To leave my husband due to Tourettes?

[NewYearNoFear]

DH hasn't been diagnosed but he has verbal and physical tics, doesn't do them in public. But at home they've become quite extreme. Every 5 mins. He often says something quite dark about himself. He does it continuously in bed. My young DC now imitate him which is horrible

He isn't getting any help or advice. It's all down to anxiety and invasive thoughts and he seems quite depressed and tired. I want to support him but he is seeking no help and I find the tics v difficult. He isn't v supportive or interested in me but I think the anxiety and tics take up most of his head space

It's the kids (pre school) copying him that has really made me feel awful. Also he tics so much at night that sleeping or trying to sleep with a man shouting awful stuff is pretty upsetting. I know it's more upsetting for him but he just ignores it and gets v angry if I bring it up.

AIBU to just say I can't handle it?

You can't 'be there' for someone who refuses to help themselves OP. It just sucks you dry in the end.

Maybe it's time to lay cards on the table with him and tell him if he carries on refusing to get help it will end up killing your marriage.

You have completely missed the nuance of the point by your comment here.

You need to communicate with him that he needs to seek help for himself and the family. Present him with options. Make it easier for him. First step GP I would imagine.

I do think however you need to prepare for the possibility that he will continue to tic even with help. There is a lot of work involved in trying to control tics and reverse the desire/act cycle.

On the contrary, you leaving with the kids may be just the thing to spur him to get treatment.

What is the home situation, are you renting or do you own a house?

I don’t know why people comment on something they know nothing about!

The tics are the tip of the iceberg. The worst part of the condition is the obsessive compulsive thoughts continuously going round in the sufferer’s head.

My exH wouldn’t seek help either, mainly because he was utterly unable to talk about what he was experiencing - it would set him off into a tic spiral, and he’d be completely incapacitated. It’s really hard to know how to help.

My ex could mask the tics during the day but would go to pieces in the evening. He used alcohol to self medicate, which is the reason we split up in the end. He’s still a total mess and is drinking himself into an early grave.

Our DCs also have some minor tics - yours may do too, rather than it just being imitation. Tics are often contagious for people with Tourette’s.

I found the book Life, Interrupted by James McConnel gave me a real insight into the disease. I haven’t been able to help my exH, though. It’s a horrible thing to have to deal with.

Life, Interrupted by James McConnel

The dark thoughts and the ability to suppress the tics for a period of time is suggestive of OCD (intrusive thoughts) and anxiety. I've seen it manifest in verbal tics. He won't be able to manage this on his own.

He'll probably need a combination of medication and therapy to begin to work on it and I'm surprised he hasn't sought out help , because it is a life limiting condition which must be destroying him. This could be because he's afraid of a diagnosis or is so full of self loathing that he won't engage.

Unfortunately getting help from adult mental health services is a long and difficult process, so unless he goes private or attempts suicide you're left on your own.

You probably need to outline the damage his reluctance to seek help is doing to you all and there is no other option than he seeks help.

Best of luck OP, I hope you get somewhere.

Tourette's isn't the issue here.

The question is AIBU to leave my DH due to health condition affecting everyone in the family that he is not taking responsibility for?

It'd be different if he'd gone through all the steps of assessment, diagnosis, 1st line, 2nd line, 3rd line treatment and he still had symptoms. Anyone can leave anyone for any reason at any time (thankfully) but you'd have to weigh up whether you were prepared to leave/remain with a partner with a chronic health condition that hadn't responded to treatment.

But someone just expecting you to live with this and taking no care or responsibility for it...that's a big ask, particularly as he's a parent and it's affecting the DC.

I don't know if this applies to tourettes but it is VERY much a thing with ASD. Worth investigating for sure.

For me, the biggest challenge is that he's not doing anything to help himself - the depression and tics - both could potentially be resolved by medication but if he's not seeking help and acknowledges the effect on the dc then it's ultimatum time.

OP were often told to treat MH as if it were our physical health.

My concerns about leaving is 1) surely as his wife I should be there for him through illness

If he had had an accident and his leg was hanging off, and the kids were traumatised about the blood, the screaming and he was refusing to seek medical help, would you still be saying you would support him? I bet you'd be reading him the riot act and forcing him into an ambulance and if he refused you'd be washing your hands of him.

If he is choosing not to seek help for his MH then I think a similarly abrupt approach is necessary - he needs a reality check of how his behaviour is affecting you and the dc, and that you are seriously contemplating leaving him if he doesn't seek help.

Your main priority is the dc, and they are copying his behaviour right now, which isn't acceptable.

How Are things generally, op? Are you in a position to leave financially etc?

Op you haven’t answered if this is a new thing or he has had tics since childhood?

As I said for a TS diagnosis it needs to be under the age of 18 when tics start. It could well be another condition causing your DH’s problems.
Tics are temporarily surpressible for many people but do need to be ‘let out’.
TS is highly hereditary so if it is TS it’s highly likely 1 or more of your DC will develop it.
TS is not a mental health issue is a neurological condition, although anxiety, adue and ocd can be common co morbidities.
People with TS can be excellent parents, they are also doctors, teachers and everything else in life - hell they can even be fantastic spouses!

I have run TS support groups in the past / lots of kids with TS and parents too. No one was being harmed by the tics (other than usual irritation etc). Educate your children on differences and accepting others. Explain about tics and they are involuntary and not what the person is thinking. Some good books out there to help too - Tariq the tortoise is good for younger ones.

Please contact Tourette’s action for more info and your DH Needs to see a GP to find out what is going on for him.

Thanks all for being so helpful

From reading and from his parents say - I think he could have ASD and even he's prepared to say he relates a lot to OCD. He has very upsetting thoughts compulsively. I really relate to some posts here about refusing to explain further as it's too upsetting for him.

My understanding is that tourettes is often caused by anxiety or ND. And that's its defined by severity/length. That's just from reading though - we need diagonsis but of course don't have clarity due to him not seeking help

It is dark stuff but not too crazy. Lots of self hatred stuf but no swearing or sexual stuff or anything. But definitely not nice to hear a 3 year old repeat.

I do think he's vulnerable in lots of ways and seeking help feels impossible to him. I also think he is v used to be putting a brave face on everything and is quite selfish in that he thinks I can tolerate anything and when I say I'm upset he just turns it back to himself. He's generally not v supportive if I'm unwell (physically) or stressed with work.

I don't know if Safeguarding issue. My kids aren't scared of him or anything. I don't know if verbal tics means family courts would deprive him contact or whether that is right yo be honest

Tbf just because you access help for something doesn't mean you can cure or treat it. I'm not saying the OPs partner shouldn't seek a medical diagnosis and support but, if it is Tourettes its not likely to just disappear.

@Whu that is all v helpful. From reading some posts people think DC are being harmed to the point they shouldn't see him if we split.

He says he had the odd physical tic as a child. Also a stammer. But it was during a break up years before he met me he would shout the womans name out loud. But he didn't do it really when we were dating. Then maybe muttering to himself or talking to himself soon as I left the room. Since covid it's become really intense at home and just seems to be getting worse. He has said to me he's alssys had obsessive invasive thoughts but the tics in response only in last few years.

Dh says "not same magic cure you know" to say no point telling anyone. But it's less the tics and more the invasive dark thoughts and severe anxiety that I think could be helped. I'm no expert. I just know I find it unbearable and v upsetting that we just go on with no clarity or plan. We can afford private support. He just won't do it.

Of course she wouldn’t. Anything less than full support from a husband whose wife has mental health problems would be met with a full pile on. But because this is a man we’re talking about, the fact that he is unable to seek support and help for his condition is nothing short of selfish and abusive - no thought at all to the fact that the condition itself may be the very thing that’s stopping him, because he’s actually unable to do so.

There is very little actual knowledge of mental health conditions if some of the ridiculous comments are anything to go by. Especially the ones advocating the OP leave him and take the kids as a way of pushing him into seeking help. What if it’s the thing that pushes him over the edge and into suicide ? Perfectly possible given what the OP has described. And why is there an assumption that once he seeks help, everything will magically be OK ? If any of you have ever tried to engage with NHS mental health services you’ll know how stretched they are, and what a long and difficult process it will be to get further than first line GP led services.

OP if it were me, l would make a GP appointment for your DH - even a phone consult will do. Insist that he take it, help him prepare for it, and be with him when it happens - if your DH is willing he can authorise the GP to talk to you if he feels he can’t engage himself, and that’s a starting point to get the help you need. If that’s not doable, contact your GP yourself and let them know what’s going on and be honest about the effect on the rest of your family. They may not be able to engage with you directly, but once aware of the situation they can then take the initiative with your DH.

Completely missing the point.

Tics don't = Tourette's.
He needs an assessment. It sounds as though he has MH difficulties but a large part of the problem could be manipulation. Especially if he won't seek help to make home a safe place for you and the children.

So if you can afford private support, is there any reason that you can't just tell him you can't cope with it anymore and unless he gets help, you cannot stay together? He can't just keep telling you you are making it worse by mentioning it, then do nothing about it. It seems like you need to force the issue and refuse to accept his excuses. He needs to hear in black and white that he either gets help of you cannot stay with him.

No one is obliged to stay with a partner where their condition impacts them severely like this, especially if they are refusing to get help.

I'd think it fair to give him an ultimatum.

When my OH was complaining for weeks about a pain but point blank refusing to do the thing I'd do and call the fecking doctor, I made the appointment for him without telling him and told him to be in that day between the hours given for the call.

He was furious. But he took the call and the advice.

It may be that the thing he has is actively stopping him stepping up and seeking help, which is where you CAN help. That's 'in sickness and in health' in action, it doesn't mean just putting up with it.

Make him an appointment for a phone consultation tomorrow, because he isn't going to. Write it all out. See if you might be allowed to be present at any consultation with your observations about his behaviour and its impact on your family.

It's going to be hard and you're going to have to be strong.

Set those boundaries, stick to them, broadcast your messages as a broken record: 'You will seek professional help. This is non-negotiable. You have a duty to your family as well as yourself'.

All the best.

@JFDIYOLO well said

@BestBadger I think how you describe it sounds right. It's horrible to witness...he is in his own world and then grimaces or shakes his head violently saying horrible things about himself. I don't know how he jisy keeps going. He's also started falling asleep on the sofa at all times of the day even though he sleeps 8/9 hours solid every night (while I tend to the toddler during the night). Its hard not to feel a little resentment sometimes

I've always looked after him a bit. I'm a people pleaser/helper type. But his needs are getting more extreme and I now have pre school DC to look after as well as working full time to support us and I'm struggling. I could do it if I felt like there was some sort of plan or action...weekly therapy, or even a GP appointment.

To those asking yes we can afford private so I could just give him ultimatum but that felt unfair - hence coming here to ask for advice.

I think you need to be very unambiguous with him. Tell him that you realise he's caught up in his own problems so whatever concern he may otherwise have for your mental health he isn't showing any but that doesn't mean you don't need to get some positive chance if it is an option. So you are telling him that you need space to be able to cope so it's the spare room for you until he gets help and things get better, you decide when things are better enough.

Also reduce the scale of the problem you're asking him to tackle. Forget the tics, focus on the intrusive thoughts. Tell him he must be exhausted having intrusive thoughts all the time, but that medicine has come a long way and that there is medication available which has proven success in helping reduce intrusive thoughts. Show him proof (articles, first hand accounts, whatever)

Tell him that if he tried some meds and suffered less from intrusive thoughts it would benefit you all.
If he could be persuaded that one action - try some medicine for the intrusive thoughts - it would be a step in the right direction and could open the way for other conversations.

@JFDIYOLO I could try that. I have actually gone to GP once myself when he was saying some very concerning/paranoid sounding stuff (it hasn't happened again) - it was during a stressful covid time - and they were v relaxed. Told me lots of people have paranoia and MH issues and nothing they can do unless he goes to them himself. I think he would hit the roof if I made an appointment without his consent.