To leave my husband due to Tourettes?

[NewYearNoFear]

DH hasn't been diagnosed but he has verbal and physical tics, doesn't do them in public. But at home they've become quite extreme. Every 5 mins. He often says something quite dark about himself. He does it continuously in bed. My young DC now imitate him which is horrible

He isn't getting any help or advice. It's all down to anxiety and invasive thoughts and he seems quite depressed and tired. I want to support him but he is seeking no help and I find the tics v difficult. He isn't v supportive or interested in me but I think the anxiety and tics take up most of his head space

It's the kids (pre school) copying him that has really made me feel awful. Also he tics so much at night that sleeping or trying to sleep with a man shouting awful stuff is pretty upsetting. I know it's more upsetting for him but he just ignores it and gets v angry if I bring it up.

AIBU to just say I can't handle it?

I’d be interested to know how bad he is where there’s no one around. Like if a tree falls in the woods and there’s no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? 🤔

seriously though, don’t let fear keep you paralysed. You’re clearly done with him and no one would blame you, he sounds horrible.

get a place for you and the kids and get the divorce process started, the rest can be worked out as you go.

MaryHinges - sorry but you’re talking absolute shite. No one has to stay and be treated like crap, mental illness or not.

Tell him he either gets help or you are done. In the interim you will have a separation.
He can rant, blame, shout. You do not want to live this way

God! Sorry to bring up thread again but feel so conflicted

H went out at the weekend and drank a lot. He had hangover anxiety all weekend. Today his tics were so bad I had to take over cooking dinner as he had a knife and he was literally throwing his body all over the place. Like head throwing, crouching randomly, shouting "oh god" "fuck off". It was v intense for about 10 mins, almost like a fit, and I told him to leave the room as kids started to watch. He was twitching at dinner and has gone to bed. I've been giving him cuddles and he seems a little calmer.

Half of me wants to leave him so much and half of me could never leave as he is so vulnerable. I've never seen someone with so little control of their body or voice. I just don't know what to do!!!

If he won't see the docs then leave him to it. Sounds like a living nightmare, I'd leave for the sake of the kids.

This. He wont do anything to help himself. You cannot do anything. Leave him to it.

@Makeitmakesensetoday could you leave your kids alone for weekends with a man who was that unwell? I don't get this whole leave for the kids. Imagine that scene I just described without me there. That's all I can think about.

But you wouldn't leave them with him? You'd refuse access til he gets his medical issues sorted. You'd go through court etc. Then before that you'd film him/record the incidents so they can see he's not safe. And ultimately You'd hope he wouldn't be a knob and demand his kids stay round his if he can't even control himself. He needs to seek medical help. Not sure what you're getting from this thread but this is no life for you or the kids.

@Makeitmakesensetoday I'm trying my hardest to work out what to do and have no one in real life to talk to.

All I know is I've told teachers at school, I've told the GP twice, and nobody seems concerned by the kids living with it at all and everyone has told me I need to sit down with the kids to explain about what is happening to daddy, so if the GP and their teachers think it's up to me to be understanding and supportive and the kids are not being harmed...then why would a family court think he is a threat to them?

Sorry. I imagine it seems like I'm being combative and posting pointlessly. I know this is no life for us but I am genuinely trapped. Absolutely totally trapped. I don't trust the courts for one second and actually think me refusing access as you suggest could end up with me being accused of parental alienation and losing them even more than 50%. I am so so stuck. I can't bear it.

I think you need to speak to a solicitor. You're not trapped. Next time he has one of these episodes - film it. Then write down in a log what happened. You're not being proactive enough. GP and teachers won't do much they're mostly talking shops.

Hey OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. It sounds so hard. You’ve said you’re trying to decide whether to stay or go, but is there a middle option? If possible, can you leave with the kids, stay somewhere else, and leave him a letter saying that you don’t want the relationship to end, but he needs to take some action towards supporting himself (going to gp, finding private therapist/psychiatrist etc) so that the home can be safe and calm for the kids. If you’re really clear you want it to improve, then you’re not ending it with him, you’re giving him a very clear message about your boundaries and needs.

OK @Makeitmakesensetoday that is fair enough. I will. I think the whole thing about more awareness about mental health in society is making me feel like a horrible person for being scared and uncomfortable with what is going on, but I get it - I've asked for advice on here and I've heard it and now I need to act on it. Thank you.

Half of me wants to leave him so much and half of me could never leave as he is so vulnerable. I've never seen someone with so little control of their body or voice.

It's fake OP. All of us could throw ourselves around and make weird noises if we wanted to fake something (though some are better actors than others.)

Or we could do it if we wanted others to feel sorry for us, I guess. It is effectively a variation on 'dressing gown of doom'- it's performative.

I think you could gradually inch out- yes, go somewhere, you could say you plan to come back if he improves, but not come back (unless he undergoes a transformation and improves for a substantial period of time.)

I don't think you and the DC have anything to lose.
God willing, he won't want to look after them much by himself.

He has no diagnosis, he hasn't seen a doctor, you're guessing what's wrong with him so you can't feel guilty. For all you know it's a massive gas light and he has nothing really wrong with him! You can do better, he needs to sort himself out. You can't force him and you can't continually pick up the pieces. Be strong.

Can you talk to someone in real life about it all? You might find it easier to see what to do. Problems can seem really insurmountable when your on your own.

For what it’s worth people leave difficult troubled dangerous men all the time. You can do it. You sound as if your so ground down you can’t see what’s in front of your face.

All I know is I've told teachers at school, I've told the GP twice, and nobody seems concerned by the kids living with it at all

Out of interest I'm just wondering what you've told the teachers and GP? If you've told them "DP has Tourettes and sometimes tics and also gets depressed" then I wouldn't expect them to be overly concerned - also GPs are incredibly busy and if a patient will not attend for help then there's not much they can do.

In fact if you'd just said on this thread that your DP has Tourettes and sometimes tics, and that was it, I wouldn't be overly concerned either.

Whereas from what you describe on this thread, DP is making your family life a misery:

• He's not diagnosed and won't seek any help
• He shouts awful stuff at night
• He isn't supportive or interested in you
• He seems unconcerned you and the kids and the effects of him shouting etc
• He never listens to you, and gets angry when you point this out
• He kicks off about small things like which orange juice you buy, while you are doing everything to earn money and look after the kids
• You're scared he is becoming angrier and more erratic
• He plays video games while you do kids bedtime after working all day
• He pretty much contributes nothing to yours and his kids' lives, but instead makes them worse

Unacceptable that he wont get help.

LTB is reasonable, his selfishness is a deal breaker.

Reread what you just said here. It is time for you and the children to leave. He is not doing anything to improve the situation. Your children are starting to mimic his dark thoughts. Really, OP. Save yourself and your children.

What would happen if you yelled at him to shut up - that he is scaring the kids? What would happen if you stopped pampering his needs? I'm not being glib here. I really wonder what would happen if you stop walking on egg shells around him to knock it the hell off.

If you get so worn down and defeated yourself, who will look after your kids? Certainly not him. You need to take action to save yourself and the kids.

No, they wouldn't