She won't let me in her house

[Xmasdread22]

I have a friend I met through work. We've been friends 5 years. She doesn't let any friends in her house. We've been on nights out and to meals together but she won't let anyone in her house. I dropped her home the other day and I was desperate for the toilet and she wouldn't let me in to use it. Has anyone else had this before?

My mother's house is basically an absolute mess, she does hoard things. Think she has probably always been like this but has got worse. The thing is, she doesn't seem to care who comes in and sees it.
I've tried to help, I'll clean the kitchen then go in a couple of days later and it will be a mess again, food lying everywhere, peelings and tea bags lying in the sink etc.
She won't let me do more.
She has mental health issues has been taking diazepam for years, nothing officially diagnosed as far as I know.
She sits about surrounded by crap, It enrages me just going there. I've posted before under a different name about it, there's so much more I could say.

Hoarder? Severe anxiety about people criticizing her housekeeping or the state of her home? Controlling partner?

I always feel a bit defensive when I read these threads as I know the shoe fits and it makes me wonder what people think about me 😂

In my case there are several reasons.

My autistic DC finds it stressful having people over. There will be no nice cuppa and a chat, he'll be shrieking and running around.

The place is clean but there's always boxes of toys strewn across the floor and stuff everywhere, ala young children.

My downstairs neighbours always moan about noise.

My DP works nights so sleeps during the day. The bedroom is next to the living room.

I have ADHD myself and can't cope with unannounced guests as I need to mentally prepare for socialising otherwise I'm anxious.

I just finding hosting really stressful.

I have a new ish friend of 2 years who has been trying to come in. I usually cite DP being asleep as a reason why it isn't convenient to have coffee or a play date here.

A couple of weeks ago when chatting outside she sprang it on me that her DD urgently needed the loo and can she use mine. I said yes and told her where it was but I felt quite stressed out about it as I hadn't tidied up.

She ended up looking around the whole flat, even in drawers. I didn't realise what was going on until she didn't emerge after 5 minutes or so.

I felt on edge for the rest of the day.

What would she say to her mum about the mess? Would her mum ask questions about what the flat is like?

It's all just stress I don't need 😂

"Boundaries" - what nonsense!!!

What sort of person doesn't let someone into their house if they are desperate for the loo? I would say she is ashamed of something, either she's a hoarder or the place is filthy.

I have to say that in all my many years on this earth I have never encountered such weird people as are on MN. It is extremely unusual for anyone to behave like that - well, it is where I live anyway - but according to the replies on here it is a perfectly normal thing.

1. Her house is a marijuana farm
2. The place is kitted out like a sex dungeon
3. Tropical pets
4. Unusually beset by people finding ways to come into her house and simply will not abide this
5. Ghosts

Totally agree with you.
Don’t know what the OP’s situation is oe how desperate she was but I have a friend with a medical condition which means that when she needs to go, she NEEDS to go. She would not care about seeing mess/hoarding/anything else. Denying someone use of the toilet is pure scummy.

My friend's house is a deathtrap. His wife with probable dementia won't allow bulbs to be replaced or kitchen appliances that she's forgotten how to operate to be used. They have no hot water. Before retirement she was her GP's receptionist, they take a view that if she's happy, they're happy.
Personally, both me and the OH are hoarders. Removing 25% of the contents of every room would still leave clutter that most folks would struggle with.
Even if you live 20 miles away, I would be the designated driver, so the loo issue wouldn't arise.

I used to have a friend like that. I don’t think she was a hoarder, she had a cleaner who came once a week from agency, whenever she had boyfriend of a few months they were allowed to stay but she never let me or any other friends into her flat. She has been at mine many times but I was never invited. Once she called me in tears about something and I asked if she wants me to come over, she was very grateful, said, yes please. I got there in 25 minutes, she was standing outside and said let’s go somewhere. When I gently pointed out that her face was all red from crying, she asked to walk around the block.
she called me her best friend and I asked her once when she was declaring her friendship, does she realise I have never been to her place, she pretended she never noticed that was the case. Then years later she got upset with me about something and just ghosted me. I never found out the reason why she never allowed friends in but I always suspected she had some mental health issues as now and then she would disappear completely (not answer phone, texts etc) and then re-appear after a few months saying she was in a bad place and didn’t want to see anyone. Perhaps having people over stressed her out…
I will never know.

She must have serious issues - either a hoarder or just exceptionally selfish not to let someone use the loo when they need it.

I'm prone to a bit of hoarding but even after a declutter and a good deep clean I don't really like people in my home. It's my bolt hole, my safe place. I don't really wear clothes at home either and I like my home cooler than most. My friends know this. I've not really had social callers for years. If a friend or acquaintance pushed it I'd elect to not be friends if that's a condition. I'm ND.
I'd be asking myself why you're so bothered. Sounds to me like the only issue really is your curiosity. That's not a bad thing as such but I'd just let it go.

Hi is that social services? Yes, I'm worried about my friends children.

What's your concern?

Well she wouldn't let me use her loo and she never invites me in so I'm assuming her children are living in squalor

How bad are things

Oh I've never seen anything. I've not even asked her. She's an unkind butch so we don't speak now.

@FreebieHound 'rude, unkind'. Oh the irony.....

I'd never accept a lift from anyone.

This is odd to me too...but it's fine. I'd imagine people know exactly where they stand with Bloom. I don't like people knowing certain stuff about me either. It's not a problem. It's a difference

She's ashamed of her home and doesn't want you to think k less of her I would imagine.

Maybe she is lazy. Maybe her house is filthy...and maybe having people into her home would cause her unknown stress. I don't share my home. I visit others. One friend was a single mum with kids, one guy was a smoker and one had an adapted home to accomodate their disability. It suited all of them better. My part would be to bring some treats and of course do the travel bit. My mates would be having a glass of wine and I'd be driving home. I used to envy one who sat in her PJs.
If you don't wanna be her friend don't.

Yes boundaries! You ask what sort of person, then you give 2 possible explanations. Shame could cover multiple things. Then there ND challenges, either her own or household members. I think it's probably more common than you realise you've just led a closeted life and literally have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.
You're finding out about it now on MN because it's anonymous. People cross dress, wet themselves, practice witchcraft, have hairy nipples, are virgins, are scared of cabbages, have torrettes, are addicted to pain killers, wear a wig etc etc etc...things folk don't normally share....but they walk amongst us!

Shithole

@BlackFriYay in drawers?? Rummaging around? That is appalling 😯

People differ and have different circumstances so although our house isn't pristine I wouldn't have an issue with someone coming in to use the loo.

There are 2 of us and we both lock our bedroom doors, separate toilet and bathroom upstairs. No-one would be able to have a rummage. Well they could try but they wouldn't get very far, they could look at the pot plants in the bathroom I suppose

Don't get the impression the toilet refuser hates OP!

Yes - the most straightforward explanation is likely the most probable one

I have friends from home - like lifetime friends.
The brother married one friend and the sister & I have been friends for 60+ years.
My friend told me that the hoarding in the married’s house is so bad the trash & garbage is HIP DEEP.
The county has threatened them several times with condemnation because of all the junked trucks & cars & tractors scattered about their yard.
It’s a mental illness. They’re just normal everyday people if you met them on the street.
But they’re hoarders.

So you are well aware that she doesn't let anyone and you still asked. That was you told you we're just dying for a nosey.

because its not normal to refuse to allow a friend access to your loo.

My ex sister in law was like this. Her then DH was very sociable and loved having people around but she hated it. Now they're divorced he hosts loads of parties and has a happy life while she can be miserable on her own not letting anyone into her house.