She won't let me in her house

[Xmasdread22]

I have a friend I met through work. We've been friends 5 years. She doesn't let any friends in her house. We've been on nights out and to meals together but she won't let anyone in her house. I dropped her home the other day and I was desperate for the toilet and she wouldn't let me in to use it. Has anyone else had this before?

No, but it's rather churlish to deny a request to visit the loo from someone who's just given you a lift- it's not as though the OP had just randomly knocked at her door.

There could be good reasons, but I wouldn't consider it as just normal behaviour.

Haven’t RTFT but sadly this is me :(

My house is never tidy enough to be able to have anyone in unannounced.

Believe me if this is the reason then know that she will feel terrible about it. It will very much be on her mind.

Wow

OP can be well aware that friend never invites people into her home, while still assuming that wouldn't apply if she needed a quick pee. In and out in a few minutes, it's really a perfectly normal and reasonable request.

If OP only knew this friend for a short time, I would agree, but OP has known this person for five years. It’s not a reasonable request if you’ve known someone for that long, and know they don’t allow anyone in their home. Unless someone says there are exceptions, it’s best to think there aren’t.

You're right. It's heartbreaking. My best friend is ill.

I'm loving and supporting her at her time of need. I'm putting up with her obsessions and insanities as we've been through thick and thin already . I'm not a fairweather friend. I know she'd do the same for me if I were ill.

It seems you'd walk away from her though...

You're in no position to judge if this is a friendship or not, based on one person in the friendship feeling comfortable enough to tell a friend that they can't use their loo.

I hope you're not my "friend"

Although I agree with people saying the friend has a right to boundaries and to not have someone in their home and all the possible reasons including vulnerabilities and mental health issues etc...

I'll tell you what, I'm totally over dysfunctional friendships and difficult people and putting up with other people's obsessions and insanities when I'm bringing calm, consistent, open, and friendly interaction to the table. I've been through enough trauma and abuse in my lifetime and I've got my own issues but I don't selfishly take out my stuff on other people - someone needs to use my loo after giving me a lift home, they're absolutely very welcome. Not cos I'm a mug with no boundaries and not cos my flat is immaculately clean ready for impromptu visits. If I went in someone's home and it was a right mess or they were angsty, I'd be totally polite and respectful, use the loo, and leave quickly and not mention it.

So for me, in the here and now, how I would handle this OP is back away from that connection and in no way whatsoever is it a 'friendship'. I want equality in my friendships, healthiness, and openness. That's just me and my tuppenceworth.

I think you need to respect her wishes and boundaries and if she is a good friend just drop the need to want to go into her house, simple as that. Stop pressing her as that is just worse than her having her boundaries.

So your embarrassment trumps a need for a friend who has done you a favour to pee when they need to urgently? Seems very selfish to me

She’s probably worried you’ll tell the other people at work about the state of her home.

You were desperate to use the lo, maybe you could mention that on a "safe" moment, like out for lunch or something. So not when standing at her door. If she doesn't feel taken on the spot she might divulge why you couldn't use her bathroom.

As someone with ADHD who struggles to keep on top of things and a long term illness which meant I got really behind and could never catch up... I did this. I was utterly ashamed of not being able to have a nice place and never let anyone in. Mental health could be an issue as having depression really makes you not able to keep things up, both diagnosed and undiagnosed ADHD people struggle with keep a tidy house, hoarding is also a mental health issue. She may also just see it as her safe place and keep the world locked out, autistic people or people that have been through serious trauma tend to want to keep their house as an only them space to feel safe.

No one has to let you in and the idea we have to is frankly weird and rather intrusive. But then I'm neuro divergent and value my space as my own so don't really get the whole having to have people over because I have to and people dropping in is the absolute worst. In my old house the landlord wouldn't fix the leaks so running water meant running a tap for a few minutes and filling buckets to have next to the loo to flush, turning the mains back off then mopping up all the leaks. Someone desperate for a wee would have been my nightmare because I wouldn't want them to be busting but also couldn't have them see the house or not working loo!

It's not rude - she has struggles and is fully aware of them. Don't push her boundaries.

This would be my thoughts too. That it was a chance to snoop, especially if she is really worried about word spreading about how her house is.

At the end of the day, some people are extremely private and we aren't running a public toilet so can choose not to let people use it. To say she is rude is a bit over the top to be honest. She isn't obligated to let people use her toilet. Could have gone before giving a lift as you knew she didn't let people in which makes it more suspicious about wanting to get inside for a snoop. I would have just dropped her off and said you had to dash off to find a loo and gone to the local supermarket as they usually have them.

...because she has known for five years that her friend doesn't want to have her in her house. I too would suspect that her "desperate" need for the loo and probably the offer of a lift were attempts to get inside the friend's house to satisfy her curiosity.

She doesn't let any friends in her house. We've been on nights out and to meals together but she won't let anyone in her house. I dropped her home the other day and I was desperate for the toilet and she wouldn't let me in to use it.

OP posted 3 sentences (over half her post) all obsessing on the EXACT same thing which wasn't anything about the toilet until the after thought in the last sentence. Instead its all about how she believes 'no one' is allowed in because she hasn't been in.

Its blatantly showing an obsession and how could she possibly know who has been in unless shes been asking about it which either means gossiping to others or interrogating the 'friend'.

This is now in the Daily Fail today so it's obviously a slow news day there

I still don't get why so many posters are worried about people snooping around. There seems to be a lot of paranoia on this thread, with a couple of genuine exceptions.

Hoarder

As the OP last posted two days ago, I doubt there will be any more updates from her.
Some people like to welcome people into their home and others do not.
The OP states that she has known the person for 5 years, but gives no other details of why she is concerned for the individual ie lack of personal hygiene or reluctant to talk about who she might live with. I'm in the camp of let the poor woman be and if it means no longer being willing to give her a lift then so be it.

Fair enough. But then OP's 'friend' shouldn't accept a lift. After all, that's getting inside someone else's private space, albeit their car.

Fair enough. But then OP's 'friend' shouldn't accept a lift. After all, that's getting inside someone else's private space, albeit their car.

But the OP is happy to open up her car, her private space, the friend is not happy to invite someone into her home so it’s completely different.

No it's not. It's give and take. The 'friend' is taking without giving. Wouldn't work for me. Denying someone the loo? Nah. I'd be dialling back on that friendship.

If she won’t even let in a tradesman to fix broken appliances, then I imagine the OP wasn’t surprised, as it’s clearly rather more a MH/hoarding issue than ‘my loo isn’t pristine’ or ‘I didn’t tidy up’.

The friend can’t even bring themselves to let tradespeople in and lives instead with broken appliances.

The OP chose to give a lift knowing that.

If the lift was offered on the basis that the OP would need to enter her house and use her bathroom then I expect the friend would have made alternative travel arrangements. If the lift offer was transactional the OP should have made that clear to her friend at the outset. The OP knows full well her friend does not let anyone into her house so she shouldn’t be surprised at her refusal.

@Loveablockheel meanwhile in the real world, not letting someone use your toilet is just plain weird. Never come across it!

I agree.

Regardless of mental health issues, the home being a safe space/sanctuary/castle with drawbridge and portcullis with boiling pitch at the ready or the house being full of hoarded stuff, just denying someone the use of the loo when they are desperate is just plain mean spirited.

I also think that most visitors do not want to snoop round people's houses, and it's worrying that so many people think this.