She won't let me in her house

[Xmasdread22]

I have a friend I met through work. We've been friends 5 years. She doesn't let any friends in her house. We've been on nights out and to meals together but she won't let anyone in her house. I dropped her home the other day and I was desperate for the toilet and she wouldn't let me in to use it. Has anyone else had this before?

"I dropped her home the other day and I was desperate for the toilet and she wouldn't let me in to use it."
That was unkind of her. I wouldn't be giving her lifts again.

She may or may not be a hoarder but either way that’s her boundaries and good for her! Maybe her home is her safe place and she wants to keep it feeling that way. I had a friend who used to come over a lot, then things got really weird and now we don’t talk anymore. I had to deep clean the house to remove the ickyness from her presence and change the furniture so I wouldn’t picture her sitting in her usual spot. Perhaps she’s had a negative experience which makes her want to keep people out of her house. According to my counsellor its more common than you think to feel like this especially if you’re neurodiverse or have ptsd.

It certainly comes over as unkind. A quick loo call and then leave, isn't a massive ask. Selfish people take, eg lifts, but she couldn't allow a quick loo visit. Happy to sit in someone else's car, use their time and petrol though.

I'd find it really strange to let someone in, have them go upstairs and have a pee then leave.

It may not apply here, but I think more people have similar issues since lockdown and COVID; where they basically gave up tidying or cleaning or social contact. If they had problems before it has made their anxiety, depression and hoarding much worse.

I would be sympathetic on that score; and anyway, you can't demand to go in someone's house.

Wow

What we don't know is - how far from her own home was OP? Mostly when I give lifts, I am in the vicinity of my home. Maybe up to 10 or 15 minutes away max. It would seem odd to ask to use the loo under those circumstances, so the request may have seemed unreasonable to this woman, who is apparently known for not inviting friends to her home.

Also, generally people described as work colleagues, however much one might socialise with them in or out of work, are less intimate acquaintances than people I would describe as my "friends". (I AM friends with lots of ex work colleagues but if I was writing about them on MN, I would simply call them friends). So it might feel more intrusive to let them see what the inside of your house is like.

(I've posted up thread that I don't think the response was 'normal', but these thoughts didn't occur to me then.)

They never described introversion.

You did tho with your OP

The person is probably more than aware that OP doesn't actually need the toilet but is actually gossiping and desperate to snoop because she clearly has some level of boundary issue.

How do you know the OP just wanted to snoop?

Why?

I know someone who won't let anybody in their house because they have OCD and another person in there would bring on a frenzy of cleaning. Out of the house you probably wouldn't notice anything unusual about this person.

OP has known for 5 years that friend does not allow people in her house and yet she asked anyway. Surely the wee couldn't have been that urgent to warrant deliberately embarassing friend in this way.

It's weird that's why. OP needed a wee, she wasn't asking her friend to host a dinner party.

Thinking about it, it does seem odd but on OP’s part.

OP knows this friend doesn’t allow anyone in their house, has given lifts to this person before several times so why wouldn’t they just use the loo at whatever venue they were at beforehand.

I think it's off. I can't always predict when I'll need the loo and I can need to go quite urgently. If I'd given a lift to someone and needed to go, if I wasn't able to go I'd probably wet myself.
She was happy to take a lift but wouldn't let you use her loo. I'd not be giving any more lifts and would distance myself.

Why? We're all human and need to piss!

Can I ask you what you do if you’re just driving yourself home (or what you’d expect the OP to do), with no friend to drop off? Or are on a bus or the Tube? Surely most of the time you’re not giving people lifts - so if you need the loo halfway home, it’s tough luck.

Personally, I stop on the side of a road if I have to. Sorry if TMI. As for public transport, the London Tube I know well enough that I know which stations have toilets and where they are, and I don't use buses.

OP can be well aware that friend never invites people into her home, while still assuming that wouldn't apply if she needed a quick pee. In and out in a few minutes, it's really a perfectly normal and reasonable request. If friend is so concerned that OP wants to snoop, she can't stand outside the door.

Why? Would you expect them to stay for dinner?

Sad really. Dirty house or a hoarder as so many others have suggested. Stick with her as a friend and accept you can never go in her house.

As other posters have suggested, my first thought is hoarder.

How do you know the OP just wanted to snoop

Well she didn't post that she pissed herself so can't have needed to pee that urgently.

If you weren't absolutely desperate to pee then why would you try to force yourself inside of someones home when you know they don't invite people?

For various reasons my house is horrifically untidy. It's going to take months to sort out. To get to my bathroom involves walking through the house. There are very few people who are allowed in my house. I would probably have to say "sorry, no" too.

No one needs to give anyone a reason why they can’t go into their home

Although I agree with people saying the friend has a right to boundaries and to not have someone in their home and all the possible reasons including vulnerabilities and mental health issues etc...

I'll tell you what, I'm totally over dysfunctional friendships and difficult people and putting up with other people's obsessions and insanities when I'm bringing calm, consistent, open, and friendly interaction to the table. I've been through enough trauma and abuse in my lifetime and I've got my own issues but I don't selfishly take out my stuff on other people - someone needs to use my loo after giving me a lift home, they're absolutely very welcome. Not cos I'm a mug with no boundaries and not cos my flat is immaculately clean ready for impromptu visits. If I went in someone's home and it was a right mess or they were angsty, I'd be totally polite and respectful, use the loo, and leave quickly and not mention it.

So for me, in the here and now, how I would handle this OP is back away from that connection and in no way whatsoever is it a 'friendship'. I want equality in my friendships, healthiness, and openness. That's just me and my tuppenceworth.