She won't let me in her house

[Xmasdread22]

I have a friend I met through work. We've been friends 5 years. She doesn't let any friends in her house. We've been on nights out and to meals together but she won't let anyone in her house. I dropped her home the other day and I was desperate for the toilet and she wouldn't let me in to use it. Has anyone else had this before?

And yet surprisingly common in Mn, where people who believe themselves to be ‘introverts’ but are in fact socially withdrawn, anxious or isolated, participate in disproportionately high numbers, and appear to undergo agonies at. The idea of an unexpected visit, however brief, a postman ringing the doorbell while trying to deliver a package, or a tradesman using the loo.

If the lift was conditional on using the loo, she shouldn't have offered.

The friend has made it plain for the five years if their friendship that she will not allow OP into her home. It was reasonable for the friend to assume that the offer of a lift was not conditional on letting her use the loo and she did nothing wrong in accepting the offer.

It is an unusual for friends not to invite each other into their homes, I agree, but this woman clearly has very strong feelings about it and those feelings should be respected.

OP is very unreasonable to try and force her way into her friend's home by offering a lift with unagreed conditions (you let me me into your home, or I'll report you on Mumsnet).

I don't believe OP needed the loo. She knew in advance she could not use her friend's loo and could have (and probably did) gone before they left the venue. Instead, she deliberately caused her friend discomfort and distress in an attempt to satisfy her curiosity.

I'm the same because I'm ashamed of my tatty rental

Agree.

As weird as it may be, OP KNEW this about their friend. If it was such a problem for OP, why remain friends for that long? There is give and take in a relationship but I doubt this friend was a taker due to the length of time OP has been friends with them and OP continuously offering lifts.

If OP was allowed in, they would quite likely tell others they had, whatever state it was in considering she had talked to others about this friend’s home boundary and could put this friend in an awkward position with other friends who would expect to be allowed in too.

Regardless of mental health issues, the home being a safe space/sanctuary/castle with drawbridge and portcullis with boiling pitch at the ready or the house being full of hoarded stuff, just denying someone the use of the loo when they are desperate is just plain mean spirited

I have allowed people to use my loo, but I do it out of politeness not because I want to due to the several guests/visitors who make me question what their own bathrooms are like due to the way they have left mine. I also highly doubt OP was as desperate as they claimed since again, they could have easily gone before they left knowing about this friend’s issue and they conveniently left out the distances they are driving nor mentioned if they have any medical issues where they can’t hold it or when they need to go, they need to go. If that were the case, then OP would likely not be offering this friend a lift to begin with even more so if this friend was completely out of the way from their journey home.

Uh, well of course introverts are socially withdrawn. That is the point. They don't like socialising very much and that is perfectly ok and is their perogative, so long as that's what makes them happy.

It might be hard for you to understand but some people are perfectly comfortable in their own company and being left to their own devices.

I find lots of socialising draining, truth be told, and would much rather lose myself in a good book or spend an afternoon doing something of my choosing at my own pace.

Some people don't like the idea of being alone and lonely, some people prefer it that way. I'm neurodiverse as are many other introverts.

I do what socialising I need to do to ensure my DC don't miss out, such as going to parties they're invited to or taking up the suggestions of play dates, but I do it out of love for them and never because I actually want to go.

Don't be so condescending about introverted people.

@BlackFriYay to be fair a lot of people are confused about what introversion really means. All true introverts I know dislike being with lots of people all of the time, but they do enjoy seeing people - just not too many and not too often. They just need more alone time than extroverts.

So, I agree with @Couchant

It hasn't got anything to do with anybody else though has it?

If somebody wants to spend time alone that is their right.

Similarly, people are allowed to not want to invite people into their house.

There's no need for all the brooding and faux offence. The OP knows that her friend doesn't have anybody in so shouldn't be so surprised that she wasn't invited in herself.

It's really entitled to get pissed off because you're not given access to somebody else's home, no pun intended.

Introversion is nothing to do with levels of sociability; rather it's a term describing how you are energized - do you recharge alone, or are you buoyed up by being around people.

Lots of people (including me) and sociable introverts.

Lots of people on MN consider themselves introverts but I would describe them as anxious/paranoid misanthropes.

Big difference.

Lots of people on MN consider themselves introverts but I would describe them as anxious/paranoid misanthropes.

Would you? Because that would be needlessly bitchy.

But not inaccurate. A casual skim through MN - it's full of people who won't open their doors, affirmatively choose not to have cordial relationships with neighbors and for whom extraversion is akin to a moral failing.

Almost as if more introverted people were more comfortable communicating anonymously…

..it's still none of your concern, or the OP's.

You have no right passing judgement on people who are simply minding their own business.

FYI the dictionary definition of an introvert is "a shy, reticent person."

An example of that is "I'm an introvert and don't like public speaking"

It's not all about how you 'recharge' but also includes what you're comfortable with socially.

It's fucking rude to call reserved people misanthropic. Do you realise what sort of people you're lumping us in with? Antinatalists, for a start.

I don't hate people. I love my family and my small handful of friends.

It's all conjecture because we don't know the OP or their work colleague.

As with all things, it's also likely far more nuanced than what's on the surface.

They're work colleagues. Is one more senior than the other? What is the office dynamic like? My house could be pristine and Country Living feature worthy but I'm not opening myself up to questions, criticisms and judgments in a toxic workplace. Work is a place where you need to keep boundaries and a professional structure to keep your job. You don't behave like you do with family or friends who are privy to your more controversial opinions and beliefs.

No, I really did just need the toilet 😂

I have absolutely zero interest in snooping in other people's houses, I really couldn't give a shit. She's been to my house unannounced even when it wasn't particularly tidy.

Hahaha of course the lift wasn't conditional on using the loo!! Come on. Do people exist who agree to give someone a lift home on condition they can use the bloody toilet 😂 some of the replies on here are wild.

Hmm now that's interesting. She's been to yours unannounced yet won't let you use her toilet! Weirder and weirder. I'd definitely dial back the friendship.

Maybe her toilet isn't working and she's using a bucket to flush it?

I don't see why this is a big deal.

Friend doesn't let you in her house. So what?

Well why did you ask to use her toilet when you know for certain she doesn't let people in?

Because at that point I didn't know it wad a complete blanket rule I thought it was more about not wanting to socialise in her house and I was absolutely desperate for a wee and it was 40 minutes to get home.

If you suddenly need the toilet, you suddenly need the toilet! In OP's situation I would no longer be able to offer lifts to this friend as I could never guarantee the situation wouldn't arise again and I wouldn't be prepared to undergo that level of discomfort in order to do a favour.

This friend would have to make her own travel arrangements, I'm afraid. And yes I realise she might be quite happy to do that, in which case, great, everyone is happy.

If you suddenly need the toilet, you suddenly need the toilet!

But what would you do if you suddenly needed the toilet and you weren’t driving a friend home? You’d have to just hold it in then. I don’t really see the difference.

Exactly, most adults can just wait with the exception of those who have certain medical issues. The journey back was 40 minutes
not 4 hours.

I have people in my house because I’m autistic and it makes me so anxious. But I also have Crohn’s disease which means I know the panic of desperately needing the bathroom.

but I think if, as you say, she doesn’t feel able to let workmen in for repairs, then her issues are deep whatever they are. if she’s otherwise a nice person I would be inclined to let it go.