Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘You need to accept that both our mothers are going to move in with us’

359 replies

Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 15:24

Is what DH said to me… instant chills

I do not speak the same language as my MIL, not even a little and I find her very very hard work, truthfully there’s a lot of water under the bridge. She’s just turned 60

now to my own mother fractious history. I was the scapegoated child and sibling golden child (single narcissistic mother, at points she was down right abusvie and cruel) the worm has turned somewhat as sibling has very similar narcissistic tendencies as mother and sticky fingers (Steals despite being mid 30s) and no longer talks to mother as was caught in the act. Mother is 70s

both single, divorced and widowed.

is dh right? Truthfully the thought of either of them living with us fills me with dread

what prompted this conversation was we’re planning a 3rd child and dh was making his case to consider a 5/6 bed house for a move, whereas I don’t think staying in a 4 bed with a garden office sounds too awful.

is he right? I don’t know why but I feel quite resentful to take on a mortgage in a much larger house for them to move in, and if one moves in the other will be pissed the other didn’t, and both together, no way.

at least my mum would be bringing capital, his mum wouldn’t be putting anything into the house

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 31/12/2023 15:26

No is a complete sentence

Goingsunny · 31/12/2023 15:27

Why would you have to? Don't you get any say in the matter? Do they even want to live with you?

TomatoSandwiches · 31/12/2023 15:27

Don't have a third child, divorce him and let him live with his mother.

Wtf.

Namerequired · 31/12/2023 15:27

Don’t move to a bigger house, then you have no room for them.
I don’t see why you are obliged to take either but if your dh already has it in his head to house his mum I’m not sure you can stop it. You can say no of course and/or make sure he does all the care. Have you told him you don’t agree, as in a just no, not happening way?

grimcas · 31/12/2023 15:28

I'd sooner get a divorce.

Original poster
Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 15:28

Goingsunny · 31/12/2023 15:27

Why would you have to? Don't you get any say in the matter? Do they even want to live with you?

Yes both would jump at the chance. My mother constantly mentions selling her house to buy a 6 bed together, constantly

his, also yes one of the issues she has with me now is that I refused to move into her house after marriage

OP posts:
Doteycat · 31/12/2023 15:28

My reply would be 'you need to accept they will not be ".
I wouldn't stay in that marriage if that's that's he thought.

ObliviousCoalmine · 31/12/2023 15:28

Jesus Christ. I like my MIL and Mum just fine, no issues really bar the little annoyances that people have by just being people, and there is categorically no way on earth either of them will be living with us. Absolutely not.

Blinkityblonk · 31/12/2023 15:28

What do mean is he right? Of course your mum doesn't have to live with you. His mum may not want to and you can say no.

SnappingCrackers · 31/12/2023 15:28

Well, it wouldn't happen in my house. However, I'm sure there are many families where it is absolutely the norm and expected.
It's a serious conversation you need to have with your husband. Did his Grandma live with them growing up?

DisappearingGirl · 31/12/2023 15:29

Nope nope nope

Bestyearever2024 · 31/12/2023 15:29

Say no

That is all

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 15:29

What culture is he from?

Original poster
Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 15:29

Namerequired · 31/12/2023 15:27

Don’t move to a bigger house, then you have no room for them.
I don’t see why you are obliged to take either but if your dh already has it in his head to house his mum I’m not sure you can stop it. You can say no of course and/or make sure he does all the care. Have you told him you don’t agree, as in a just no, not happening way?

I actively don’t want to live with her, I find her mere presence very grating, we have very different cultural values too, very very different

OP posts:
Original poster
Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 15:30

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 15:29

What culture is he from?

South Asian

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 31/12/2023 15:30

What do you mean 'is he right'?

I genuinely don't understand why you're asking us this?

Hadalifeonce · 31/12/2023 15:30

The best piece of advice my mother gave me 'Never let an elderly relative move into your house, and don't move in to their's'. She included herself

Crochetablanket · 31/12/2023 15:31

It’s a NO from me.
And if your DH said it exactly like that he sounds very condescending and I wouldn’t entertain that either.

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 15:31

Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 15:30

South Asian

Show quote history

Yeah I thought so. Unfortunately, he also has an obligation to his mother to make sure she is provided for but that doesn’t mean that your comfort or your quality of life gets affected. He needs to ask you and if it’s a no then he sorts his own mother out separately

Original poster
Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 15:31

ObliviousCoalmine · 31/12/2023 15:28

Jesus Christ. I like my MIL and Mum just fine, no issues really bar the little annoyances that people have by just being people, and there is categorically no way on earth either of them will be living with us. Absolutely not.

Even in old age, both our families that is the norm, but I’ve seen the strain it puts on the family and the resentment that builds,

visits I have no issue with and a bigger house for a spare room, no problem but living full time… hells no

OP posts:
ArchetypalBusyMum · 31/12/2023 15:31

How reasonable is your DH? Can he see why the personalities and dynamics involved would require superhuman tolerance and how that isn't sustainable every day?
If he refuses to see it and thinks you're the problem for not being gracious enough then you have a big problem.
If he can see it but is feeling pressure of family/cultural expectations then you need to have a discussion where the realistic consequences of that decision are openly discussed.
Likely your family life would be intolerably stressful, affecting the kids and your marriage.

WhateverMate · 31/12/2023 15:33

ArchetypalBusyMum · 31/12/2023 15:31

How reasonable is your DH? Can he see why the personalities and dynamics involved would require superhuman tolerance and how that isn't sustainable every day?
If he refuses to see it and thinks you're the problem for not being gracious enough then you have a big problem.
If he can see it but is feeling pressure of family/cultural expectations then you need to have a discussion where the realistic consequences of that decision are openly discussed.
Likely your family life would be intolerably stressful, affecting the kids and your marriage.

If he can see it but is feeling pressure of family/cultural expectations then you need to have a discussion where the realistic consequences of that decision are openly discussed.

Nope. That discussion should've taken place long before the wedding day.

NalafromtheLionKing · 31/12/2023 15:33

Are you South Asian too, OP?

PinkflowersWhiteBerries · 31/12/2023 15:33

DH & I had this discussion before we got married. Thankfully we were of one mind. There was a wobble during Covid when MIL asked to come to us, but thankfully DH saw sense.
It would be a very hard no from me.

But OP, you have to protect your position in this; maintain your financial independence, ensure you are on the deeds of the house etc, so there can be no suggestion of ‘his house, his rules’, and no chance that you cannot leave if you feel the need.

Namerequired · 31/12/2023 15:33

It seems from your updates that it’s what’s expected from both mums and your oh. You need to start putting in all their heads now that it’s not an option for you.