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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband thinks I'd be selfish to go to the wedding

398 replies

Ribyloo · 04/01/2024 14:50

A little context as I know otherwise this may sound odd. I am a teacher at an independent secondary school in the north. A few years ago I was really hating my job, i was teaching three A-Level subjects (Maths, Further Maths and Economics), had 3 small children, my mum was unwell. It was a time where I really wanted to quit and give up.
One student (the only girl in further maths and economics) was in all 3 of my A-Level classes, we developed a positive relationship and I ended up taking up a bit of a pastoral role with her too, she was struggling with her mental health.
She went on to study a related subject at a top university, then a masters and is now in her last year of her PhD in a related field. I've kept up with her progress and as a teacher I think she is possibly the student who I'm most proud of. There were days where my main motivation to go into work was knowing she was relying on me being my best so she could be her best and now I feel like I've seen her achieve that. Anytime I'm in London we meet for lunch or coffee, when she comes back up north she will pop into see me at work with cakes or a gift and to see her other A-Level teacher. This ex-pupil means a lot of me.
Today I received an invite in the mail for her wedding later this year. She's getting married in London, so would be a case of travelling Friday after work and back up the Sunday. Her other A-Level teacher has also been invited. My children are now between 10 and 16 so don't need me at home as much as they did. The issue is the Monday after I leave to take a group of pupils to Italy for a 5 day trip.
My husband thinks if I'm effectively gone Friday-Friday I'm being selfish, as he will be solely responsible for them for a whole week. I've offered to arrange for parents/friends to sort the kids but he still isn't happy. He said he'd get it if it were a friend or family member but not some "random ex pupil". This isn't the first time he's had a problem with this student, her graduation was an issue and several of our lunches have been a problem too.

AIBU to go the wedding even though my husband thinks it selfish? Or since she isn't family or a close friend should I put my family first and be there for them?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 04/01/2024 14:54

WTF!!!
your husband is being a total dick - a parent ((gasp)) having to be vaguely around to be with his older / teen kids for a week

he has form from your post
I bet he he either out loads or never out and is controlling about your socialising
i would a million percent go
you are not selfish in the slightest

Salesarefullofcutpricesprouts · 04/01/2024 14:55

Go and have a lovely time op. I bet your dc would want you to go..

Daisies12 · 04/01/2024 14:55

For gods sake. Why are you even questioning this. It’s a week and they’re teens. Definitely go to the wedding

DaveWatts · 04/01/2024 14:56

I thought you were going to say you had toddlers!

Your dh is an idiot and you should go.

Fivepigeons · 04/01/2024 14:57

Go to the wedding. Your husband is being insane. Kids over 10 are not going to massively impact on him.
As long as he gets some equivalent time to go hang out with his friends at some point I do not see the issue at all.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 04/01/2024 14:58

Oh boo hoo, your husband has to look after his own already quite independent children for a week. What a fucking dickhead.

It will undoubtedly mean a great deal to both you and this woman for you to attend her wedding. My DH would be nothing but happy that I was able to do something that made me happy. Go.

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/01/2024 14:59

Of course you aren’t selfish. You want to add an additional couple of days for yourself for something and someone important to you, on to a planned working week away.

Have you ever asked him directly what his problem is regarding this former student? It sounds like jealousy of you feeling a sense of pride and achievement in their success, and them partially crediting you for that. Is he jealous of you succeeding or taking pride in other areas of life?

SqueakyDinosaur · 04/01/2024 15:00

You are obviously still a very important person in her life, and at an earlier stage it sounds like you were even more so. Of course you should go. Your husband is a whiny manbaby.

Createausername1970 · 04/01/2024 15:00

She is not a random ex-pupil. She is someone who means a lot to you and you obviously mean a lot to her.

Admittedly the timing isn't great, but it can't be helped.

You DH is not being asked to do anything over and above being a parent, so he needs to STFU and stop being an arse. However, if he continues to be an arse, then say to him he can take a week away another time.

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 04/01/2024 15:02

I think he’s being unreasonable, unless there’s a drip feed that you go on loads of similar social trips or this one requires him to cancel some trip or commitment of his own.

She is effectively a friend, not a “random ex pupil”. Your children aren’t babies, they are old enough to be fairly self sufficient in lots of ways, you’ve offered to arrange other back up for him and the wedding is clearly a one off. The Italy trip is presumably part of your job.

Has he really never been away from your family for a week? Never travelled for work or a boys trip? What exactly is it he’d have to do that’s so difficult? Because looking after their own children for a week is what loads of parents do all the time.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 04/01/2024 15:02

Fucking hell, what dies he even have to do for them at that age? A few lifts and some microwave meals.

At least you know if you ever left him he wpuldnt want 50 50.

Reframe it to him- why doesnt he want a week of solo time with the kids? How nasty is that?

Just Gomez you dont need permission.

Mudflaps · 04/01/2024 15:02

Your husband is being a prat. You were a positive influence in this girls life, you've stayed in touch and you mean enough to her to be invited to her wedding, that's a special relationship and she is not a random student. Go to the wedding, a week of looking after his own children with family assistance is nothing to ask of a loving helpful father and partner but I doubt he's really that considering your post.

heldinadream · 04/01/2024 15:03

No idea what your dh's problem is but it's definitely his problem not yours.
He can't parent his own two older children for a week? That's pathetic.
You really must go, because this level of him controlling you isn't healthy.

Bramshott · 04/01/2024 15:05

Where do you live and how independent are your DC? Of course you should go to the wedding, but being home alone with several secondary age children (one still primary going on the ages you give?) for a week is a reasonably big deal if you live somewhere rural and they need a lot of lifts.

Original poster
Ribyloo · 04/01/2024 15:05

Rudolphtherednoseddog · 04/01/2024 15:02

I think he’s being unreasonable, unless there’s a drip feed that you go on loads of similar social trips or this one requires him to cancel some trip or commitment of his own.

She is effectively a friend, not a “random ex pupil”. Your children aren’t babies, they are old enough to be fairly self sufficient in lots of ways, you’ve offered to arrange other back up for him and the wedding is clearly a one off. The Italy trip is presumably part of your job.

Has he really never been away from your family for a week? Never travelled for work or a boys trip? What exactly is it he’d have to do that’s so difficult? Because looking after their own children for a week is what loads of parents do all the time.

No, no drip feed. He frequently goes away for work for up to 2 weeks at a time, I never complain. He doesn't have to change anything till be there for the kids either over the weekend or in the week (they are going to my parents afterschool, he can collect them on the way home, 16 year old will go home and let herself in). I'll batch cook the weekend before and freeze it so he doesn't have to cook.
I'm not sure why he has such an issue, but this is for normal for him and sometimes he does get into my head and make me wonder if I am the problem.

OP posts:
wasanneofcleves · 04/01/2024 15:07

My goodness why on earth are you with this man? What a deeply mean and unpleasant response. Is he always like this?

theresnolimits · 04/01/2024 15:07

To those saying he should take a week away - the Italy trip is work! 24 hours a day supervising teenagers. That’s not a jolly - I stopped doing these trios as a teacher as it was so stressful.

You’re effectively only doing something for you on two nights. If you can get back earlyish on the Sunday, I would just to get your head together.

I think it is wonderful what an impact you’ve had on this young woman’s life and you should be rightly proud and celebrate. You DH needs to grow up.

Original poster
Ribyloo · 04/01/2024 15:07

Bramshott · 04/01/2024 15:05

Where do you live and how independent are your DC? Of course you should go to the wedding, but being home alone with several secondary age children (one still primary going on the ages you give?) for a week is a reasonably big deal if you live somewhere rural and they need a lot of lifts.

They get the school bus to and from school, the older two go to the same school I teach at. My parents will pick the youngest up from school. On the weekend the only running around is the youngest has dance on the Saturday morning. DD sorts herself out using buses or the train for the most part now and DS doesn't really need taken anywhere, if he does my dad will take him.

OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 04/01/2024 15:08

He’s definitely the problem @Ribyloo not you.

What an amazing teacher you must have been for this girl to stay in touch all this time and invite you to her wedding.

Beowulfa · 04/01/2024 15:10

You sound like a great teacher. Sorry your husband is a knob.

NewnamefirNewYear · 04/01/2024 15:10

Agree with all the others - you really should go as clearly you had a significant impact on this young woman. I think it is lovely you've kept in touch and that she ahs invited you to a significant event in her life.

Rosebud21 · 04/01/2024 15:11

YADNBU, please don't let him think this is your problem. Enjoy the wedding, & Italy

ComfortableAtLastTookLongEnough · 04/01/2024 15:13

At speed.

Tell him to fuck off to the farside of fuck off and then when he gets there tell him to Fuck off some more. 😡😡😡

idontlikealdi · 04/01/2024 15:14

Your husband is a twat. He can parent his own kids for a week. It's not like you're leaving him to deal with newborn babies on his own.

NYnewname · 04/01/2024 15:15

I'll batch cook the weekend before and freeze it so he doesn't have to cook

Why?

I used to travel abroad regularly to look after my grandchildren. It would never have occurred to me that I had to provide meals for when I wasn't even there.

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