She won't let me in her house

[Xmasdread22]

I have a friend I met through work. We've been friends 5 years. She doesn't let any friends in her house. We've been on nights out and to meals together but she won't let anyone in her house. I dropped her home the other day and I was desperate for the toilet and she wouldn't let me in to use it. Has anyone else had this before?

It's a pretty high boundary to not let someone you have known and worked with for five years and who has given you a lift home to not allow them to use the loo though (and mean spirited).

Clearly there is something more going on.

@Loveablockheel I wasn't replying to the OP, I was responding to a previous PP.

By random I mean anyone who doesn't live there.

So to summarise, this is a 5-year friendship which has entailed nights out together, dinners out together and the friend is only too happy to accept a lift home. But OP isn't permitted to have a quick pee after said lift home? Bonkers. I have no interest in 'rummaging' in someone else's house, but when I need the loo, I need the loo.

If the friend doesn't understand that someone kindly giving them a lift home might need to use the toilet before making the return journey, then they should not accept the lift in the first place.

There's nothing said of wanting to live an isolated life.

OP's friend clearly goes to work and socialises. So, she clearly doesn't want to be isolated. However, is she truly not allowed to have any boundaries at all just because someone offered her a lift? For all we know-the friend does other favours for OP in return or has helped massively at work with OP.

Regardless, OP is willingly allowing this friend into her car and giving her lifts. That is her choice. Equally, her friend is free to decide who can and can't enter her home and it is her choice. She doesn't need to stipulate a reason and whilst it may seem, on the surface, mean, it is her right to do so.

From what it sounds like, OP was well-aware that this boundary exists and shouldn't have had any hopes of it being dropped. If it's an issue for OP and she feels it's "rude/mean/whatever word you want to use" she can make the choice to not offer lifts in future. That is her right.

However, someone doesn't get to break someone else's defined boundary just because they did something nice for them. That's not how life works. There could be a multitude of reasons why this boundary exists, and OP can either ask directly about it and be prepared to be told to mind her business, be told the answer, etc, or she can mind her own business and decide how to proceed with the friendship going forward if this is such a big deal for her.

Would I leave someone in pain/discomfort needing the loo? No, of course not but I'm not OP's friend and don't have her specific boundaries.

It also sounds like the issue isn't that the friend didn't let her in to use the loo-or the OP would have titled the thread "She wouldn't let me use her loo!" The issue is that the friend won't let OP or any friends in to her house.

It's just on this particular occasion, OP "needed the toilet."

Odd behaviour. To be more than happy to accept a lift but yet a firm no back to using her loo with no explanation. Is she socially awkward, or was this quite a surprising blunt no?

Her home her choice for her reasons. Though as a UC sufferer I understand just how utterly dreadful it feels to need the loo urgently.

I get it.

I’ve had bad experiences with people coming into my home, rent money stolen, expensive laptop and desktop computer broken, unnecessary comments made (a few crumbs here and there when the place is overall tidy with a SEN child and a clumsy 6 yo, how long I’ve been in my own shower when everyone has had theirs and there are two other loos) and family ignoring my instructions when I’ve made them quite clear because they see it as “helping” when really it makes more work for me and all I rather them do is leave things where I’ve said and let me take care of them, and people ignoring when I say keep their shoes on when they’ve asked (why ask then?!).

The older I get the less patience I have and find it way easier to just meet people somewhere.

Reading some of the comments by other posters, it reminds me why I rather wait and take public transport than accept an offer of a ride.

Why should you be let in her house?

She’s either a clean freak and doesn’t want anyone else sitting on her toilet seat or shes a hoarder or the house is dirty and untidy.

Domme with a scantily clad "pet" cleaner licking her floors???

My house is an absolute tip and I wouldn't be happy with someone seeing it without prior warning, but if someone needed the loo I'd preface it with 'please excuse the house it's in a bit of a state' or something.

I supposed the social shame of not letting a colleague or friend use the loo when in need would trump the shame of them seeing my v cluttered and messy house

Unlike the OPs friend, I would allow people in my house with prior warning although my default is to agree to meet people on neutral territory such as a cafe or park

@phoenixrosehere , AFAIK not had money stolen, but random things like helping themselves to stamps or borrowing £10 from my wallet.

A really weird one was a friend stayed over. Made them a coffee and went to have a shower. Friend decided to nip to the shop to get some food (obviously just asking for milk and cereal or boiled egg or something was too much). I came downstairs to find the friend not there but the front door and porch door slightly open. I live on a busy street in a rough area. Friend came back after about half an hour with one sandwich.
They'd left it open so they could get back in.

Fortunately nobody wandered into the house when I was in the shower, but they could have done.

Had a friend at school like this. She went home for her lunch as she lived very close to school. Me and a couple of other friends usually went to her house to bring her back and if she wasn't ready to go she would leave us standing on doorstep. From what I could see see house looked neat & tidy ( large house) her family were originally from Denmark so don't know if it is a cultural thing or not. This was about over 30 years ago mind you. Parents were nice & friendly when they answered door so it wasn't them being unsociable

That is definitely weird and dangerous of them. Definitely don’t understand what the logic was there.

I have no interest in 'rummaging' in someone else's house, but when I need the loo, I need the loo.

A few posters have said things like this, or “But what if the OP has bladder problems/kidney issues/other medical problem?”

Can I ask you what you do if you’re just driving yourself home (or what you’d expect the OP to do), with no friend to drop off? Or are on a bus or the Tube? Surely most of the time you’re not giving people lifts - so if you need the loo halfway home, it’s tough luck. It’s pure coincidence on this occasion that the OP was giving someone a lift. If she has dodgy kidneys or a weak bladder, surely she normally factors this in before beginning a journey.

Don’t get me wrong - I hate the feeling of being desperate for the loo as much as anyone. But what would OP have done other than hold it in if she was alone?

Are you writing this about me? 🤣
there are very friends I let in my home and these are mostly very very long term friends. I hear how judgemental many people are (obvious and subtle) and simply choose not to allow such people in my home. I don’t really go to their homes either. We tend to meet in neutral locations such as restaurants etc.
for the record - my house is a normal home. Clean, tidy…with a few clutter piles on random shelves.

Everyone is saying hoarder....what about the other end of the spectrum like OCD? It's exhausting and wanting everything just so and the thought of someone in touching a surface and having to clean afterwards is just to overwhelming?

I don’t let people into my home as a general rule. My house is not dirty and I’m not a hoarder, but I do struggle with being quite anxious and an introvert and my home is my safe space. I worry that people will come in for what’s supposed to be 5 minutes and then stay an hour or more. Usually when I go out to work or social events I am masking and struggling. When I get home I don’t have to mask so I don’t let people in for that reason.

(yes, suspect I’m neurodivergent, but I’m not diagnosed with anything)

I've never been in one of my best friends house. Her husband is a hoarder and I expect she's embarrassed.
It doesn't affect my friendship at all

I think some people are confused about what being an introvert is and are confusing it with social anxiety

Introverts turn to their own minds to recharge, while extroverts seek out other people for their energy needs (Jung).

Introverts aren't necessarily socially anxious, they just prefer not to spend a lot of time with other people.

DH is an introvert. He welcomes visitors and is happy to spend time with people. He then needs time on his own to recharge.

Also for people really latching on to OP being her 'friend', how good a 'friend'?

She says they met as work colleagues 5 years ago, non of my work colleagues would I class as 'friends' but I am friendly and hung out with them socially. DH has had some great 'friendships' with colleagues and as soon he moved departments (so they weren't sat together everyday) they became nothing but social media friends occasionally liking each others photos.

I don't know anyone who turned a work colleague into an inner circle bestie that they invite into their house... its usually just a friendly acquaintanceship based on proximity and shared work experiences.

Nothing weird about not having co-workers in your house no matter how well you get on with them or if they car share with you etc...

OP is coming off 'obsessive' about this in her post here (even the fact she felt the need to create a post on her 'friends' home habits), thats a red flag thats probably blowing a lot harder in real life. Several commenters have picked up and mentioned it. The person is probably more than aware that OP doesn't actually need the toilet but is actually gossiping and desperate to snoop because she clearly has some level of boundary issue.

I agree. I can sort of understand it if she’s a hoarder and the whole house is in absolute mess, but to deny her colleague to use her loo simply because her house is her ‘sanctuary’ and she has ‘boundaries’ is a bit silly.
OP wasn’t trying to invite herself in for dinner.

@inamarina , she will have her reasons. It doesn't mean it's silly.