Husband thinks I'd be selfish to go to the wedding

[Ribyloo]

A little context as I know otherwise this may sound odd. I am a teacher at an independent secondary school in the north. A few years ago I was really hating my job, i was teaching three A-Level subjects (Maths, Further Maths and Economics), had 3 small children, my mum was unwell. It was a time where I really wanted to quit and give up.
One student (the only girl in further maths and economics) was in all 3 of my A-Level classes, we developed a positive relationship and I ended up taking up a bit of a pastoral role with her too, she was struggling with her mental health.
She went on to study a related subject at a top university, then a masters and is now in her last year of her PhD in a related field. I've kept up with her progress and as a teacher I think she is possibly the student who I'm most proud of. There were days where my main motivation to go into work was knowing she was relying on me being my best so she could be her best and now I feel like I've seen her achieve that. Anytime I'm in London we meet for lunch or coffee, when she comes back up north she will pop into see me at work with cakes or a gift and to see her other A-Level teacher. This ex-pupil means a lot of me.
Today I received an invite in the mail for her wedding later this year. She's getting married in London, so would be a case of travelling Friday after work and back up the Sunday. Her other A-Level teacher has also been invited. My children are now between 10 and 16 so don't need me at home as much as they did. The issue is the Monday after I leave to take a group of pupils to Italy for a 5 day trip.
My husband thinks if I'm effectively gone Friday-Friday I'm being selfish, as he will be solely responsible for them for a whole week. I've offered to arrange for parents/friends to sort the kids but he still isn't happy. He said he'd get it if it were a friend or family member but not some "random ex pupil". This isn't the first time he's had a problem with this student, her graduation was an issue and several of our lunches have been a problem too.

AIBU to go the wedding even though my husband thinks it selfish? Or since she isn't family or a close friend should I put my family first and be there for them?

Just go - what a lovely relationship to have had and maintained with a student. As for the husband? Well, he's a selfish . And does sound somewhat jealous of this relationship. Enjoy yourself, please.

Oh OP no, you really must go to the wedding!

You will really regret it if you don’t go, OP. It’s not some random pupil. It’s someone whose life you have materially changed for the better with whom you now have a good relationship with. Your husband is being a total twat. Is he jealous of seeing you make such a positive difference?

Exactly!

Posters just jump on agreeing with OP and disagreeing with her DH simply because he’s a man.

OP has said he wouldn’t have an issue with it if it was a friend or family member, yet posters are falling over themselves to try and normalise it.

If this was her DH regularly meeting up with an ex pupil and speaking the way she speaks about them then everyone would be saying it’s completely inappropriate.

It is inappropriate.
Staying friends and regularly meeting up with an ex student is inappropriate.
Any friendship who makes your partner feel uncomfortable is inappropriate.

It’s funny how much they are falling for this BS from a poster who has never posted before 🤔

It's a lovely story OP and I am astounded your OH has a problem with it.

Tell him you're going and that's that.

^ this!! Selfish twat.

Even if they were toddlers , they are HIS CHILDREN

OP has said he wouldn’t have an issue with it if it was a friend or family member
No, OP has said he would get why she wants to go to the wedding if it was a relative or friend. Firstly the ex-student is a friend anyway and secondly nothing about that assessment pf the situation suggests the H "wouldn't have an issue with it". Sounds like he'd be just as difficult just without trying to make it sound weird on top.

Yes now it wouldn’t be an issue but this started when the pupil was 18/19.

OP also admits having an extra close relationship whilst they were under 18.

I’m not arguing whether it’s appropriate for an ex student to have a relationship with an old teacher, that’s for another thread - I’m saying that this level of closeness is inappropriate and the fact that this is an issue in the marriage shows that it’s inappropriate.

Oh do wise up!

Go back to the 18th century. You're missed there.

"because he's a man"????? Because he's a selfish prick who doesn't want to be responsible for his own children!!

So we're only allowed to be friends with people our menfolk deem appropriate???

Wow.

Are you kidding? Why? She's not a "girl", she's an adult woman with a PhD. As am I, and whenever my favourite A-Level teacher is in my city, we also meet for coffee. You seem to be implying some sort of sexual element??

Nothing wrong with this at all OP. Perfectly normal. I've attended an ex student's graduation. I've even had a students bring their baby in to show me whilst I was at work teaching. I've also had an ex student become my colleague after they graduated. There is another student who jokingly told me if he scored 100 percent in my subject he would do me a hip replacement if I needed it, as he went into medicine and I told him if he's in private practice earning a fortune I'll be taking him up on it. The latter said in jest but on results day he hunted me out and told me he was deadly serious. Pity he's now a blood specialist. 😭

This is so lovely, I wish I had had such a close relationship with any of my teachers.
Ignore your husband, you MUST go to the wedding, I think you’ll be really sad if you don’t.

Perhaps you should wise up some more and realise that we all posted our first thread at one point.

I don't spell words backwards. I also take people at face value until proven otherwise. It's a much more positive way to live. Try it.

@369damnshesfine

You're twisting my words. I taught 3 of her 4 A-Levels, two of those classes had 5/6 pupils, I was close to all those pupils. I also took on a pastoral role (which is normal as a teacher), she would chat to me about being stressed/worried about exams/home life. That's normal!!
I then didn't hear from her for a year then got her email. There was absolutely no blurring of lines.

Absolutely go and tell him to get stuffed with his unsupportive stance. You should be very proud of your input with ex pupil and a lovely supportive teacher. Can't believe some pp's saying it's a safeguarding concern. What a load of bollox that is!

Sounds to me like the student is now also a friend. I would definitely go to her wedding. Your husband sounds like a lazy whingeing git.

She's not a random ex pupil, she's your friend! Definitely go to the wedding and to Italy too. DH can manage a couple of tween DCs for a few days, it's not a big ask really.

I had an amazing maths teacher. I left school in 2001 and I went to his wedding in 2021!

He would DEFINITELY be high on my list if I ever got married!

How lovely to be invited, your husband should be incredibly proud! Absolutely go.

It's really sad when people jump to inappropriate conclusions, just because a teacher helped a pupil with her mental health and then they became friends.

OP your husband is weird. You are married, she's getting married. You clearly don't fancy each other, nor will suddenly enter into a lesbian at her wedding.

If I'm wrong, and you're planning to declare to the whole church that she's having an affair with you, and should not be getting married, then off course your H is being reasonable and YABU.

Can't believe it's 2024.

People will be outraged when they find out my colleague is a man (admittedly gay) and has also kept in touch with her!

Exchanging emails with your 19 year old ex pupil to arrange lunches and coffees is absolutely inappropriate.

Most grown adults don’t exchange their email addresses with a 19 year old as most grown adults wouldn’t want to be friends with a 19yo, even if they were a student or not.

I used to teach mine until they were 18/19 and still regularly bump into them around the area - I would never think it was appropriate for me to exchange emails with a 19yo, let alone meet up with them on a regular basis.