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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She won't let me in her house

438 replies

Xmasdread22 · 02/01/2024 22:15

I have a friend I met through work. We've been friends 5 years. She doesn't let any friends in her house. We've been on nights out and to meals together but she won't let anyone in her house. I dropped her home the other day and I was desperate for the toilet and she wouldn't let me in to use it. Has anyone else had this before?

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 02/01/2024 23:43

I’d bet she’s a hoarder and embarrassed.

Also very intrigued by the previous poster with hobbies that cause judgement?!

who on earth judges hobbies?

oakleaffy · 02/01/2024 23:44

PegasusReturns · 02/01/2024 23:43

I’d bet she’s a hoarder and embarrassed.

Also very intrigued by the previous poster with hobbies that cause judgement?!

who on earth judges hobbies?

A growing weed hobby?

LittleMissSunshiner · 02/01/2024 23:45

oakleaffy · 02/01/2024 23:44

A growing weed hobby?

Show quote history

Crystal Meth lab perchance?

Couldn't go in for your own personal safety as she needs hazmat just to get to her bedroom.

RedToothBrush · 02/01/2024 23:45

Firefretted · 02/01/2024 22:16

Hoarder and ashamed of it?

This.

I know someone like this and she has eventually admitted it.

Lookingforbiscoff · 02/01/2024 23:48

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/01/2024 22:56

No. Someone who can’t even bring themselves to let tradespeople in to fix broken appliances and would rather go without isn’t being mean.

Show quote history

I agree and if Op knew about her issues if anything she was the one being insensitive to ask her colleague knowing she - for whatever reason - is uncomfortable to have people over.

It would be different if they knew she let everyone in and she was deliberately singling out OP to exclude her, but that’s not the case here.

As PPs have said it’ll probably be do with mess/hoarding or some germ phobia. Don’t take it personally OP and just let her be.

Mygosh · 02/01/2024 23:49

Maybe the house is in a state of disrepair.

When I got my new home, I didn't have lots of money. It took me ages to decorate and lay flooring. There's no way I'd have let anyone in. My neighbour thought I'd snubbed her for not letting her in!

For whatever reason, I don't think you should hold it against her. Maybe she is embarrassed. Maybe the toilet is like trainspotting 😂

AngelaChasesBestLife · 02/01/2024 23:55

I have a very dear friend who is like this. In her case it is to do with her DP. He doesn't like anyone in their house and for some reason she puts up with this and does all her socialising out of their house.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2024 23:56

Bloom15 · 02/01/2024 23:24

That is odd to me

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It's perfectly logical and thoughtful to me.

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 02/01/2024 23:56

Maybe it was a bit of a mess? Or maybe she just doesn't like people in her space.

Soldaret · 02/01/2024 23:57

I had an elderly friend of the family who was like this. She had been a friend of my grandma's, my mum had known her for 65 years, never once been in her house. Then the elderly friend had a stroke at the age of 80, had to call an ambulance and thats when we discovered she was a hoarder. What we saw was unbelievable. She was always immaculately dressed but no idea how because her house was rammed with stuff. The bathroom ceiling had partially collapsed, didn't look like the bath/shower/toilet had been used in years. One bedroom (her dad's - he had died when she was in her late 20s)looked like her dad had just left one day & never came back and she had left it that way ever since. The kitchen was completely unusable/inaccessible, stuff piled to the ceiling. My mum had given her a Christmas cake every year and she must have had 20 of them piled up, never touched. It took so long to clear everything, she had been too embarrassed to tell anyone.

mn29 · 02/01/2024 23:59

Sounds like she’s embarrassed about something. Maybe the decor is outdated or it’s very untidy or dirty. Does she live with someone? Maybe she’s embarrassed about them. It sounds sad whatever the reason.

Fairyliz · 03/01/2024 00:00

I’m part of a friendship group and one of the women is like this. One of my friends has known her 35 years and never been in her house!
The thing that annoys me is that she is more than happy to accept invitations to other people’s house for coffee, meals etc.
Last time I was hosting I wasn’t going to invite her, but was told by the rest of the group that this would be unkind.
I think she is just lazy and her house is filthy.

Violinist64 · 03/01/2024 00:02

Not letting workmen in to fix appliances is often a red flag for being a hoarder. I am guessing that this is the most likely reason.

LifeIsALemon · 03/01/2024 00:05

We are an autistic family. Only close friends and family visit and only with notice so we all know and are happy.

Our home is our safe space and I won't risk it feeling unsafe for anyone.

If we need work done we try to diy or get help from a tradesperson we know and one of us takes the kids out if possible so they don't have to sit with someone in their space.

I'd not let a work friend into my house that my kids don't know. It causes unnecessary distress.

Rachie1973 · 03/01/2024 00:05

FreebieHound · 02/01/2024 22:36

Does she have children living with her? I'd actually consider reporting to SS if she does. She's obviously hiding something.

Sure, phone them and tell them you’re concerned about her children because you weren’t allowed to use her loo,

SerenChocolateMuncher · 03/01/2024 00:05

RampantIvy · 02/01/2024 22:31

Everyone sticking up for the colleague - don't you think it is rather mean to not let a work colleague use the loo when they needed to?

I think it was mean of OP to ask to use her friend's loo when she has known for five years that she doesn't want to invite her in.

I might suspect that OP didn't need to use the loo at all and simply wanted to force her friend to invite her in against her will.

TattleTalesTattling · 03/01/2024 00:07

NosnowontheScottishhills · 02/01/2024 22:39

My friend admitted the other day that she was too embarrassed by the condition of her home, especially in comparison to mine, to feel comfortable inviting me in. I was slightly taken aback I thought she would have realised that Im the sort of person who couldn’t care less what people’s houses look like inside.

Edited

It's nothing to do with what sort of person she knows you are/not. It's nothing to do with you at all.

She's embarrassed about her home and nothing you say will change that so just forget it and move on.

LifeIsALemon · 03/01/2024 00:08

In my current house I'd let you use the loo as it's by the front door and not near where the kids generally are. If it required you having to go through the house and upstairs it would have to be a no.

Beautiful3 · 03/01/2024 00:10

That's so rude of her. I wouldn't ever give her another lift again.

Beseen22 · 03/01/2024 00:12

My SIL has been married 15 years and lives less than a mile away from her other SIL. She sees her about once a fortnight. She has never once been invited to her SIL's house in all that time and none of the kids have either.

hogmanayhoolie · 03/01/2024 00:15

FreebieHound · 02/01/2024 22:35

What a rude, unkind bitch. It's one thing not "hosting" but to tell a friend they couldn't use the loo is appalling. I wouldn't be rushing to continue the friendship.

That's not a very nice post

Why is she a bitch?

Loveablockheel · 03/01/2024 00:17

think it was mean of OP to ask to use her friend's loo when she has known for five years that she doesn't want to invite her in.

I might suspect that OP didn't need to use the loo at all and simply wanted to force her friend to invite her in against her will.

I think this as well, I have a friend of many years, I have never been inside her house even though she has been to mine many times, I know from things she has said that she really doesn’t have an eye for decor and feels a bit awkward about her home so I would never put her in a position that made her feel uncomfortable by asking to use her loo or turning up unexpectedly at her front door.

StockpotSoup · 03/01/2024 00:22

What if OP had bladder issues or IBS? People can't always hold it. MN always full of people desperate to diagnose SN or find other justifications for never opening their front door to anyone, but in the real world, normal people don't behave like this.

You say people are desperate to diagnose SN, but you’re the one a) inventing bladder issues for the OP and b) deciding those issues are more important than any the colleague may have.

We had a thread on here this evening where someone said she hadn't seen her neighbour's kid in 3 months and the curtains were always shut and the consensus was to call police for a welfare check.

Well that’s hardly surprising, is it? Kids don’t generally disappear for months on end. It’s in no way comparable to someone you don’t even know has children not letting someone in to use the loo.

StockpotSoup · 03/01/2024 00:24

SerenChocolateMuncher · 03/01/2024 00:05

I think it was mean of OP to ask to use her friend's loo when she has known for five years that she doesn't want to invite her in.

I might suspect that OP didn't need to use the loo at all and simply wanted to force her friend to invite her in against her will.

Show quote history

Exactly. Just how coincidental was it that the OP needed to use the loo when she was dropping off that particular friend?

StockpotSoup · 03/01/2024 00:25

I think she is just lazy and her house is filthy.

Well, when it’s her birthday that’s your Moonpig card message sorted, isn’t it?