Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband thinks I'd be selfish to go to the wedding

398 replies

Ribyloo · 04/01/2024 14:50

A little context as I know otherwise this may sound odd. I am a teacher at an independent secondary school in the north. A few years ago I was really hating my job, i was teaching three A-Level subjects (Maths, Further Maths and Economics), had 3 small children, my mum was unwell. It was a time where I really wanted to quit and give up.
One student (the only girl in further maths and economics) was in all 3 of my A-Level classes, we developed a positive relationship and I ended up taking up a bit of a pastoral role with her too, she was struggling with her mental health.
She went on to study a related subject at a top university, then a masters and is now in her last year of her PhD in a related field. I've kept up with her progress and as a teacher I think she is possibly the student who I'm most proud of. There were days where my main motivation to go into work was knowing she was relying on me being my best so she could be her best and now I feel like I've seen her achieve that. Anytime I'm in London we meet for lunch or coffee, when she comes back up north she will pop into see me at work with cakes or a gift and to see her other A-Level teacher. This ex-pupil means a lot of me.
Today I received an invite in the mail for her wedding later this year. She's getting married in London, so would be a case of travelling Friday after work and back up the Sunday. Her other A-Level teacher has also been invited. My children are now between 10 and 16 so don't need me at home as much as they did. The issue is the Monday after I leave to take a group of pupils to Italy for a 5 day trip.
My husband thinks if I'm effectively gone Friday-Friday I'm being selfish, as he will be solely responsible for them for a whole week. I've offered to arrange for parents/friends to sort the kids but he still isn't happy. He said he'd get it if it were a friend or family member but not some "random ex pupil". This isn't the first time he's had a problem with this student, her graduation was an issue and several of our lunches have been a problem too.

AIBU to go the wedding even though my husband thinks it selfish? Or since she isn't family or a close friend should I put my family first and be there for them?

OP posts:
Leftoversgalore · 04/01/2024 16:31

Omg Go!!!!

I can't imagine being in a relationship where this would even be an issue.

DH would be delighted for me and I for him.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2024 16:32

Surely knowing what you've done for this student is a teacher's dream?

It's wonderful that she's kept in touch all these years - absolutely go!

It's not as if the trip you're leading is a holiday!

And when you come back you and your husband need to have a real sit down Come to Jesus conversation.

He's taken you for granted too long

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2024 16:33

Ribyloo · 04/01/2024 15:07

They get the school bus to and from school, the older two go to the same school I teach at. My parents will pick the youngest up from school. On the weekend the only running around is the youngest has dance on the Saturday morning. DD sorts herself out using buses or the train for the most part now and DS doesn't really need taken anywhere, if he does my dad will take him.

Show quote history

Then he's really taking the piss

How will is life actually be affected?

When will he have to parent?

RosieBurdock · 04/01/2024 16:34

Yanbu. Why can't your dh cope with a 10 and 16 year old alone that weekend? How odd.
The school trip is irrelevant as you'd be going to that anyway and it's a work requirement. So that should be left out of it.

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2024 16:34

369damnshesfine · 04/01/2024 15:20

Hmmm I’m pretty surprised by these responses.

There is no issue going away for a week.
And if your DH says there was then I’d think he was a dick.

But he seems to be uncomfortable with the relationship you have with this girl and tbh when I read it I have to say that I agree.

Anytime I'm in London we meet for lunch or coffee,

I feel that this is more inappropriate than going to a wedding.

And it made me a bit uncomfortable reading it.
I can’t imagine having such a close relationship with any of my ex pupils.

She's not a child any more is she?

And wouldn't you like to have helped someone to achieve so much?

Also, the OP isn't the only former teacher going

TallulahG · 04/01/2024 16:34

As a Designated Safeguarding Lead at a secondary, I can confirm this happens and it's not remotely a safeguarding issue. Each school has their own time frame, ours is no personal contact until over 18.

I have a lovely relationship with a few ex pupils, I have a similar friendship with a student now 24 doing a PhD and I would absolutely go to her wedding.

You crack on, doing nothing wrong, except letting your selfish husband get into your head and make you feel selfish when you're not.

Have a lovely time!

OwlWeiwei · 04/01/2024 16:34

If he can't care for his own children for a week, he's the problem, not you. Good grief!

Cherrysoup · 04/01/2024 16:35

What exactly is your DH’s issue? Is he horrified at having to parent without you? Or pissed off that you’re adding a weekend away to your school trip (shocker!)

Nanny0gg · 04/01/2024 16:35

bouncingballer · 04/01/2024 15:23

As someone also in education, I find it absurd and weird that this situation with the pupil even happened. I don’t know why no body else does, but fuck me, it’s against safeguarding.

It would be different if you ran into each other in later life but it seems like you just stayed in touch. So odd.

Not the point of the question, but still, weird

She's an adult!!

Fuzziduck · 04/01/2024 16:36

Boo hoo, he has to parent his older, capable children on his own for a week.
Go.
He is jealous and a bit controlling.

Notsuredontknow · 04/01/2024 16:36

He is being ridiculous and unreasonable. I would argue she IS a good friend and even if she wasn’t, what’s the issue with you being away for 7 days as opposed to 5?! This sounds like a combination of panic/dread at having to parent solo for a week (his problem) and a bit of jealousy that you’ve formed this bond with this girl (also his problem). Hope you go and have a lovely time

MrsMarzetti · 04/01/2024 16:37

Go and have a great time. The time in Italy is not a holiday and if your manchild can't understand that then he is a fool. Don't arrange anything for when you are away, if he cannot cope running a household for a week or looking after children after being married and a father for years then shame on him. If he thinks you are being selfish for going away for a week what does that make him when he often goes away for 2 weeks ? A spoiled misogynistic twat is what it makes him. You are teaching your daughter that it is a woman's job to do everything and to bow down to her partner.

ohdamnitjanet · 04/01/2024 16:38

Ribyloo · 04/01/2024 15:05

No, no drip feed. He frequently goes away for work for up to 2 weeks at a time, I never complain. He doesn't have to change anything till be there for the kids either over the weekend or in the week (they are going to my parents afterschool, he can collect them on the way home, 16 year old will go home and let herself in). I'll batch cook the weekend before and freeze it so he doesn't have to cook.
I'm not sure why he has such an issue, but this is for normal for him and sometimes he does get into my head and make me wonder if I am the problem.

Show quote history

When he disappears for two weeks does he batch cook for you? Of course not. Go, have a lovely time, please don’t cook or shop for this grown man child. He can go fuck his lazy selfish jealous arse. I’d be very proud of your lovely pupil too.

RosieBurdock · 04/01/2024 16:39

My parents' elderly neighbour sometimes meets up with ex pupils. Also from the private sector. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. It's nice.

FictionalCharacter · 04/01/2024 16:39

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/01/2024 14:59

Of course you aren’t selfish. You want to add an additional couple of days for yourself for something and someone important to you, on to a planned working week away.

Have you ever asked him directly what his problem is regarding this former student? It sounds like jealousy of you feeling a sense of pride and achievement in their success, and them partially crediting you for that. Is he jealous of you succeeding or taking pride in other areas of life?

I agree. This isn't just about you going to a wedding, there's something underlying that he resents.
But whatever is going on in his head, yanbu and he's being a dick.

SassiestPants · 04/01/2024 16:39

He's being an absolute bellend OP, I really hope you go and have an amazing time celebrating your pupil.

SiobhanSharpe · 04/01/2024 16:39

@bouncingballer perhaps see the post by TallulahG, (Designated Safeguarding Lead, rather than 'someone in education') above.

RosieBurdock · 04/01/2024 16:40

Don't batch cook op. If he can't cook for a 10 and 16 year old at the weekend it's about time he started.

Jessieshome · 04/01/2024 16:40

Go to the wedding, go straight to the Italy trip, and don't come back (except to rescue the kids from their twat of a dad).

PieAndLattes · 04/01/2024 16:40

bouncingballer · 04/01/2024 15:23

As someone also in education, I find it absurd and weird that this situation with the pupil even happened. I don’t know why no body else does, but fuck me, it’s against safeguarding.

It would be different if you ran into each other in later life but it seems like you just stayed in touch. So odd.

Not the point of the question, but still, weird

It’s not odd at all. My DSis still keeps in touch with her physics A level teacher who went above and beyond to help her get the grade she needed to get into a competitive course at university. She’s 52 now and has never forgotten his kindness and support. Before he retired she went to visit him at school every Christmas and brought buns, and now she goes to his house for coffee once in a while. This former pupil is what, at least 24 or 25 now? She’s an adult and has been for years - a successful one at that. Why would there be a safeguarding issue?

pushbaum · 04/01/2024 16:42

bouncingballer · 04/01/2024 15:23

As someone also in education, I find it absurd and weird that this situation with the pupil even happened. I don’t know why no body else does, but fuck me, it’s against safeguarding.

It would be different if you ran into each other in later life but it seems like you just stayed in touch. So odd.

Not the point of the question, but still, weird

The OP has said the former student got in touch the year after she left school and they've kept in touch. She's now 24. The OP has no position of authority with her - she doesn't even need her as a reference for a job at this stage. What exactly is the problem as you see it (apart from you personally finding it 'weird') ?

PieAndLattes · 04/01/2024 16:42

OP, is your husband an idiot? Is there some reason he can’t manage his own semi independent children for one week?

MzHz · 04/01/2024 16:42

As a former single parent it boils my piss to see all the hoops some women make to support their able bodied fully functional adult husbands look after their OWN children who DONT actually need much of any additional support

@Ribyloo you need to stay very calm and sit your h down and explain to him that HE regularly goes away for his work, and for TWICE the amount of time that you do and you have not once lifted so much as an eyebrow

if he wants to get into a pissing competition and stop all independent travel, that cuts both ways. He has no right to clip your wings any more than you should clip his.

tell him that you’re not discussing this another second longer and you’re already doing way more in terms of arrangements to support him for the 7 days you’re away than he ever does for the 14 days he goes.

I’d be really disappointed in this and would be very clear with him about it.

JoyeuxNarwhal · 04/01/2024 16:43

He's not wrong, you're going for you, so it is selfish. That doesn't mean it's bad or you shouldn't do it though!

pushbaum · 04/01/2024 16:43

TallulahG · 04/01/2024 16:34

As a Designated Safeguarding Lead at a secondary, I can confirm this happens and it's not remotely a safeguarding issue. Each school has their own time frame, ours is no personal contact until over 18.

I have a lovely relationship with a few ex pupils, I have a similar friendship with a student now 24 doing a PhD and I would absolutely go to her wedding.

You crack on, doing nothing wrong, except letting your selfish husband get into your head and make you feel selfish when you're not.

Have a lovely time!

Ah I see this now - my understanding as well - once the student has left the school and is an adult, all fine.