboy · 04/01/2024 20:57

I have always worked on the basis family members don’t pay ‘rent’ they contribute to the extra cost they impose. Unless you really need the money.

in terms of food and bills does she consume £500 worth?

i contributed to bills when I lived at home and was working - but I certainly didn’t pay the market rate for a house share - because I was sleeping in my childhood bedroom and living with my parents!

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Dacadactyl · 04/01/2024 20:59

@Flamingogirl08 the reason being that I dont think it prepares them for life!

As well as that, I've seen colleagues putting off retirement to fund adult kids (in their 30s no less) who go away on holidays, constantly get takeaways, but proclaim to have no money for rent. That's just taking the piss.

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TiaraBoo · 04/01/2024 21:00

OP how much extra does it cost having your DD live with you in bills, food and council tax?

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IncompleteSenten · 04/01/2024 21:00

Can you afford it?
If you're going to not be able to pay the bills without that money then obviously you can't. I assume you'll get a lodger or something after she's moved out to make up the income?

If it was me and it didn't mean rent arrears or being unable to pay the electric bill or eat etc then I would tell her to keep the money and save.

Or if I knew she was shit with money and all her good intentions to save would go out the window then I'd suggest she still give it to me and I'll save it for her.

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DragonFly98 · 04/01/2024 21:00

Flamingogirl08 · 04/01/2024 20:54

God some people on this thread really are against helping out their adult kids aren't they.

I was giving my opinion on what the op should do as she is struggling financially. Not what I would do myself. I would charge keep yes after education as I believe it teaches responsibility, but just a token amount of around £200 a month.

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ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/01/2024 21:00

Bellyblueboy · 04/01/2024 20:57

I have always worked on the basis family members don’t pay ‘rent’ they contribute to the extra cost they impose. Unless you really need the money.

in terms of food and bills does she consume £500 worth?

i contributed to bills when I lived at home and was working - but I certainly didn’t pay the market rate for a house share - because I was sleeping in my childhood bedroom and living with my parents!

Totally agree. I mean come on, how does a shower a day and a radiator on in a bedroom = £500?

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viques · 04/01/2024 21:03

Flamingogirl08 · 04/01/2024 20:54

God some people on this thread really are against helping out their adult kids aren't they.

The op is already helping out her child. What do you think she would be paying in rent ,food and utilities if she was renting a half decent room in London?

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caringcarer · 04/01/2024 21:03

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/01/2024 20:30

Well this. Would you have rented her room out had she not moved in? It seems like you are making money out of her.

I doubt with additional electricity, additional water, gas, higher council tax and food/laundry detergent etc the OP is making money out of her DC. When my DS moved out in August our electricity bill went down £140 per month, water went down too, less gas used l, less food and so much less less food. We saved about £350 pcm and we still pay full council tax as me and DH so didn't save 25 percent on that, but OP might do if she lives in house alone and loses her 25 percent off single person discount. My DS only paid £300 so we actually ended up better off once he'd moved into his own house and he still brings his washing over to tumble dry twice a week as he doesn't have a tumble dryer yet.

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Flamingogirl08 · 04/01/2024 21:03

Bellyblueboy · 04/01/2024 20:57

I have always worked on the basis family members don’t pay ‘rent’ they contribute to the extra cost they impose. Unless you really need the money.

in terms of food and bills does she consume £500 worth?

i contributed to bills when I lived at home and was working - but I certainly didn’t pay the market rate for a house share - because I was sleeping in my childhood bedroom and living with my parents!

@Dacadactyl I'm firmly in this posters camp tbh. Of course charge rent but allowing them to pay a bit less to save for a deposit just seems like a totally normal thing to do.

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Therunecaster · 04/01/2024 21:04

Flamingogirl08 · 04/01/2024 20:54

God some people on this thread really are against helping out their adult kids aren't they.

Agree

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caringcarer · 04/01/2024 21:05

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/01/2024 21:00

Totally agree. I mean come on, how does a shower a day and a radiator on in a bedroom = £500?

Does this DC not eat food or use electricity?

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Dacadactyl · 04/01/2024 21:06

@Flamingogirl08 I also agree that I'd charge a token rent (as my parents did for me...for context i paid 200 a month in the South to my parents 16 years ago). By my reckoning, 500 a month in London IS a token rent now.

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ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/01/2024 21:08

caringcarer · 04/01/2024 21:05

Does this DC not eat food or use electricity?

OP hasn’t said she supplies her with her food.

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Twoshoesnewshoes · 04/01/2024 21:11

My view from a different approach, - our DD lived at home with us rent free for a year to save for her deposit (she was 26), she could have stayed as long as she wanted, she didn’t pay towards food or bills and none of my children do if they’re home.
she saved £10,000 that year which is great.
we also saved more than that for her.

we are lucky that we are finally in a position to save a bit, as we lived in the red for decades. But I would always want to help my children out if I could, and they are all very thoughtful and responsible with finances.

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Lifeinlists · 04/01/2024 21:12

Flamingogirl08 · 04/01/2024 20:54

God some people on this thread really are against helping out their adult kids aren't they.

Lots of parents help their adult children in many ways, financially and otherwise.

It doesn't mean you have to have an adult living with you paying very little with no end in sight.
Do you have an adult child living with you full time? It's more than a simple breakdown of what she uses. Apart from the food, utilities, council tax, roof over her head etc the OP also has to share her house/flat and do the cleaning and shopping (doubtless) as a minimum.

Her DD is already getting a bargain compared to what she'd pay anywhere else. OP doesn't need to reduce anything, apart from any extra work.

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Flamingogirl08 · 04/01/2024 21:21

Dacadactyl · 04/01/2024 21:06

@Flamingogirl08 I also agree that I'd charge a token rent (as my parents did for me...for context i paid 200 a month in the South to my parents 16 years ago). By my reckoning, 500 a month in London IS a token rent now.

I posted earlier on that if it costs £500 a month extra then fair enough. I really doubt it does though.

My other responses were to people calling her a cheeky fucker for only paying £500 as if she should be paying the going rate in London.

Whether she is there or not OPs rent/Mortgage remains the same so imo the going rate in London is neither here nor there.

I come from a family where it is totally normal to live with parents for a bit if you need to and yes pitch in and pay towards the household costs but not be called a cheeky fucker for asking to pay less to allow to save more.

Some posters (not directed at you) have opened my eyes to some people's attitudes towards adult children. I suppose everybody is different and has different views on it.

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Cazzalou · 04/01/2024 21:23

She is 26 and is a teacher on a better salary than me.
BF stays 2-3 nights a week.
I feel that I've been happy helping them over last 18 months and £500 a month in London is a bargain.
I would love to be in the position of letting them stay rent free but I do feel like I'm being a bit of a door mat.

OP posts:
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username268 · 04/01/2024 21:23

I think this is a tricky one that depends on several factors.

Firstly, is it costing you a lot more to support her? Have your bills gone up for heating, water electric etc? Second, does 'rent & bills' include her part of the council tax? Are you paying for food, or is she buying her own food?

IMO, she should at a minimum be paying the difference. If you want to charge her rent (for her room) then that is up to you. Whilst she is saving, I would be more lenient. I am assuming you can afford to keep up with your rent/mortgage.

£500 is a very reasonable amount. If she is earning a decent salary and you are struggling I would absolutely be keeping it at £500. However, saving for a deposit is difficult, and if I could afford to I would reduce the £500 to help her out, provided she continued to cover her living costs.

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caringcarer · 04/01/2024 21:26

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/01/2024 21:08

OP hasn’t said she supplies her with her food.

No electricity then. My son used loads of electricity.

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caringcarer · 04/01/2024 21:27

Cazzalou · 04/01/2024 21:23

She is 26 and is a teacher on a better salary than me.
BF stays 2-3 nights a week.
I feel that I've been happy helping them over last 18 months and £500 a month in London is a bargain.
I would love to be in the position of letting them stay rent free but I do feel like I'm being a bit of a door mat.

So bf is there using electricity and water too!

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username268 · 04/01/2024 21:28

Just saw your last update OP. So her boyfriend is staying over at yours 2-3 nights a week AND she is on a better salary than you...
That changes things. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You have helped her for 18 months. You should stay firm with the £500. If she needs to save, maybe she should consider doing private tutoring or something as a side hustle.

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Mikimoto · 04/01/2024 21:29

Keep up with the 500 but saying you'll pay 200 into a savings account for her?

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SteadyEddi · 04/01/2024 21:29

500 a month for her and her boyfriend seems fair. Needs to cover their share of the bills, council tax, food

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Mamabear2424 · 04/01/2024 21:31

I would agree to the reduced amount as its good she is saving for a deposit

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