To leave my husband due to Tourettes?

[NewYearNoFear]

DH hasn't been diagnosed but he has verbal and physical tics, doesn't do them in public. But at home they've become quite extreme. Every 5 mins. He often says something quite dark about himself. He does it continuously in bed. My young DC now imitate him which is horrible

He isn't getting any help or advice. It's all down to anxiety and invasive thoughts and he seems quite depressed and tired. I want to support him but he is seeking no help and I find the tics v difficult. He isn't v supportive or interested in me but I think the anxiety and tics take up most of his head space

It's the kids (pre school) copying him that has really made me feel awful. Also he tics so much at night that sleeping or trying to sleep with a man shouting awful stuff is pretty upsetting. I know it's more upsetting for him but he just ignores it and gets v angry if I bring it up.

AIBU to just say I can't handle it?

If he is not attempting to get help nothing will change. That’s not fair on anyone.

How can he hold them in in public but not at home. My very limited experience of tourettes is its an involuntary tic so no control.

It's obviously having a big impact on you and the children and he gets angry if you bring it up? That's not on. If he won't listen to you and take steps to get help you are perfectly justified in leaving.

How can he hold them in in public but not at home. My very limited experience of tourettes is its an involuntary tic so no control.

This!

Being able to control them in public doesn’t match with what I know of Tourette’s.

It’s affecting you and your son, and he’s not getting help - I’d leave for the sake of your son. It sounds increasingly unsafe.

That doesn't sound like Tourettes, does it?

It's not healthy for your children or you. He takes no interest in you anyway, and is irritated by your children. It sounds so it would be much better if you separated.

Something isn’t adding up here. Selective Tourettes? 🤔

I think there's more to it. Involuntary tics are very hard to control. To have none in public and this extreme level at home is not normal.
I have small, infrequent, involuntary physical tics, I can sort of hold them back but you still see if you know. Like imagine holding in a yawn or a sneeze.

What does he do when the kids copy him?

This sounds very extreme and concerning. Is there anyone in his family you can talk to, who he might listen to in terms of getting help? It is of course up to you if you stay with him or leave but assuming the children are biologically his, he will likely still have contact with them. In any case please get some support for yourself, as a carer. Incidentally I have a tic which DS copied at pre-scool age but now he ignores it and accepts it as one of my quirks.

Good insightful question 🤔 @Fedupandconfused0815,

Doesn't make sense 😕

Something is not quite adding up either for me too in regards of your husband's turrottes syndrome...

@OhhhhhhhhBiscuits he will be holding it all in when in public then letting it all out at home.Must be very hard for him.However if he won't seek help how can this get better?Sounds intolerable and affecting the children.Op it sounds like an ultimatum needs to be given with support to get help within a specific time frame or you leave.

Is it not that people mask at a significant cost which causes more ‘spill’ later? The way ASD can work at school? Keeping everything contained is stressful so it boils over at home?

I mean maybe it is t Tourette’s but a different form of ND.

Like many other teenagers in lockdown my dd developed tics.

Somebody, I think,it was great ormand street hospital did a report on it all. Which I found really useful.

Oh OP you are too deep in the mist here. This is really damaging for your children. You say he isn’t interested in you (which sounds believable) but what’s scary - as you have identified - is the impact on your DC.

You haven’t said what ‘dark’ things he is saying or they are repeating, which makes me think you know this is awful but can’t admit even to yourself how bad this is.

I know a teenager with suspected Tourette’s who is on the path to a diagnosis. She can suppress her tics, but it does become very tiring which then makes them worse when she is at home.

for me, it is the fact he isn’t seeking any help that would be the dealbreaker

My kids are ND. They mask. My youngest stims less around others. I think it is very likely the OPs husband holds in tics more and masks in public. Not unusual at all. @NewYearNoFear I would be open with him about how you are feeling. From what you wrote it isn’t about the Tourette’s but about the negative thought patterns about himself that he isn’t addressing which are being passed onto your children. He needs to address his self esteem issues himself.

He's not diagonsised as has sought no support but he tics constantly at home so I don't fully understand either. Of course if we got some support we mjght understand it more rather than just me googling. He sometimes does it on public transport but would never do it at work or in social situations. He says it happens when his mind is allowed to wonder. NHS says possible for people to not do it socially and then come out at home. It's been non stop as we have been at home for 2 weeks together.

Has he always had tics? Tourette’s starts before 18. People with TS can surpress tics in public sometimes.
However sudden onset of extreme tics is usually FND not TS and this could be the case. Either way he needs to go to the doctor and get a diagnosis and support. That isn’t your job.
However, Tourette’s tics themselves don’t harm children - they just need to be educated properly about tics. Many parents, and kids themselves, have Tourette’s it’s not something to be feared or stigmatised.

I think people need to understand Tourette's before commenting.

He will be exhausted from holding them in and can also lead to them going into overdrive.

in what way is he refusing help OP? Are the GP’s being helpful?

@upwardsonwards yes you're right. V v negative thoughts about himself and the future and then he tics. He's explained it like that in the past when he's opend up. He busy be having those thoughts a great deal then which is so horrible for him. But it's making home life v difficult. I feel stuck as if I stay I just accept this but if I leave his MH and invasive thoughts will become mich much worse.

Why isn't he getting help?

Tics can actually be suppressed for a period of time, especially in public or situations where they would be embarrassing.

It's OK not to be able to handle it, and it's not acceptable that he's happy to go along with life like this and not get any help. It's really up to you if you stay or leave, but I don't think anyone would (or should) judge you if you left.

Yes, this is my understanding too.

Can you sleep in separate rooms OP?