She won't let me in her house

[Xmasdread22]

I have a friend I met through work. We've been friends 5 years. She doesn't let any friends in her house. We've been on nights out and to meals together but she won't let anyone in her house. I dropped her home the other day and I was desperate for the toilet and she wouldn't let me in to use it. Has anyone else had this before?

"She's obviously hiding something."

Oh do one. People are perfectly entitled to their own privacy within their homes, and not letting someone in does not mean they are hiding anything. You're a nasty person if you would report someone with children because they wouldn't let you use their toilet. Nasty, nasty person.

This is abnormal and suggests there’sa problem. Although the problem might be with you. If you are close with this person and are genuinely interested in helping them if there is a problem you could probe further in an appropriate setting.

Others have already mentioned hoarding (hoarding is very resistant to treatment, it’s a serious issue), cleanliness (could be unreasonable embarrassment or a genuine issue. Not everyone knows how to cope). Another factor could be DV. If you have services in your area you could contact them for advice about how to talk to your friend.

Less concerning from a health perspective but important for the individual could be a lifestyle that they fear would be gossiped about and affect their employment. This could be anything from a family structure that isn’t accepted locally, clear evidence of unpopular political or religious belief, they could be nudists inside the home.

If you are going to talk to them you must be committed to maintaining their privacy. If you think that finding out some of the latter could affect how you work with them - then you probably aren’t the right person to speak with them.

I’m torn been respect their privacy, it’s odd but not egregious - and knowing that people don’t always know they can ask for help and reaching out can be essential to helping someone in need.

Wow. You're pleasant🤔

I know someone like this. They are a hoarder

That is odd to me

Maybe it's not her house and she lives with her parents.

I don’t think it’s mean. We’re all adults and have been desperate before and have hopefully managed to hold it. I know somebody who used to have OCD and letting someone into his house much less to use his bathroom would have caused days of mental distress. I wouldn’t want to do this to anybody. You can’t assume just because you know someone well that you know everything. This person managed to keep it from their very close family for nearly 10 years.

When Iv gone through bouts of bad mental health I don't let anyone come in my house because it's a shithole and I'd be embarrassed. Then when I'm well I have no issues with it. It's never anything personal.

Untidy and embarrassed by the state of it is the most obvious reason

I am sure you have reasons, but it is not very usual.

LOL at all the posters telling me how "nasty" I am (go on miss Janet!). I'm not the one accepting lifts home and then flatly refusing to let the driver, supposedly a long-term friend, use the toilet! What if OP had bladder issues or IBS? People can't always hold it. MN always full of people desperate to diagnose SN or find other justifications for never opening their front door to anyone, but in the real world, normal people don't behave like this. I would certainly be concerned about any children in a house where a close friend wasn't even allowed in for a quick loo stop. We had a thread on here this evening where someone said she hadn't seen her neighbour's kid in 3 months and the curtains were always shut and the consensus was to call police for a welfare check.

I have a friend like this. He used to have a beautiful home and was a sociable, person who loved to cook.
He now is a hoarder and his home has gone to rack and ruin. I've not been there for over years. He has no working appliances either. Won't accept any help. Is under MH care but that's not any real help. Retired so not at work.
I'd put money on her being a hoarder.

This is utterly ridiculous. Do you really think Social Services have nothing better to do than intervene because someone wouldn’t let someone else in to use the toilet?

Yes I have!

I had known my friend for years, we met at a local college and she lived on the same street as me.

She'd often pop round mine or we'd go out into our local area shopping, or having coffee or lunch, or doing things together.

It was years before I suddenly realised, hey she never invited me to her flat. She had an older teenage son who was being difficult and a random on / off lodger, so I put it down to that.

We'd meet at her gate on the street.
But one day she said to me 'don't ever come round my flat unexpectedly will you?' which made me wonder what's going on.

Anyway after many many years of knowing her, a situation arose whereby she gave me her spare keys and asked me to do something for her urgently.

Well I got the shock of my life, her flat was absolutely filthy from one end to the other and it was filled with litter all over the floors and stank. I won't say more but there was a lot more to it than that. I'm talking 20+ years of squalor and zero cleaning whatsoever plus infestations and 'issues'. (Whereas my mother had been a hoarder but a clean and organised one)

Weird thing is she was always immaculately dressed and turned out, she was also quite grandiose and snobbish now and then - the sort that would pedantically correct your poor use of English or make disparaging comments about others. So the idea she was living like that wasn't one of my suspicions.

She may have been attacked in her home by a guest invited in. I don't let people into my home if I'm alone, and I rarely let anyone else in unless it's family. Even then, I wary. I was attacked.

@Xmasdread22 You’ve known her for 5 years. You know she doesn’t let anyone in. You know that she has broken appliances that she won’t even let a tradesperson in to fix - so she’d rather go without them than let someone enter her home. There is a clear issue/phobia/problem there that has been obvious for a fair amount of time.

Why are you seemingly surprised that she said no to you?

But she clearly DOES care. This is why I find the whole “I’ve come to see you, not your house” attitude a bit disingenuous. It makes it about the visitor, when it’s the occupier who doesn’t want anyone to see the mess.

I’m like this 🙈 I hate people coming in. It’s not horrific but I am embarrassed about little details of my house that need sorting.

Did anyone else read this out loud and put a strong Scottish accent on? Mine sounded great!

I do think it's very mean and abnormal. I think it's covering something up - probably the fact she's very messy or worse filthy. Or she's got a full on weed farm in her front room or something mental LOL

I wonder if perhaps her house is an absolute shit hole?

I hate people coming in to my house for this reason, although there is no way I'd tell a friend they couldn't use the toilet.

I do feel for the OP not being able to nip in for a wee, especially after she had given the colleague a lift home but I can’t imagine the reason is meanness. It is so extreme that it must be something the colleague can’t help.

Same here - my flat can get quite chaotic but not the point I'd refuse a friend to come use the loo.

I may on rare occasion have said please let me just check it's clean in there as in a one second squiz to check I flushed properly etc.

Oh that’s clearly the reason why😂