Husband thinks I'd be selfish to go to the wedding

[Ribyloo]

A little context as I know otherwise this may sound odd. I am a teacher at an independent secondary school in the north. A few years ago I was really hating my job, i was teaching three A-Level subjects (Maths, Further Maths and Economics), had 3 small children, my mum was unwell. It was a time where I really wanted to quit and give up.
One student (the only girl in further maths and economics) was in all 3 of my A-Level classes, we developed a positive relationship and I ended up taking up a bit of a pastoral role with her too, she was struggling with her mental health.
She went on to study a related subject at a top university, then a masters and is now in her last year of her PhD in a related field. I've kept up with her progress and as a teacher I think she is possibly the student who I'm most proud of. There were days where my main motivation to go into work was knowing she was relying on me being my best so she could be her best and now I feel like I've seen her achieve that. Anytime I'm in London we meet for lunch or coffee, when she comes back up north she will pop into see me at work with cakes or a gift and to see her other A-Level teacher. This ex-pupil means a lot of me.
Today I received an invite in the mail for her wedding later this year. She's getting married in London, so would be a case of travelling Friday after work and back up the Sunday. Her other A-Level teacher has also been invited. My children are now between 10 and 16 so don't need me at home as much as they did. The issue is the Monday after I leave to take a group of pupils to Italy for a 5 day trip.
My husband thinks if I'm effectively gone Friday-Friday I'm being selfish, as he will be solely responsible for them for a whole week. I've offered to arrange for parents/friends to sort the kids but he still isn't happy. He said he'd get it if it were a friend or family member but not some "random ex pupil". This isn't the first time he's had a problem with this student, her graduation was an issue and several of our lunches have been a problem too.

AIBU to go the wedding even though my husband thinks it selfish? Or since she isn't family or a close friend should I put my family first and be there for them?

Why isn’t this an issue when the father is away for 2 weeks but is suddenly an issue when OP is away?

@369damnshesfine

This post has shown that other teachers have also kept in touch with their students.
She is studying a topic I have a genuine interest in, we have fascinating conversations as despite her being younger she is perfectly capable of holding an intellectual conversation.
We can agree to disagree on the appropriateness as my head teacher strongly encourages they keep in touch I have nothing to worry about!

"Anytime I'm in London we meet for lunch or coffee,

I feel that this is more inappropriate than going to a wedding."

What? Why?

Exchanging emails with your 19 year old ex pupil to arrange lunches and coffees is absolutely inappropriate.
I disagree. As do many others on here, including OP's own headteacher who I assume is responsible for any safeguarding concerns.

The ex-student is an adult with whom OP has had a friendship as an adult.

I got goosebumps reading this. Then I had tears in my eyes. You absolutely HAVE to go. It would mean the world to her. You sound like a wonderful teacher and she sounds like she has made a great success of her life, which she probably attributes partly to you. I would let your husband read your original post and just reiterate that she’s not a random student. It sounds like you’ve really made a difference to this girl’s life.

It's really sad when people jump to inappropriate conclusions, just because a teacher helped a pupil with her mental health and then they became friends.

Perhaps it's the fact the OP makes it clear this help was reciprocal that is making some people feel it's a little inappropriate; if the OP had confided in her husband at the time that teaching this girl was the only thing keeping her going at work - or if he was astute enough to pick up on it without it being verbalised - it's understandable why he may have some concerns over the nature of the friendship. For clarity, I'm not suggesting a burgeoning lesbian relationship, or even that her husband's concerns are entirely reasonable (for example if he feels jealousy towards the ex-pupil); just that if he knows or suspects this pupil was something of a 'crutch' to the OP at a time she was low, it would explain why he may have unease over the ongoing friendship.

Go! Tell your dh you don't put your foot down for his lengthy work trips (Italy is work) or weekends with friends. He sounds nasty.

I can't see how keeping in touch with her is inappropriate. I think its lovely that you were able to help her through something and her you in a round about way.
My mum who is in her 70's is still in touch with her old teacher who helped her through similar many many years ago. She visits her in her nursing home now from time to time, as she is well into her 90's. I think its lovely they are still in touch. Nothing inappropriate about it at all.

OP, you should go to the wedding. I cannot see what his issue is. Its not like you're leaving him holding the baby and toddlers for weeks. And the fact he goes away for work for 2 weeks at a time, just makes his argument even more laughable. He does realise he is a parent doesn't he?

Why is it inappropriate? You’ve stated that you think it is (multiple times). So, tell us why.

Have you asked him why it's ok for him to go away for 2 weeks but you can't for 1 week?

He's sounds like a controlling selfish hypocrite!

Your husband isn’t doing you a favour by looking after them whilst you’re not there. It is his job and responsibility just as much as it is yours. I presume going away for a week at a time isn’t something you do constantly so it’s not as if you’re taking the piss. Tell him to grow up and get over it. Why should you have to miss out on the wedding of someone important to you just because he’s being lazy.

Or course you're not being selfish. He is.

When he goes away, for whatever reason, I see he just goes and leaves you to sort it all. And yet here you are planning to arrange for help with childcare, household issues, batch cook in advance. WTF?!

He's an entitled arse who see all that as your responsibility to sort for him. Not acceptable.

Ah so, I shouldn't keep in contact with my step niece until she's... what? What age is it suddenly appropriate to have contact with a young adult you've known since they were kids?

Your husband is being a dick, especially since you say he regularly goes away with work for 2 weeks at a time. Just point this out. What is it with men that they still, even in the 21st century, consider their own children to be their wife's problem (until it comes to the divorce, when they try and go for 50/50 so they won't have to pay maintenance)?

Twenty years after teaching a student and never setting eyes on her since... she invited me and my family to her wedding.

I had a lot of dealings with her in her final year at school then nothing until years later when she sent me a friends request on Facebook.

She was a very troubled young lady who had a very difficult childhood. She says that I inspired her to want to do well in life and that I was the only person she had felt able to turn to whilst at school.

We went to the wedding - some distance away as she had subsequently left the area - and had a lovely time.

Everybody at the wedding knew who we were and we were greeted so warmly.

It was an honour to attend and I felt very proud and privileged that my input all those years ago had meant so much to her.

Go to the ball wedding, OP.

No, OP has said nothing about this help being reciprocal.

You’ve twisted OP’s words, she just meant that this was a student keen on learning and OP was motivated to keep being a good teacher to this student and therefore the class.

Can one of the posters insisting this is inappropriate spell out what exactly they mean? Very confused as to how this friendship has any safeguarding concerns.

Go, go go! Your DH is being a twit.

You have a lovely special relationship with this young lady and I think you know yourself that you should go. It's not ideal timing but neither event can be changed and it's many months away so plenty of time to put things in place to keep everyone happy. Your husband is being selfish, he knows full well this is not just a 'random student' and he should be ashamed of his reaction.

I think you should stop engaging with the tiny minority of people who will ALWAYS seek to make things the OP’s fault, regardless of the facts at hand. They are irrelevant, so ignore. Do not try to justify yourself.

As the majority of posters have stated, your DH is being an arse. He’s also being hypocritical (as evidenced by his long work trips). You should obviously go to the wedding, but I also think you might need a bit of a crash course in standing up for yourself and not tolerating his bollocks, as you say he’s often like this. What you’ve described isn’t how kind, supportive partners behave.

Please make sure you go. Your husband is being very unreasonable.
My son had a teacher that means a lot to him. He had a hard time at secondary school and honestly I’m not sure he would have made it through if not for this teacher. He’s kept in contact with him. He went on to do his degree in the subject this teacher taught also.
You have made a big positive difference in this young persons life, don’t ever underestimate that or let it be twisted.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going away for a week.

I do think there would be different responses if Op posted ‘dh is going away for 5 days for work. That’s no issue. However, his friend is getting married and it’s quite a long way, away. So he has now decided that he is going to the wedding. Just him. Friday to Sunday. Then will come back Sunday and leave again Monday. Didn’t really discuss it. Just decided he was and when I objected he said it was tough and he was going anyway’

Like I said, there’s nothing wrong with going away for a week. But I am always amazed at the reactions of posters (not all but many) when men want to go away.

I'm an adoptive parent to a now 19 year old son.
There is a very special lady from his life before me who happens to be his primary school teacher.
We are still in touch, she was a very important part of his life, she is incredibly proud of him and we will be forever grateful to her for the part she played in his life.
After family, she is top of the list for an invite to his wedding

He's not being a twit, he's being a selfish and controlling dick. I presume the trip to Italy is in half term? If not, I'd be staying on and leaving him to it in the school holidays for a bit longer.

Please go, YANBU. I'm sure he'll survive the week.