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AIBU?

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Original poster

‘You need to accept that both our mothers are going to move in with us’

359 replies

Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 15:24

Is what DH said to me… instant chills

I do not speak the same language as my MIL, not even a little and I find her very very hard work, truthfully there’s a lot of water under the bridge. She’s just turned 60

now to my own mother fractious history. I was the scapegoated child and sibling golden child (single narcissistic mother, at points she was down right abusvie and cruel) the worm has turned somewhat as sibling has very similar narcissistic tendencies as mother and sticky fingers (Steals despite being mid 30s) and no longer talks to mother as was caught in the act. Mother is 70s

both single, divorced and widowed.

is dh right? Truthfully the thought of either of them living with us fills me with dread

what prompted this conversation was we’re planning a 3rd child and dh was making his case to consider a 5/6 bed house for a move, whereas I don’t think staying in a 4 bed with a garden office sounds too awful.

is he right? I don’t know why but I feel quite resentful to take on a mortgage in a much larger house for them to move in, and if one moves in the other will be pissed the other didn’t, and both together, no way.

at least my mum would be bringing capital, his mum wouldn’t be putting anything into the house

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 31/12/2023 16:07

IWishIUnderstood · 31/12/2023 16:02

You say that you don't have even a few words of language in common with your MIL. Have you made no effort to learn any of your DH's mother tongue?

Well the MIL clearly hasn't so why should the OP?

It's not even clear if the MIL lives in the UK and learned to speak English?

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Why should she? Because it's her DH's mother and it would be good to be able to hold a basic conversation? Because any children will presumably be brought up in a bilingual environment?

My MIL didn't speak a word of English and it was way easier for me to learn a bit of her language rather than expecting her to learn mine. If you go into a cross cultural marriage, both partners need to be prepared to make a bit more of an effort imo.

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 16:07

IWishIUnderstood · 31/12/2023 16:02

You say that you don't have even a few words of language in common with your MIL. Have you made no effort to learn any of your DH's mother tongue?

Well the MIL clearly hasn't so why should the OP?

It's not even clear if the MIL lives in the UK and learned to speak English?

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The MIL probably can’t even read and write in her own language so learning a language beyond the basics would have been hard. It goes both ways.

Zanatdy · 31/12/2023 16:07

WhateverMate · 31/12/2023 16:00

It's not normal to marry someone and then tell them years down the line they need to accept both mothers will be moving in with them.

Not normal at all.

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No but it’s normal to know that some cultures don’t put their elderly in care homes and many of the men expect their wife’s to do the caring.

Goldbar · 31/12/2023 16:09

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 16:02

Do you think looking after your elderly is crap and horrible? What about putting them in a care home because you don’t think it’s your responsibility but someone else’s? You may think the first one is horrible but many Asians find the second one horrible. Two different cultures, nobody is wrong, but one is the norm in one and the other is the norm in the other

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It is wonderful if people want and feel able to look after elderly parents in their homes. So long as they go into it willingly with their eyes open and with the knowledge and resources to provide the level of care required without burning out themselves.

It is immeasurably shitty to volunteer someone else for a caring role, or impose that on them, regardless of "cultural norms".

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 31/12/2023 16:10

Libertyy · 31/12/2023 16:02

Do you think looking after your elderly is crap and horrible? What about putting them in a care home because you don’t think it’s your responsibility but someone else’s? You may think the first one is horrible but many Asians find the second one horrible. Two different cultures, nobody is wrong, but one is the norm in one and the other is the norm in the other

Show quote history

It's always the same on these threads, @Libertyy. Lots of very ethnocentric posters who are convinced that their way of doing things is the only correct one.

Personally, I admire the care that is given to elderly Asian parents and I think we could learn a lot from Asian cultures about how to care for our older relatives. There is so much loneliness and social isolation amongst our old people in this country.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 31/12/2023 16:10

"If either one moves in this would be the end of our marriage. Think about that!"

MerryBlueberry · 31/12/2023 16:10

Oh fuck no. Just no.

You owe your abusive mother nothing, she doesn’t get a free ride and a love in cleaner and career after what she has done.

Ask you DH how he plans to cook and do his mothers washing and how he is going to give her a bed bath and help her on and off the commode……

RosesAndHellebores · 31/12/2023 16:12

I don't have Asian roots. My grandmother cared for her mother, my mother cared for my grandmother until she needed 24 hour nursing care in an NHS facility.

DH cares for his mother, paying fir carers in her own home and they will increase as time moves on.

Nobody moved into anyone else's home.

DH and I are in our 60s and both still work full-time. We will be financially independent and will pay for our own care, downsizing if necessary.

The UK structure supports women to be financially independent and they should and must strive to be so. It also supports small family units to live together until children reach independence.

If people relocate to the UK they have also to accept aspects of UK culture, particularly if their children marry outside the culture.

I would be deeply disappointed in myself if I were ever financially dependent on either of my children.

Abergale · 31/12/2023 16:12

I understand why he might feel obliged to his own mother but it’s totally bonkers he’s inviting yours too!

say no.

AgentJohnson · 31/12/2023 16:13

I think you really should have a long overdue conversation about expectations. You have been very naive if you hadn’t seen this coming and I would not be planning a third child if living with these women is in your future.

Original poster
Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 16:13

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 31/12/2023 15:58

The duty to care for elderly parents is very deeply ingrained in South Asian culture, OP, as I'm sure you know. I presume that you discussed expectations relating to this before getting married... what exactly was agreed at that time?

You say that you don't have even a few words of language in common with your MIL. Have you made no effort to learn any of your DH's mother tongue?

yes I am aware and yes it was discussed and prior to marriage I said if needs arose later but caring would not fall on me however she started being unkind to me after marriage and it became never

why Is it on me to learn her language? Im not of an English background, could she not learn English after living here 30 years?

plus actually I tried but dh wouldn’t help and they’d mock me for my efforts and odd pronunciation and then with the bitching about me, I thought why am I even bothering and gave up

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 31/12/2023 16:13

Namerequired · 31/12/2023 15:27

Don’t move to a bigger house, then you have no room for them.
I don’t see why you are obliged to take either but if your dh already has it in his head to house his mum I’m not sure you can stop it. You can say no of course and/or make sure he does all the care. Have you told him you don’t agree, as in a just no, not happening way?

Of course she can stop it. She files for divorce and they sell the house and he can move in with mummy.

Delphinepony · 31/12/2023 16:14

TomatoSandwiches · 31/12/2023 15:27

Don't have a third child, divorce him and let him live with his mother.

Wtf.

I agree

Cnidarian · 31/12/2023 16:15

Hell no. Get the mothers a flat together they can share and watch the fireworks (from a distance). Or you never know maybe it will be wonderful and they will get on like a house on fire, just like Grace and Frankie 😆

Testina · 31/12/2023 16:16

olympicsrock · 31/12/2023 15:26

No is a complete sentence

No is indeed a complete sentence.

But FUCK NO is an even completer one 🫣

upwardsonwards · 31/12/2023 16:18

Zanatdy · 31/12/2023 16:07

No but it’s normal to know that some cultures don’t put their elderly in care homes and many of the men expect their wife’s to do the caring.

Show quote history

I actually think it is great to have family members looked after by family but not in a way as to overload the next generation either with very difficult family members/family dynamics such as abuse etc or by insisting that one gender do all of the caring. I know our prime minster(Ireland) was bemoaning how family’s were not caring for the elderly as they did in the past, but he meant women, he is absolutely not the sort to step into that caring role even though his background as a doctor means he would be perfectly poised to do it.

Blumarine · 31/12/2023 16:19

It’s very likely that he will try to force you to accept this. You will end up being an unpaid carer for his mother and possibly for your own too, and it will ruin your life. Don’t have another child with him. You need to start making plans to divorce him, because of his culture he isn’t going to change his mind about this.

upwardsonwards · 31/12/2023 16:21

upwardsonwards · 31/12/2023 16:18

I actually think it is great to have family members looked after by family but not in a way as to overload the next generation either with very difficult family members/family dynamics such as abuse etc or by insisting that one gender do all of the caring. I know our prime minster(Ireland) was bemoaning how family’s were not caring for the elderly as they did in the past, but he meant women, he is absolutely not the sort to step into that caring role even though his background as a doctor means he would be perfectly poised to do it.

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Oh another thing this changed in more or less a single generation in Ireland as women became more educated. The rise in education of women in some Asian countries has seen such a dramatic decrease in childbirth that I suspect this change is likely to happen in some Asian countries too. Women across the world are not stupid.

Kendodd · 31/12/2023 16:21

Just say no to them both.

If he wants to live with his mum he can move out of your house and in with her.

Goldbar · 31/12/2023 16:22

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 31/12/2023 16:10

It's always the same on these threads, @Libertyy. Lots of very ethnocentric posters who are convinced that their way of doing things is the only correct one.

Personally, I admire the care that is given to elderly Asian parents and I think we could learn a lot from Asian cultures about how to care for our older relatives. There is so much loneliness and social isolation amongst our old people in this country.

Show quote history

I'm afraid I can't admire any system which places a disproportionate care burden on women.

thinslicedham · 31/12/2023 16:22

I'd be more sympathetic toward his feelings of cultural family obligation if the mothers in question had been loving, supportive, and helpful. As it is, no, I wouldn't agree to live under the same roof with anyone who I absolutely hated and couldn't stand being around.

He can't just say that's how it's going to be. You have to discuss these things at the very least. You may have to compromise somehow, but so will he.

Original poster
Wigglytuff123 · 31/12/2023 16:23

Blumarine · 31/12/2023 16:19

It’s very likely that he will try to force you to accept this. You will end up being an unpaid carer for his mother and possibly for your own too, and it will ruin your life. Don’t have another child with him. You need to start making plans to divorce him, because of his culture he isn’t going to change his mind about this.

No it’s not, with all respect you don’t know him, so let’s not go straight to the MN ltb

OP posts:
Echobelly · 31/12/2023 16:23

It sounds like he expects this to happen and I presume the expectation (and likelihood) is that this will all fall on you if you let either mother move in. So don't. Tell your husband you have no plans to be a full time carer and you know that is what will happen if they move in. Your life is yours and you are entitled to it. And if he doesn't accept that, then that implies finding someone to look after his mum is more important to him than having a wife and you know what to do.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 31/12/2023 16:24

Goldbar · 31/12/2023 16:22

I'm afraid I can't admire any system which places a disproportionate care burden on women.

Show quote history

I agree, but the men in DH's family absolutely stepped up and did their fair share of the caring. It doesn't have to all fall to the women.

Pickles2023 · 31/12/2023 16:25

Although i would...

But i wouldn't due to being told and demanded too..also i would expect mutual respect not being teased when i try and learn their language.

I like doing things because i have the choice, when you are dictated to, the whole decision takes a whole new dynamic and no longer is harmonious.

I am very against peoples consent in their life being taken away or bullied into circumstances they are not comfortable with.

In time maybe if they make you feel equal and valued you might feel differently..but i think its down to DH to correct her behaviour towards you if it is disrespectful to start as you mean to go on?

I wouldn't dream of having a laugh at someone trying to learn my language, that is very disencouraging and quite frankly mean :(