To leave my husband due to Tourettes?

[NewYearNoFear]

DH hasn't been diagnosed but he has verbal and physical tics, doesn't do them in public. But at home they've become quite extreme. Every 5 mins. He often says something quite dark about himself. He does it continuously in bed. My young DC now imitate him which is horrible

He isn't getting any help or advice. It's all down to anxiety and invasive thoughts and he seems quite depressed and tired. I want to support him but he is seeking no help and I find the tics v difficult. He isn't v supportive or interested in me but I think the anxiety and tics take up most of his head space

It's the kids (pre school) copying him that has really made me feel awful. Also he tics so much at night that sleeping or trying to sleep with a man shouting awful stuff is pretty upsetting. I know it's more upsetting for him but he just ignores it and gets v angry if I bring it up.

AIBU to just say I can't handle it?

I strongly suspect that if you moved into the spare room, his tics will get worse, louder and more violent, to try and scare you back to where he wants you to be.

Out of interest how do the other extended family members ( yours and his ) see the situation or are they not aware ?

You are not at all unreasonable to leave your husband who has a mental health condition which he refuses to treat.

You're not a shitty person, OP- you are doing the right thing in telling him to see a doctor. If he won't then there is a limit to what you have to put up with- there really isn't any moral obligation to take on an infinite quantity of shit for a man who won't take a basic step to help himself or his kids.

How would he react if you gave him an ultimatum about seeking help?

How is the relationship generally and how long has it been like this?

You understand he’s not doing this on purpose do you ? It’s not the mental health problem that’s the issue here, it’s his refusal to get help. No one is suggesting that the condition isn’t genuine.

It isn't helpful when people who clearly have limited knowledge of tics/Tourette's comment based on assumptions... I am autistic, have always had tics and and absolutely can "hold them in" in public or make them incredibly subtle and infrequent..... they often tend to happen more when I am relaxed / not doing much, weirdly! I also have periods of time when the tics can greatly reduce (but not stop) and then weeks at a time when they flare up badly again. They do sometimes flare up severely if I'm anxious/under sensory stress and then it can be harder to hold them in, but I can always manage to get to a private space if I need to..... I probably shouldn't be embarrassed to do these things in public, but can't help it :-(

I have mostly physical tics but a couple of more subtle vocal ones too, and I think likely would meet Tourette's criteria based on number/duration of both motor and vocal tics....although I haven't sought diagnosis for this because so far I haven't felt the need to. You definitely do not need to shout and swear in the street or have absolutely no control over your tics to have Tourette's though! Of course some people may have no control whatsoever but many of us can hold them in to an extent......but yes, they may very well come out more at home as a result!

Having said that.....the issue here is definitely the impact his tics are having and his refusal to seek help..... that is totally unfair on you and you absolutely don't need to stay in a situation which is affecting you and your kids badly if someone is refusing to address the issue / seek adequate help...... that is really unfair. Does he know you have been driven to the point where you genuinely feel like you might need to leave if he doesn't get help for this?

Is there anything that would possibly help him seek help? Is he embarrassed or does he find doctors hard to talk to? Being autistic, I find it incredibly hard to manage even a simple phone call to make a GP appointment, and it is even worse if it is about something that I consider to he "difficult/embarrassing to talk about" or if I fear that the doctors won't understand or take me seriously..... could you offer to go with him or speak to the doctor yourself maybe about the impact it is having, if he finds it hard to face up to.....? Or encourage him to write it down beforehand to take written information along to an appointment? If you are still at at stage where you want to stay and get help that is....of course you are not obliged to stay in a situation like this!

Sorry if I've missed any updates.... have been going away and coming back to this for a while....

He gets upset when you suggest sleeping in a spare bedroom.
But spares not one thought about your lost sleep, hurt, stress.
He wont get help.
Blames you for stressing him about it.

There is more than Tourettes here.
There is selfishness & abuse.

Doesn't he care about his children.?
Have you videoed him ? & show him what the kids are seeing?
I think you leaving will be the catalystic moment, when he decides, or not, to get help

You aren’t abandoning him/ he is refusing to get help. Maybe leaving would kick him into getting that help, maybe not. But you can’t live your life just to please him, you need to put yourself and children first.
At minimum, move into the spare room and say you can’t cope. Then you could add an ultimatum about him getting help. That way it’s not out of the blue.

Who gives a shit?!
I am astonished at this post. Just sleep somewhere else.
You know you're an autonomous individual, right? Make good choices.

Imagine if he had diabetes, MS or cancer and wasn't doing anything about it. It is normal to be in denial about health problems, but he is a partner and a father. If he cannot face up to the unfortunate truth, which is not his fault, for himself, he ought to do it for the sake of you and your son.

If he's not been diagnosed and has never sought help, Where's the diagnosis come from?

People with tourettes can often hold it together- with great stress- in public. Then it all comes out and falls apart when they are back in their safe space. This is how my son's works.

OP- Tourettes action is a great site with alot of resources.

https://www.tourettes-action.org.uk/

Take the children and do not give him 50/50 while his health issues are not addressed.
Your children will be better off with him out of their lives at least part of the time. They will always have a safe space to come back to.
As it stands their home is never a safe space.
Are you scared of him? Because I don't understand why you are putting fear of upsetting him above the real damage that is already being inflicted on your children.

OP has said quite clearly he hasn’t been diagnosed. Probably because he’s never sought help.

Exactly my point. Where has the diagnosis Tourettes come from.

OP- the problem here is not his condition of Tourettes, its: 1. the fact he flatly refuses to seek out any help or get support for it and 2. You say he isnt interested or supportive of you.

It is not his fault he has this, but it absolutely IS his responsibility to address it and seek help for it- mainly for his sake but also for his family.

Secondly, you are not obliged to stay with someone who offers you zero support and isnt even interested in your mental health or how you feel.

The above point would still be true even if he had no health issues whatsoever. Marriage/being in a couple is a partnership- it involves two people engaging and supporting one another, if not, then what the hell is it and what's even the point of it? I'm not a big fan generally of ultimatums but in this case it's warranted. Either he seeks help and starts being more mindful of you or else I would end it. This isnt a partnership, you are just two people living together- you care about him but he isnt reciprocating. You deserve better.

People should not focus on the mental health condition. People have them. The issue for the OP is whether to put up with a life with someone whose condition is affecting her life, but who refused to get help with it.

Every has a right to happiness. Choose it for yourself OP.

I have no real knowledge of tourettes, but it certainly doesn't gel with the general public perception of the condition. Maybe they're stims and it's something else. My DC are all Autistic and they do a a lot od masking in public and more of the behaviour comes out in private. Maybe their are other conditions where masking occurs.

OP if he knows it's effecting you and he is willing to do nothing about it then you wouldn't be leaving him because of Tourette's, you'd be leaving him because he's having a massive negative impact on your life and your DC life and he doesn't care enough to even try and get help. He might not be able to change, but at the very least he should care and want to get help to try and reduce the impact on his lives ones.

See the post above re- the difficulties faced by some neurotypical people in even picking up the phone to speak to a doctor. It says it all better than l could. It’s not deliberate abuse and it’s not selfishness. The man is clearly struggling to cope with serious mental health issues and has internalised a lot of what’s happening as a result. Videoing him and threatening to leave isn’t going to make it any better, or magically give him what he needs to take that monumental first step to getting help and changing things. OP needs to explain the effect it’s having on her and the children, and make him understand that if he wants the marriage to continue, he has to trust her to help him to access and engage with the treatment and support he needs.

I'd add to my previous post- there are many possible causes of tics, from schizophrenia to Huntington's. It isn't as simple as tics = Tourettes.

I know you are concerned about him going for and getting 50-50 but I suspect that's unlikely if his health condition is this bad. The current situation sounds unbearable so something has to change.

NO. That's your emotional thinking talking. You arent a shitty person for wanting some support and love and care. Yes, marriage involves being there for someone when they arent well but that does not mean you have to put up with all kinds of crap whilst he relinquishes total responsibility for it and does nothing about it. It's damaging you and your kids. I'd even say it was abusive. You need to really look at your own self esteem here and figure out why you feel you have to martyr yourself for a selfish man who doesnt give a shit about your feelings and isnt bothered to do anything to help his own family cope better.

You definitely aren’t describing Tourette’s.

OP needs to explain the effect it’s having on her and the children, and make him understand that if he wants the marriage to continue, he has to trust her to help him to access and engage with the treatment and support he needs

Sounds like she's done that already and nothing is changing. She can't force him to seek help if he won't. In fact, she says he gets angry if she even brings it up. He's stonewalling her and that is rather abusive

Has he got anger issues generally?

See what you mean. Reading back through the thread the OP never mentioned Tourette’s, or anything else did she ? She said he had tics. Tourette’s was mentioned early on by another poster and people just seem to have assumed and run with it.

Be frank with him. Tell him your own mental and physical health is suffering as a result of living with someone who refuses to seek help for themselves. Say while you accept that you can’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to you have to prioritise yourself moving forwards. Communicate clearly what you’re doing and why. For example, I’m moving in to the spare room as I don’t feel I can parent as effectively because I’m exhausted. Or, I’m going to start meeting up with my friends once a week while you have the kids because I feel lonely and disconnected from you and I need my friends. It’s then on him if knowing the consequences of him not seeking support he still doesn’t act, and you can decide if you’re able to remain in the relationship.