Husband thinks I'd be selfish to go to the wedding

[Ribyloo]

A little context as I know otherwise this may sound odd. I am a teacher at an independent secondary school in the north. A few years ago I was really hating my job, i was teaching three A-Level subjects (Maths, Further Maths and Economics), had 3 small children, my mum was unwell. It was a time where I really wanted to quit and give up.
One student (the only girl in further maths and economics) was in all 3 of my A-Level classes, we developed a positive relationship and I ended up taking up a bit of a pastoral role with her too, she was struggling with her mental health.
She went on to study a related subject at a top university, then a masters and is now in her last year of her PhD in a related field. I've kept up with her progress and as a teacher I think she is possibly the student who I'm most proud of. There were days where my main motivation to go into work was knowing she was relying on me being my best so she could be her best and now I feel like I've seen her achieve that. Anytime I'm in London we meet for lunch or coffee, when she comes back up north she will pop into see me at work with cakes or a gift and to see her other A-Level teacher. This ex-pupil means a lot of me.
Today I received an invite in the mail for her wedding later this year. She's getting married in London, so would be a case of travelling Friday after work and back up the Sunday. Her other A-Level teacher has also been invited. My children are now between 10 and 16 so don't need me at home as much as they did. The issue is the Monday after I leave to take a group of pupils to Italy for a 5 day trip.
My husband thinks if I'm effectively gone Friday-Friday I'm being selfish, as he will be solely responsible for them for a whole week. I've offered to arrange for parents/friends to sort the kids but he still isn't happy. He said he'd get it if it were a friend or family member but not some "random ex pupil". This isn't the first time he's had a problem with this student, her graduation was an issue and several of our lunches have been a problem too.

AIBU to go the wedding even though my husband thinks it selfish? Or since she isn't family or a close friend should I put my family first and be there for them?

So if a friend brought you a plant or flowers or a box of chocolates @Ilovelurchers youd assume they fancied you? How odd.

If they bought me stuff out of the blue every time they came to see me, then yes! I don't think it's odd. I think it's odd to do this with your friends personally. And expensive......

People do fancy other people sometimes. Sometimes (shock horror) women even fancy women......

(Which is fine, obviously, but not if it's an ex student with their teacher).

It's clearly something that is subjective (though it shouldn't be, that leaves too much room for muddied water and situations like this).
The gifts is an odd thing to think indicative of romantic feelings. I never show up at a friends house empty handed - I was taught that is rude, so always take biscuits/a cake/some wine. I've taken this girl a gift before too, and actually bought one group of my further maths students all gifts one year (only 5 of them).
I think I should have left out the part of her motivating me too as it's been misconstrued. I'm sure most teachers at some point in their career have felt a little deflated and needed something to perk them up to keep motivated. It wasn't to do with her as an individual. She was the only student I was teaching 3 A-Levels too, if I took the day off she'd end up behind in 3 classes - that was a largely motivating factor to go in at the time!! Absolutely not romantic in anyway.
It seems sad to me that some teachers are discouraged from keeping in touch with students, one of the best parts of the job for me is seeing their success, I put my all in to giving them the best chance to succeed and seeing them actually succeed is about as close as it gets to a pat on the back for me. It's a shame other teachers miss out on that.

Sorry, just had a further think - because I was reading the comments about old students keeping in touch with the school to say how they are doing, and of course that does happen and is fine....

The safeguarding advice was clear that if any staff members wanted to maintain contact with any students after they had left, this had to be done over school email - so that it was clearly all above board and could be monitored by the school if necessary.....

So this student visiting OP in school isn't an issue (tho I would be concerned personally by the constant gifts - it's something we are told to look out for with younger students certainly as often can imply they have an inappropriate crush). But she shouldn't really be meeting for coffees in London or going to the wedding ....

And if it makes her husband uneasy, for sure she should at least ask him why and be willing to listen to the feedback, as from what she says he doesn't object to her going away in general (like a purely lazy man would).

Is there more to this than meets the eye.
Does he think you put more onto this relationship with this ex pupil than you do your kids and him.
Maybe she should have sent a invite for you and your husband, then he'd probably have felt happy about it all.
I've got to admit, reading this my first thought was if it had been a male teacher school doing this he'd have been slatted.. Its the other teacher male or female. It's not right to have relationship with pupils.. Other than teach. This Can cause trouble. has it is now...

What do you think this former pupil in her 20s needs safeguarding from?
A school policy does not always reflect what the legislation actually says.
There’s not one Act that recommends against being friends with former pupils.

Do you have any links to this safeguarding advice? I'm not saying it isn't true and can fully see the it may vary by school and area, I'm just keen to read.
We aren't allowed students past or present on social media. This is more about preventing current students from accessing our social media than about the past students. Obviously sexual relationships with past students is a massive no too.
Other than that our head and safe guarding lead see no issue in choosing to maintain contact with students who have left school in anyway. Numbers, emails (personal or school), meeting up etc.
Like I said a massive part of our school ethos is based upon seeing our students to achieve their best, with our where are they now board and reaching out to ex pupils to give current ones advice (university applications mainly, especially for niche courses or universities abroad we might not be as familiar with). We believe it makes us better teachers if we see our pupils as real people who will go on to live real lives and not just learners we educate for 7 years then say bye to!
The gifts if from a younger student would be seen as concerning, but we have a supply teacher who never comes in without biscuits for the rest of the department - I'm sure she has no romantic feelings. I never go to a friends empty handed - no romantic feelings. It's odd to associate the two. Her mum is a fantastic baker so it's normally some cakes her mum has made!! Or when we have met for lunch in London she has picked me up some little treats for fortnum and masons as that is still a real novelty to me!
I've bought and sent her books that I think she'd enjoy randomly, send cards etc.

It really isn't a romance thing (heck I never even thought anyone would see it that way until this thread).

You are free to meet up with an adult any time you want. The safeguarding derailment is ridiculous.
Go to the wedding, your husband sounds lik a selfish arse.

Well it's a male teacher too as like I said she has invited her other A-Level teacher. Why should she invite someone she's literally never met to her wedding to keep him happy?
His issue with her is the same with any friend I have who isn't a mutual one or colleague I can see at work - me maintaining that friendship means he has to be responsible for the kids alone for some amount of time. He hates that, it extends beyond this girl too.

Maybe she should have sent a invite for you and your husband, then he'd probably have felt happy about it all.

🤣🤣 This isn't a class party. A grown man does not need to be invited to everything his wife is, to feel happy.

OP - ypu know he is being completely unreasonable and I’m so sorry the place you’ve got to in this relationship has resulted in this level of self doubt and guilt. You should NOT feel bad for making the most of a lovely invitation/relationship. The way you describe the relationship is lovely, especially that being there for her also helped you through some tough times. Your husband should completely understand but clearly never will.

I think you’d get masses out of reading (discreetly) the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (you can download on kindle/Apple Books app). I think you’d find it a really empowering and affirming read - maybe one to read while you’re on your “week away…? (otherwise known as one night of well deserved enjoyment followed by a work trip).

my husband would have said the same but I still would go

His issue with her is the same with any friend I have who isn't a mutual one or colleague I can see at work - me maintaining that friendship means he has to be responsible for the kids alone for some amount of time. He hates that, it extends beyond this girl too.

He’s barely going to be responsible for them. Your parents seem to be doing most of the logistics. He’s very selfish.

GO TO HER WEDDING. It shows you how much you mean to her and it would be awful if you didn’t go. Tell husband to feck orf.

Man has to look after his own children for a weekend. Boo hoo.

Go to the wedding, celebrate all the successes this woman has had, have a great time and let all your colleagues know how it goes!

As a teacher I think this is totally appropriate the pupil is an adult now and they’re friends. I would be over the moon to be invited to an ex pupils wedding (I teach nursery so not remembered very often). Husband is being unreasonable, go be proud and enjoy yourself.

@Ribyloo

I'm sorry that such a lovely, kind invitation has been tarnished by your dog in the manger husband. I hope, however, you'll take on board the encouragement and advice by the positive comments of most in this thread to accept the invitation to your Ex-pupil's wedding and enjoy the day. I wish my maths teachers in school would have been as inspirational as you sound - maybe then I would not have found the subject as dense as I did.

It sounds, however, it's not just this friendship your husband has a problem with - he's trying to contain you into a mould of his making and is a hypocrite because he has no problem doing what he wants when he wants himself. Keep asserting yourself and keep up your relationships and your job - there'll come a time when you've had enough of his selfishness and controlling ways and you'll live your life without him in it. 🌹

Go. And don't batch cook meals in advance. Your DH sounds pathetic, but I doubt he'll let his children starve while you're away. And the next time he swans off on one of his regular 2 week work trips, remind him of how he complained when you wanted just one week away, most of which IS a work trip, it's only the weekend which is for your leisure/pleasure.

Oh... That made me cry! Been there, in your situation, it would have been lovely if one of my teachers had recognised my situation! Don't give in to the imposter syndrome... You're doing ok now hopefully and rightly deserved 🤗🤗🤗

Hmm initially I thought the post was going to be asking if it is appropriate. In my school it would definitely be something you'd have to let senior management know about. We are not allowed to be FB friends with past pupils for example, regardless of when they left.
As regards the wedding, if work are OK with it you should definitely go.

I would go. I keep in touch with a couple of ex A Level students too. All on my school email and above board. I’m at a state school and have declared to our DSL and there’s no problem.

I went to a private school and in my experience it’s much more common for past students to keep in touch. If nothing else it’s encouraged for fund raising and creating a network - not something I choose to do at all and I’m not that fancy anyway. 😂

I too have dragged myself in for certain students who just make life more enjoyable when otherwise I might not have gone in. It wasn’t anything to do with romance but as you say we do sometimes experience an increased sense of duty to certain pupils. When a PE teacher retired a few years ago a whole team of past students came and played a netball tournament and they socialised afterwards. There were a number of staff there as well as past pupils. I thought that was great.

Enjoy the wedding and explain to your husband that he’ll cope with you away just as you do!

You know he's being unreasonable, OP. Tell him to suck it up or you'll leave him.

@Ilovelurchers I posted on Thursday about the appalling safeguarding training I received from our local authority about eight years ago. It’s clear that there are esoteric interpretations of safeguarding guidance being delivered around the country with minimal consistency or quality assurance, and that the messages colleagues receive are subject to the bugbears of the individuals delivering the content.

The bottom line is that, despite declarations from some pp, there is nothing in KCSIE, or archived NCTL / GTCE guidance, or anywhere else, which precludes OP from maintaining a friendship with this adult former pupil. If you were told otherwise then I am sorry that you were given poor training which served as a distraction from the real and current daily practice of safeguarding. You might want to pursue this with your local authority.

Go. And don't batch cook meals in advance. Your DH sounds pathetic

Yes op. If you are going to be assertive leave him to also be assertive.

Stop bubble wrapping things for him.
He doesn't need you to arrange childcare or help for him, he is a parent.

You don't need to batch cook meals for him. He is a parent. Its is up to him to feed them.

Leave him to it op. And go away as often as he does, and prepare as much as he does, as equals.

If it wasn't this wedding scenario, your DH would be finding something else to resent. Because, it is about you putting energy towards something that doesn't benefit him. In fact, it actually means he has to pull his weight. He doesn't like that, does he? Please, look at the wider picture around your relationship, not just this current symptom of disgruntlement.