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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my husband due to Tourettes?

271 replies

NewYearNoFear · 01/01/2024 08:41

DH hasn't been diagnosed but he has verbal and physical tics, doesn't do them in public. But at home they've become quite extreme. Every 5 mins. He often says something quite dark about himself. He does it continuously in bed. My young DC now imitate him which is horrible

He isn't getting any help or advice. It's all down to anxiety and invasive thoughts and he seems quite depressed and tired. I want to support him but he is seeking no help and I find the tics v difficult. He isn't v supportive or interested in me but I think the anxiety and tics take up most of his head space

It's the kids (pre school) copying him that has really made me feel awful. Also he tics so much at night that sleeping or trying to sleep with a man shouting awful stuff is pretty upsetting. I know it's more upsetting for him but he just ignores it and gets v angry if I bring it up.

AIBU to just say I can't handle it?

OP posts:

Original poster

NewYearNoFear · 01/01/2024 09:01

He hasn't seen a GP. He saw a therapist once who I found and badgered him into going but he went online a couple of times and then it stopped. He says he will talk to someone but then never does. If I ask him he says I'm making it worse by making him more anxious

OP posts:

Ju1ieAndrews · 01/01/2024 09:05

The current life you have together isn't working for either of you in terms of both health & happiness; that's evident.

He is refusing to change/seek help.

This forces you to leave, as you are the only one left to change the situation that is making you both unhappy/unhealthy.

He gets professional help or you HAVE to leave.

You cannot allow your kids to grow up in this environment and you cannot spend the rest of your life not getting any sleep.

He is giving you no choice here; leave and you both have a chance of happiness.

2Hot2Handle · 01/01/2024 09:17

A lot of people confuse not being able to help having a health problem, with not having to do anything about it.

You are allowed to want to live in a mentally and physically safe environment, with your children. By taking no action to try to make the situation better, your DH is saying that he’s more important than the rest of you and that he expects you to put up with it.

Just because you accept that he has a lack of control over his Tourette’s Syndrome, doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. Make 2024 the year you take action to improve your situation for your family. First by letting him know something has to be done and secondly by doing what you can to resolve it (even if that means breaking up). With, or without, his help.

Original poster

NewYearNoFear · 01/01/2024 09:17

Yes @Mairzydotes we do have a spare room I could move to. I have done thus before but he gets upset.

OP posts:

crackingtimes · 01/01/2024 09:18

I think if you did leave OP, you wouldn't be leaving because your DH has Tourette's but because he won't access help for the Tourette's. That's the big difference and would apply to any partner who wouldn't seek help and support for any physical or mental health condition.

I don't know much about it but it sounds utterly exhausting and miserable for your husband and you and your family. It's not fair that you have to live alongside someone who is ill but who won't get proper help.

Original poster

NewYearNoFear · 01/01/2024 09:21

I do agree with people about the issue being not seeking help.

My concerns about leaving is 1) surely as his wife I should be there for him through illness 2) if I leave he will get worse and more unwell and my kids will have to navigate that alone

Also it makes me feel like a shitty person like I'm abandoning him

OP posts:

CoatOfArms · 01/01/2024 09:22

I get you want to be there for him. But this isn't a new thing, he's refusing to deal with what is a growing and severe mental health issue and most importantly, it's starting to seriously affect your kids! You need to put them first.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 01/01/2024 09:24

You are allowed to leave him, because he prefers making your life miserable to having to inconvenience himself in any way.
He can't help the tics, but he absolutely can seek medical advice.
And he's being totally selfish about you getting a good night's sleep in the spare room. How dare he stop you from doing that!
He is putting himself before his own children and his own wife. That's a very good reason to walk out. Or throw him out.

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 01/01/2024 09:24

He has had your support while living together. You have offered to help and arranged help via the therapist. He is refusing to engage. Which is causing harm to you and the children. You cannot continue to live like this.

You are not responsible for his mental health. Your mental health and the children's are equally important. Why should you three suffer because one person will not seek help?

How his mental health develops after you leave is not your responsibility. He has a choice in the matter. He can take this as the wake up call to get serious help or he can fall further into this.

In the end you can only control your own life and wellbeing. Your children need you to put them first. Lo

Crikeyisthatthetime · 01/01/2024 09:29

Just saw your update, you've asked him to get help, he won't, you are not responsible for that.
You don't have to sacrifice your own life and the mental well-being of your children for his selfishness.
They are the priority now, not him.
And leaving him might be the only thing that gives him the wake up call he needs.
Remember, it's not the tics that are pushing you away. It's his selfish refusal to seek help, or to accommodate your needs.

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 01/01/2024 09:33

So, he won’t seek help
You suggesting it makes him anxious and worse, apparently
He cannot mask/ control his tics at home so disturbs your sleep
You taking yourself off to the spare room makes him anxious and worse, apparently.

Anxious or not, he needs to seek help. Like others have said, that would be a precondition of my staying with my children. Another precondition is that I sleep in whichever room in the house allows me to sleep.

He may be mentally very unwell, but he is hugely selfish.

JWhipple · 01/01/2024 09:37

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 01/01/2024 08:45

How can he hold them in in public but not at home. My very limited experience of tourettes is its an involuntary tic so no control.

Because people with tourettes often suppress them for as long as they can which is stressful and takes a lot of energy. Imagine not blinking when other people are looking at you or suppressing a sneeze all day.

Hermanfromguesswho · 01/01/2024 09:40

I would start by moving in to the spare room. Tell him that you know it will upset him but that it has been upsetting you for a long time that he is not seeking help for this. Tell him you love him and he needs to seek help for himself as well as his family. Give him a timeline of a few weeks to start getting diagnosed and get support in place. If he does nothing then I’d leave at that point.
he’s not going to see the need or urgency to get support (which is obviously something that causes him anxiety) if it isn’t causing any problems (you staying in the bedroom is ‘evidence’ to his brain that it can’t be bothering you that much, which is why he gets upset at the thought of you moving to the spare room. He needs it to happen to make things better)

TortillaChipAddict · 01/01/2024 09:41

I have ASD and OCD and have some motor movements that fall somewhere in the grey area between stims, tics and compulsions. I can suppress them when in public unless I am extremely anxious but do them continually at home

BreatheAndFocus · 01/01/2024 09:41

NewYearNoFear · 01/01/2024 09:21

I do agree with people about the issue being not seeking help.

My concerns about leaving is 1) surely as his wife I should be there for him through illness 2) if I leave he will get worse and more unwell and my kids will have to navigate that alone

Also it makes me feel like a shitty person like I'm abandoning him

No, he’s made his choice. You’ve been there for him, arranged counselling, offered support, encouraged him to seek health, etc, but he’s refused. That’s on him not you.

As for not letting you sleep in the spare room, just do it. Tell him you can’t cope with the disturbed nights.

He sounds like he has serious mental health issues and he needs support. Not from you, from medical professionals. Perhaps kicking him out or leaving will be the push he needs to get help.

ManateeFair · 01/01/2024 09:45

You’ve posted about this before, I think? So this has been going on for quite a long time.

It almost certainly isn’t Tourette’s. Whatever it is, he won’t get help for it, try to stop doing it, or admit it’s a problem. And your marriage doesn’t sound great in other respects either. This is having a negative effect on you and your child and yes, I think you need to leave. It must be unbearable.

SoIRejoined · 01/01/2024 09:46

Don't leave the kids, why on earth would you do that? Tell him he has to get help or leave.. it isn't necessarily tourettes by the way, there are other conditions involving tics.

Original poster

NewYearNoFear · 01/01/2024 09:49

@SoIRejoined of course I wouldn't leave the kids but they are his kids. He could end up with 5050 custody and therefore would have them alone for long period of time.

OP posts:

Bladwdoda · 01/01/2024 09:50

NewYearNoFear · 01/01/2024 09:21

I do agree with people about the issue being not seeking help.

My concerns about leaving is 1) surely as his wife I should be there for him through illness 2) if I leave he will get worse and more unwell and my kids will have to navigate that alone

Also it makes me feel like a shitty person like I'm abandoning him

Supporting someone shouldn’t include enabling them to continue to behave in a way that is unhelpful (avoiding seeking help) or damaging your own well-being. It is not fair for him to expect you to stay when he is doing nothing additional to get support for his needs.

2)why will your kids have to navigate seeing him alone. Is he an active parent? If you leave you need to decide about contact being limited until he seeks support. If he is shouting really dark stuff and doing nothing to work to reduce it then I’d say maybe his contact with the kids should be short but frequent.

You’re not abandoning him. He is choosing to force you to leave by taking no steps to seek help for his needs. I’d just give him that ultimatum. I don’t like ultimatums generally but sounds like you are at that stage - “go to GP seek help and engage with it meaningfully or I need to leave to get a healthy home life for the children and I”.

SpilltheTea · 01/01/2024 09:52

I'd leave because he clearly couldn't care less about how it's impacting you or the children. He refuses to seek help and guilt trips you into doing what he wants at the expense of your wellbeing. You've done all that you can for him, it's time to put yourself and your children first.

flawlessandfearless · 01/01/2024 09:52

NewYearNoFear · 01/01/2024 09:21

I do agree with people about the issue being not seeking help.

My concerns about leaving is 1) surely as his wife I should be there for him through illness 2) if I leave he will get worse and more unwell and my kids will have to navigate that alone

Also it makes me feel like a shitty person like I'm abandoning him

You have been there for him and offered support.
He is not taking up that support which is his choice.

Your kids have to be the priority here and if he can't put them first because he is unwell then you have to.
You cannot force someone to get help or make changes but you can make healthy decisions for the sake of your family.

That might mean living apart but you can still support and help your kids understand what's happening.

Parental mental illness can have a significant and long lasting impact on children into adulthood.

Kittenkitty · 01/01/2024 09:52

I agree with the other posters, yes he’s sick but he’s not seeking appropriate treatment for it. I appreciate you take your marriage vows seriously but if he was a gambling addict and kept leaving you homeless would you think in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer or whatever? You’d expect him to change. If he was cheating on you would you say for better or worse? It takes 2 people to make a marriage work, sounds like you’re willing to do your fair share, is he?

Also it sounds like it could be OCD type behaviour. But he obviously needs to speak to a psychologist or psychiatrist.

Bladwdoda · 01/01/2024 09:52

NewYearNoFear · 01/01/2024 09:49

@SoIRejoined of course I wouldn't leave the kids but they are his kids. He could end up with 5050 custody and therefore would have them alone for long period of time.

So plan ahead for this. Keep some evidence of his behaviour in the home. That’ll be your reason for him having limited contact. Have you spoken to school/preschool about his “tics” - I’m guessing if the children are repeating they must know?

Wildhorses2244 · 01/01/2024 09:52

I think that you need to dig deep and be much harsher to be kind.

Move into the spare room with all of your things. If he gets upset say really bluntly “I have asked you to seek help a lot of times but you aren’t doing it so I’m doing what is best for me “

Start talking about the fact that you are thinking of leaving, start looking at houses etc. Again, if he gets upset explain that you’ve asked him to get help lots of times and he hasn’t.

Id probably also give him an ultimatum and a date but I appreciate that will add an extra layer of stress….

Rosscameasdoody · 01/01/2024 09:53

OlympicProcrastinator · 01/01/2024 08:49

Something isn’t adding up here. Selective Tourettes? 🤔

It’s not selective. It may not even be Tourette’s, but a form of neurodiversity. He’s doing something called ‘masking’. Holding everything in, in public and then letting it all, including the stress, out at home, in private. So OP is taking the brunt of it. OP it’s time to have that difficult conversation and tell him that he needs to get help or face the end of the marriage. You need to tell him pretty much what you’ve said here, offer support in him finding and engaging with help (GP as the starting point ?) but make it clear that he has to get that help, because you absolutely cannot carry on as you are.

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