Husband thinks I'd be selfish to go to the wedding

[Ribyloo]

A little context as I know otherwise this may sound odd. I am a teacher at an independent secondary school in the north. A few years ago I was really hating my job, i was teaching three A-Level subjects (Maths, Further Maths and Economics), had 3 small children, my mum was unwell. It was a time where I really wanted to quit and give up.
One student (the only girl in further maths and economics) was in all 3 of my A-Level classes, we developed a positive relationship and I ended up taking up a bit of a pastoral role with her too, she was struggling with her mental health.
She went on to study a related subject at a top university, then a masters and is now in her last year of her PhD in a related field. I've kept up with her progress and as a teacher I think she is possibly the student who I'm most proud of. There were days where my main motivation to go into work was knowing she was relying on me being my best so she could be her best and now I feel like I've seen her achieve that. Anytime I'm in London we meet for lunch or coffee, when she comes back up north she will pop into see me at work with cakes or a gift and to see her other A-Level teacher. This ex-pupil means a lot of me.
Today I received an invite in the mail for her wedding later this year. She's getting married in London, so would be a case of travelling Friday after work and back up the Sunday. Her other A-Level teacher has also been invited. My children are now between 10 and 16 so don't need me at home as much as they did. The issue is the Monday after I leave to take a group of pupils to Italy for a 5 day trip.
My husband thinks if I'm effectively gone Friday-Friday I'm being selfish, as he will be solely responsible for them for a whole week. I've offered to arrange for parents/friends to sort the kids but he still isn't happy. He said he'd get it if it were a friend or family member but not some "random ex pupil". This isn't the first time he's had a problem with this student, her graduation was an issue and several of our lunches have been a problem too.

AIBU to go the wedding even though my husband thinks it selfish? Or since she isn't family or a close friend should I put my family first and be there for them?

Another substandard man who considers taking care of his own children to be a burden. Lovely.

Go on your trip, OP.

Wow, pretty impressive that out of all the kids you’ve taught over the years, the two bonafide kids you have at home, the man you married is the biggest baby. Usually hate with a passion the saying “man up”, but in this instance I think it’s the right phrase for the situation.

I had a teacher who made a huge difference in my life, I can imagine how delighted she will be that you attend her wedding. Please don’t let your man baby spoil this day for you and her.

Also, I’d probably poke this thread under his nose for a quick read, just so he can see what a cock we all think he’s being about this.

Of course you are not being selfish and your husband sounds controlling. She was a pupil but is now a friend and she has shown by inviting you to her wedding how important she feels you were to her in her education. Your children aren't tiny and your colleague also has an invite. The fact that the dates are at the same time as the trip is a pain but it certainly isn't selfish to do both. Why does your husband have an issue with this pupil. Does he know you see her when you are in London?

With your DC as old as they are, your DH can definitely cope alone for a week. If you had very small children I would err on it being selfish if either parent went away for a week straight but children that age are largely independent.

Hmmm I’m pretty surprised by these responses.

There is no issue going away for a week.
And if your DH says there was then I’d think he was a dick.

But he seems to be uncomfortable with the relationship you have with this girl and tbh when I read it I have to say that I agree.

Anytime I'm in London we meet for lunch or coffee,

I feel that this is more inappropriate than going to a wedding.

And it made me a bit uncomfortable reading it.
I can’t imagine having such a close relationship with any of my ex pupils.

Agree wholeheartedly.

Your husband sounds like a prick.

Nobody has said he should take a week away.
Posters have asked does he take time away. The answer is yes - up to two whole weeks. Which is exactly the expected response!

Absolutely fine and dandy for him to go off on Jollies but not for the Op. Her place is in firmly by the kitchen sink (in his mind)

Op I think you should go to the wedding, with or without partners. It does sound like you've played a mentoring role in her life for a long time and the wedding invite is acknowledgement of that.

My husband sometimes tries to pull this shit. If he regularly travels for work and when doing so literally packs his own case and fucks off with no thought of what the children will eat all week, how they will get to and from activities etc, then we are very similar. He is not the boss of you; they're his kids too and you have the temerity to have a life of your own which you are funding yourself. If you want a weekend away, have given him plenty of warning, would be happy for him to do the same if he had the opportunity then tell him you're going and don't feel an ounce of guilt. He will accept it, feel aggrieved because of his inbuilt sense of patriarchal entitlement, but ultimately move on. The more you do it and call him out, the more you can do it in future.

As someone also in education, I find it absurd and weird that this situation with the pupil even happened. I don’t know why no body else does, but fuck me, it’s against safeguarding.

It would be different if you ran into each other in later life but it seems like you just stayed in touch. So odd.

Not the point of the question, but still, weird

What on earth is inappropriate about going for lunch with an adult?

Yes yes yes! IT IS SO WEIRD. So inappropriate.

YANBU.

Does your DH batch cook so you don’t have to cook when he goes away for 2 weeks?

Because OP stayed in touch with them from when they were a pupil. It is in safeguarding training that this isn’t ok. This example is literally used.

I'd probably be seeing if I could find another week away at the end of it!

Your husband is a dick. Go.

I'll be honest, I think your husband has some weird jealous thing going on here over this ex-student due to issues previously with you meeting her.
Whatever, he is being utterly twatish and I would nip this in the bud sharpish-to put it into context, I went on an 11 day trip abroad with work and not only did DH not have a problem with it he actively encouraged me to take the opportunity.

I would acknowledge with dh that’s yes it is a shame the timing is a week before the Italy trip, that it would mean a lot for you to go though and you really appreciate him being there for the kids. You are happy to return the favour to him when needed and will make sure to schedule some family time and a date night with him on your return.

She completed her A-Levels and I didn't hear from her for a year, she then returned to visit the school about a year later (very normal at our school, we love hearing how they are doing), then traded emails and since then it's become more friendly. She's 24 now and by the time I got her email she was 19, I'm not sure how that is a safeguarding concern?

It's teachers like you that change lives, and are remembered many many years later.

That's something to be immensely proud of. This invitation is testament to your vocation as a teacher in the best possible sense.

Your husband's being pathetic. He sounds like a toddler having a tantrum because something has come along that's not all about him.

Good God!
Don't give it another thought- go.go.go... your husband is being ridiculous pretty sure if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn't concern himself that you were home alone with your children for a week..sounds like a jealous arse too.

Sod the batch cooking before you go!! Does he fill the freezer before he goes away with work?

Also in education and hard disagree that this is either inappropriate or a safeguarding issue. The fact that a colleague is also invited makes it even less so. We actively encourage our leavers to keep in contact with us to let us know how they are faring. If the ex student is getting married she is now an adult. The safeguarding rules would prohibit OP from having a sexual relationship with her but this is clearly not what's happening here.

go and have a lovely time.

It sounds as though he would have an issue with the wedding even without it being before the Italy trip.
Given that he goes away with work I think you should definitely go.

You are most definitely not the problem! Don't ever think that.
This friendship with your ex pupil illustrates what must be one of the best things about being a teacher, you're still important to her and it's lovely to see how that is lasting.
She will remember you all her life, in the way that many of us remember that one teacher who made a difference.
I can only think your husband is jealous of what you have, and that's on him, not you.
Please go to the wedding, it matters to both you and her. (So nice that she has invited another teacher too. ) She sounds like she was a special pupil and is now a lovely person.